Funny but....

One Saturday I sat down to eat lunch and as I started, I noticed a car slowing down to a complete stop just below my house. Feeling a bit suspicious I grabbed the binoculars (every home in the country needs a pair) and checked out what was up. Nothing sinister, just two young guys, the driver was talking on his cell phone, oddly enough, cellular reception ends past my place so it's normal for people to stop. The passenger, becoming bored I assumed opened the door and stepped out to stretch. Still using the binoculars, I could clearly see he was a pretty good looking young guy. Six feet, handsome looks, nice shape. Yawning he stretched out his arms and scratched his stomach the way some guys will do. He looked back at his friend talking on the phone and still scratching his stomach, pulled up his shirt, then he fumbled with a drawstring on his pants and I suddenly realized he was going to do something else guys do when they stop to stretch their legs. I still had a clear view and I had the moral dilemma of giving a guy his privacy or since he was exposing himself near my house, stealing a look at the goods. I decided since he wasn't shy and my mom or sister could have accidentally stumbled upon this sight, he almost deserved to be watched. Well at least that works as an excuse for a gay man watching a really attractive guy, so I went with it. As the big reveal was just about to happen, the driver put down his phone and drove ahead about three feet. The guy stopped what he was doing and looked at the driver. Then the car jumped another ten feet with the driver laughing out loud. The cute guy ran for the car door and jumped in just as his buddy took off full speed. I was thinking, "CRAP, he car blocked me"! Whaaa, so close, just about to see the goods of Mr. Hottie guy, everyone has to be a comedian. Well it actually was kinda funny to see the guy scramble to get back in before he was left behind.

A Warm Hug.

I often wonder how people perceive me, I am painfully aware of my faults. Too shy at times, too quiet and I also know that I am a little odd compared to most people, I can't help that fact, it's who I am, my personality is not going to change now. I can feel insecure regarding friends, past and present, I hope often that I'm not just the mascot for our groups (past and present). I worry about the value I have with other people, do I bring something to the table, do I offer them something, do they even notice if I am around or not. It's hard for me to get close to people, I don't click with many, its a flaw on my part, I just don't relate to most people. ............................................... The father of a classmate passed away, she and I were together from kindergarten through high school, also during high school I became friends with one of her brothers so I felt it important to attend their father's wake. I hadn't seen them in years, especially the brother, he moved on to bigger and better things and I completely lost track of him. To be honest here, no shocker, I was quietly in love with him. I secretly had all these fantasies were he one day, would confess his love and affection for me, then we would begin a happy ever after life together...... not. I was a little nervous about seeing him, would he even remember our friendship, or was I maybe making it out to be a bigger deal than it actually was. As I entered, time warped, the adults were unrecognizable to me but the teenage kids were clones of my high school friends, it felt bizarre. I suddenly saw my old classmate, she hadn't changed a lot and she still had the same sweet personality, that gave me comfort. She began to point out her brothers and sister, then came the moment. One of her brothers stepped forward with a huge smile, he had changed a lot, I put my hand out to shake his but what happened next was something I needed. He pushed my hand away laughing and saying "no don't shake my hand, come here, give me a hug, I want a hug"! That lifted my spirit, because I knew even after all these years that my friendship meant something and lately I need to feel that. His personality hadn't changed thankfully, he was the same friendly, funny guy that I remembered. Then it turned out very comical for me, as a group of us were catching up on old times, he kept staring at me and would make comments like "you have not changed at all" then after a while "dude you haven't changed a bit" a little while longer "no I mean seriously man, you really look the same", something every gay man loves to hear (lol). His wife is gorgeous and seems nice, he knows a coworker of mine, our companies actually do business together. ............................................... A crowd was building at the wake and the family needed to speak with them so we said our goodbyes and I left. Looking back as I was leaving and watching them greet other people, it's strange to say but I felt as if I finished a chapter of a book. I also felt the importance of a hug.

Signs, Clear As Mud.

The hardest part of being a gay man I feel, is not letting yourself get too attached to a great guy. Easier said than done, I find myself stepping back from many friendships when I realize that I suddenly find that person attractive. Everything they say is funny, they look so good in "that" shirt, their cologne smells so nice, their voice gives me chills. Wait STOP! Then I realize what is happening and have to reprogram my thinking. I put up a wall when I am around most guys but things happen. The hardest of all is the lonely straight guy, he is the guy that is new to the area or too shy to meet people. Generally they are attracted to me because I'm quiet and shy in public but like to joke around one on one. They see that I am easy going and friendly so they feel comfortable approaching me. The brain tells me they just want a friendship but my emotional side sends confusing messages. It's hard not to see signs that aren't really there, like when they constantly ask me out to dinner or to come over for the evening. To a straight guy it's two buddies hanging out, to a gay guy it's a date??? Nothing snaps you into reality than the discussion of picking up women (yuck). It's hard not to think "is he trying to tell me something" or "does he want to be more than just friends" but I have found so far that it's been 100% friend zone for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only gay man in the world, that's why I found it so uplifting to see the young gay couple last week. Not surprising that I am going through this dilemma at the moment. I have become good friends with someone at work and he is really trying to get closer to me. I don't know what this means, it's flattering that someone finds me interesting but to what level. The other problem is he is younger and comes from a community that is not gay positive, so even if he does have feelings for me, he may not fully accept or understand them. I can only say "no" to going out for so long, starting next week I'm going to say yes. Thanks for listening.

Little gay moments.

I love surprises, especially little gay surprises. I was standing in line at a local store waiting to pay for my items. In front of me were two young guys, nothing out of the ordinary, yes they were both attractive but just the usual local guys that I often see around here. One guy was the clean cut, boy next door type, the other guy was more of the rugged handsome type, probably played hockey on a local team, probably his first car was a pickup. The rugged guy was playing with a little boy about four years old while waiting for the first guy to finish paying for his items. The little boy was saying "lift me higher uncle Tyler, lift me higher", then he said to the other man who looked like he was probably the father, I thought, as there was a clear family resemblance, "look at me uncle Matt". I found this interesting, it is a weird thing about me, the way I notice stuff but I instantly felt it odd for a guy to go shopping with his nephew and buddy. Uncle Tyler had no family resemblance to the little boy at all. Watching them I felt a "vibe", that they were more than friends. Then I said to myself to stop projecting what I wished for on other people, these guys were pretty straight looking. Then BINGO! I saw something that just made me smile on the inside as well as my outside. The bigger guy, the rugged looking guy, had behind one ear a tattoo of the male symbol entwined with another male symbol. They were a couple, my gaydar was working, they were together. It made me feel so good inside, also I felt admiration for that guy, because he could easily pass for straight and yet he wants the world to know he is not, he is a gay man, deal with it! I envy the younger gay generation.

Yup, so ten uhh.

Today is the day, no big hoopla or anything but today it's ten years since I started this blog. It started with a post called AWAKENING, I thought about reposting but I was afraid that I may accidentally deleted it. I had been communicating with some people in the blogosphere a year or two before starting the blog, so it wasn't totally out of the blue. I don't see it as an anniversary or milestone, more like "YIKES" has it really been that long. So much has changed in blogland, all my old blog buddies have vanished except for two. I miss the other people, they helped me so much way back then. I don't think I ever planned on blogging this long, I think it was more my intention to blog until I was comfortable enough to start telling people in the real world that I am gay. My plan was to start dating, get a boyfriend and then a blog about coming out would become obsolete. Plus once you are in a relationship, blogging is the least of your priorities. I certainly never thought about a ten year mark. Looking back, there has been a huge positive shift in the way Canadians accept the LGBT community from as little as ten years ago. ....................................... Like other bloggers, I have wondered about ending my blog; however this is not a novel or movie script, life goes on and people should feel free to leave and come back when ever situations give them something to blog about or not blog about. Makes me wonder about ten years from now, things will be different for me, I will be in a different stage of life, makes me a little sad actually, a little frightened to be honest. Will I be alone, will I be sick, will I be here? Lol, will I still be looking back and blogging that it's been ten years again already and whining about "where did the time go". My message to future me.... Hi future Steven, I guess you really miss your hair now, I hope all our plumbing still works ;) lol. I hope we have figured something about life out by now, I hope we found love again, I hope we are happy at least.

Spinning Moral Compass.

I was listening to a radio program and it was talking about how we change as we get older. The guest was also saying that most people believe they have changed little since they were 25 years old, even if they were currently 60 years or more. One of the questions was about morality, I have no problem admitting that I was very judgmental when I was younger compared to now. I will also come clean and admit my sense of morality has really shifted, I am way more accepting of people's private lives and what they do, actually I think the word is "turned on" more by certain situations than I was years ago. There are a lot of things I would do now that I thought were "wrong" just a few years ago. What ever two to five consenting adults do in their bedroom, is none of my business (lol). Lately I wonder about my choices, I wonder what I would be like if there were no STDs, especially the kind that can kill you. Now don't panic, I will never do this, but I find the clips of strangers hooking up really exciting, in a raw straight to it male doing what nature intended him to do kind of way. Sometimes society forgets that men are the stallions of the human animal. If there was no danger in this behavior, I know as little as ten years ago, there would be no way I could do something like that, now however, I am not so sure. Maybe I would try it once to have the experience but it probably wouldn't be for me because I like to have some type of bond with the person I'm being intimate with but you never know. I think also maybe that is the point of sex with a stranger or strangers, there is no effort put into a bond, it's just raw sex, no thinking just doing. I don't see myself thinking this way a few years ago, I now don't see it as something bad, just something different from the usual "person meets person" and falls in love type of relationship. I also am not worried that I no longer find things like this wrong. Anyway, as I said, don't panic, this will only happen in the world of daydreams.

Ten? Really?

I see that my time blogging is soon going to reach the ten years mark, I can't believe that, it feels more like three or four years ago that I started. Realizing this decade timeline, I was in a bit of a panic, I was thinking not much has changed, that I am still at step one, that I may have even regressed. Suddenly the little voice in the back of my mind said, "aaaaah shut up and quit that f#&$ing whining! You have come a long way and are happier for it." True, maybe my life is not how I wanted it to turn out, maybe it will get better gay-wise, maybe it won't but at least I am longer obsessed with the fact that I must hide who I am. Comfortable is a word I would use about being gay, I still have my "why me" days but mostly that makes me tired, why me gets me nowhere. Just going over past posts and reading some of my thoughts from back then, reminds me of where my mind was, I feel, or actually I know I have changed a lot. I forget most days that I am gay, it will almost startle me when I remember during a conversation regarding relationships, almost a "oh yes, now I remember why there is no misses Steve and all the little Stevens". Turns out that a goal of mine was not to be seen as a walking sexuality, I worried in the past about people seeing me as a gay man, gay Steven and not just a man who also happens to be gay, now I don't worry about that, I don't think I would really care much what people would think anyway. I think I am at that point, I think we're all at that point, people mostly see us as who we are and not as a homosexual lol. These days I have become more obsessive about time running out and other middle age stuff, ten years, how did that happen. ...................................That little voice just said "oh f#$&ing barf! You just had to end on a sad moaning whining note like the f###ing drama queen you can be at times, if you were out having sex with a hot guy like I keep TELLING you to, there would be no time for collecting sympathy... bitch!" Yeah it does have an attitude problem but it's attitude from a place of love, I hope.