Montreal Part Deux

Me and the honey bunny went to the Pride Parade in Montreal, I went to see all the gay people and you know what, there were hundreds of the little buggers there! I have read on some of the other blogs where the writers felt the parades are becoming the "same old, same old" and I could see that being the case. For now however I feel I should support them as they meant a lot to me when I was coming out, I used to go even before I was out, I just felt the need to be around other gay people in those days, I needed to know I was not alone. The parades used to offend me a little at that time to be honest, I hated to see guys in dresses for fear of being stereotyped, now I understand gay culture better and the guys in dresses are my favorite, the more outrages the better as most of it is just fun. I did feel this year in Montreal the parade was a little hijacked by other political agendas, I think gay people still have enough problems without bringing in conflicts from other countries etc, which have nothing to do with gays as a community. It was long and took most of the afternoon, over all I enjoyed it and we went to shake our booties after.


No no it had nothing to do with all the hot guys that were there with their shirts off! I'm not that shallow, no really I'm not, okay well maybe just a little, ahhhhhh men, man meat, beef cake, sooo beautiful. Okay I'm back to earth now.


A little sample of what we saw. People always say that the women in Montreal know how to dress and keep themselves looking good, well I'm thinking a lot of the guys in Montreal know how to make themselves look good also and not just gay men, there were a lot of straight guys there with their girlfriends and they were smoking hot! Dave and I agreed that one of the hottest guys there was a straight guy with his girlfriend, we could not stop watching him dance at the party after, I think he was one of the better dancers there as well, no I did not take his picture and yes we are sure he is straight, lucky girl! ;)

I always feel sad when we have to leave a gay event, having to step back into a world that is not always so open or accepting, oh well, screw them!


Oui oui Madame, you certainly have style. What the heck, uncle John is that you? Just kidding.

Back on the hom-o front!

Things have been going really well between Dave and myself, in some way our separation has brought us closer together. Dave often comes to visit as I will have to stay with Mom until she sells the farm. Mom likes Dave, she of course thinks he is a really good friend but has had one too many shocks lately, so we will leave it at that. Dave did get to meet Dad once last year, that is important to me, Dad liked Dave, he had said to Mom later "he seems like a nice lad".

Last weekend we went to Montreal with two gay friends, actually we met one for the first time as he was on vacation from England, he was easy to talk to and we had fun. The city was having a diversity weekend, lots of cute gay guys around but I of course forgot my camera. If this sounds familiar to people who read "Sticky Crows" Torn's blog, it is because that is the city he lives in. This weekend is the Gay Pride parade in Montreal and we plan on going, mostly because the one in this city is a bit lame, three drag queens and a guy in leather harness, well maybe not that bad, there were actually two guys in leather harness. Any way we want to be with "family", our code word for gay people, Dave or I will say "family" when we think someone is gay, just a silly game we play. Dave and I walked around the city often holding hands, it no longer feels like a huge step for me, a long way from where I was two years ago. To be honest I would still be careful where we do that but Montreal is very open and if you are in the gay village area, no one cares. I laughed to Dave, pointing out that it is mostly straight guys holding onto their girlfriend's hand in the village, maybe they are afraid some guy will hit on them so they are trying to say "see I'm with a girl"! Sorry straight guys, it only makes us want you more! Muhahaha!

This makes me think that it will be two years this month since my first coming out, it just feels so right. I think how well it went, how good and understanding my friend was to me that day. I forget what a huge leap it has been for me, going from not wanting to say "I'm gay" out loud in case the walls might repeat the words, to walking around holding Dave's hand in public.

I confess we went to see strippers the last week in Montreal, well it is not like we do it all the time and heck, I've been a good boy all my life! At the end of the night one cute guy must have been a fireman because he pulled out a hose, we sat there dumb struck, I didn't know they came in that size! We still play the "cute guy game" as well, saying "7" or "10" when a cute guy walks by. I really feel the need to work out however when I'm in a gay village during summer. A friend asked if I was in hot shape, would I walk around with my shirt off? I am a total yes on that, I would want to show off the goods, I don't see any problem with that as long as I kept a healthy attitude about it. There are guys that are so hot, they know it, they show it, however they are sweet hearts and fun to be around and that is okay in my books.

Dave and I have been taking time to get away together, we have taken in a few sights as well. I feel now that it is just part of working at a relationship and no longer working at 'being gay' and I think this is a good place to be.

Until we meet again

Three hours, it has been three hours since you died and it feels unreal. I will never forget those words "Steve, Dad died this afternoon". I knew something was wrong when I drove into the yard and my aunt was there late in the day, my sister came out to meet me and told me the bad news. I cried, I cried hard, I cried for many reasons, that he was gone, that he would no longer suffer, that I just went away for one day and missed his final moments, that Mom would now be alone.

One day, it has been one day Dad and I miss you so much already. There is this huge hole in our lives left by your passing, I can't help think all day, "this time yesterday he was alive, if only I had been a little quicker, by this time he was dying, by this time he was dead, 24 hours I guess there is no turning back now".

One week, it has been one week Dad, has it been one week already? I guess with so much to do for the wake and funeral time slipped by, it only feels like three days. Everyone is gone now, they want to give us time alone. Alone is how we feel, we are suppose to try to return back to normal but normal can't happen without you you here.

Two weeks, two weeks seems so fast. Time slowed down when you were so ill, I'm glad for that as it makes us feel we had a year with you instead of only weeks. We hoped time would slow down, the end of a month meant a large part of your life had passed, but we could not stop time, it advanced like the cancer. Strange thinking of how I am mowing the grass this week when two weeks ago you lay dying at this time. From such a tragic event for the family to something so mundane as cutting the grass. I think I'm doing okay until I dream of you one night, hearing your voice and seeing your expressions that only my Dad could have made, gave me the feeling you were with me again. Waking up and remembering that you were gone however, had me fall into that deep empty space left by your passing and I sobbed as if you had just passed away again. Mom really misses you now Dad, she had time to think about what her life will be like without you here, she feels it is getting worse. I think her old school thinking of not showing emotion has caught up with her, she needs to grieve and forget about that strong appearance in front of others garbage.

Week three, the dreams about you don't upset me anymore, I think they were part of some mental healing and they stopped coming. Dave came to see me that day and in the excitement, I forgot it had been three weeks. I remembered in the afternoon and felt a little guilty. I know you would not want that however, you would want us to heal and move on, you told us so many times before you left, it made me love the person you were even more in your final days. You wanted to make this simple for us but there is so much paper work to your passing Dad, you would be shaking your head if you were here to see this. I was out with Dave the other day and forgot myself and said "wait until I show Dad these pictures, he will get a kick out of this" then it hit me pretty fast, the emptyness, the loss.

One month, it has been one month today Dad. It feels like only last week, very unreal. Time waits for no one, both you and Mom always said that and you were correct, everything keeps moving in the rest of the world, it never stopped like we felt it should. We wondered this morning what happened when you died, did you see a light, did you see Granny or did things just go dark. Mom wishes you could let her know you are doing fine where ever you are. We thought we would feel you at your farm but we don't, just the opposite, we feel the farm 'without you' as if waiting for your return. I heard something that I feel is true from someone who lost a family member, she told us "you don't forget them or forget they are gone, you just get used to it". I still can't believe we are at the one month mark, soon it will be the first birthday without you, then Christmas and then the next thing it will have been one year. Everyone says it gets a little better after one year when most of the 'firsts' are out of the way, I will judge that for myself.

I will switch this blog back to 'being gay' issues from now on Dad but it has nothing to do with not missing you, because I really do like I have never missed a person before. If there is life after death I hope you are really happy where ever you are and I hope we all get to be together someday, until we meet again Dad.

Thank you again everyone for the words of support.

I should say...

I should say "I'm doing okay" but I can't, that would just not be true. People ask, "how are you holding up" but they don't want a real answer, they want me (us) to say that we are doing fine, that life is roses again. This crap hurts and it hurts deep, I just can't write at this moment, and it is not from having little to say, more like having too much to say and a flood of thoughts and emotions jam into my fingers to get to the keyboard first. Yes I show a strong face to the world and no I'm not losing my marbles, I'm just really sad right now.

Probably a good time to mention how I appreciated the very kind and thoughtful comments over these last months, they really do help to know people care or at least understand how I feel (Catrina, sorry for the loss of your mother, you were correct, nothing prepares a person for the sorrow when you actually lose someone). I do often wonder what all of you have been up to. Birdie (my sweetie pie), you don't have to check for the rest of the week now, I'm not going to be near my computer!

When the dance ends.

Nearly fifty years ago, a handsome young farmer with a sheepish smile and wavy hair asked a shy young woman to dance. They later fell in love, married and kept on dancing through life together. Last week however that dance came to an end, my Dad passed away. I never got the chance to say what I was building myself up to say, I was in town when I wrote the last post and when I returned home, he had just passed away two hours before I got there. I struggled with this for days, I had been with him since March and the minute I left, he passed. The first week I kept waking up in the night with the weight of knowing I will never see him again, plus the things I wanted to say to him that I never did or could not. I would be overcome with a feeling of being smothered or as if drowning. I spoke to my mother about it and since telling her, the feeling has not returned.

My Dad was very much a people person, he was not loud or did not seek attention, yet he had no problem with meeting people any place he would go. I envied that ability, I am the opposite, I find it hard to meet someone or even to talk to people that I do not know very well. The result was a beautiful service, people had to stand outside of the church since there was such a crowd and Dave said that was a tribute to the person he was. I felt I needed to give the eulogy, my family thought someone else should do it, they only know me as this shy quiet person and were afraid I would get up and cry or worse, pass out. I knew I could write one, I felt that other people did not know Dad as we knew him, I think having the blog to express my feelings gave me the courage and confidence to do it. Since I was not there as my mother and sister were to comfort him in his last hour, this was the best way to say good bye to him. It went well, some of the people who are really close to us, said it gave them chills with how it stirred images of my father in their minds, those kind comments have helped me over these last few days.

She cries at night, my mother that is and it breaks my heart whenever I hear her. Mom was raised that emotions are a private matter and must not be shared or shown, she holds strong for us during the day and in fact mom never cries. I never saw my mother really cry other than a few tears in her eyes until now, however at night I hear her soft sobs over the loss of Dad, her partner in life who has left her alone.

We will get through this, other people had to, it takes time I know. It feels like everything is just sitting there waiting for him, his tools, his old truck and his farm but he is not coming back, the dance has ended. Love you Dad, miss you....forever.

Saying Goodbye.

How do you say goodbye when you know it will be forever, do you just pretend like nothing is happening or do you take the time to sit down and say "I love you, thank you for everything Dad". Do you say goodbye when the word takes on a new meaning, a truth that can crush you if you think about the loss for a split second.

You made it to fathers day Dad, we had hoped so hard for that, we wanted to tell you how special a Dad you were to us and needed the excuse, however you became so ill that weekend and then we could not go within five feet of you holding one of those cards, it was too final for us, we were not ready to say goodbye yet and so they sit on our dressers, they will never be opened, it is just too raw for us now.

I have to let you go now Dad, there is nothing more I can do. I can't save you anymore, just one more sip of water, just one more spoon full of soup, it does not help now, I have lost. There are no special moments, no smiles or jokes at the darkest times, only sadness and suffering. I feel sick inside all the time as I watch you slip away. How do you say goodbye when 'goodbye' will be from that sad day forward, 'I love you' will mean my whole life crammed into that one little word and thank you for 'everything' will be everything from the day I was born onward.

Annoyed gay guy

The other day I over heard a man I know making a comment towards gays, it was along the lines of "what can you expect from him, he's a queer". There is nothing to snap a person back to the battle grounds with a comment like that. Sometimes we have to hold our tongues to keep the peace for others. I was thinking, what does being gay have to do with a person's character, you are either a good person or you are not, does not matter what your sexuality is. I hate when the person thinks they are on some moral high ground. Thinking that they could never have a gay child, "I'd never raise my child gay, I raised them properly". I felt like pointing out that two of his kids got divorced and that is suppose to be a 'no no' according to most religions. In fact one of his kids ended two marriages and the other is suppose to have had an affair. People are people, I know gay and lesbian couples who have been together for years. I guess he must have been a bad parent if we want to pass judgement.

I don't mean to target people who got divorced or split, that is not my business, if it is not working then the choice is only between the two people. What annoys me is if a person is a bad apple, it is because they are just a bad apple, not because they are gay. I get so tired when I am painted with the same brush of every gay person that they meet. Even worse is the people who always look for the bad in the people they want to hate, the type of person that could know ten really good gay people and then meet up with one bad one who screws them over, then the comment is made "see what did I tell you, can't trust any of them".

Not much we can do about it really, there are always those people who work at believing in something that has been shown to be wrong to them, just some days I have had my fill.