All Hallows Eve

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Run everyone and remember, if you split from the group, you will be next! Muhahaha! Happy Halloween kids! I am starting a little early because I will not be around for a few days and I wanted to have my blog fun now. Death came the other night for my poor tomato plants. Tomorrow night is my sister's annual Halloween dinner, it is fun we have good food, friends and watch the kids come for treats. My sister, like her brother (me) has a bit of a brat streak in her. She likes to make up her front yard with things that jump out at you when you enter her grounds. I mean grounds, as in ghoulish grave yard, she has fun turning her front yard into an old story book haunted grave yard, none of this 'PC' smiling happy face ghosts. The best part is usually the kids are trying to calm down the mothers.


Make no bones about it, we both have the same liking for scary things, even as little kids we have always liked scary movies, stories, books etc, however that is we like scary movies and not gross or gory movies. Does any one remember the Saturday morning oldies, Abbott and Costello or even Laurel and Hardy, being chased by the wolfman, bats or vampires, for kids those were scary and fun days, we never knew whether to laugh or be scared. It often brought in our parents to get a kick out of us watching the same movies they watched when little. Halloween for us was just a fun time to dress up and go visit neighbors, for kids stuck out in the country this was a welcome break from the isolation. It is sad that so many people want to ruin it for kids now, the usual bunch that is always at it, sucking the fun and life out of everything, like vampires only their pay off is monotony and control

After the dinner and scaring the crap out of little kids, a bunch of us are going to a gay bar for a little drinking and dancing, more bad behaviour, oh yeah! That night it will be back to Dave's for the night. I am a little excited about this because the next day, he has plans for me. It will be my b'day and he has a weekend planned out but will not tell me a single thing. He just gave me a list of different types of clothes I will need for the days and evenings. I am not even sure if we are staying in this city. I do not care if he takes me somewhere exciting or relaxing, I am excited that someone has planned something out for me and I totally appreciate that. Still the not knowing is a bit like being a kid on Christmas morning. Did I just say Christmas, yikes back to Halloween, the other will be here soon enough.


The Haunted House. On my way home to see my parents, I was saddened to see that an old farm house on the way there, had been torn down. There are plans to build homes along that road because it has a river view. I am sure every new home will be nice, in fact so nice that every home around it will be build exactly like it, except for the door or siding colour. I was sad to see the old house go as it to me was standing history. It was even still in use last year. Gone too is the ghost story within. The house was quite old, at least a hundred years or more and through the years the original children grew up and left, leaving behind their parents to age and eventually die. Even before my time, for many years the house sat empty. One night a man returning from a late binge on the town, saw a glowing figure standing in the door, knowing no one lived there anymore, plus being of Irish background and hearing the old people's stories of spirits, banshees and devils there was no way he was going to stop and check it out. At first he said nothing, people would blame the drink he well knew. However as many a night traveller passed the house, she appeared. In the door, the glowing figure, waiting, peering out. People began to talk, many had saw the figure, many felt it must be the old woman who had lived there all her life, lost or confused and so she stays bound to where she knows, her house. It soon became that many of the superstitious people were afraid to pass the house at night. Finally some men had become curious and wanted to investigate, including a family member who came back to see what was going on. They stayed around one night, at first nothing happened but then suddenly a glowing started to appear at the front door, a long slender figure, and staring at the light, they saw it was actually coming from upstairs. To their surprise they discovered that light was coming from a passing car as it came round the corner on the road, the light would shine directly on a long mirror in the hall upstairs and reflect back out, giving the appearance of a glowing light in the house where no light should shine. In the last few years, road work and clearing of brush had exposed the once hidden mirror to certain headlights, it was all in how someone passed by, causing some to see the reflection and others not to. The mirror was moved into a room and the ghost was finally laid to rest. Of course many of the old people did not accept this explanation, eventually a family bought the place, moved in and never reported any strange lights after. Now of course some say tilted floor boards, but they could just never figure out how the old piano that came with the house, no matter how many times they moved it, kept returning to the corner where it was when they moved in.




Happy Halloween! ;P

Simple Moment

It happened the other night, it was a simple moment, nothing earth shattering and yet it was the world to me. I had spent the day at Dave's, doing little projects outside together before the winter sets in. The day was sunny and unusually warm, the air had an ironic spring smell to it as if life was about to start over and not go to sleep. I did not want the day to end but the sun was sinking lower in the sky. Everything was so silent and the beauty of the sun setting over the creek that quietly flows past Dave's house was breath taking. I said to Dave, "wow that is beautiful" and looking over at him, he sat on a stone wall, reached out to me and said come here. He pulled me into him, I turned around and sat on the wall between his legs. He wrapped his long arms lovingly around me, put his chin on my shoulder, our cheeks touching and we just sat there in silence together watching the sun go down. It had so much meaning for me that the moment was almost over whelming. One reason, I felt it was the summer sun's last good bye, the last perfect sunset for the season until next spring. Most of all however it was the reason that poems are written about, it is the fodder for love songs, two people in love watching the sun set. A first for me I realized of my entire life, and even though I have watched many beautiful sunsets, this time it was almost intoxicating to be sharing it with someone. A simple moment for most people everywhere, but something so touching and new for someone who has finally allowed himself to fall in love.

I get it now, the love songs that is, the love stories and poems. I thought I understood them before but I see now that you can not really grasp the meaning until you have actually been in that emotion. It is kind of like when someone has suffered a great loss, everyone tries to comfort them by saying they understand, when in reality they have no clue, they never had to experience the feeling. That was one of my fears when still in the closet, to grow old and die always having been alone, never knowing what 'being in love' with someone was like. I would have considered my life a waste if that had happened. I understand now when love songs speak of never wanting to be apart, of being complete together and of being broken hearted at the thought of losing one another. Whispering to Dave I even expressed this feeling to him, I said "so this is what love songs are about" he kissed me lightly on the neck just below my ear and whispered "I do love you so much". I leaned my head back onto his shoulder and just enjoyed the warmth of his body. The air quickly became very crisp with the fading light and as the sun finally sank from our sight, I softly said "thank you for sharing this with me".

When I Look Back

This past year I felt that I had done little with my life, however a straight friend made the comment "are you freaking kidding me" and then pointed out the guy she knew a year ago and the guy now. Sometimes it is good to have some of those straight people around, they can come in real handy! When I look back I am amazed at the way I stepped into this new world of mine, to go from being afraid of even typing the word 'gay' to where I have a boyfriend and most people know about us, it is almost unbelievable to me at times. If three years ago someone tried to tell me this, I would have said their crystal ball was broke, I would have also said they were totally wrong because "I'm straight, what the heck are you talking about" and then went off to sweat over what I did wrong to let them see through the 'straight shield' that I was obsessed over.

I am back planning to attend my sisters Halloween dinner (where did the time go) and it was such a huge event for me last year. Some may remember there were suppose to be some gay men and women there and I was excited as it would be my first contact with other gay people. Some may also remember it ended up with only one straight man showing up and some lesbians, the guy left early and I was teased about being the only man in a house full of women, most of who are married or gay! I had fun anyway and a good laugh out of it. Here I am now not thinking about whether the people there will be gay or straight, male or female, I just want to make friends and have a good time. I have Dave now and it will just be an evening out, plus a chance to let Dave and my sister get to know each other better. Mountains are becoming molehills, and this tells me I am on the right path, because I want to feel good about the things I've done this last year, when I look back.

Legal Action

I have posted pictures on here of my balcony and how I grow plants and keep it spotlessly clean. One of the ways I keep pigeons away is by simply placing small flags around the railing. I figure that if everyone pitched in a little, we can make our surroundings look nicer. That is one of the reasons I will pick up garbage in the hallway if some lazy ass drops it. I think this is my home, I don't want it to look dirty, I also understand that most people these days do not think this way. Even in their own building if they drop something, they always think "oh well they pay people to pick up after me".

Today I received a letter from the company that owns the building, they said it has come to their attention that I have flags on my balcony and screening on the railing (yes dork, for the last FIVE years I have). The letter also stated only summer furniture is allowed on the balcony, I guess no flowers or mini garden. They said to remove them at once and threatened to take legal action if I don't do it within the next few days. The flags were the small ones that you see at a parade, not huge ones, the dark screen was here when I moved in and covered the rails so the pigeons could not fly through the bars, the flags scared them from flying over the top railing onto the balcony, you can't see the screen from the ground and I can't see the harm in having plants and flowers.

This has just upset me greatly, I am a good tenant, I am clean, respectful and always pay my rent. They could have just asked me as I see the manager all the time. If the flags were bothering someone they could have just said "Steve we have to ask you to remove the flags" and I would have done it, not send me a threatening letter. I'm waiting to see if other people remove their flags etc as well. They gave me a list of ways to keep away the pigeons, I say f$%* you! If you want me to do these things then buy them for me and I'll put them up. I honestly give up however, looking at the other balconies with TV dishes and wires everywhere, covered in two inches of bird crap, bikes, old chairs or just years of pigeons building nests and crapping, I will do the same. If they want me to conform, I'll conform, I'll just close my balcony door and let it become a filth hole like most of the others.

I can't help wonder who complained, some crazy old pigeon person that thought it was cruel to scare them from my balcony, maybe one of those bitter people who just can't stand to see someone doing something nice and tries to interfere, or maybe one of those hypocritical Quebec separatists who bitch about Canada flags but work for the Canadian government and live in Ontario for the better health care. Perhaps the pigeons like everyone else, have gotten themselves a lawyer.

Dear building management, please forgive me for trying to keep my balcony clean, for trying to add a little beauty and make it inviting, I promise that you have taught me a good lesson and I will never attempt to do that again. I promise to never pick up paper in the halls either or put some dumb ass's garbage down the shoot who just left it at the door to smell. I promise not to try and clean all the salt and snow from my boots, I'll just walk in like most others do. Now don't you worry, the next time someone asks me "is this a good place to live" I will be sure to tell them how you are on top of the flag situation... but can fall behind quite a bit when it comes to repairs.

No Time

I do not want to sound like a broken record but some times I find city life and city people so cold and self-centered at times unlike people from the country. There is just no time for anyone as people rush around to no where and I realized that it is also starting to rub off on me. This week one of my close friends lost her Dad, she was strong but still being the youngest and Daddy's girl, there were times where the thought of never seeing him again or talking to him again would overwhelm her. I let her cry on my shoulder so to speak the next night on the phone and asked what arrangements would be made. Later I spoke to our groups of friends to see who was going where and when. This is the part that reminds me that I am in the city now, everyone made statements like "oh I sent her an email" or "I will probably call her" or "I will be in meetings all day so I can't go in the evening". I thought 'wow' when did we get to the point of having so little time in our lives that we could not set aside a moment to go comfort a friend in time of sorrow. When did we become so self centered or uncaring. It is like people don't want to have to put themselves out in the slightest way for others.

In the country we would not dream of missing such an important moment in a friend's life. It is a sign of respect to the family and it would almost seem shameful for us not to go. I remember my sister and I talking about this one day when we first moved to the city. If we went to a funeral or were invited to a wedding in town, we expected it to be huge because there are more people in a city. However we were always surprised at how few people would show up to events like this. Where I came from the halls and churches would be packed if a loved friend was married or their family member passed away. When I went to the wake, there was only one other person from our group of friends. Some people asked me to send their respects however I decided not to, as it is up to them to make the effort. I thought also how silly will it sound to say "Mary is thinking of you in this time of sorrow and feels really bad about picking up a few groceries, that could have waited until tomorrow instead of coming here to support you".

No time, there just seems to be no time left for anything except work, school, TV or the computer. People have to plan out weeks ahead of time to visit each other, and that is even not too often once we get past 27 - 28. I sometimes hear people complain about having to go see their parents as if their time was too good to waste on Mom and Dad, making fun of them because they are old and set in their ways now. I remember at work a woman saying that her father bought a house down the street from her, my thought was, "oh that is good, he will not be lonely and she will have him close by" I was suddenly shocked when all the people around her groaned and said things like "that is awful", "oh no that's bad" or "I would move." Same with kids these days, I know they can be spoiled but there is no time for kids in our society now, maybe that is why they are brats. I always hear about changing schools to run all year, after school programs, before school programs, three year old kindergarten, huge government daycare programs, as both parents have to work these days to make ends meet. It is a fact of life I understand that, just I feel sorry for kids if we have to keep them in an institution because no one has time to look after them. You can pay someone to look after them but you can't pay someone to love them and kids are smart, they know when someone cares. There is just no room or time for them, I understand the cities are too fast paced and dangerous now to let them run around and play like we used to. Same with pets, people complain and say it is cruel if a factory farm locks an animal up in a cage and I agree, but these days how many people lock their dog or sometimes cat in a crate for the day because they don't have time to train them properly or the animal can't stand to be alone. There are people in my building who love their pets and take care of them well, but think for a minute, they lock the dog up at six, leave for work, come back that evening around five, take the dog out then maybe lock him back up at seven, go out for the evening and return near ten or eleven. There is love just no time to show it.

I am just making this observation, not trying to get up on a high horse. In fact the next day I fell into the "don't take my precious time" selfish trap as well. The funeral was in the morning and I was going out to Dave's place and then my parents. I thought I would go to the wake the evening before and that would be enough as the funeral would cut into my travel time. The next night however I was thinking, I am sure my friend had all sorts of plans for the week and she had to change everything, I felt guilty because all I had to do was show up and I failed in doing that, I failed to do something so simple as to give her a little comfort, by giving her a little time.

This Way.

The weather here has been beautiful these last few days. Dave and I have been trying to get some last minute hiking in to see the final farewell of colour before the grey days of November come. Once again I want to take you with us and see where the paths lead.
Many of the paths in a nearby park are walk ways so that everyone can get out and enjoy nature. This is a real nature park, not a city park.


This time the paths opened up new breath taking views that I was not aware of, even living so close.


Views like this one, I grew up in hilly country but I was not aware of this look out. I was amazed. A lot of my photos did not turn out because of the clouds playing tricks with the lighting.

Sun and clouds battle it out for control of the sky, you can see the shadows and sunlight chasing each other across the valley below.

Some guy sitting on the stone wall of the look out. Okay its me again, there everyone happy now? There was a reason why I made the last shots so far away. Looking over the valley I can see why my Irish ancestors settled here.

Some cute guy sitting with a sexy pose on a rock, yup its Dave. With my honey-bun however I don't even let him read this blog so it would not be fair to put a clear pic of him on here.

This tree was interesting it started out as a sapling growing in the crack of the rocks.

Totally surrounded by rock it sent out roots across the rock above and below until it hit earth, now it is anchored to the stone but the roots do not enter the ground for about five feet (1.5 meters) from the tree. Made me think of tree tentacles as if it would grab a person walking by.

Cool water, I love the smell that comes off of a clean lake. Since this is park land there are no cottages to spoil the view. It makes me think of jumping in however the day was not that warm. There is an interesting fact about this lake. When the sea receded after the last ice age this lake stayed salty for thousands of years, giving the salt water fish time to adapt to fresh water. Thus they say there is a type of fish that is a salt water fish everywhere else in the world, but here it exists as a fresh water fish.

A hidden cave in the forest floor, don't fall in! There is a fence around it and I think just as well, you would almost stumble into it before you saw it. It drops down suddenly and quite far. They say two brothers used to mine down there for minerals back in the day.

There were many other interesting things we saw that day, these were just a few. We were being called back as the day was ending and we had plans later. Another walk way only this one would guide us home.

A final view before we left, we could look out towards the city where I had to return, one last shot and I thought it was fitting as the conflict within us of loving nature but having to return to the city, was being played out on the valley floor below as the city is trying to spread out into the country.

Everyone have a good weekend and try to get out before the colours are all gone. In fact I see a lot of blog writers doing the same type of post, maybe that could become a meme theme, if you want to take part get out, snaps some photos and post them. Just my way of encouraging you to get out. :)

Boring Love

Warning! The following post will be dull, boring and even mushy but it is a fact of my life. I figured I better give this warning because I do get emails saying things like "Dear Steve, you seem like a nice person but all you ever talk about is your relationship with Dave or about being gay" and " Dear Steve, I like your blog but they are getting too mushy and I am bored with them." Actually this does not offend me as they probably think they are helping me out, and honestly I know it is partly true. The thing is... this is a blog about a gay guy coming out and entering into my first real relationship, so naturally the things that are on my mind about all this will make it into my blog. I did not intend to write about my whole life here. Also most say people write blogs for attention, not in my case, it was a place to get my thoughts out. I often turn down suggestions to draw attention to my blog. Honestly I like the small group of people who I have met through this blog and connected with, plus I respect the people who read regularly but for their own reasons choose to stay silent. I do not have an interest in trying to spice it up more to be read more as that would not really be me, also I don't want to lose that connection with the people who comment and email, I would miss you guys/gals.

Now the mushy parts. Dave and I have actually been doing pretty well, he is really trying to give me the things I need in this relationship and it is working out well. I know we are in love but now it is going to that next level where for lack of a better word, we are really bonding to each other. I feel happy and good about our relationship, I don't worry anymore that it will not work out, it seems we have opened a door to being able to say anything on our minds and we only appreciate the other more for their honesty. We can't stand being away from each other and right now, there is nothing I love better than on a cold night, being snuggled up close to my warm guy... even if he does snore a bit, a big bit, a lot. I was teasing him the other day, I said this must be love because we speak 'baby talk' to each other now. You know, like when he is really tired and wants me to come to bed with him he says "me tired, need go sleepy, you come wiff me peas! I'm just as bad, I'll say "its cold, snuggle up wiff me under the bankies" umm yeah, I'm serious, we actually say that to each other! We always cuddle up together, whether eating, watching TV, sitting outside in the sun, everywhere. I still get little jolts when he takes my hand, I like to just touch him, smell him and we still just kiss on the couch for fun. I don't see myself anywhere else right now except with this man.

We are so ordinary, I think straight people who don't know gay people would be shocked with how day to day ordinary we are. I think that is a message I would like to give younger gay people or older gay people coming out who feel they don't fit into the 'gay lifestyle' the message that there is not one way to live gay. They can be anything from a drag queen, to a couple that comes home from the office, cooks supper and goes out riding on dirt bikes after. The life you want is the life that you can take for yourself and live, there are plenty of gay men of every interest to live it with you.