From Beginning to End.

Driving home from work late one night, I was flipping through radio stations to entertain myself with so as not to fall asleep. I landed on one that I have recently started listening to. It's one of those stations that plays music from the eighties. There used to be a number of them years ago when generation X began to hit their thirties. I think people grow tired of hearing the old songs and move on, ending the market for that period. Now as the older X'ers approach their fifties, I guess this station wants to take a run at the generation again. ............................................ The station was playing a song called "Video killed the radio star" a pop song, certainly not the greatest song to come out of the eighties but it has special significance for me. I was about to go to my very first dance, I was really excited, it was my step towards adulthood and as I walked into the dance, that was the song the DJ was playing. It's funny how something like a song, sight or smell can be sealed in a person's memory at certain moments in our life. Now whenever I hear that song, I am that shy awkward kid, walking into a dance, my first step towards my teenage years. It had me wondering about the other side of this life moment, what was the last song playing as I left my very last dance. ...........................................I would know that answer or be able to take a really good guess if I finished my high school years in the country because every dance in my country school ended with "stairway to heaven", I think it was a law written down some place. I loved to dance, I was ok at it, at least much better than most of the other guys who only did the white boy left right shuffle. It was not that fun at the dances in the country, the guys lined up along the walls and watched as only mostly the girls danced. Surprising for many of you to hear but I was not that popular, the girls I feel had a sixth sense that something was not up to standard with me, I feel women's intuition was telling them I was gay even before we understood what that meant. Dances were very structured in our minds, people were to dance in pairs only, girl with girl, girl with guy who likes them or sometimes girl with male friend but that was frowned upon because it could make the girl look unpopular. ............................................ I moved to the city for my last two years of high school and dances were a blast, it was everything I hoped for, everyone danced together guys, girls and there was no boring structure to it, just one big party. I wonder however what was the last song playing, I didn't pay attention to that mile stone in my life, when high school ends, teen years would soon end and I would be an adult. I don't remember the last dance, did I stay to the end, was the last song one I liked, was it something I hated, was it maybe even stairway to heaven, I guess I will never know.

My Buddy, Still.

So after the intense drama of stomping on someone's heart and have them break down sobbing in front of me, I decided to stay in touch and check up on him. I contacted my friend to make sure he was alright. I went over to talk things out, he was ticked off with me and I understand that. He gave me a little heck but eventually we ended up laughing about the situation, he is still hurt but understands, it's nothing personal. We both agreed that we would remain friends, not a lot of gay people around and we need each other. I warned him to guard his feelings, not to get carried away again if we are to continue hanging out. ....................................... We are so different from one another, from different worlds and yet there is a chemistry between us, it scares me at times how quickly he has figured me out. He can read me like a book and will often say "oh boy, what's wrong now" when I have something on my mind. He knows this and will say, "I know you buddy, I've got you figured out". ............................................. I don't feel an attraction to him but also I can already see the problems that would break us up if we were dating. Yes I am an over thinker. I am also a person grounded in reality and to be honest, the last relationship I was in crushed me when it ended. I don't want to get hurt like that again, I know it will probably happen but I would like to avoid that if I could. I am romantic at heart but the reality part kicks in when it's clear that a certain relationship would never work. Oh man, that's coming out so wrong, I am sounding like one of those awful romance made for tv movies. The one where the guy says he was hurt and will never let love in again until one day he meets the neighbor who he hates at first but then blah blah blah, you know what happens. ............................................ I know, actually we both know it's probably better if I stay away but we're both tired of being alone. We both have friends but sometimes we want a gay friend, just to talk about all the things we don't feel comfortable mentioning to our straight friends. Living within minutes of each other makes that friendship work, so we're going to continue and take things as they come. I like just hanging out with him, for example the other night, it was just fun to drink beer and watch clips on YouTube of Mrs Brown's boys while nearly pissing ourselves laughing, something everyone needs from time to time.

I Broke Someone's Heart.

Last night I broke someone's heart, someone that I care deeply about and today I feel what can only be described as sorrow. This is not how I had planned to start blogging again, I had a bunch of posts in mind but have been too busy to put them in writing, I have said in the past, whatever is rolling around in this head of mine, may come out in my blog, and this hits the emotional scale at the top. ............................................ To fill in the blanks, I met a really nice guy not far from where I live. We really hit it off, there is chemistry between us, we are really comfortable around each other. He is a very down to earth type guy, a very manly, pickup truck driving, construction worker, slightly bad boy type guy. I should be nuts about him, but I'm not, unfortunately that "spark" just isn't there. I like having him as a friend...... and yes when he suggested a friendship with benefits I agreed. Something that I have never done before, something that a huge part of me kept saying "no" to but I have grown tired of being a "good" guy and wanted some sort of connection with another man. Lets just say he knows all the right moves and so our friendship became quite intense. However he suddenly began to use the word "love" which sadly I just wasn't feeling, I really wish I did but love doesn't work that way. I tried, which I know was a mistake, it only made him fall faster and harder. Finally this week he was telling me about plans he had for us in the future, how he never felt like this about another guy. He said to please not hurt him, that I had won him over, that he would do anything for me. I was stunned, shocked, I didn't think this would happen so fast. ............................................. I love the guy but not in the way he wants, he often picked up on that, I felt so much guilt about this for the last two weeks. Finally last night I told him the truth. He was heartbroken, I mean really heartbroken, he really cried, his past relationships were not that good and he said he thought he finally lucked out with me. If he had grown angry with me I could have taken that but he said kind and loving things that melted my heart on the spot. He understood, better to know now than later, it would only be worse. I don't think I have ever felt like such a pile of garbage as I did last night hurting someone I care about. On the way home I cried, I realized that the old saying is probably true about friends with benefits doesn't really work, in a lot of cases someone will end up getting hurt in a fwb situation. Yuck, life is just easier blogging instead of meeting actual people, maybe I'll just stay on my computer. Well not really, I'm just saying that because I'm down.

Coming Soon, Grand Reopening!

Grand reopening coming soon, BIGGER, bolder, flashier, sugar free, fat free, smoke free, more nudity, environmentally friendly, controversial, girls girls girls, guys guys guys, triple X rated, confrontational, drug induced sex romps and much much more of none of the above!

Think I'll stop here, at least for now.

When I started blogging, way back in 2007, I became part of a community of gay people coming out, supporting each other, sharing experiences etc, it was a little exciting actually, almost like a second adolescence. I really missed it when I moved and no longer had internet access, I really missed the people who I had met on line. After getting net access again I thought about starting back but waited for a while. This time it's different, blogging is the VCR of technology and not many do it anymore. Especially not many of my past blog buddies, sadly many deleted their blogs and the result is a lot of good posts are gone forever. ............................................ I blog mostly to get stuff out of my head, but lately I have nothing to say, or things I want to say but hold back for many reasons. My blog has never felt the same this time around and I have to remind myself to do it, like a chore. I didn't connected with many people this time, I do say I blog for me but I like meeting other people as well. I did get to meet with a small group of super sexy men and I am really happy about that. I know some of the reasons for the blog going cold, like putting up a picture so people can relate to the poster etc were some of the things I should have done. Mainly I think people sense when you are passionate about something like first coming out, compared to blabbing on about buying socks. ................................. I will stop here, I'm not interested in blogging anymore. I don't want to say I quit, not that final, because Murphy's law will strike and something could come up that I want to vent about and I would look stupid saying "I'm back" after saying goodbye. Also blogger has done something to make it harder for people to read blogs, I guess they are trying to get people to sign up to their sites, a good way to make people do the reverse. To the super sexy guys, you have my email and I am going back to my lurker ways so I will watch what people are up to including you gentlemen.

Stepped into it I did.

Well here is what I have been up to, a little while ago, I suddenly had the urge to do something about my lack of gay friends and I decided to put out feelers for my area, I had the bright idea that I would be more inclined to follow up with a friendship if the people were close by. At first I was very pleased with the response, there were some good emails going back and forth between myself and different guys. I was surprised by the number as well. The problem appeared within a few days however when I was trying to meet with some of them. It turns out, from the group of about fifteen guys, fourteen are married and wanted to start something on the side, the one who is single does seem to be nice but he says he is fifty one; however looks more like seventy one. Oh well, it was worth a try.

Not So Fast "lady".

Sometimes being gay, being different from most men, can have funny results. I have an email account that I don't use often. I call it my "make sure you are not crazy email account". I use it when I am first meeting someone or joining a group. Lately I am receiving a lot of spam, some is very clever in the way it is presented, almost the way a close friend would email. However I don't use my real name, so they are busted when they email, "hey Tom it's me, still single?" The funniest for me though is the constant, buddy I have the perfect girl for you, (no you don't) or remember me it's your best girl, we had a blast (not likely) lets hook up again, (what do you mean again), many women liked your picture (amazing since I never took one) and finally, just a lonely girl looking for a hook up with a cute guy, (well then, just keep looking sister because I am looking for the exact same thing). It's funny when they assume I am straight, it gives them away immediately. Of course the sad truth is if someone sent an email "I'm the hot guy who met you last week", I would instantly know it was spam as well.