I Broke Someone's Heart.

Last night I broke someone's heart, someone that I care deeply about and today I feel what can only be described as sorrow. This is not how I had planned to start blogging again, I had a bunch of posts in mind but have been too busy to put them in writing, I have said in the past, whatever is rolling around in this head of mine, may come out in my blog, and this hits the emotional scale at the top. ............................................ To fill in the blanks, I met a really nice guy not far from where I live. We really hit it off, there is chemistry between us, we are really comfortable around each other. He is a very down to earth type guy, a very manly, pickup truck driving, construction worker, slightly bad boy type guy. I should be nuts about him, but I'm not, unfortunately that "spark" just isn't there. I like having him as a friend...... and yes when he suggested a friendship with benefits I agreed. Something that I have never done before, something that a huge part of me kept saying "no" to but I have grown tired of being a "good" guy and wanted some sort of connection with another man. Lets just say he knows all the right moves and so our friendship became quite intense. However he suddenly began to use the word "love" which sadly I just wasn't feeling, I really wish I did but love doesn't work that way. I tried, which I know was a mistake, it only made him fall faster and harder. Finally this week he was telling me about plans he had for us in the future, how he never felt like this about another guy. He said to please not hurt him, that I had won him over, that he would do anything for me. I was stunned, shocked, I didn't think this would happen so fast. ............................................. I love the guy but not in the way he wants, he often picked up on that, I felt so much guilt about this for the last two weeks. Finally last night I told him the truth. He was heartbroken, I mean really heartbroken, he really cried, his past relationships were not that good and he said he thought he finally lucked out with me. If he had grown angry with me I could have taken that but he said kind and loving things that melted my heart on the spot. He understood, better to know now than later, it would only be worse. I don't think I have ever felt like such a pile of garbage as I did last night hurting someone I care about. On the way home I cried, I realized that the old saying is probably true about friends with benefits doesn't really work, in a lot of cases someone will end up getting hurt in a fwb situation. Yuck, life is just easier blogging instead of meeting actual people, maybe I'll just stay on my computer. Well not really, I'm just saying that because I'm down.

Coming Soon, Grand Reopening!

Grand reopening coming soon, BIGGER, bolder, flashier, sugar free, fat free, smoke free, more nudity, environmentally friendly, controversial, girls girls girls, guys guys guys, triple X rated, confrontational, drug induced sex romps and much much more of none of the above!

Think I'll stop here, at least for now.

When I started blogging, way back in 2007, I became part of a community of gay people coming out, supporting each other, sharing experiences etc, it was a little exciting actually, almost like a second adolescence. I really missed it when I moved and no longer had internet access, I really missed the people who I had met on line. After getting net access again I thought about starting back but waited for a while. This time it's different, blogging is the VCR of technology and not many do it anymore. Especially not many of my past blog buddies, sadly many deleted their blogs and the result is a lot of good posts are gone forever. ............................................ I blog mostly to get stuff out of my head, but lately I have nothing to say, or things I want to say but hold back for many reasons. My blog has never felt the same this time around and I have to remind myself to do it, like a chore. I didn't connected with many people this time, I do say I blog for me but I like meeting other people as well. I did get to meet with a small group of super sexy men and I am really happy about that. I know some of the reasons for the blog going cold, like putting up a picture so people can relate to the poster etc were some of the things I should have done. Mainly I think people sense when you are passionate about something like first coming out, compared to blabbing on about buying socks. ................................. I will stop here, I'm not interested in blogging anymore. I don't want to say I quit, not that final, because Murphy's law will strike and something could come up that I want to vent about and I would look stupid saying "I'm back" after saying goodbye. Also blogger has done something to make it harder for people to read blogs, I guess they are trying to get people to sign up to their sites, a good way to make people do the reverse. To the super sexy guys, you have my email and I am going back to my lurker ways so I will watch what people are up to including you gentlemen.

Stepped into it I did.

Well here is what I have been up to, a little while ago, I suddenly had the urge to do something about my lack of gay friends and I decided to put out feelers for my area, I had the bright idea that I would be more inclined to follow up with a friendship if the people were close by. At first I was very pleased with the response, there were some good emails going back and forth between myself and different guys. I was surprised by the number as well. The problem appeared within a few days however when I was trying to meet with some of them. It turns out, from the group of about fifteen guys, fourteen are married and wanted to start something on the side, the one who is single does seem to be nice but he says he is fifty one; however looks more like seventy one. Oh well, it was worth a try.

Not So Fast "lady".

Sometimes being gay, being different from most men, can have funny results. I have an email account that I don't use often. I call it my "make sure you are not crazy email account". I use it when I am first meeting someone or joining a group. Lately I am receiving a lot of spam, some is very clever in the way it is presented, almost the way a close friend would email. However I don't use my real name, so they are busted when they email, "hey Tom it's me, still single?" The funniest for me though is the constant, buddy I have the perfect girl for you, (no you don't) or remember me it's your best girl, we had a blast (not likely) lets hook up again, (what do you mean again), many women liked your picture (amazing since I never took one) and finally, just a lonely girl looking for a hook up with a cute guy, (well then, just keep looking sister because I am looking for the exact same thing). It's funny when they assume I am straight, it gives them away immediately. Of course the sad truth is if someone sent an email "I'm the hot guy who met you last week", I would instantly know it was spam as well.

Ground Control to Major Tom?

I was saddened to hear about David Bowie dying, I don't really follow famous people's private lives so I was not aware that he had cancer. I credit him for inspiring many of the bands that I used to listen to growing up. I was not a dedicated fan but I liked a lot of his music. I don't know a lot about music so I want to blog about him from a different angle. Besides being ground breaking in music, he was also ground breaking in the sexuality department and gender bending. As a gay boy growing up he gave me that flicker of courage, of course I kept blowing out that flicker of courage but that's another post. A part of me wants to claim him as "ours", listening to the radio stations everyone is making statements about how great he was and how everyone loved him and his music (typical), I know things have progressed but I remember things differently, better to leave those memories in the past. I feel Bowie was one of those steps that brought us to where we are today as a community. I actually don't know if he was gay or bisexual or who he was with at the end, I just have this gnawing feeling like we have lost another of the elders of our tribe.

You, the bestest blogger! ;)

Over the last few weeks, I have been hearing about a lottery down in the States, that has reached staggering amounts of money as in hundreds of millions. Turns out that Canadians can also buy tickets to this fortune. Now it apparently has hit the over one billion mark, with the conversion rate, if a Canadian were to win they would have to give the winner a state of their own. I would take Main or Vermont, I think they would fit into Canada better and seem like a good place to liv- um,err, I mean own. ............................................ Now comes the radio vomit, the whining, "that's just too much money" sure, "I wouldn't want it" buuuull. In all the history of lottery winnings, not once do I recall anyone ever saying, "just give me half, I don't want all of it". Studies have shown that if you were good with money before you won, you were good with money after you won and lead a good life. If you were bad with money before the win, then you are the idiot crying on the news about how you lost all your money buying drinks and gambling in casinos. ............................................. I want it all, lol, in fact if you win I will help you with this horrible money burden. Seriously not just the fun a person could have, the people and causes that could be helped, really helped. A person could do a lot of "silly" but more importantly a person could do a lot of good. ...................................... That leads me to my next statement. I don't buy tickets and I don't plan on driving to the border to get one of these billion dollar tickets; however I have a good feeling about "you" yes you know who you are, it may surprise you that I think you have the best blog on the entire net. You are by far my favorite blogger, deep down I think you felt that, maybe we didn't really connect, that is my fault I was too shy from being star struck by your awesome personality. I would hope that you don't think I am just saying this because of your pending win, what you do with your millions is your choice, but you know if you feel generous towards someone clever enough to recognize your true greatness then I would totally accept that gift, only because I want to honour your thoughtfulness towards me.