My Letter to Santa.

I never wrote a letter to Santa in my life, it wasn't part of my family tradition, mom would ask us to tell her what we wanted and she would relay the message, very sneaky on her part. ............................................. I think if I did write a letter to him now, I would ask him to let me go with him Christmas eve, that would be all I wanted for Christmas. Come get me, take me to his shop and then on to his deliveries as well. The real gift would be the Christmas spirit, that Christmas magic many of us felt when we were kids, that's what I want for Christmas.

Tran, Trans, Tranny Trouble.

The story of how trans trouble with a guy ended up costing me money. Yes people I have trans trouble, as in the transmission of my car kicked the bucket (lol got you) and the guy is my mechanic who will replace it. At this point I should probably point out that I would never call someone a tranny etc, sounds rude and makes them sound like an object instead of a person who happens to be transgender. ............................................. With a little over a week until Christmas, I really appreciate this curve ball that life just tossed me. Could have been worse, I was not far from home so my old girl was able to crawl back before giving up the ghost. This is the first time I have ever had trouble in almost ten years so I can't complain too much. All I have to do is watch the news for five minutes to grasp that this is not the end of the world. The only thing is out in the country not having a car is annoying beyond belief. I will have to rent one and I can't believe the user hostile attitude of the rental companies. Their motto should be "we are here to gouge you" or "we are here to serve us" or "bend over, we hope you're a bottom". I should at least expect dinner when I am about to be that badly screwed.

Judgemental?

Sometimes I can be quite judgemental, a flaw for sure, I get it from good old mom. It's wrong but I can make snap judgments on people. I do like to be proven wrong however, I'm not so full of myself that I put blinders on to keep up the charade, I like to be surprised by people. I do find I am usually correct, I think it's just from experience and I am a grounded, down to earth type. I try not to see the world through a clouded view. Although I also understand that we all see the world through our own clouded view. ............................................... This week I let something slid, a new friendship that I had started. I had been emailing back and forth with a gay man who was looking for friends. He seemed nice enough at first but the thing that gave me pause was the constant drama he seemed to have gotten himself into. He works in a career where he will be guiding people, helping people, and mentoring people. I would think a person should have their own act together before they expect to tell others what to do. ............................................ Instead I received emails about not speaking with family, breaking off from friends, horrible relationships, aches, pains, depression and on and on. I found this not very professional, like someone becoming a vet but doesn't like animals. Alarm bells began ringing, do people think every email is a therapy session, isn't it a little classless to start revealing every pimple and wart to a stranger? Soon I lost interest in meeting, maybe he is just lonely, maybe he is lonely for a reason. ..................................... I can get negative and down about a lot of issues but I try to fight that, I often make an effort to stay away from negative people. Everyone has drama in their life, friends are supposed to be an outlet from drama not heap more on. Maybe he needed that outlet, maybe he just needed someone to listen. Judgemental little me, I ended the friendship before I ever gave it a chance, so now I will never know.

Pity the Baroness.

Tonight, as is often the custom at Christmas, one of the local stations will be playing the film, The Sound of Music, I am not sure about the connection between Christmas and Nazis but who am I to judge. ............................. For those of you who may not know about this movie, it's the heart breakingly sad story about a true diva, one of the original divas, the stunning Baroness Schraeder (played by Eleanor Parker) and her quest to land a rich and handsome husband. However after spending years laying out the groundwork to reel in a good man, (the dashing Captain VonTrapp) her plans are foiled. ............................................ While the sophisticated and worldly Baroness is planning to come for a visit, along with every true diva's accessory, a gay man named Max, she is unaware that another woman has entered into her lover's household. A young backward mountain girl who climbed down from the hills to hide out in a convent. When the Baroness first arrives, being a woman who knows what she wants, she can always detect an amateur and sees right through the nanny/nun. This holy Mary Poppins starts to bond with the Captain through music and the Baroness becomes practically ill with the sickening sweetness. Giving us the best line from the movie "why didn't you tell me to bring my harmonica" which actually I used at a bbq last summer when everyone except me pulled out a guitar and started singing folk songs. ..................................... Fast forward and the clever Baroness tricks the dull nun into leaving, heaping guilt and shame onto her, it's brilliant. Now she realizes the only thing between her and a new hubby is the scary robot children that he cranked with his first wife, seven children, I guess we know what he did when he came back from being out on the sea. Boarding school, she confesses to max (who I think slept with the evil butler, I just get that feeling). She has the logical solution to get rid of the runny nose brigade, send them off to boarding school. ............................................. Everything is working to plan, things are back to normal when suddenly who shows up like a lost puppy, the nun-ny! Like the beautiful and gracious woman she is, she knows when she has been defeated, yes defeated by youth and the virginal promise of unmarked snow, what every straight guy in midlife craves. With a broken heart she still shows class by giving the Captain a way out to save face for both of them, she says she doesn't want to be tied down and their arrangement no longer works for her. She packs up Max and leaves the two lumps because they deserve each other. ............................................ Later she will be proven right as once he marries the ex-nun he loses his job, they form a band, tick off a bunch of Nazi soldiers, encourage nuns to steal auto parts and then they become homeless. ............................................ As a final note Eleanor Parker only died recently December 9, 2013 of phenomena at the age of 91, sadly I didn't hear anything about it.

Gay me.

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and I was off work. I decided to walk through a field and as often happens when walking a thought occurred to me. I wondered how much of who I am is me because I'm gay and how much of who I am is "me" weather I turned out gay or not. How much of being gay affects who I am and I mean that in both the physical and mental aspects of the person I became. ............................................ There is a difference between gay men and straight men for the most part, I know many will not like or agree with my statement but I have noticed this long ago. It's not one thing it's more like a collection of things, it can sometimes be hard to pinpoint but there is a difference. ............................................. The reason this came into my head, I was having a failure moment. I have been on this farm six years now and never tried to run it. Instead I work in the city and rent the land. I sometimes think a "real" man would have given it a shot, not this half man, not this gay mouse. I over think everything, I fear every possible situation that could go wrong. ............................................ I wonder what I would be like if I was straight, how different would my personality be, or would it be different, I wonder. Even the physical part of who I am. My height is normal but I'm embarrassed by my size, I have the frame of a ten year old and I know being gay has something to do with that. Being this tiny Tim also affected my choice not to farm and not to take part in a lot of sports when younger. Being gay probably has something to do with almost every choice I have ever made and it's hard to explain but a lot of those choices were against what I really wanted, they were negative choices. ............................................. I don't want to make this a whining post, more like if an alien had been observing Steven growing up, it would have noticed that I was different from the other boys, how much was nature and how much was nurture. I don't want that anal probe thing that aliens do though, I'm actually more of a top so that would rub me the wrong way. I mean seriously they could just ask me what I had to eat and skip the whole procedure. ............................................ Sometimes I still feel like there are two of me, the "real" Steven, the guy I was suppose to be but was struck down by gay hormones, and the Steven I am today. I know this is not a healthy way to think because it is seeing myself as a damaged straight guy instead of a complete gay man. Still I have to wonder, how much of my personality is because I am gay and how much is because that's who I am.

Blasted Phone Company.

Amongst Canadians, one of our complaints is that our phone charges are much higher than other countries. I guess it's because the phone lines freeze in winter and all the words get back logged, only to run free again come spring. This morning we were startled by the phone ringing, very unusual as no one would be calling me that early. We have a saying in the country, good news sleeps until noon. Scrambling for the phone I brace myself for bad news. On the line is some guy telling me my computer has a virus and if I give him my credit card information and access to my computer, he will fix everything. So I said sure, I mean who needs all that stupid money to pay for food and rent anyway. Just kidding I hung up. ............................................ The serious side of this is they target the elderly or people who have learning disabilities, so if you have anyone in your circle of family or friends that fall into this group, keep an eye out for them. That is not my angle with this post however, my take is on the glaring problem due to the phone companies. Take for example, I belong to two clubs and some of the people in it live about one and a half/two hours from me. If I call them for information I get a charge of eight to twelve dollars, even on weekends and nights. The guys who call regarding these scams are overseas, it's one of the reasons the law can't touch them. If you think about my bill for eight calling someone who is two hours away, their bills should be eight thousand! Hmmmm, something doesn't smell right. I am feeling a little gouged. I have one friend who told me he no longer calls his brother, instead he jumps in the car and goes to visit him because he said they can talk for hours and the price of a tank of gas is almost the same as his phone bill lol. ............................................ I think if the phone companies really wanted to help protect their clients, there is probably an easy solution but I wouldn't count on them because they will never do a thing unless they start to lose money, then watch how fast the clampdown comes. As for me, lower my charges you swindlers! Maybe next time that computer virus guy calls, I will ask him to call my friend for me and relay my messages.

FWBs and other bad ideas.

When I was younger I used to have friends over, we would play video games, drink beer and eat pizza. My friends were straight family men and my place was a getaway for them. I remember sometimes guys being guys, they would strip down to get comfortable, it was hard not to feel aroused by the situation. One day I had the thought in my head, why couldn't a person have a few friends over that would play video games, eat pizza, drink beer, get naked, play twister and help each other out with a little intimacy. When I first heard the term "friends with benefits" I thought "bingo" that may be the thing for me. Lately "friends with benefits" just seems to be part of the relationship dialogue, as if it has become a new form of couple, as if equal to boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend. The evening news did a segment one night about it and discussed how to navigate through a relationship like this, it almost seemed to recommend getting into a friendship if you happen to not be dating anyone. ....................................... Sounds good in theory but I can't actually see myself doing that. I think I would get attached to the person, (I would hope I get attached) it's not in me to not care. If I didn't, then something is really wrong with me, or him (or them lol). I am not judging anyone here, if that is your current situation then that is your business. As for myself, I think searching out someone to start this type of relationship would feel phoney, because it's not an actual friendship built on mutual interests, shared experiences or connections. It would be an arrangement, like a business partnership or something along those lines. I think after an encounter like that I would feel empty (oh, no pun intended) or have huge regrets. ............................................. Even now if a life long friend came forward and wanted to start something, it would be just too weird. Oh the awkward moment when I get naked and he gets naked, then the handcuffs come out etc etc, yuck it would be like when I have to strip at the doctor's office. I have come close to entering into a relationship like this but I backed out, it's not really what I am looking for. Better to keep these thoughts for fantasy, dirty dirty fantasies. Oh well you know what they say, you should learn to love yourself first, yes pun intended.