Evening out.. meh.

 I had some extra free time this afternoon and I thought I would try to get James to come out. Don't get me wrong, James is a really sweet man but sometimes I wish he was a lot less passive. I called him up and tried to invite him out to dinner, he said that he already ate around four and was full. I tried to get him to come out to a movie or something and spend a little time together. He felt that the evening was over and was getting late, in his defense it was almost five o'clock, boy hoo wee that's nearly half the night gone right there!

 I told him that I had called earlier and left a message. He said that the phone belongs to his roommate and he doesn't touch it when he is not around. He drives this old car so he never wants to meet anywhere more than fifteen minutes away from home in case the car dies. I sort of hurt his feelings last week. He has been talking about buying a new car for almost a year now. Finally I told him to take the plunge and stop talking about it, that his old car was limiting him and trapping him. That didn't go over well and he suggested that maybe we were not meant to be friends. I apologized for trying to tell him what to do, something he doesn't like from someone that is younger than him, ouch, I've been told!

 If another gay friend called and asked me to get together, I would... even if I just ate. I would go out, I would talk and laugh and share stories, I would make that connection. It was almost five o'clock however... time for bed?

Why is it that...

 Yesterday was a nice summer day, a little humid but the temperature wasn't too high. We had a few rain showers during the afternoon but we need rain so it wasn't too bad. Everything was fine, all seemed good, there were no weather warnings and then suddenly I heard thunder and saw this out my window.

 Feeling anxious instantly, I text my neighbor/friend, "why is it that lately every storm has to look like armageddon is approaching"? I figured if I'm going down, I wanted my final words to be smarty pants-ish, like me. I did my magic storm chanting, "go away, go away, go away, well at least it gives me something to do.

At least it was moving slowly, so that's a good sign at first, less likely to be a tornado hidden in there.

There was some thunder and lightning but not as bad as other storms, the weird thing was the colour of the sky, my camera was adjusting the weird pink colour and making it brighter than it actually was, in real life it was strange. My neighbour text back, "jeepers that's a crazy looking sky"!

 I know green sky means possible tornado coming but what does pink sky mean? Anyway the darkest clouds passed over relatively harmless, some wind but not that strong. The pink sky brought rain, a good shower for the rest of the evening but we really needed it so that was a bonus. I text my neighbour back, "thankfully it only brought rain, not the apocalypse"! Then I checked inside my pants, nope still dry, no wetness, I'm good to go. :D

Leave Kelly alone!

 Is it just me or is anyone else getting sick of hearing that Kelly McGillis is too ugly to appear in the Top Gun remake? I wasn't going to blog about this but if I see, hear or smell one more story about this I'm going to scream! She fits into my theme so I decided to post, she was married to both, two different men and a woman, not all at once, lol. Plus like me, she is getting older.

 I heard her in an interview saying that she no longer fits the Hollywood mold, she said, "I'm old, I'm fat and I look age appropriate". I thought good for her, she didn't seem upset and I think that was a shot back to the facelift crowd. The thing is, she is one of us now (O_O.. one.. of.. us) most people don't fit the Hollywood mold. In fact it's ironic that most of the people making fun of her, should look in the mirror, it's like the sugar calling the flour white!

It's sad that after being in films, becoming a mom and all the other things she probably did during her lifetime, this is her story now, something she didn't ask for. Seriously what is wrong with people, the movie came out in 1986, she was 29 or 30, that's 33 years ago, she's a 62 year-old women now for Pete's sake, it's not like she became a Nazi and looks this way because of that! She aged, like all of us are doing. I wonder how those reporters would feel when they turn sixty two and suddenly there are all kinds of stories about how ugly they have become.

 I don't know anything about Kelly McGillis, I have no clue whether she was a nice person or a diva, I actually didn't know her name until this age shaming started. It's just that this irritated me, if she had been in a bad accident that changed her appearance, would they make fun of that? Apparently Val Kilmer is not so hot either, he can't be in the movie because his character was killed off, I have seen some negative stories regarding him; however I don't see the constant stories about him getting older like with Kelly, a bit sexist I think.  She got older, it's not a crime, get over it people! Hollywood is fake and shallow, it always was, now we know that it was sick and creepy as well. In a place like that, there is certainly no room for someone who looks like a real person.

Avoiding the question.

 There have been a few stories lately regarding negative attitudes towards the LGBTQ community and I was feeling upset over the weekend but I decided not to blog about them for now. I have to step back and view my own life and for now it's pretty good. I need to focus on the positive side and I had a great experience last Wednesday during lunch hour. I know the group I sit with have very open minds regarding most things so I'm not surprised.

 I won't go into details but the subject of transgender people and gay people came up. This is usually quite rare and if the subject does come up.. it only lasts for seconds in a conversation. This time however it lasted longer and gave me an insight into how each person thinks. It was interesting hearing the views of the older generation vs the younger guys. Men around my age were embarrassed by past behavior and are working on being inclusive, the younger guys see no issue, they kept saying it doesn't affect me so why would I care who someone dates.

 One of the dads was saying how it is even better with young teens regarding LGBTQ issues. He was saying how easy it flows for his children when he listens in on conversations. He said he hears things like, "I saw Mike at the pool yesterday, remember him"?
 "No I don't know who you mean".
 "He was in your class last year and before that he used to be Mary when you were in elementary".
 "Oh yeah I remember him, how is he"?

 My coworker felt proud that his kids have an open mind like that. The older crew was explaining what it was like back in the eighties.. when even people like boy-George denied they were gay. How being gay was a no no especially in small towns. It was a great conversation, I found the viewpoints interesting, I felt really good coming away from that conversation. There was a point when people were saying to the younger guys, that is the reason it's still hard for the older generations to come out. At that moment I thought it would be perfect to say something like, "that's why I never said a word about myself until right now... and then pause as it sinks in... but I didn't. I walked away thinking, Old Lurker and Jimmy are going to give me such a hard time over this one... it made me laugh a little.

 I do have a reason and it's not what you think. First I don't think anyone really cares to be honest but that's not the reason for my silence. It's not about fear or rejection it's something else and it's simple. When I first came out to my friends years ago, there was a question that I hated having to answer. All my friends were happy for me to finally admit that I am gay, also they wanted the best for me so inevitably once I told them, they would ask with a warm curious smile, "so Steve, are you seeing someone, do you have a boyfriend"? Unfortunately I would have to answer no and I would see the smile fade away, they felt sorry for me, I know they were hoping that I had found someone and that was why I was telling people.

 I don't want to answer that question at the moment because I feel like the kid I was in high school asking people out, no girl would touch me with a ten foot pole. I felt like a loser at dating and now I suck at dating all over again. When I was with Dan, I noticed how easy it was for me to tell people, actually I wanted the world to know, love does that to a person. I know many of the guys will hope that I have someone and I want to be able to say with a shy grin, "yes I'm seeing someone, his name is".

Gay men and flowers.

 Maybe it's a stereo type but what is it about gay men and flowers. Many of us love the pretty, pretty colours.. lol. I remember many years ago now, my friends were talking to their boys aged 12 and 14 about their uncle Phil. The parents could see that the boys were forming questions about uncle Phil but we're hesitant to ask. They assured the boys that they wouldn't get angry.

 Finally the older boy blurted out, "don't get me wrong, we love uncle Phil but.. but.. well we think uncle Phil is gay.. he's gay"! The parents smiled and said that they thought the same as well. They asked the boys what lead them to this conclusion and one of the things they listed, was how much uncle Phil liked flowers and growing flowers. That's when one of my friends said, "well Steve loves flowers and growing flowers and he's not gay"! Umm, ahem, oops tehehe, maybe kids are a lot smarter than they smell. I was no where near coming out at that time so I just kept quiet.

 Let's go outside!

 Jumping Jack's, these grow wild all over the garden and flower beds. They are a domestic flower but they are excellent at reseeding themselves, easy to transplant to any flower bed you want them, they have been growing here all my life.

Here is a better picture of the heritage roses, they hadn't been mangled by the beetles yet. Something happened to the bugs, many got hurt, muahaha! Still very different from today's rose. It makes me think of the first time I received flowers as a gift, I believe they were roses. They were given to me by my ex Dan, I remember feeling conflicted inside because flowers were traditionally given to women, I was a little embarrassed and my male ego, slightly insulted. I realized that I wasn't in a traditional relationship and would have to get used to this. I would eventually learn to love getting flowers and looked forward to getting them. Comical when I think back to how tightly wound I was. Now I would be happy to just receive any kind of flowers from someone :(   even a piece of lettuce would do these days. 

 My petunias are doing well again this year, they are my favorite flowers.

Hi Drangeas! How are you doing?

A Hydrangea flower, it grows on the north side and has been there most of my life.

I messed up my colour scheme, I should have put the darker leaf plants in the center and the green leaf plants out front.

Now, you have a test... can anyone name this next flower... what kind of plant is it? Jimmy? Anyone? Anyone?

Well if you can't guess no worries because it's a trick question, it's a potato plant, this is what their flowers look like. Funny thing about potato plant flowers, you can't sow potatoes too close to tomatoes because they are in the same plant family. If you do, the potato flowers will form something similar to small tomatoes but they are not edible.

 There, these are some of my flowers, but it's not gay to like flowers!!! Ok maybe it is but who cares anymore, it's only going to make me like a man more.. not less lol! As for uncle Phil, he came out of the closet, married a drag queen, one boy was best man, the other an usher at the wedding and everyone lived fabulously ever after! The end.

Lost for.. umm.. umm.. words!

 Where to start, well in my own personal Mr Bean episode, a task that should have been simple, in and out in minutes, has turned into an event... like it always does for me. It seems some careless person entered their data wrong while doing their taxes. They used my government numbers instead and of course the fix is never as easy as it was for some idiot to create the mess in the first place, so now I will have to make extra trips and be under extra stress. My life is a Mr Bean episode, my life is a Mr Bean episode, my life is a Mr Bean episode... and I'm getting tired of it.

 I was at a place of business, in a cubicle with someone trying to help me clear this up, when I became annoyed by a client in the cubicle next to me. He was one of those guys that likes to talk out loud, thinking that others are marveling at the wisdom he is spewing out. I don't understand if he is so clever, why doesn't he know how rude he is being.

 Turns out he is some kind of pastor in a church, although you would never know it from the filth that came from his mouth. Long story short, it was the typical evangelical type of thinking, going on and on about homosexuals, homeless people, how other religions are garbage, gossiping about people he worked with and on and on. I was livid by the time he left.

 The thing that I hate is, I become so angry that I'm at a complete loss for words. I feel like every word wants to come out at the exact same time, my mind goes blank and I can never think of something sarcastic to jab the person with, hopefully embarrass them, although he's probably too thick to be embarrassed. Driving to work later on, I have a whole string of things to say to him and I'm yelling them at my dashboard. I want to unleash on him and hopefully make him look like the stupid lump that he is. Near the end he even said that he is a fan of the dump, why was I not surprised at all. You could tell the woman helping him was embarrassed and keep steering him towards his reasons for being there.

 Driving in the car I was just getting angrier and angrier, why should I have to listen to that in a place of business or anywhere in public. People like that need to be told to shut up, they can say what they want at their family kkk meetings but out with regular humans, they need to stay quiet.

Every body sing, "heat wave"!

 We are having a heat wave but up until tonight I've been enjoying it... lol! Even with the humidity, I think my system was still shell shocked from last winter and finally started thawing out. It's supposed to move on tomorrow and things will get cooler. I don't have air conditioning but usually the house cools down at night, not tonight as it's still 80° Fahrenheit outside. Can't complain as we will start to have frost in another four to five weeks. What happened to July? This month just seemed to happen in a blink!

 I'm not online much but don't worry nothing is wrong, a major cell tower that covers my area has been down since Thursday and so I can only get limited internet access at night, during the day and evenings I'm completely blocked, it helps with keeping my usage down lol!

 When it's this warm, it's strange how people smell, not like the regular body odor smell when a person is active or didn't shower, it's more like when a big hairy dog gets wet, ewww lol! I'm going back to bed now, I can feel a cool breeze starting to blow in the windows, all this lying around doing nothing has made me exhausted.

I can't cook bacon! Aaahh!

 I have reached the conclusion that I can't cook bacon. There I admitted it! I'm a bacon cooking failure! As a man I'm so ashamed of this! I find that it seems to take too long and the second I take my eyes off it, the center burns while the ends are still too rubbery to eat. I tried cooking it yesterday on a low heat with the lid on, a little better but the center was almost over cooked. I wonder what it would be like baked in the oven? My neighbors make those perfect brown crispy strips like in the restaurants. I want mine to look like that.... help! Any tips? Bacon has been described to me as man candy, what they actually meant was straight man candy, it's delicious but I can only take a little, after a few pieces, I find it too salty, too greasy... even worse... past the lips and straight to the hips.. or in my case tummy.

 Today's mission, help Steven cook perfect-ish bacon, I want to invite some of my neighbors to a pancake, bacon breakfast but I don't want them to arrive hearing the sound of smoke detectors going off! Baaacon... mmmmm!

Sunshine & joy filled days.

  On Sunday I went to see mom, she had become so feeble the last couple of weeks I worry about her. However to my surprise, she has regained her strength back. I found her walking up and down the hallways at a good pace and no walker. When she saw me, she smiled and asked when did I arrive. I walked with her for awhile to encourage her to stay active. Then we sat down in the sitting room.

 Mom doesn't talk much anymore so I just sit with her, I know she is more comfortable when I'm around so we usually just sit together. While there I often people watch, I often wonder what sort of lives the other people had. One thing I really notice, of all the residents, there are only about seven men versus about twenty five women. I see the writing on the wall when it comes to the male and female lifespan ratio. I'm also learning that it's about quality of life, not quantity. I used to want to live forever, now  I see life can become, almost a punishment, like a sentence. Most of the people there are just existing, everything about them is gone, it's just that the body hasn't died yet.

 I was wondering about two of the elderly men this week, one I call "the professor" in my head. To me, he looks like a university professor, I imagine him teaching literature, reading poems etc. Unfortunately his memory is gone and he will most times just sit quiet, staring straight ahead. He speaks both english and french, interesting how the dementia doesn't affect that ability.

 There was another man sitting there across the room from us, I don't know him either but I was glad to see he no longer needed an oxygen mask, I always internally cheer on every little victory these elderly people have over their illnesses. I think he must have had a stroke, he is wheelchair bound and can no longer speak. I couldn't help notice how handsome he still is, even in his eighties, there is a boyish charm to him. I was thinking to myself that he must have been one fine looking man when he was younger.

 The sitting room faces the afternoon sun, it's a bright cheerful room and many of the elderly people like to relax at the end of the day there. The light seemed to focus on the gentleman across the room and suddenly I could see the young man he once was, it almost shocked me. It suddenly hit me, he is not an "elderly" man, he is a "man" whose body wore out. I suddenly had this image of him, a young man in his twenties with his friends at a beach, his life moments playing out, his first car, his first job and most importantly, his first love. He once joked and laughed and lived a full life until one day, the years added up and now he's here. He is all of us someday and that is frightening to me.

 After an hour I was thinking about leaving, the sun was getting ready to set, the light danced through the windows onto everyone. Suddenly the professor became alert and I heard him whisper "sunshine"? Then he said clearly to someone only he could see, "may sunshine and happiness fill all your days ahead, and I will see you again soon". It made me wonder if he was reliving a farewell to family or friends , had someone visited him earlier that day, was this a wish that he often used to make.

 I never say goodbye to mom, it upsets her. She will want to leave with me and I don't want to see the look on her face when I say she has to stay, like a child being left behind. I instead make some excuse to get up, basically I lie to her and say I need to use the restroom or check on something. She will say, "ok I'll wait for you here".  I know that a few seconds after I'm out of site, she will forget that I was even there. It's something I have to do but it kills me a little each time I do it... because I'm tricking her and taking advantage of her illness.

 As I get into my car, I can't help think about what lies ahead for me. I can't help thinking about what has happened to mom, about dad dying on us, about where I am in life. As I sat there, I heard that wish in my head again, "may sunshine and happiness fill all your days ahead". I suddenly felt it was ok to let everything go, no use worrying, I need to focus on the good moments, the bad times will come on their own no matter how much I worry or don't worry. When I came home, I invited a friend over for tea, catch up on local news, show off my garden, simple things but it clears out the mind.

Pretty old girl.

 Being generation number four at my place often comes with links to our past. Over a hundred years ago my great grandmother

 planted rose bushes. They are still blooming today, interesting enough since they are an old variety, they don't resemble anything like today's rose.

 We thought they had all died out until a few years back, we had cleared out some brush around the gardens and the sudden influx of light caused them to start blooming again. After that I started trying to restore them by cutting down any trees around them.

 The old world flowers have a new world problem, as soon as they bloom, hordes of Japanese beetles attack the petals. Some years there are also problems with bugs boring holes in the stems. Still they manage to spread around under the ground and a little rose tree pops up here and there in the area of the roots. It's amazing to think that I'm enjoying something a family member did long before even my parents were born, maybe even before my grandparents were born. They didn't have radio, telephones or even electricity and now her flowers are on the internet!

Everybody take cover!

 This year as far as summers go, has actually been nice for the most part. Not too many really hot humid days like the last couple of years. Mostly sunny days and very enjoyable. Also there have been some nice showers in the evenings to cool things off. Storms are also coming through and dropping the temperatures as well in the evenings. It's good this is happening as the last couple of years, it would be boiling hot, storms would blow through and it would stay hot, not normal for around here.

 The one drawback of this is we are getting powerful storms every four or five days in the evenings, wind damage, hail, some tornados, lighting. I hate storms, living in the country shows you first hand what they can do, from miner to major damage. Lightning and crazy winds make me very stressed, to the point of me sweating. They were calling for showers today but the humidity and temperature was high and so this afternoon a severe storm warning went out.

 A lot of dark clouds passed over with no rain or thunder. I was enjoying my time in the garden, the high winds were keeping the mosquitoes at bay, making it easier to work. Then the sky began to clear off and I was happy we missed the storms.

 I thought to myself... whew.. that's a relief. I was placing cages around my bush beans and pulling weeds. I love my garden, it relaxes me, most of all I really really love fresh home grown veggies. Crisp, crunchy and full of flavor. Wait... what's that rumbling sound and why is it getting dark all of a sudden?

 Oh sheep! O.O

 I FREAKING hate storms, especially these days when they all seem to be auditioning for a role in Armageddon!

Mother of Pearl! Oh Sheep! Oh Ship! Oh Sheet! Yeah.. no this can't be good! Red alert! Red alert! Abandon all sense of calmness and head for brother trucking cover! Frigging storms, hate'em! This one was a beach, it went on and on and on. The lighting was the worst I have seen in years. When lighting strikes nearby, the phone will ding, that doesn't happen often, it did that four times with this storm. It moved out really slow and even when the clouds were breaking, lighting still would strike close by.

Finally it moved away and the sky began to open. The temperature dropped thirteen degrees and the humidity was sent packing by a cool breeze.

 The sun set which will help keep things cool for the night, they are saying the worst is over.

I survived, the windows are all open now, to let the fresh air in and cool the house down for the evening. It's funny how nature can go from being so frightening one moment to a thing of such beauty the next.

Your cellphone suuucks!

 This evening when I came home, there was a message on my landline. Usually it's either not important like a telemarketer or it is very important and the person knows I will hear it for sure. However... for the love of Pete, if you're going to leave a message, make sure you have a good connection with a decent cellphone!

 Nothing worse than tonight's message, " Hi Steve, it's shzzzz burzz burzz, I'm here with dujjjugggge and if you coushzzshzz mamo nurma urp glomp I would appreciate zzzat, caw mm 613 7merff mupmup merfumfum ok? Thanks eeet aak aak.

 What the what??? Now they won't call back thinking that I will get a hold of them. With my luck I know for sure it's important. From the tone of voice it's someone who knows me but I can't place the voice and after tomorrow they will think I'm a little rude donkey's butt for not getting back to them. This will bug me all evening, fubbergunt!

Gasp! Oh the horror, THE HORROR!

 I can't believe this is happening again! It's been a long time but (clutching imaginary pearls) here I go again! This morning when I got up... I... I have... I have a pimple on my face! It's on my upper lip just below my nose, there's no hiding it unless I can grow a mustache in an hour... aaaah! What will all the kids at school say, there's that dance coming up, I will look hideous I tell you just hid-E-ous! I thought I was done with these! I'm never going to find the man of my dreams looking like I'm infectious! Why me, WHYYY MEEE? How's that for drama queen? :D

Freedom vs loss.

 It's interesting as we age, we often think back and can't understand why we made certain mistakes. The problem is we are looking at something in today's bubble, we arrived here while learning and experiencing life along the way. It's not really fair to judge our younger self who hasn't had those experiences yet.

 I was thinking back to a time when I first started wondering about coming out. I used to think that I would be secretly gay, out only to my closest friends and that one day when my parents were no longer around, I would be totally out. I imagined a total freedom of living a full gay life, happily ever after. What I didn't contemplate was the sense of loss and the feeling that a part of me was gone. The young man in the bubble at that time, couldn't grasp the feeling of not having them around. Even more importantly, he also couldn't grasp that having his parents around, wasn't really the issue of whether he would be fully out or not.

 My parents are gone now basically and I didn't gain freedom, I experienced loss instead. Even with them gone, I really suck at being gay. Sometimes I wonder if it would be a lot easier to have remained naive, thinking that staying in the closet was a success. Being that clueless was easier in some ways. I imagine myself on my deathbed thinking, "I did it! No one figured it out, I will die as a straight man".  I think however what would actually happen is that I would realize... I totally threw my life away and there are no second chances.

 I stop myself from going down that road, I remind myself of the good times. I think of dating Billy and dating Dan and those were some of my best life moments. Even being with my fwb, I learned from him. I don't regret one second spent with any of them, if I had a chance to do it over, I would. The only difference would be for me to do my part better. The three years with Dan, were my richest life experiences ever, to be able to find my way back there is my ultimate goal. It's just that I seem to have forgotten how to get there.

Ted.. you've hit bottom!

 Like many people, I enjoy the TED talks, one of the radio stations I listen to plays them on Sunday. Sometimes I watch video clips on YouTube. They have great speakers and a wide range of topics presented by experts in their field... or at least they used to.

 I often sat spellbound by presentations on space, time, evolution, human evolution, dark matter etc, etc. Some people are so brilliant and often there is mind blowing research going on that the average person has no idea about, the TED talks were bringing those fantastic ideas to the public... until now. Lately I have become disappointed by the TED talks, I think TED has either run out of good guests... or it's become a good product to sell on the radio market and he is just looking for content.

 The once expert speakers has become just some journalists that is researching a story or a person thinking about writing a book on a topic. An example is, a local radio host was on one week as a guest talking about racism. Now don't get me wrong, I actually like and respect this gentleman but who is he to speak on this subject. A white man raised in Ottawa Canada and I have never heard of him working on anything before regarding race relations, he's just good at speaking. Last week was a woman talking about losing a loved one, she wasn't a psychologist or psychiatrist, just someone who lost a family member. She was going on about making people use the words she wants to hear like "moving forward" and how you have to mentally take the dead person with you in life, blah blah blah and I suddenly felt like I have heard all that garbage before, that's the same mush we used to hear on the Oprah Winfrey show... ugh!

  This week it was about things like greed and being envious, leading I guess to how we can be better people, maybe hold hands and sing together while the host suddenly started shouting, "you get a car and you get a car and you get a car"! Awful, bring back the scientists, the geneticists, the physicists and all the other "trained" icists that you used to have before because right now I feel that I could do a Ted talk on what ever is popular and I shouldn't feel that way. Sorry TED but lately I think you're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Very pro snuggling!

 I was reading on line that gay people don't like cuddling or snuggling. Seriously... who writes this garbage, straight religious people or some bitter bar troll past their due date? I as a gay man declare that I love to cuddle, I love to snuggle. Nothing better on a Sunday morning after spending the weekend with a honey bunny, than having a little snuggle time together before getting up. Even better is when you are in a relationship with someone, that moment of intimate cuddling after having sex, it gives you that quiet connected feeling.

 Maybe some gay people don't like it but this one does! I guess it doesn't fit the image of two strangers meeting and hooking up. I find a little cuddle time recharges the batteries. Seriously, what's wrong with a little couch cuddle while watching tv or something like that. When I think back to my last relationship, that was one of the things I loved, we were always snuggled up while watching tv, listening to music or reading something, it was automatic. Now go hug someone... preferably someone you know and love... I don't want you in trouble! Lol

That sounds gay!

 Last night I was bothered by something and it's something that I shouldn't be worried about but I am. I sometimes make recordings of french phrases from a tape to my phone. It's a way to brush up on my language skills and keep from forgetting words. I then repeat the phrase and record myself saying it back in English and french.

 When I hear the playback, I always think, "geesh, is that what I really sound like"? When I am speaking I don't notice any difference from any other guy but when I hear my voice recorded... it sounds sooo gay! I half expect to hear myself start saying things like, "oh no you didn't gurlfriend" or "which one of you bitches borrowed my good heels". I know it's wrong but it bothers me. I wonder if people hear that when they talk to me. I have had gay friends say they suspected I was gay by my voice while others say no, they didn't hear it.

 I wonder what people who meet me for the first time think. On the flip side there are many straight guys at work that have a very stereotypical gay sounding voice, this makes me wonder however if this is something created by Hollywood? Maybe it got the best laughs to have a character with that type of voice, camp it up with some extra hand movements and then it stuck, just like every gay man is supposed to be a hairdresser or fashion designer. No way could he be a truck driver, lines man, football player or soldier. Fortunately society is starting to know better now and maybe as far as voices go, some guys have one type of voice while others have a different type of voice and it doesn't matter gay or straight.

 Anyway it shouldn't bother me what I sound like, not at this stage in life anyway, plus there's nothing I can do about it. I mean it would be silly of me to try and make recordings of myself using a deeper voice and pronouncing my words more masculine-ish... because that's a waste of time and doesn't work... and would be a little sad and maybe a little self-homophobic if I attempted to do something like that... alright, alright I tried it and it didn't work, there you happy now!

Dance of the Butterflies.

 Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, two butterflies landed on the outside doormat. I believe they are called White Admirals.

 It's exciting to see butterflies now because sadly for some reason they are all dying out. When I was a child, the lilacs and flowers would be covered in butterflies, now I am lucky to see one during the day. Some say it's due to pesticides but that's an easy and popular answer. There is something else going on as well I feel because in my surrounding area, it's mostly beef farms and organic vegetable farms, both of which don't use any pesticides. The topography doesn't allow large cash crop farms around here.

 I suddenly noticed that they seemed to be doing some kind of "dance", I was not aware that butterflies did this. I don't know if it was a male and female doing a mating dance or two males doing a "this is my territory bud" dance. They would hold their wings down together and then slowly bring them up together. Sometimes they would turn their backs towards each other for maximum display effect.

Even if the cat startled them away, in a few minutes they would return and start all over, it was beautiful on a mini scale. Sorry the lighting is not good and I had to stay inside or they would take off. This is one of those country moments that I love, there is so much beauty around us that most people never see.

Sweet July!

 One of the things about July first (Canada day) is that it also signals the beginning of strawberry season around here. The real strawberries, red all the way through, juicy with tons of that strawberry flavor! I love fresh strawberries, I'm actually not a fan of them most other ways. Mom used to make something called "freezer jam" and it was pretty good. Like the name says, it was a jam but you had to store it in the freezer. When you needed jam, take it out of the freezer, let thaw and you had that fresh strawberry taste in the middle of winter. It was also good on vanilla ice cream or plain frozen yogurt.

 Tonight I couldn't stop eating them. I guess that I'm really going to have the "runs"  tomorrow... sorry TMI.

I want to make a cool dessert with whipped cream or something along those lines and freeze the rest. We used to grow our own strawberries, they are not that difficult to grow but there are a few tricks to it. At the time strawberries were so inexpensive that we stopped growing them and just bought what we needed. Big mistake... berries became really popular with millennials and prices went way up.

 When I was a child, there were so many wild strawberries that we usually didn't buy them, we just picked them in the fields. They are a lot smaller than the domestic version but have a lot of taste. We used to get small pails full of them, now I'm not sure what has happened, I see the wild plants growing but it's rare to find fruit on them.

 I love fresh fruit, it's so hard to get these days, everything is always picked too early and has no flavor or is dry. A coworker came back from a trip and brought fresh ripe mango, wow was that ever good, mango already tastes good but I never had it that good before, it was like sex for my taste buds!

No peeking... maybe.

 Old habits die hard I guess but it's funny how growing up in a straight world will shape a gay person. I happen to click on a blog and there were pictures of nude men, big grins on their faces, displaying the goods. My first reaction is to look away or be startled. Years of "training" still to this day will kick in, a picture of a naked man is bad, weird... even gross. Unlike a picture of a naked woman, that's totally normal and just part of life.  Especially when only men are around, then you can even display them, actually you become the weirdo if you have a problem with it.

 I still for a split second have to tell myself, "it's ok to look, you're gay, the guy wants you to look, that's why he posed for the pictures". I feel like I'm invading his privacy, like I'm doing something wrong. It only lasts now for a nano second but it's still there.

 Mowing the lawn on Monday I was doing some deep thinking, it's a good time to deep think, the job is mundane, I have ear plugs in and fortunately I have a riding mower. The thought suddenly occurred to me, "geepers" how crazy is this whole straight-gay thing! From being bullied to the places where people are killed for being gay. I'm defined as a homosexual, I hate that label. I'm just a guy named Steven, I'm not "a homosexual". I do all the same day to day crap as most people and just because of who I love or how I want to have sex, then I have to be placed in a different category from most other people, even looked at as a second class human by some. I'm not homosexually mowing the lawn, feeding the cat or going to work. I'm not different from other people and yet I am; however everybody is different in their own unique way. How did one little thing turn us into these monsters lurking in the shadows.

Back in the closet?

 This long weekend, I did a little closet cleaning out. Some was mom's stuff from her room, many items are out of date and too small for her now. Mostly this time it's my stuff, I can't throw out clothes, especially comfortable clothes, it's one of my weaknesses. The great thing about living on a farm is that when a shirt, coat, sweater or comfy pair of jeans becomes worn looking but not actually worn out, you can use them around the farm. The bad thing is they can be around for years.

 The oldest piece of clothing I have is a sweatshirt that was given to me for Christmas when I was fifteen. Mom actually gave me two and she got them in a man's small because she figured I would grow into them. I did grow into them but never grew out of them. Last year one of the shirts disintegrated so I finally threw it out. The one I have left, I like to sleep in when the nights are cold. The shirt is worn so thin you can see a tissue through it. Lol.

As I write this, I realize that I am wearing the second pair of jogging pants that I owned, which I bought myself back when I was nineteen or twenty. The material is also paper thin on the legs but oh so, so comfortable. ;)

 I tossed anything that I didn't like to wear, there are certain shirts that just never feel comfortable. This results in me wearing them less and less, so why bother keeping them. I tossed old shirts of dad's, he had some nice dress shirts and work shirts but they have already earned their keep, time to go. I tossed one old flannel shirt of his, it was made for Sears. I still can't believe that company is gone and sadly I heard it was completely due to bad management here in Canada. There are so many memories of buying gifts for mother's day, father's day, birthdays and Christmas gifts at that store.

  This shirt was well used, first by Dad and then by me. Getting the extra use out of them makes me feel like I'm recycling the clothes in my own way. Some also make good rags to wipe windows etc but I don't want to start sounding like Martha Stewart. The problem is that I need decent looking clothes for work and I can't keep hoarding the old ones, so I have to donate what I can and throw out the rest. Except the sweatshirt, after all these years it's just getting broken in! :D

Canada day! Canada deh!

 Happy Canada Day! Yeah... extra sweet to be on a sunny Monday morning! Today is supposed to be a gorgeous day so I'm going to take in some of the local festivities. I bought myself a hideous shirt for the day, it looks like Canada day threw up on me, hahaha!

 Just to educate you a little on Canada, here are some fun facts about Canada.

1) Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world's lakes combined.

2) Canada consumes more macaroni and cheese than any other country.

3) Residents of Churchill Canada, leave their car doors unlocked as an escape route for people from attacking polar bears.

4) Canada has the longest coastline.

5) Canada is the most educated country, over half of Canadians have a college degree.

6) Prostitution is legal in Canada but buying the services of a prostitute is illegal.

7) The Canadian province of Quebec produces most of the world's maple syrup, up to 77%.

8) Marijuana is a legal substance in Canada now but has some restrictions similar to alcohol.

9) Hockey is probably the most popular sport in Canada but it's actually not our national sport, lacrosse is; however most Canadians probably don't know that either.

10) This one is for LGBTQ community, the westboro baptist church and its members are banned from entering Canada!

 Happy Canada day to any other canucks reading this and to the others, come for a visit why don't ya... eh?