Saturday, June 29, 2019
Today I'm feeling very unplugged, it's a day for me to mope around. Yesterday as I was about to arrive for work, I received a call that mom's heart rate had fallen to dangerous levels. The nurse asked me what did I want to do, she said at that rate she could have a heart attack. We try not to have mom subjected to tests and procedures anymore, there is no point in major operations etc, we try to just keep her happy and comfortable. I wasn't ready to let her go, I couldn't say keep her comfortable and have her die because of my decision, that would be too heavy of a burden to carry for the rest of my life, so I told them to send her to emergency and I would meet them there.
I was just dropping something off at my bank before work and feeling slightly shook up, there I am, standing in line after making a life and death decision and silently saying to myself, "don't cry in line, don't cry in line, don't cry in line"! That's nuts but so is life.
I made it to the hospital, mom looked very weak; however all her vital signs soon returned to normal. I spent the day with her as they did every test possible. They have an idea of what it could be but she has to have another test to be sure. She is back at the home now resting, they can look after her better there.
The decisions I often have to make regarding mom weigh heavily on my mind. I try to do my best and I also try to think of what she would want. It's torture to see her lying there, confused, anxious and wanting to leave. I have to keep tucking her in and assuring her that everything is going to be alright. I have become the parent now and mom is the frightened child.
Today is also a sad day for me, ten years ago today I saw my dad alive for the last time. I told the story before about how I was taking care of him, my sister came home to give me a break so that I could go and have my car repaired in the city. The next day when I arrived home, he had died about two hours earlier, I didn't get to say goodbye. I will probably blog about it again tomorrow, it's crazy how it doesn't feel like ten years has passed. It feels like a blink of an eye... compared to when we are ten years old and then eons later we are twenty years old.
I feel completely drained today, I have no energy, like someone pulled my plug out, "eeeeaarrr" energy powering down. I tried to work outside a little but a sudden storm came up and crashed around all afternoon, that sure didn't perk me up. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.