Saturday, June 29, 2019
Today I'm feeling very unplugged, it's a day for me to mope around. Yesterday as I was about to arrive for work, I received a call that mom's heart rate had fallen to dangerous levels. The nurse asked me what did I want to do, she said at that rate she could have a heart attack. We try not to have mom subjected to tests and procedures anymore, there is no point in major operations etc, we try to just keep her happy and comfortable. I wasn't ready to let her go, I couldn't say keep her comfortable and have her die because of my decision, that would be too heavy of a burden to carry for the rest of my life, so I told them to send her to emergency and I would meet them there.
I was just dropping something off at my bank before work and feeling slightly shook up, there I am, standing in line after making a life and death decision and silently saying to myself, "don't cry in line, don't cry in line, don't cry in line"! That's nuts but so is life.
I made it to the hospital, mom looked very weak; however all her vital signs soon returned to normal. I spent the day with her as they did every test possible. They have an idea of what it could be but she has to have another test to be sure. She is back at the home now resting, they can look after her better there.
The decisions I often have to make regarding mom weigh heavily on my mind. I try to do my best and I also try to think of what she would want. It's torture to see her lying there, confused, anxious and wanting to leave. I have to keep tucking her in and assuring her that everything is going to be alright. I have become the parent now and mom is the frightened child.
Today is also a sad day for me, ten years ago today I saw my dad alive for the last time. I told the story before about how I was taking care of him, my sister came home to give me a break so that I could go and have my car repaired in the city. The next day when I arrived home, he had died about two hours earlier, I didn't get to say goodbye. I will probably blog about it again tomorrow, it's crazy how it doesn't feel like ten years has passed. It feels like a blink of an eye... compared to when we are ten years old and then eons later we are twenty years old.
I feel completely drained today, I have no energy, like someone pulled my plug out, "eeeeaarrr" energy powering down. I tried to work outside a little but a sudden storm came up and crashed around all afternoon, that sure didn't perk me up. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Posted by Sooo-this-is-me at 9:25 PM
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Steven from what I have read over the past few years you have always done what is best for your mom and any decision you make will be made with love and caring.
Willym, thank you for that extremely kind assurance, most days I feel guilty about every decision I make regarding mom. It's wrong of me but I also look back over past decisions and see my mistakes but it really is a learning experience and I have to allow myself to understand that.
Hugs to you on such a difficult day. One of the worst days of my life is when I signed the papers in the doctor's office consenting to have my Mom enter palliative care at the nursing home. I did what had to be done but it was like a knife in my heart.
I am not surprised you are out of energy today. You are carrying quite a burden. As usual, Willym is correct.
Do you have a sense of what threshold your mother's condition would have to cross for you to be comfortable not sending her to emergency? Are you and your sister on the same page about this? It is gruesome to discuss such things, but having clear criteria would mean that you do not need to feel the entire burden on your shoulders.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you too.
It's hard watching a parent in failing health, but just being there makes a huge difference, for both you and your mom.
And you will know what to do when the time comes.
Debra, I am constantly signing papers about levels of care that are a knife to the heart so I understand what you mean.
Lurker, I had the pleasure of meeting Willym.
My sister and I discuss these things and are on the same page. Anything major like open heart surgery or cancer treatments we know that mom probably wouldn't survive and wouldn't understand what is happening so we agreed on those, also no major interference, as in she died of a heart attack then no one would be pounding on her to bring her back, she even said that herself before she completely lost her thinking abilities. Those types of situations are easy, something like a pacemaker is a simple procedure so we agreed to have that done if needed. If she died during a simple procedure, there would be no reason for guilt as we were trying to help. We play these out over and over in our heads. Gruesome is a perfect description.
Bob, yes it's very hard watching a parent fading away. We can't help remembering all the times when mom would be the one to comfort us, sometimes I feel this is my way of thanking her.
Today will be a better day. Sometimes you just have to accept how you are feeling. I know it's not easy but you will have the strength to forge on.
Sweetie, I'm sorry about your mom but it would be a good idea to have a good sit down talk with your sister to see how she feels about possibly a DNR(do not resuscitate) Order for your mom in the future. Your mom deserves to die with dignity and not have tubes and drugs and people trying to bring her back from the brink of death. Just talk, don't fight with each other about it and see what calm voices can agree on in the matter. All I'm trying to say is that the ones left to care for elderly parents, usually the siblings, should talk and not fight about what to do. Just try to come up with something you both agree on and think of what your mom would want too.
Look after yourself. Supporting your mother’s care must be both physically and mentally exhausting. Anniversaries also take their toll.
I'm feeling better today. Even though.... it was supposed to be sunny but instead it's been raining all day like the last four days.... grrrrr!
Leanna, yes we have a dnr form, mom wanted that herself back in her more clear days. The problem comes with something called a level of care form, we sometimes have to figure out how far we go and decide between comfort and life while keeping her dignity. These discussions are always on going.
JP, they do take their toll. I also over think everything, I can't let stuff go.
Willym gave you sound advice. What ever decisions you make, you are doing it in your mother's best interest. Don't second guess yourself. And you have a right to have a meh day.
Michael, you made me laugh, I have heard of "me" days but never a "meh" day.
Yes, I am aware you met Willym. Why don't you rub it in? Tell us how you met Laurent and Dr Spo too. Tell us how you are going to Miami to meet Walter and then to New Hope to party with Maddie. We never tire of hearing of your social visits to all the fabulous bloggers, knowing we will not meet a single one.
Also; those level of care gradients sound awful. I hope you can trust that you are doing the best you can.
Lurker, well anyone can meet another blogger but you can't do it when you are in hiding ;p
If I get to meet Walter it's going to be during winter months lol. I'm always hesitant about meeting other bloggers because they will soon realize how boring I actually am, that's why I'm always on here. Wha-wha-waaa.
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