Dear Subconscious, I Hate You!

 Sometimes people talk about the subconscious part of our mind as if it were almost a different person from us. I feel that way most times, I am not familiar with any of the theories or workings regarding the subconscious mind but I often feel like there is another person inside working against me. Basically my subconscious mind is a prick! The little bastard usually likes to get me while sleeping.

 Over my entire life, I have almost never had an erotic dream. Yes I did have a lot of those "messy" dreams as a younger man (a lot) but in those dreams I was always alone doing what I did in real life when alone and feeling aroused. I never got to have the dreams I hear others talk about. Imagine my surprise to find myself dreaming last night that I was young again, early twenties. I was staying at a youth hostel (which never happened) and we were all sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags, again this never happened, this was my mind totally making something up. Most of the young people had either gone off on a morning hike or were eating breakfast.

 There was a young guy sleeping next to me, we had hit it off the night before. He was there with friends, they all seemed straight. He was a bit of a rogue and very good looking. He suddenly became playful and I sent him the right signals, he rolled over under my blankets, positioning himself gently on top of me and things got heavy. It was so real, his warm breath, his soft kiss, the erotic sent of his body, his strong embrace, oh wow.

 Unlike the usual torture my mind likes to play, I didn't wake up, nobody suddenly ran in to stop us, we were not attacked by aliens. Halfway through I went into the bathroom to get something and when I returned my lover was still there, lying nude across the blankets. However.... and I have no idea where the hhhh this came from, but he was doing something so disgusting that it made me start to gag, at first in the dream and then in real life. I woke up so ticked off. What the fluff was that about, am I supposed to learn something from this, couldn't I just for once have a really cool dream like other people. Life is bad enough at times and I certainly don't need myself to add to that. This is not new however, I have always hated my dreams, they have always been torturing, I guess that says something about me but I don't really know what. Way to go subconscious Steve, you jerk! Ruined another good dream.

Reaching out.

 Yesterday I had to go into the city for tax related purposes, it didn't take too long and soon I was on my way home again. I happened to pass by an arena that reminded me of my friend Eric, the straight guy that I first came out to. We had gone shopping together nearby and it made me think about him. I have been thinking a lot about him lately and I often meant to call him. We had actually been getting close, probably as close to another guy as I ever got. The friendship became even stronger after I came out to him, because now I had a male friend who knew the whole me and still wanted to be friends. Everything changed when I started dating, there was less time for him unfortunately, then dad got sick, then I moved away, then mom got sick, then life happened.

 I tried to keep in touch but eventually we drifted and to be honest, it was mostly my fault.  I really missed the guy, sometimes I don't know what was wrong with me, why I let that friendship go. As I was driving home I was about to pass the highway that leads to his town, when that little voice in the back of my mind said, "let's go visit Eric"! It was after two in the afternoon so I wouldn't be interrupting lunch and if he had guests I could just keep on driving.

 Things looked different, it's probably been nine
years since I was at his place. I recognized the landscape of all things. I knocked and his wife answered. He was so glad to see me,  he hasn't changed much, a little grey up top. I joked that I was hoping he was bald and fat so that I could tease him. He is one of those friends that you may not see for a while but you just click so well with, that it feels like last week since you saw each other. We exchanged new stories to get caught up, we laughed at old stories, we get each other's humour or should I say "lack" of humour. I didn't want to impose too much since I had just dropped in unannounced but he kept asking me to stay a little longer. He was actually a little excited to see me I think. When we were finally saying our last goodbyes, I said "I kinda miss you" and he said, "well don't stay away so long"! That's what I like about being gay, I can say I miss you or I love you and people don't panic, I guess they feel there might be a hidden agenda if a straight guy says it.

 Step one, reach out to an old friend, step two, after positive result don't be a dumbass and lose it again, step three, hang on like a mouse trap! It's a little strange but I am starting to think some people actually like me.

ABBA returns? Squeeeeeal!

 Not that long ago (ok it was long ago but my blog, my rules) when I was a little boy, I went on a long drive with my dad to go look at cattle he was thinking of buying. I was having guy time with my dad, very important to a little gay kid, just me and my dad, with no attention hogging older sister around to show me up. On our way back home as part of our big adventure we stopped into a restaurant for supper, where I probably got a hamburger and orange crush because when ever I ate out, that's what I wanted. While sitting there eating, an old fashion jukebox with the dome shape lights was playing music. If you are too young to know what a jukebox is, I hate you, go away never to return to this blog again. It's like a giant Walkman, if you don't know what a Walkman was, I hate you, go away never to......

 The jukebox played music on its own or you could put a quarter into it for a song you wanted to hear. While sitting there everything went silent, then as if from a distance, this absolutely beautiful song began to softly form in the air, it was Fernando by ABBA, the first time I heard an ABBA song, I half expected to see angels appear. As a little kid, I was spellbound by the beauty. My dad said to me something along the lines of, "that's a pretty song". Somewhere deep inside of me, my baby gay DNA went, "ahhh, we have been stimulated, activate endorphins". A few nights later we were watching a variety show, and they were introducing a band that was trying to break into the North American market. I heard the beautiful song starting again, I sat down and was dumbstruck as four of the most beautiful, tall blonde Swedish people I had ever seen came out and started singing, (they were all blonde at this time), they not only sounded like angels to me, they looked like them as well. Again my baby gay DNA was awakened, "activate pop group imprinting for life long devotion"! Thus started my love of all things ABBA, yes it wasn't cool but I couldn't hide it. I think in my teen years, it was almost as bad to like ABBA as it was to be gay.

 Imagine then when I heard that ABBA is about to release two more songs after 35 years. I try to be reasonable about it and wonder if they haven't gone senile. However that little boy from years ago is squealing with absolute delight in my head so I am not going to ruin it for him. I hope the songs are completely typical for ABBA, we could really use a good ABBA song lately. I hope it has that signature foot tapping, emotion building, pop filled chorus like all the old songs did. I hope it causes those happy, happy feelings! La la la.

Little Steven: "now can I"?
Older Steven: "alright go ahead".
Little Steven: "new ABBA songs, shrieeeek"!

Formula, 2Gay 4Me?

 Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, actually not sometimes, most times. I moan and whine about not meeting other gay people and then not only do I "not" go and meet people, I turn away a chance to meet people. I need gay therapy!

 Take for example when I went to see the gay film Love Simon, I was sitting there thinking I will be able to check out the "herd". It was very possible that there would be another one or two guys there just like me, watching it alone because most of their friends are straight or lesbians. I was a little early and so I got to watch people as they came in. Typical of Steven, the crowd began to file in and it was mostly middle aged women. There were some teenage girls, a few uncomfortable husbands that were dragged there by their wives, some daughters who brought their mothers, the usual life moments that make me feel like there is a giant conspiracy against me. Finally a gay couple came in, a little younger than me, they sat behind me, a little to my right. No joking I could smell bad breath coming from one of them, so I knew I wouldn't be trying to chat with them after. The lights went down and a few more people came in.

 After the movie was over I waited a little and left. Now here comes my smooth move on how not to make friends. As I was leaving there was a single guy walking out as well. Tall with average looks and about my age. I felt he was trying to keep an even pace with me, I saw him look over at me a few times as if going to say something. If I had stopped, if I spoke to him I know a conversation would have begun. I didn't because I pre-judged him, I never gave him a chance. I found him too well dressed, not like he was going out to the Royal Ball after but too gay style-ish. I felt he probably put too much effort into appearances. The way he dressed made me think a little of a cross between a futuristic space suit and a gay vampire. I know that sounds harsh but that was the vibe I received. I kept ignoring him and wouldn't slow down to give him any opportunity to speak to me.

 When I got home I realized what a dumb move that was. Maybe he was just a nice guy with a different sense of fashion. He may have been creepy but I will never know because I wouldn't give him a chance. Even if we became friends and nothing came of our relationship, maybe he knows someone who would be a better fit for me. It wouldn't have hurt to speak with him, if he came on to me in an inappropriate way, I could have just said no thanks and zoomed out of there. Maybe he could have become a really good friend, who suddenly realized that he feels empty when I am not around and one day nervously asks me out. I will never know because as usual I didn't ruin my chance, I sabotaged it.

Who did you tell first?

 I was reading about people's experiences with coming out and how much things have changed over the years. That of course depends on where you live, some places it's still dangerous to be LGBTQ but I mean western countries mostly.

 The latest coming out story I know of personally happened to my friend's nephew. My friend started to realize that her nephew was probably gay. She was a little worried because his parents were her older sister and husband. They came from another country, another culture and religious background so she wasn't sure about a reaction. He and his older brother were really good kids and never gave their parents any trouble. When the younger boy turned fifteen, he started to cry one day and told his parents that he is gay. The parents told him to get out and never come back.... actually that would have made for a good movie but what actually happened was the parents told him to stop crying, that he was the best behaved son anyone could ask for, that they love him and will support him and not to worry. He was afraid to tell his older brother, he was very much a typical straight man, into sports, cars, sports, women, sports, university and sports at his university. Although he loved his little brother, he was sometimes stricter with him than the parents. The mother and father decided to tell the older son, when he found out, he pounded his first on the table and said "he's dead to me" ....... that also would look good as a movie scene but here is what really happened. The parents told the older brother, he started to cry and said if anyone touches his little brother he would break their..... well you get the idea, a straight young man's way of saying that he loves and supports his little brother. Later the younger boy wanted to get into designs, fashion etc and the parents gave him their full support.

There are happy endings now, it's important that we hear about them. It also shows how important it is that parents be supportive. He is now a vibrant young man in a relationship and exceeding in his career path. Everyone is excited when he is home to visit, he is allowed to be himself and that let his personality flourish. Compare that to what could have happened if they tried to change him, reject him and not support his dream, the results would have been pain, suffering and distance from each other.


 This had me thinking about the first time I told someone that I'm gay. Not counting my first boyfriend, that doesn't count lol. There is an old post about it here somewhere. It was a straight male friend, I was getting to the point of being ready to tell someone. He asked me one day, I knew I could trust him, it was my moment so I closed my eyes for what seemed like an hour and said yes, yes I am. That was my first step out. I never thought the first person I was going to tell would be a straight guy. It was a really good experience, he was so good to me after. Some people I know, decided to come out to the friend with the least open mind, not sure why, I suspect deep down they wanted all the drama that followed. That certainly wasn't me, I wanted my coming out to go smoothly, I hate drama.

 Who was the first person you ever told and what was the reaction like? First boyfriends or some guy you were having sex with from the sixth grade doesn't count. Maybe you never really came out, maybe you just started living a gay life and people just suddenly clued in, that is common as well.

That's me.

 I was shopping for a husband on line and I came across a description that made me laugh. The guy said that he wasn't over weight but didn't work out either, he said that he is "doughy" and the rest of the ad was quite comical as well. Nobody however will answer him because he was telling the truth and that is forbidden in gay land. That describes me, especially after winter, I'm very thin but as I age I am getting doughy from not keeping in shape. One of the head engineers asked if I was forty, that made me feel good, I said that I'm a little passed that mark.

 The local paper started a free section for dating, I kept thinking about placing an ad, you only need to give an email address so I could stay on the down-low. This week I was beat to the finish line, a gay man advertised looking to meet someone. Now before you all start weeping with joy and clutching your pearls, he is a young man looking for a young man. Worse still, he wants someone to go mountain biking, hiking, climbing, camping, canoeing, surfing. No.... that's not me, I needed a nap after reading that ad. Sounds fantastic in theory and wouldn't we all love to watch two sweaty masculine guys breeding in the woods but that is what porn is for.

 I think if I am being honest, I should advertise for a guy who thinks hiking is fun (in theory) but we accidentally miss out on the hiking because we get hung up at the garage sales on our way to the country. That the smell of fresh air is from the bakery we stop at on the way back. I hope the only climbing we do is onto the couch so that we can snuggle up while watching "This Is Us", the bonding will be the two of us trying not to cry in front of each other. No surfing, snowboarding, skiing or anything else sliding out from under my feet. I don't do any of these things now, why should I look for someone who is addicted to them. On a serious note, I would like to have someone to be more active with, just for a healthier lifestyle.

 A little cultured is nice but not too much of a museum nerd. Relaxing at home is good but dressing up every now and again to go out for an evening is fun, it's uplifting. He can be doughy too, he can be balding, he can be shorter than me, older than me, darker than me (everyone is darker than me) but he has to be nice, friendly and being a little funny helps a lot as well. He can play sports as long as it's ok with him that I don't, plus also I get to see him wear his jock every now and again.

Swinging, weee!

Today I wore boxers, that's the first time I ever wore boxers to work on purpose, sometimes I wear them to sleep or around the house but never to work. I may have worn some when my boxer briefs were all in the laundry. It was a very freeing experience, just letting everything hang naturally, very comfortable. It wasn't that cold today so a lot of swinging was happening. I just got a new pair, seems to be a new habit for me to get into.

The Land of Hairdressers.

 When I was just a little boy, sometimes my mom would take me on a bus to the city. We would stay in the downtown area while she ran errands. Mom loved the city, all my life she lamented about moving back to the country after marrying my father. One errand was to get her hair done. Yesterday's post was about getting a haircut and it reminded me of an innocent question I had for mom one evening after her hair appointment. She liked to get pampered as well, she would always go to some of the nicer salons.

 I was a very good kid, I would sit quiet until she finished. I hated going there however and not just because it was boring. I noticed mostly men worked there, few women. These men were not like the barbers where my dad and I got our hair cut, I found them annoying. They would go on and on about how they absolutely loved my red hair, how they would just die to have my colour, how "gorgeous" it looked. I found them slimy to be honest, like over friendly cats.

 Later one night after we got home, I asked mom where do most hairdressers come from. Living in the country I noticed strange accents right away. She said that she didn't understand my question, that they grew up in Canada. I asked if that's true, then why do they all talk "that way". She still didn't get it but my dad did. I said they must come from somewhere because they talk funny and they all sound the same, "oh thay Theven you are jussst thimply the thweetest little boy ever and I thimply jussst love your red curlsss". Dad looked at mom with a smirk, mom was smirking too, I had no clue why but I knew it was one of those times when parents pretend not to know an answer when they actually do. I let it drop because I knew I was getting nowhere.

  Ironically now I know what language they were speaking and I am fluent in it as well. Out of the mouths of children, my baby gaydar could detect a gay man before I even knew what a gay man even was! Not bad for a little kid who just had his first homophobic moment, lol.

Hair Cut.

I like to get my hair cut, I like that it makes me look younger, sharper, clean cut. I like the pampered feeling of having it done. I go to a barbershop in the city. Sometimes there is a tall pleasant man, meditation-ish looking. I love the way he takes care of his customers. He is one of those people who gives me chills when he touches me. It's the gentle way he will turn my head, move it up or down by caressing my chin. Stroking my hair to make sure it's the right lengths, his soft gentle tone when he speaks to me, after a few minutes I almost feel like he is hypnotizing me. Tonight there was a new man working with the others. I thought he did a good job as well. He was very focused on his task and it makes me feel good when they give me one hundred percent of their attention.

 I think I like it because of the human touch as well. I miss not having someone to touch, cuddle or hug, I think people need that to stay healthy. Some of my friends have told me I should try getting a massage, that's different to me. I don't have a problem with someone getting a massage but it's not for me. I joke that I don't like a stranger in my space, I certainly don't want one to rub their hands all over me. I didn't even enjoy getting a massage from my boyfriend, I don't know what it is but I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

 Almost finished, then he trims everything up with a razor blade, the old fashioned kind, I don't like those, they creep out. He wipes me down and applies an after shave, it feels cool but burns a little, every single time I get the image in my head of Macaulay Culkin screaming into the mirror from the Home Alone movie. I get brushed off and I am on my way, I feel good.

When Did You Know?

 Lately I have heard the question repeated, "when did you know" referring to when did you realize that you're gay. It's fascinating to me when I hear all the different answers. Myself, I realized very early in life that I was gay, many people assume that maybe I am confused about my sexuality because I am not that socially active regarding a gay lifestyle, not true but I was hoping it would go away if I ignored it long enough. Just to be clear in case a younger person reads this, that doesn't work!

 I can remember clearly the exact moment I realized I was gay and how much it frightened me. I was around thirteen going on fourteen, I knew something wasn't normal with my thinking compared to my friends. Many nights, actually every night when I would be waiting to fall asleep, I would be fantasizing about my friends. I wondered what they would look like naked, do they get erections too, do they think about sex as much as I do? I had all these scenarios in my head where we would have to undress together, my male teachers were not immune, in my mind the handsome ones would strip down to show me what a mature man looked like nude, then they would show me masturbation secrets only an older man could know and pass on.

 I used to try to think about girls, I would tell myself I better stop thinking about boys before I became unable to stop; however I would find that my mind always drifted back to boys and men. I would try to make a deal with myself, I would say, "tonight I will think about boys only, this way I will get it out of my system but starting tomorrow night I will never think about guys in a sexual way again". Next night however it was a lost cause, I would try to do a reset. I remember one night I was really stressed about this and said to myself, "why can't I stop thinking about guys"? That's when the realization hit me, "OH NO! I'm GAY"! I think there was even that voice in the back of my mind saying I couldn't stop, "because you are gay"!

 I remember sitting bolt upright in bed, I felt like I was gasping for air, I was about to cry and call out for mom and dad... but I stopped.... because what could I say. I find that moment sad because homophobia separates children from their parents when they need assurance. At that time in history you couldn't be gay, at least not in my area, such a burden for a child to carry, no wonder so many of us seem damaged. I felt after that I probably was in denial for a long time. As an adult now I think I just didn't understand back then, after all gays were really bad people who were doing it for attention, this was something different, this was something ingrained into my very core. I couldn't believe it, I was the very thing that every guy hated more than anything else, this was catastrophic!

 I assumed it was the same for everyone but later I would find out that was not true. My first boyfriend thought he was bisexual, only after dating guys did he realize that he is gay. My second boyfriend had no clue until he was thirty. He had an extremely low sex drive so never really thought about sexuality until he became friends with a gay man. Another friend who came out later in life knew in his late teens. Most of my lesbian friends said they didn't figure out what was wrong until they were in their twenties. They had boyfriends and liked them but they all said it was like hanging out with a brother or favorite cousin. A bisexual friend said he didn't think anything about it. He thought everyone had the same thoughts as him just that you were expected to marry a woman and not be with a guy. After he started having children his wife no longer wanted to have sex. He said one day a friend revealed that he was bisexual too. He said to this day he doesn't know what happened but that within twenty minutes of finding out they were having sex. After he realized that he likes being with men more, he got divorced and mostly sees guys but sometimes women as well.

 What about you, when did you know?

Where's "There", I Want to be There.

 Where is "there", I don't want to be "here", I want to be "there". I sometimes get a feeling of being in the wrong place, I'm on straight earth and I need to get back to gay earth. It happened this week and the trigger was watching Love Simon, I enjoyed the movie and was almost on a high coming out of the theater. However that night I was really down, the film brought back a lot of memories about growing up, a little gay kid with the hatred of the world on his shoulders. It also made me think about lost time, lost relationships, things in life we don't get to do over. I wanted to crawl into the movie, just live there, happy with all the gay positive people and be young again, only this time I would live my life right.

 I have also been enjoying getting to know some of you lately, allowing me to stay in gay land, we can talk about relationships, about men, about gay men. I hang on every word, I feel excited to see an email because I don't have to return to that "other" world, the straight world or real world as I am beginning to feel.

 I was getting ready for bed and turned the channel only to discover the movie "Breakfast with Scot" (one T), a cute movie about a gay couple who suddenly find themselves looking after a kid. I can remain in my gay world for a little while longer and get lost in the film. The movie has a good twist, the couple are not stereotypical gay men, one is a former professional hockey player, he is embarrassed by anyone finding out. The boy however is a very fabulous queen in the making and it's so awkward as the gay dad tries to teach the boy to hide who he is and try to act straight.

 The movie reminded me of my own obsessive, self hating homophobia that I went through and the little white lies that I was constantly telling to cover my tracks. I didn't realise how much the movie affected me until that night. I had this crazy dream that I went to see a female escort, in the dream I was much younger, I was going to have sex with her to show that I was straight. She put her toes up to my mouth to kiss and I stopped her and confessed to being gay. I was disgusted by the thought of touching a woman and couldn't go through with it. I tried to pay her for her time but she said no, that she understood. Very bizarre, I hated having those feelings again.

 The next morning however; because I had been immersed in a gay movie again, I feel left behind, where did all these gay people go, they forgot me here. I want to go with them, the place where all their neighbours and friends seem to be mostly gay. I go on line to try to find somewhere to meet people but everything seems to have an agenda towards sex only, including a bunch of ads showing nude women, men wanting to talk about women with other men. I turn off the phone in frustration, straight guys are taking over our gay sites as well now?

There must be a gay place, I want to go there, I want to be with my people, I don't want to be here.... alone.

Timmy's in the well?

 I have come to the conclusion that cats have a lot more personality than we think. Probably most of us had a dog at the same time as we had a cat and being a pack animal the dog tends to overshadow the cat. I don't have a dog for two reasons, one my long days at work would be lonely for a dog and two, I am never really sure what my future holds so it's not fair to bring a dog into my uncertainty. I didn't intend to get cats either; however some people felt that their cats were like outdated cell phones and dumped them. I will say living in the country on a farm without cats, quickly shows you all the good cats do that you were not aware of.

 The latest homeless character to come here is a little tabby I named Dusty. She is a complete class clown, I will have had her two years this summer. As far as cats go and I'm not a crazy cat person, personality wise I find her really cute. She cheers me up whenever I'm outside with her constant playfulness, well that is until I get my phone out to snap some pictures, then she just sits there until I shut it off.

 With no dog around the cats become the apex predator and I find will slightly take on the role of guardian. My older female will put herself between me and a raccoon, swiping claws and screaming like a deranged banshee to protect me. Touching I think but dangerous for her.

 Last night I went to the barn late and as I was walking across the yard, Dusty instead of following me as usual, kept trying to get my attention. She kept making the "come here" sound, it's the sound a mother makes to call her kittens, also she rolls in somersaults to get my attention. I jokingly said, "what's wrong Dusty, did Timmy fall in the well". I knew something was bothering her. As I walked around the corner, a big raccoon was digging at the foundation of the house. He stopped and looked at me as if to say "uh oh, busted" I did my crazy angry gorilla sounds with waving arms and gave chase.

 As I walked back towards the barn, Dusty was walking with this little swagger, "I'm such a good guard kitty". I'm impressed that she was trying to let me know something was wrong, normal for a dog but not what you would really expect from a cat.

 You should also known that I am trying to bring into law a new rule. Anyone who doesn't spay or neuter their pets, gets neutered themselves!

Liking Love Simon!

 Yesterday I was only at work regarding some changes being made, so I had meetings and had to sign a bunch of legal papers blah blah blah and then was out early. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to do something enjoyable for a change so I decided it was my gay duty to go see Love Simon, a movie about a high school kid coming out.

 I have read many negative reviews regarding this movie but for Pete's sake people, this is a movie about  a gay high school kid/coming out/love story and not The Gay Shape of Water! I liked it (lol)... so go suck a lemon! Yes, it is a cute movie, a feel good story like Disney goes gay or something along those lines. I think the intended audience is however the younger generations so people need to stop being so serious with the reviews. There is a lot of humour in the film so I don't think it's intended to be a major drama.

 I found it reminded me of forgotten emotions from my past growing up gay. There were times I found myself blinking really hard to keep my eyes dry. I could certainly feel the moment when he is trying to tell his parents, the words "I'm gay" are pretty hard to get out at first, I thought the actor did a good job getting that emotional awkwardness across. I think there is a powerful message from the mother played by Jennifer Garner, it's when she tells her son that he deserves everything in life that other kids get to strive for. I think that message is going out to all the LGBTQ kids who don't have a parent to say that to them. I know I would have appreciated hearing a positive message like that when I was seventeen. I have a feeling we will see this movie playing on television from time to time in the future, which will also boost the self acceptance of LGBTQ kids. Despite all the warnings about being offensive, the only thing I could see offensive to straight viewers, was that the main character is gay.

 The one scene I didn't really like was the ending with the ferris wheel, it was a bit too much and also earlier I lost a bit of sympathy for the main character when he was being so careless with his friends relationships. I felt a vibe like the teen movies of the eighties coming from the film, made me a little nostalgic for my high school days. There is a Hollywood happy ending that everyone keeps complaining about but seriously why not, why can't we have our happy ending. I wouldn't mind seeing this movie again in the future when it comes out on DVD.

Wild in Bed!

 Apparently I'm pretty wild in bed, the evidence is undeniable. Unfortunately I don't remember any of what happens because I am asleep when the shenanigans is going on. Now I know many of my readers have a dirty mind and I really appreciate that in a reader, but it's not what you think.

 Each night when I go to bed, I like to be toasty warm, keeping in mind that it's still pretty cold here, we haven't had spring yet. I get in my nicely made bed which consists of a flannel blanket, two wool blankets and a comforter on top. All the colour stripes and silky edges line up nicely, I snuggle in and think dirty thoughts about movie stars until I fall asleep. At some point in the night I wake up feeling cold... and hot.... and cold all at the same time. Usually I am half asleep and try to adjust myself and the blankets to feel warm enough again to return to sleep. It's a no go, I feel cold on my back while another part of me is sweating.

 I get up, turn on the light and behold the wonder of the blanket dance that I seem to perform while I'm sleeping. The flannel blanket is either bunched up into a rope across the top of my bed or across the bottom. The wool blankets are no longer lined up, they are often turned cross ways from each other and the comforter is half way onto the floor. I don't know if I'm dreaming about being at a wedding and we are trying to do the macarena or what is going on. I was never like this before, I'm thinking about using my upholstery stapler and fastening the blankets to the bed, I could just slide in each night, although changing the bed would be difficult.

  It would just be my luck to finally find a man and drive him off by my sleeping habits instead
of with my personality as usual. Imagine some poor guy showing up at work yawning and red around the eyes, "hey Mike wild night at Steve's"? Rubbing his eyes he answers, "no it's like sleeping with a giant grasshopper"! Oh well, there is always handcuffs I guess.

Character, Sunday Sermon V

 I think the character of a person is a way to measure true worth in society. If a Playboy model, someone who has had people taking pictures of her vagina, feels cheap and ashamed only after spending an evening with you, that says a lot about your character. If you spend an evening having sex with a woman who stars in pornography films and it's the woman who feels embarrassed to be seen with you, that says a lot about your character. If your young wife has just given you a son and this is what you do, I think that speaks volumes about your character, I think it also speaks volumes regarding how you view women.

He's gay? Him too? Them too!

 Lately my daily ritual is to check out what is posted on the blog, The Gay Almanac, I enjoy reading about people past and present that are members of the LGBTQ community, their accomplishments and legacies, plus the people who are looking out for us. It's like our very own personal history and information page. I know we shouldn't look back longingly to our past, I just can't help wishing we had something like this when I was growing up. Many mornings I spend spraying my coffee out onto my phone yelling, "he's gay, I didn't know he's gay"! If only we had known that so many people we once admired, were also just like us.

 I once watched a very conservative person insist that gay youth absolutely do not need gay role models. Being gay himself, he said gay youth only need good role models. He went on to brag about all his accomplishments that he had achieved. I felt he conveniently forgot about all the people who cleared the way for him to make those achievements. He forgets that only a few decades ago, he could have been jailed for being gay and spent his life rotting in a cell instead of being interviewed on t.v. This man has an agenda to push so he picks and chooses the parts of gay society that meshes with his story.

 I think it's important for gay youth to see themselves in today's society. How can people say that kids in sports need role models, that kids of certain minority groups need role models but when it comes to LGBTQ role models, they are not needed. There are still many places in Western countries where being gay is not ok. Those young kids need to see that many of the good people doing interesting things in the world today, are members of the LGBTQ community just like them and are proud of it.

 Sometimes life can imitate art, I was reading comments about a movie that recently was released, regarding a gay teenager coming out. I think the general feeling was that the movie is too nice, that it should have been more tortured. I say why can't today's gay youth get to have their own love story. I know I sure wanted one. They were all tortured and depressing when I was a kid and I can't see how that benefited me in the least. It just made me wish I was straight more! I can remember straight people getting upset over a gay film where one of the gay leads said that they didn't feel tortured. That was shocking to movie critics, how dare a gay person enjoy being gay!

 There are happy endings now, I have seen awesome coming out stories for the younger generations. If your parents watched and enjoyed the original Will and Grace, I really doubt they are going to reject you for coming out. I think there is nothing wrong with seeing a gay love story no matter how mushy, maybe gay people could expect a little romance as a way of starting relationships. It sure would be a step up from the usual strangers hooking up. Speaking of life imitating art, I remember when Ellen first came out on her show, she made the comment that there is no such thing as a cake with "Congratulations You're Gay" written on it. That made people think why not, yes it's sappy, yes it's nice, yes it wasn't reality; however after I remember for years some people who came out to friends got a surprise cake saying that very thing. I usually got a hug, except my straight male friend, he gave me a handshake and said congratulations on coming out.


The Gay Almanac is on my blog list I recommend you check it out.
Mistress Maddie also often blogs about the history of drag while looking fabulous doing it!

Truth is Not Blunt, it's True.

 Autism and sexuality are not two words that most people would put together. Children with autism however become adults with autism and many of these adults are fully functional members of today's society. Being an adult comes with adult desires and hopefully adult relationships.

 I stumbled upon some articles written about autism and sexuality and I found it very interesting. Many people with autism are very blunt with their answers or should I say, they are very honest with their answers. They will often answer truthfully not feeling a need to be dishonest. For instance an autistic friend may tell you that a shirt looks terrible on you, while another friend would lie, saying it looked great on you, so as not to hurt your feelings even though they also felt the shirt looked terrible. I found it really interesting then when autistic people were asked about their sexuality, regarding heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. It seems 70% of autistic people didn't identify as heterosexual; however many also didn't want to be placed in the other groups, they felt the labels had limitations on their sexuality.

 I found that groundbreaking and it had me thinking. Now of course in the articles, the people doing the studies wondered if autism had some effect on sexuality and maybe it does, I am certainly not an expert. I found it groundbreaking because if people with autism are known for blurting out the truth, maybe they just spilled a secret that society has been hiding.

 Maybe most people have a fluid sexuality and have been taught to keep that hidden. We are certainly starting to see more members of society open up about these issues. We are also starting to understand more and more people don't fit into the heterosexual mold. Like the guys I had been emailing with, everyone in their lives, thinks that they are straight family men, yet they are not. However they have explained to me that they do not see themselves as bisexual either. At first I thought maybe they were just confused but now I understand them more and I don't know what you would call them. I had to work out where I belonged in the world of sexuality, I'm certainly not going to try and shove a label onto someone who feels that category doesn't fit them.

If the people involved with the study were just your average Joe, they may not be aware of the hidden world of sexuality that is everywhere. That could be the problem because like the ugly shirt question, the people with autism are just speaking truthfully about the things the rest of us are keeping hidden.

You got older, big deal!

 Getting older is a negative part of life but it's better than the alternative. I am not happy about it but there is nothing I can do about it so everyone say it with me "IT IS, WHAT IT IS"! I will blog later about some of the things that upset me but there are many days where I can't stand to hear one more complaint or judgement because someone got older. Basically, so you got older, big deal, you did nothing wrong, it's not your fault.

 I want to talk about some positive moments that happened to me and I feel good about them. I have noticed myself becoming strongly attracted to older men, certain salt and pepper guys, balding guys, men getting that distinguished look to them. I feel really good about this because I and my friends are entering into these phases of our lives. I was worried about being one of those guys that only likes men half their age. Don't get me wrong, a twenty five year old is still hot, just I haven't cornered myself. I feel comfortable with guys around my age or older.

 A few weeks ago, I was standing in line at a local coffee shop, when this older man in front of me, guessed who I was because of my resemblance to my father. He is an older brother of someone I know but we had never met before. We were talking for a while and he mentioned that he had just turned 61. The funny thing was the whole time he was talking to me, I couldn't help notice what a fantastic ass the man had. In my head all I could think about was that I would totally tap that! He would say stuff like he just wanted to grab a coffee and I was thinking, I just want to grab you. I bet it's firm, I bet it makes a cute sound when playfully slapped! I WANT to see it in the shower!

  Same as an elderly neighbour came here one day and asked me if I would help his nephew fix the elderly man's ceiling. His nephew is probably 55 or 56 years, tall about 6'2, salt and pepper hair. The kind of older guy that looks after himself, eats properly, still plays hockey etc. My job was to hold the ladder steady as he made repairs to the ceiling. It was warm and this guy was wearing only Under Armour shorts and t-shirt. Well.... you absolutely can't believe the body on this guy and the clothes were showing it off perfectly. His legs were hot, the hair still dark, they were connected to the hottest butt on an older man I ever saw in the real world. You could bounce a quarter off that butt! Broad shoulders, nice arms, whatever workout he was doing, was working out! I had to spend all morning holding the ladder and looking up at that body. When I came home, no joking, I was probably as close to a male coming into heat as possible. He affected me for days, I couldn't find any older guy on line that even could come close to the way he made me feel, and when I say feel, I mean in an erotic, lustful, excited way. I think that older man turned me on in a way that I had never felt before. I kept getting crazy hardons every time I thought about helping him. I feel good about this, I think it's a healthy way to see aging, we're still the same people, just with a little rust around the joints, just because we are getting older doesn't mean we can't have a little fun with it.  ;)

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to anyone celebrating Easter. I am having dinner with family, I did some baking last night as I have the most important part of dinner... desserts!

 Then when I get back I will tell you about the crazy events where I was helping out at the local arena. I was helping a team of twenty somethings with their equipment because the assistant coach was off with the flu and some how ended up a little drunk and having sex with two of them. Of course you do realize this is April first. :)