7.5

The world's population is roughly 7.5 billion people. Driving home from work, I was thinking how strange it is then, with all these people, that someone could feel so alone. There are thousands of people in the same boat, alone or feeling alone and yet they are surrounded by all these people, seems to be a fact that doesn't make sense.

CD Gremlins!

The CD gremlins were at it again, yes that's CD as in compact disc. I have a long drive to and from work so I like to have a couple of CDs with me to pass the time when the radio is boring. It also gives me a chance to pull out old favorites, dust them off and listen to tunes I had forgotten about. However the gremlins love playing with my CDs, I think it must be the shiny metal look or maybe it's a frisbee with a hole in the center for them. I grab a bunch of CD cases as I rush out the door, but little do I know the gremlins have been playing with these. When the news becomes repetitive, I select a CD and open the case, only to be disappointed because it's empty! I open another to find the same thing. Trying others, I discover that instead of an artist I was looking forward to listening to, the wrong disc has been placed inside and it's usually an artist I need a break from, in fact I may even make a face and mutter under my breath "what the heck were you thinking when you bought that one". Then I have that sense of dread when I realize that I probably will have to listen to..... top forty goop. It has to be gremlins, nobody else is around to touch my collection and I am very good at putting things away, or at least I was. When I leave the house in the morning, the giggling starts, cupboard and closet doors open, then out from their hiding spots the gremlins scurry, they run around the house enjoying their freedom. Some get in my snacks, which is why they are always missing and others put on music, jumping around like monkeys. Then the silliness really starts as they fling the discs at each other. Suddenly they hear my car back in the yard and they tidy up the evidence, just putting things back carelessly, resulting in my music dilemma. Could be I am getting sloppy in my old age, nah, gremlins makes more sense.

Circling Back.

One of the worst feelings is when an anxiety that you thought you had dealt with, makes its way back into your life. I have been thinking a lot lately about my journey, where I was, where I am and of course where I'm going. Extra thought has been coming to me (especially at night) lately with the posting of my fellow bloggers regarding the feeling of getting older and time slipping away. One of my anxieties about coming out later in life was the fact of missed time, missed relationships, a missed full gay life. That anxiety however was quickly quashed when I met and fell in love with Dan. It was wonderful in the beginning and many of my friends, straight and gay said that there was no point in worrying about what I missed because I was in a good place at the time, who knew where I would be otherwise. Some of my straight friends used themselves as examples, they had been married, had a job, maybe kids but ended up being unhappy. Now they were remarried to someone who was a better match, changed to a better career and maybe now had a better relationship with their kids. I agreed, I wasn't worried about a past that may not have been as good as my present. My goal was to move forward and enjoy the "now". Unfortunately life has a way of jumping out and saying boo! ............................................... Now that feeling is back, yes I know I shouldn't think about it but it's like trying to stuff a pile of garbage into a bag one size too small with a hole in the bottom, every time you jam something in, something else pops out and you can't keep the contents contained. Now there's that feeling of having to start all over again, that nothing was accomplished, it's almost like day one of my coming out again. ...........................................I tell myself others have had to start over, gay and straight, every relationship teaches me something so it's not a total loss. I can't cliche myself however, as far as living life goes, I feel I blew it, not entirely but in a major way. I'm not sure, this could just be a part of my personality, I do have a bad habit of always second guessing myself and always wanting the opposite of what I chose.

Pounding Annoyance.

Every person sooner or later has to deal with some sort of personal annoyance that affects their life. It could be an allergy, bad back or a reoccurring injury. One of my little annoyances is sinus migraines. I used to try and avoid taking medication but I heard something that I instantly knew to be true. A doctor was saying take something at the first sign of trouble to stop it in its tracks, otherwise you will end up taking a lot of medication to get rid of the pain. I find that true, I will take something if I feel one coming on, if I don't and it really takes hold, it can be two or three days of fighting it off. ............................................ Yesterday I could feel one coming on, they are usually worse for me in spring and fall, I assume it's the change over of the weather. The absolute worst ones are when warm moist days turn to an incoming cold front with that raw dry air. I had just finished dinner and was taking mom back to the seniors home, I forgot that I had pills with me but wasn't worried because it wouldn't be that long until I was back home. Unfortunately by the time I arrived my head was pounding, pounding, pounding. I have heard that the two most annoying things are a headache or a hurt back, I believe that because both can really put you off your day. It is so frustrating because I was back in good time and had many things I wanted to get done but my train of thought was so broken. The rest of my day was spent sitting in darkness, taking pills, not moving, saying frustrated words under my breath, such a waste of time. Light, movement, sound become my enemy and bending over causes head explosions. I sit there feeling thump, thump, thump, I joke with myself thinking it's so unfair to be this hung over and I never touched a drop. ................................... Someone said to me that not many men get migraine headaches, I don't know if that is true. I know people who get headaches much worse than I do. Mine can last for days, I have to act fast because it will make my stomach sick and then I get stuck in a cycle of my headache making me sick but I can't keep anything down to make it go away, and if I can't make it go away it keeps making me sick and on and on. Sometimes I get a warning a few hours before, it will be as if someone were to flick the lights on and off in a split second, that could happen out side in sunshine as well as indoors. I used to not say a word about that for fear people would think I was crazy, or maybe men in suits would show up and say I figured out we were living in the matrix and I would need to be relocated. Fortunately I learned that can be one of the signs a migraine is coming on. ...........................................Finally at 10:30 it begins to fade and shortly after I am starving, tea and warmed up pizza are my late night supper, I believe that is the traditional Easter Sunday supper. Such a waste of a good afternoon. Cry baby session over.

To invent the word.

This evening the phone rang and it was my sister, we were discussing some changes in plans she had to make regarding dinner this weekend. I told her I was making dessert and not to worry about that part of dinner. One of the treats I'm making is her favourite cookie recipe of my mother's. She was actually excited about them and as we said goodbye, I hung up feeling quite the cookie hero for bringing her such simple joy. Fast forward to an hour later when the first tray is about to come out and I begin to think we need to invent a new word. The word needed is a word to describe the feeling when you suddenly realize that something has gone terribly wrong with the recipe you have been working on. Something that captures the disappointment of all the effort, time and ingredients waisted. Also the lost hero status, maybe even the feeling of being overwhelmed by the thought of a second attempt at the recipe. Yes a new word is needed because saying a word that sounds a lot like "ship" just doesn't cut it!

The Path?

People sometimes talk about a dream they had or a repeated dream they keep having. I wish my dreams were more like everyone else's. Many of my friends will say "oh I had the greatest dream the other night". Not me, all my life my dreams are always bizarre, tortured, prophetic or frightening in ways that no movie could recreate. ............................................... A few weeks ago I had a dream of hiking along a path through rolling, rocky fields, there was actually more stone than field with not a tree in sight. I have never been in such a place, it was not familiar to me. The path was made of small stones, packed down from years of people following the trail. As I walked, the path slowly was taking me to higher ground, suddenly I could see someone at the top of a hill. It looked like he was sitting on either a crumbling stone fence or perhaps a wall. Even though I was some distance away, I thought he looked familiar, I couldn't quit place him but I felt we had met before. Walking up the hill, he never looked at me, I wasn't sure if it was because he couldn't see me, maybe I wasn't really there or maybe he didn't want to see me. As I approached he still was looking off into the distance, I realized he was waiting for me to get closer, I could also tell that he seemed annoyed with me. Stopping a few feet from him, I stood in silence, waiting for him to speak. I heard him sigh and he turned towards me, that's when I saw who he was and why he seemed familiar. It was my younger self, it was me, he finally spoke asking, "at what point did you give up on yourself"? That startled me awake. ............................................. After a dream like that, it made me wonder about self reflection. Could my subconscious be trying to sound the alarm regarding my choices lately, does something like that even exist. I'm certainly not on the path that I had set out to be on. I also am open to choices that at one time would have felt wrong to me. I got the feeling from that young man that he was not only annoyed with me but disappointed in me as well. Did I give up on myself, looking back I wonder if I ever really believed in myself in the first place. Some days I want to go back to that young man and tell him that he will learn things are not so black and white, he will learn about something in between called grey. Maybe that's the stubborn adult problem however, maybe he's right, maybe we need to step back and see when the path we are following is not correct, the "point" is when we didn't notice we went off course.

Off To La La Land.

I haven't gone to a movie theater in years. I prefer to see something in the comfort of my own home and not have some jerk sit behind me smacking popcorn while commenting on every upcoming scene, spoiling the story line. This week a local center brought the film La La Land to its small theater. I had wanted to see this film and with it coming so close to me I decided to go. Plus I know that most of the people going will be an older crowd and a more artistic friendly crowd, no loud obnoxious teens. I know what everyone is thinking, who ever heard of a gay man going to a musical? Well, I guess that I'm busted, yes I like musicals. I know, I know that is so unlike a gay man to go, but I did. I went alone, nothing makes you feel more single than going to an event by yourself. Part of any event I have learned, is to share the memories of it afterwards with someone, good or bad. ............................................ I arrived in plenty of time, I was surprised to see that you could have a glass of wine with your movie, also on offer was organic popcorn or fair trade coffee, (no I'm not kidding). The consequence of this was that it drew in every ex hippy artsy type baby boomer from miles around. I was never surrounded by so many middle aged white people wearing fading berets and cool dude fashions that stopped being cool fashions years ago. It made me sad because that will be me in ten years. I was hoping to meet people, maybe even bump into some members of the gay herd, but everyone seemed to have a girlfriend with them. While standing in line, this lady spoke to the woman in front of me, then she gave me an odd look and said hello. Then she laughed and said, "sorry Helen I thought you got a new man in your life"! I was startle because Helen was at least ten years older than me and maybe more, I was a little insulted too, I could do much better than Helen! By now however you people should know what a smarty pants I like to be, so I gently put my arm around this complete stranger's shoulder and say "well actually.... looks like we're caught honey"! Her friends laughed, she was embarrassed. I find in situations like that, people don't want to meet new people, they just want to stick with their own. ............................................. I enjoyed the movie, it's true the singing and dancing scenes work into the movie and not like some films where you find yourself thinking "oh no, are they breaking into song again". Amazing to me that an almost old style romantic musical, played in today's theaters and was successful, awards and all. I wonder if it has something to do with musicals being still a big draw in other countries or maybe it's so different from today's films that its time has come again. Maybe it's just a novelty and if you made another one like this it would flop. All during the film I couldn't help thinking how much my Dad would have enjoyed this film. I could just hear him saying that it's just like the old time films he loved as a young man. .............................................. I was surprised by the ending, I didn't see that coming, very modern ending, no happy ever after like most of the old films, I found that a bit too real. Finally it ended, people clapped, I didn't, I find that strange, the people at the studio can't hear us. Although I was thinking after, the people at the centre might feel pleased that they picked this film if the audience reacted with such positive enthusiasm. If you like Singing in the rain type movies and were thinking about seeing this, I say go for it. ............................................ What is with people checking their text messages, especially the lady beside me, that blue glow when trying to watch a movie in the dark is like someone turned a flashlight on and is shining it in your face. Almost as bad as the guy who would stamp his feet to the music. Making it feel like someone is shaking your seat. The nice police officer completely understood why I strangled those two under cover of darkness and let me off with a warming.

Sex and Oxygen.

There's a quote floating around out there, along the lines of, "sex in a relationship is like oxygen, you don't think about it very much until you're not getting enough". Last Saturday as I was on my way to an event, I had to pass by my ex boyfriend's place and of course it brought back a lot of memories, both really good and also really bad. By the time we broke up, there were a lot of little things that had added up to that point, but the main issue was a lack of intimacy. When I first started dating Dan I was worried about measuring up. He had already been in two serious relationships and I had almost no experience with any kind of relationship, I was afraid of lacking in both emotional experience and sexual experience. I was really head over heels for the guy and I wanted to put every effort into making things work. ................................................ Little did I know however that I had found the one in a million guy who isn't all that interested in sex, to this point I had never really heard of a man not wanting to have sex, I mean straight or gay, isn't that the running joke about men thinking about it 24/7! Apparently though I would find out it's common. One of the things that would upset me later was that he kept this from me and let me blame myself. I found it odd when we first started dating that he would keep saying "we will eventually find our stride". I kept thinking how odd a thing to say, don't we just get undressed and go at it? What stride, we weren't practicing for Cirque du Soleil. ............................................. Later when he finally told me, I began to resent him. I know it wasn't personal, it's the way he was but I took it personally. It's also very hard to be in love with someone and every time you want to express to them how much you love them in an intimate way, you are brushed off. I soon felt what was the point of being boyfriends when we were missing the one thing that separates us from just being good friends. To me part of being gay was finally getting to have sex with a guy, like I had dreamed about my whole life. I had always had in my head, those naughty thoughts of making love on a rainy weekend afternoon when there is not a lot to do, or when the power goes out or there is nothing on t.v. or it's Thursday and why the heck not! Suddenly all those intimate fantasies were wiped away by reality. ......................................... Sometimes he made things worse, like when we were out in public with friends, he would pretend to be some kind of hot lover that couldn't wait to get me back home. I remember one of his friends saying I was red from blushing and everyone laughed thinking I was shy. The truth was I was angry and blasted him when we did get back, it wasn't so much anger as it was me being hurt. He knew the subject was sensitive between us and yet was acting in an embarrassing and immature way. I tried to to help him but he would shut down on me, then I found out about other things he was keeping from me and I finally gave up. During this time my Dad had passed away and I moved farther away from Dan, we weren't getting along very well and I started going less and less, which caused a cycle of him getting angry because I wasn't coming to see him, and I wasn't coming to see him because he was always getting angry. Until finally the end. As the saying goes, sex and oxygen, you don't really think about them until you are not getting enough, or sex is ten percent of a relationship and the rest of life is ninety percent, unless your relationship suddenly has no sex then the numbers reverse. I couldn't help feeling sad as I drove by, I know deep down he didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me, but he certainly didn't try to help things. Any way that's life I said to myself, drive on, drive on.