Stevosexuality

I am starting to understand that sexuality is tailored made to each individual, there is no cookie cutter set of rules. I really get tired of people trying to label everyone. Even if I say that I'm gay, my version of gay is not the same as many other gay men. A few days ago I happened to read posts on other sites that really irritated me. The basic rant was that gay men who are after masculine type men, were supposedly being hypocrites. Somehow they were not true to the gay cause. If you wanted a masculine boyfriend, you were branded a self hater. ......................... To each his own I say. I am attracted to masculine men. Some say "straight acting" but I don't like that choice of phrase, I can see the label problem there. If a guy plays hockey and does construction all week, is that not just another form of gay acting lol. I think my version of "gay" is not a cop out, to me it makes a lot more sense than dating a guy in a dress. I have zero attraction to the feminine side of humanity so I want my guy to be a typical guy. Otherwise I would think if I were dating a man who dresses and looks like a woman, why wouldn't I date the real thing. This is however "my" view of sexual attraction based on my sexuality or my sexual viewpoint and I never would try to push it on others. .................................. A person would think that by this stage in life, I would be fully aware of what I am sexually attracted to, that is why I was so surprised by something I learned about myself last winter. I was reading about transgender people, I have no attraction to men going through this transition, in fact I have said this before that I am uneasy around guys in drag etc. It's not an awkward sexual thing, it has more to do with the feeling that someone is hiding their identity from me................................. I was looking at pictures of trans people when I happened to see women who were well on their way to becoming men. Some only used hormones and did not want surgery. I was shocked to realize that I was very attracted to these men. Even more shocking to me is I would absolutely date a person like these guys and it wouldn't bother me in the least if they never had the surgery, I guess it shows me that I am attracted to the person as a whole and that I don't identify a person by their genitals, I am not trying to sound crude. I am just trying to explain this attraction, to me, they were men, handsome men. I have also noted that these men seem to draw more hostility and often from groups that should be supportive. ......................... I am lucky I think that one of my huge attractions is towards the average joe type of man, so I have a huge pool of guys to pick from. The fact that I don't try is for more soul searching, but that is for a different post. I hope that one day people can understand that we can't impose our attractions onto others, square pegs in round holes type thing, that we just let whoever date whoever. Sexuality, tailor made for me and you.

The Fab Four..... bloggers.

Friday I was able to do something I always wanted to do, that was to meet some fellow bloggers. Since Michael of the world famous Spo-reflections was coming to this city, I asked him to meet with me. He responded in what at first I thought was some type of clever banter that was flying over my head. He was saying I would get to meet "someone, Willy or won't he and Larry Muffin". As much as I love muffins I was wondering if this was gay blogger code for something. Suddenly it dawned on my thick brain these were other bloggers. ................................... I was a little nervous that day, okay a lot nervous, I am kind of introverted and it's hard enough for me to meet with one person. I was hoping I wouldn't freeze up, stare at the floor, blanking out not being able to say anything. As the restaurant rolled out the red carpet, the paparazzi flashing cameras went wild when Michael's limo pulled up. Well that's how it went in my head all day, what actually happened was I walked up to them and asked if I was well over four feet. ..................................... It went well (I thought) and the bonus for me was meeting fellow bloggers in this city plus the man that stole Dr. Spo's heart. Time flew by fast and next thing I was saying goodbye. Maybe the only drawback was Michael made fun of Tim Hortons but luckily no one in the bar overheard him, a great sin in Canada to speak against Tim's. I got what I think is possible the best hug I have ever received in my life, so all is forgiven lol. This darn not so smart phone will not let me link to the other blogs, sorry guys if you see this. I will get you on my blog roll.

From There to Here.

How did I get here, to a place where I sometimes have to remind myself that I am into guys. I have those moments of "oh yeah" I almost forgot. Compared to obsessing over it at one point and being truly homophobic to the actual definition of the word. Don't get me wrong, it's still a journey for me but I'm okay with it now. ....................................... One of the stepping stones that I can't express enough administration for, was the blogosphere. I know blogs are fading away and being replaced by the latest and greatest but for a moment in time, they were a connecting link for people struggling to come out. People don't blog anymore, actually I don't think people come out anymore, seems now that they just start dating and show up with whichever partner they are attracted to. ....darn this smartphone won't let me use paragraphs........ Anyway I have a lot of gratitude for bloggers who helped me get comfortable in my skin, helped me move ahead to actually being gay. Most of all for the first time in my life, this gave me the opportunity to fall in love with a great man, a life experience I was terrified that I would miss out on. Of course love went flying off the rails years later but I will not go there now. ....................... It started with the blog Inside Stephen, that guy was my first sounding board, then I found a whole world of bloggers, Matt of Matter days, Scott in Iowa, three or four guys named Joe, a few Stevens, Patrick in New York, Brad southern expressions and on and on. Some I began to talk to, my best buddy John of Open a Window and not to forget David of David's tangled thoughts. I really miss the early blogs and wonder what they are up to now. I made a lot of connections as time went on, too many to list but I remember you if you see this. ...................... So I think this is my long way around to saying that I am going to get to meet four bloggers on Friday. Yup and this smartphone is not letting me put the links up, drat! One of the early blogs I used to follow was Ur-Spo, so I am really happy to get to meet Michael who writes the blog, not that the other gentlemen don't count lol, just for me there is that connection to my stumbling out of the closet. I think this is one of those bucket list items, meet other bloggers. Hope I don't say anything stupid.

Mistaken Life.

The other day, one of my blog buddies asked me if I ever get the feeling that I should be doing something different with my life. The truth is I always feel that I have taken the wrong path, actually to correct that statement, I "know" that I have taken the wrong path. I am notorious for taking the easy way out. I am also one of those people who can see how choices will play out in the future, but fail to do the correct thing. Dare I say this but, in a few more years I will turn fifty. How the blank blank did that happen! That scares the bleep out of me. I have this gnawing sense of time running out, and the sense of wasting my life, holding back, none ambitious. Too many times I sold myself short, criticized myself to the point of being my worst enemy. ..................... I think of the Robert Frost poem, "The Road Not Taken". I am sure many of you are familiar with this poem, it was often studied in high school. A man stops at a fork in the road and contemplates his path in life, thinking of the "what if", what if he had decided to take a different path. I remember not really understanding the man's dilemma, youth can't relate to a life timeline, however I do remember thinking that I hoped to not feel that way when I was older. Unfortunately I do, I feel I made the wrong choices, some at the time I thought I was doing the right thing but now I see it was the easier thing. I am doing the wrong thing with my life, I am living in the wrong place, I am not where I should be relationship wise, I have made the wrong choices in letting connections go. It scares me to know that to get where I should be, I will have to start all over again and truthfully..... I don't have the energy anymore.

Stepping out onto the pages.

Step out onto the pages of your book, you younger generation, this is your time. You are able to live your life on your terms, you don't have to be stereotyped into a box that fits what people think a gay person should be, look like, act like. Frankly your straight friends don't care and probably don't think about it much. ................... I said in my last post, that I used to write this fantasy world in my head, where gay people lived just like straight people, and folks just accepted it as is. I certainly never dreamed that it would happen one day. There is no longer a need to fantasize, fiction has become real life, I need to figure out how to write my own story now. ........................ I was watching The Big Bang Theory one night and the story line was that since most of the characters were nerds, they missed their high school proms. So they held one for themselves. Gave me an idea, I think it would be fun to hold a prom for older gay people, play the music of your youth, even try to dress up like the time period of your high school years. I know I will never do it but if I can put the bug in the right person's ear, who knows. How much more gay could a prom for the seventies or eighties get. ................. I am going to change the path of this blog soon, just to let my three readers know. When I read my statement of coming out, I feel been there done that. I think it's why I am not connecting with my posts. Since this is my therapy session, everyday life issues are what keeps my little mind occupied and also bubbling with anxiety. I still will mention gay issues but I want to be expressing other issues as well.

Like the cool kids.

I wish I was more like the cool kids, cause all the cool kids, they seem to get it. This song sometimes plays on my car radio traveling to work in the morning. Funny how quick something can send us back, that is, back to a time when most of us felt awkward and out of place in the world. Back to a time when cool was spelt with a "c" and not kool, or I think now its kewl, how old I am beginning to feel these days. I like the way we can hear the pain in the singer's voice, the torture of being a teen is expressed and it makes me feel a little sad for the kids in that stage of life.................................. . There was that added bonus of being a gay teen, add a little tortured soul with an extra heap of confusion, anxiety and self loathing. Yes those were the good old days. I think one of the hardest things was when I would develop a crush on a guy, and realize that it was never going to happen. I hated being at a dance and seeing my male friends so interested in girls, it was foreign to me, I understood the why, I just hated not having the same feelings. .......................................... I have a strong image in my head of one particular dance, my Dad came to pick me up and as I got into the back seat, he got out of the car and went over to talk to another parent. While waiting for him, I noticed the wind blowing open the curtains of the school gym where the dance was. Inside I could see my friends, especially one certain guy I had a huge crush on, he was dancing with a girl, he hated dancing but was doing it to impress her. I remember feeling sick in my stomach, as if I caught him cheating on me. I wanted that to be me he was dancing with. Later that night, I was distraught, why had God, nature or whatever, played such a cruel joke on me. ............................. To cope I started to imagine a fantasy world, where people could date who they wanted, where one of my friends would walk up to me with a stupid grin and ask me to go to the prom, dance, dinner or date with him, where people didn't care who you dated as long as they were good to you. This world, in my head I felt, would never happen, things would never change that much. If only people would get to know us, they would see how normal we are, not some sort of sex fiend as some tried to make us out to be, is what I always felt. ................................... How odd that this memory comes flooding back, odd because it happens as one of my close friends is telling me about how excited her nephew was, it seems that the boy he really likes, said yes and went to the prom with him. How awesome was that last line I just wrote. This is now something quite common, there was even the news story about the straight boy asking his gay friend to the prom, so that he would have someone to take and not miss out. .......................................It hurts though, that I missed it by a generation or two, that the boy waiting inside the car had to live a separate, secret and very lonely adolescence, different from all his friends, when all he wanted was to be just like them. I think how strong a lot of us must have been to work through that garbage. I know there is no point in going back over the past, I am just in a reflective mood. It also has to do with where I want to take this blog, I want to change the purpose of it, so working out the bugs, well the bugs in my head that is.

Dear John, yes that's you John!

My blog friendship with a certain blogger is high priority, so since he is having trouble with his email, I am using my blog to get a message to him. Anyway, there are only about three people who read this lol. John, my email address that you usually use to get me, is the same email address that is in my profile on this blog. Now hurry up and get it fixed!

Shhh.

Shhh, hey Americans what is with all the noise down there? Lower the volume will you, there is enough racket that a person would think it was the fourth of July or something. Oh..... yeah..... that's right, it is, okay carry on then!

Closed for Canada day eh!

The staff at soothisisme would like to wish you a happy Canada day and inform you we are closed for the holiday. Of course we are not very good at keeping the blog up most other days either. Even worse you probably stumbled on here by accident, yes this is a gay themed blog but there are no nude male pics here. You want those other blogs. Now go bbq, wave the red maple leaf and set off fireworks. I should probably also mention that I personally have no problem with nude male pictures, you know, just in case I offended a photographer or model etc.