My ex came to town last week for a visit. For those who are new to this blog, I did date someone years ago before Dave, only I panicked and slammed myself back into the closet at the time. I managed to find my ex on line two years ago, I always wondered what happened to him. We have emailed back and forth a few times since then. He moved a world away and is doing really well for himself. I knew he would as he was a very smart man and entered into the tech world as it was taking off. He talked about how he met someone and they have been together for ten years, I talked about my hiding as I had not met Dave at that time. I was happy to have reconnected, I always felt bad at the way things ended and wanted to say sorry for basically taking off on him.
The emails soon however became inappropriate, they began to take on a sexual tone. I thought this odd for a man in a long term relationship and wondered if he was joking. If I mentioned it, he would say he was only joking and so I let it go, it was not the humor that I remembered from him however.
This week he came to my city and even though he knows I'm with Dave, the emails took on a 'hook-up' tone, actually almost desperate to the point where they began to feel creepy. He told me that he had a "special" friend in every city as his job sends him all over the world. I was hurt because I realized that the reason he wanted to meet was mostly to have a "F*buddy" in this city. I suddenly had the thought, if he has become this stereotypical gay manwhore, then he will have an ad on craigslist, and so I checked. I felt something sink inside me, there it was, an ad for strange guys to come over to his hotel room and he listed the things he wanted them to do to him, he even had the nude picture.
I suddenly did not want to meet with him and backed out of our dinner, I felt gross inside, I had this image in my head where he would try to plant me with a greeting kiss after using that mouth to service a group of sweaty strangers. I would not even want to hug him. I had a feeling he would be making suggestive jokes all night, only I would know for sure by then that he would be serious. That part of my life is over now, that young man I once dated died when I saw the craigslist ad, I don't know this guy that he has become. It makes me wonder sometimes, how we can get caught up in this gay world and what happened to turn him this way. The man I met years ago I had so much respect for, this man he has become is... well I don't want to place judgement on him but I will say this, I am really worried about him, because I know that other sweet person is still in there somewhere and I feel something bad will happen sooner or later.
I should probably say I'm not a prude but there is a difference with having a hook up buddy and sleeping with every easy craigslist guy in all the cities you travel to.