Wednesday, June 11, 2008


These last few days have been dark for my Dave, it will be one year ago that he lost his mom. Like a lot of gay men, Dave was very close to his mother, more so than to his father. Dave's parents were fairly easy going people and when he told them he was gay ten years ago, they only had a few questions to help them understand what exactly "being" gay meant, then they told him if that was what he wanted in life, they were fine with it. When I met Dave almost five months ago, his nerves were still raw from the loss of his mother, I had to, kind of look out for him, for example I would try to avoid a movie or TV show that had a scene of someone losing their mother, it would be like torture to his very core. Being close to his parents was one of the things that attracted me to him. The strange thing is because I love Dave, I also feel a loss of a woman I will never get to know, I express to him that I also understand he probably feels the same way. I see her pictures and she is one of those people who seems shy but jolly or perhaps good natured as she is always smiling and laughing. I let Dave tell me as many stories as he needs to, because what is important to him, is important to me.

I also can't help relate as I see my own parents aging, in fact my parents are older than Dave's and I know that one day that dreaded phone call will come. Some days after spending time with Dave, I just have this sudden overwhelming urge to go visit them, often I tear up at the thought no one will be there to answer my call of "Mom" or "Dad" at a future date. I will always remember what my Mom's mother said to me one time, I was a thirteen year old and bored with being at Grandma's house, I was bugging my parents to go home when my Grandmother over heard me, she said "one day I will no longer be here and you will think of this day and miss me," it is true Grandma I miss you terrible now and I hope you knew at the time I loved you with all my heart but just didn't know how to say it. I felt so loved and wanted in her house and with the exception of my own parents, I never felt that kind of unconditional love from someone else again.

I had a decision to make about whether to be with Dave this weekend for the services to mark the one year loss. I know he would like me to be at his side, however I noticed as the family made plans for a service and small get together, some would leave the room so as not to let me see them cry, including Dave's father. I told Dave I will not be with him and explained why. This to me is still raw sorrow for his family and since they have all been so welcoming to me, I want them to grieve in peace, I feel it is just not right for them to worry that they have to hold back on my account. I told him this is family time and as I am new I will give them their space, of course he did not fully agree but he understood. Part of it is also that father's day is this weekend, talking about the loss of a parent makes me want to see my parents more, also another part is I can't stand to see Dave cry and know there is nothing I can do about it. Later on when I know his family better I can take part in family events like this, but as for now I will let them grieve for a sweet woman who was the world to them.


Vic Mansfield said...

Maybe you could be with him some of the time, but not all, giving them some space, but then being there for Dave.

I lost my mom about 4 years ago and it still stings, sometimes. And I know there are things I've buried that will rise up to be dealt with.

It takes time. Lots of time. And the love of someone like you to be there for him.

A Troll At Sea said...


I may not have any myself, but I can recognize tact when I see it. Joe [BMO] may be on to something; my own advice would be to make sure that you are there for Dave as soon as whatever his family has planned is over.

Just a thought.


Sooo-this-is-me said...

Thanks guys but don't worry, I will be with him Friday and all day Saturday for support, just on Sunday with all the major family stuff I will back off from.
So sorry Joe about your Mom, we are all still children around our mothers, no matter what the age.

TWISI said...

Give him love and support, that is what he needs and what you can provide.

Java said...

Sounds very wise to me. Also a good idea to see your family this weekend, too, esp. with it being father's day.

psyther said...

That's really respectful and mature of you...I commend you. As it may be harder for Dave, I take it you never met his mother, and on many levels his family and he may be okay with you there for support some of the time/ all of the time/ in any capacity, the fact remains you are not their family and respecting that boundary will only strengthen your relationship with Dave, and ultimately his family. You're with him many nights before, and will be many after, so don't second guess the love and support you are providing. As you mentioned, it is an appropriate time for you to see your parents. Stay strong, dude--J

Anonymous said...

What a special man to put his partner's feelings first and the willingness to sacrifice being with Dave for his family's own good and providing them space.