Is it just me or is sex a lot of work? I mean it looks so easy in the movies, not so in real life I am finding. I guess with anything practice makes perfect so I think we all need lots and lots of practice but I wonder if others feel the same way. I know one of my straight friends says he usually only goes once in a night and only twice a week at most, I teased him and said he was getting old. He said to me that sex is not as easy with another person as by yourself, a little dig at me for being single at the time. What about you guys/ladies? Do you find that some days you just want to cuddle because you are too tired to put in the effort? Sometimes we end up laughing so much that the concentration is gone and then it is over, we just can't get back into the mood. Sometimes I get grossed out by the gels, condoms etc and the added tension puts me out of the mood. Does anyone else find at times that sex is a little silly, a little awkward, even a little gross? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy it and most of us know by now it is way better with someone than without. Plus when you are in love with that person, it makes you feel so connected to them. I mean besides being a little awkward, it also feels so awesome and gives you that intimate, final bond where you want to share yourself with that person, in a way that only lovers can. Still however it certainly is different than what fantasies are like, who ever thinks of the sweating, sticky, elbow in the ribs, knee in the chin kind of things that happen.
I always tease Dave, even though he is a total sweetheart to me, I tell him I am going to write a post called 'Dave My Abusive Lover" he begs me not to! The thing with Dave is he is actually a large guy compared to me, almost 6'4 and 220 lbs so there are bound to be a few accidents. He asked me (while laughing) not to tell anyone, but I am!
...........My nasty boyfriend - and the dangers of sex!
A) While kissing and really getting hot and heavy one day, he reached back to hand me something and cracked me right on the nose with his elbow, ouch! I started to bleed like crazy and had to run to the bathroom so as not to get blood all over the sheets! He came after me and felt so so bad, he kept saying he was sorry. I was laughing but also in pain, I made him laugh by pretending I was afraid to let him near me.
B) Again one day while trying to be suddenly romantic, he grabbed me and pulled me into him, however in his attempt to bring me closer to him, he kneed me right in the 'boys', a bad one! It was bad enough that I rolled out of bed in total pain onto the floor. I was rolling around on the floor asking him not to touch me, look at me or breath on me because it hurt too much, then comes that sick in the pit of your stomach feeling that only another guy can understand what I am talking about.
C) One Saturday we had a really romantic day together, he made a perfect dinner, we slow danced a little and then spent a couple of hours soaking, relaxing and kissing in his hot-tub by candlelight. We later took a quick shower together to rinse off, as I was getting out of the shower he closed the metal door and the bottom corner cut a huge chunk out of the back of my heel. Again there was blood everywhere, I was trying not to bleed on his floor or towels, again he felt so bad! I asked him jokingly if he really hated me down deep inside and was not telling me. It took a long time to stop the bleeding and for a while we though that I might have to go and get stitches, how embarrassing would that have been.
Maybe since I have been out of practice for so long I forgot how the mechanics of things work. I could get one of those books and to spice things up, we could read it upside down once in a while. Mostly to be honest, I go over to Dave's for a hug. I know that sounds sappy but it is true. It gives me a lot of pleasure when he wraps his arms around me, kisses me and tells me he loves me. The best part is I know he really means it and is not just saying it. There is no one else except him that I want to have icky, sweaty, sticky, awkward, raunchy, passionate, hot, loving sex with.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Spring???
Over the last few days I have been reading where the rest of you are finally having spring. However spring here is like a sleepy teenager that does not want to get out of bed on a Sunday morning. There are just no signs of it here, most places still have almost a meter (3 feet) of snow with drifts and banks almost double that. Sometimes I feel we need spring by this time of year, now I find I am waiting impatiently for it, like a friend that is really late coming to the restaurant. There are no early spring flowers poking their heads out, no birds getting ready to build nests. Winter usually still has a grip on nature at this time here but spring is almost always showing itself just around the corner, not this year. Some days we hear that we will have warmer weather, around the freezing mark but the twist is that it will come with a wind chill factor of -20 so no gain and no crappy snow melting, aaaaaaaaah!
Today there were many flocks of geese flying in, they were mistaken in thinking that spring was on cue. I felt sorry for them, the fields are cover in snow up to my butt, with even a crust on the snow that can hold any size person. They will have nothing to pick through, no open water for them to swim on and they fly in circles around the city like a plane that can not land. I guess they will head back further south for a while.
I am so sick of this winter I can't hardly wait until it finally lets go. I would rather be watching the snow melt and run off in little streams, feel the warmer air on my face, I look forward to seeing tulips and other spring bulbs blooming, hearing the first redwing-blackbird or robin. Then I will know I have made it through, winter will be over and each day will take me farther from her cold sting. Oh what is that forecast they just said on the radio? Another 5cm of snow, I am going to crawl into a cave somewhere and sleep for a month!
Today there were many flocks of geese flying in, they were mistaken in thinking that spring was on cue. I felt sorry for them, the fields are cover in snow up to my butt, with even a crust on the snow that can hold any size person. They will have nothing to pick through, no open water for them to swim on and they fly in circles around the city like a plane that can not land. I guess they will head back further south for a while.
I am so sick of this winter I can't hardly wait until it finally lets go. I would rather be watching the snow melt and run off in little streams, feel the warmer air on my face, I look forward to seeing tulips and other spring bulbs blooming, hearing the first redwing-blackbird or robin. Then I will know I have made it through, winter will be over and each day will take me farther from her cold sting. Oh what is that forecast they just said on the radio? Another 5cm of snow, I am going to crawl into a cave somewhere and sleep for a month!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
In The Land Of Gays!
I have returned from my trip into the Gay World. Well not actually the 'Gay World' more like a little village, the Montreal gay village to be exact. I have to say I really enjoyed it, not so much for what there was to see and do, but for the fact that it is a street that is for the gay community. The shops are either about gay products or gay friendly, the flags and stickers are displayed to welcome gay clients into the stores. It was even a little heart warming to see the coffee shop chains with the pride colors in the windows. Most of the people around were gay or lesbian couples and it was like returning to a familiar place, even though I had never been there before. I know a lot of straight people don't often understand why we need places like that, but they can never know what it is like to live in a world where everything is geared to go against the grain of our sexuality. Dave and I even stayed in a gay B&B, we immersed ourselves in gay culture and it felt so right.
It was awesome to be traveling together, I have never had someone that I could share these experiences with before. Being in the gay village there was also no awkward moments of who we were to each other, everyone got it right away. Dave is a little brat in that he likes to make me feel a bit uncomfortable at times, just for a joke. When we first started dating, we began this little ritual where we always kiss before we eat. He kept daring me to kiss him in the restaurants before we ate, I surprised him by doing it, I hoped by giving in he would grow tired of teasing me that way but it only made him worse. It almost caused a bit of a red face for me when he was trying to get me to kiss him behind a stained glass door of an old church we were touring through, later we discovered that not only was it not hidden away, but that actually dozens of devout Easter church goers were looking out through the windows of that door. That was a close call, I just had visions of being chased by people with crosses and holy water.
Sex shops, they really are a lot of fun to shop in and now extra fun because I had Dave with me. I think the best part is when there are other customers in there and they are completely serious in their discussions of which harness or rubber suit is the best. The 'dildo wall', I always think "ouch" when I look at that! Really, some of them are so big that I think the guy must be getting ready to park a small car in there to save garage space. Dave would not let me buy a whip, and what is worse, it was on sale! I mean where else are you going to find a good whip at 40% off! To be honest I could not tell what most things would get used for, I became a little frightened. I wanted a funny T-shirt but actually I could not find a funny one, most were just vulgar. We ended up not actually buying anything. We also looked in gay DVD shops, they were mostly just porn which is sad really, they are missing a chance to sell gay movies which can be so hard to get some times. Our B&B was right off 'The Village', so we took a break and came back to rest. The room was nice and warm, being in a gay friendly environment and with most of the guests out, caused me to become suddenly really... well raunchy, much to Dave's shock and delight, so we had a bit of fun at noon to help the day along, there was that excitement of being in a strange place.
The food was pretty good, even just going to a sandwich shop, you were given a bit extra attention to taste. The dance clubs were slow and empty as most are early in the night. I looked at Dave and smiled, he knew what I wanted to do. I have never been to a strip club in my life. My friends always have tried to get me to go but of course they were straight clubs, I just have zero interest in watching women strip. I am not into that sort of thing, I know it is using people and not adding to my growth as a person but it is just an experience that I wanted to try. I tried it, I liked it so much that we tried two other different places! To be honest, since I never played on any sports teams or have any brothers, I have not seen many guys naked in real life. We sat right up close to the stage, I wanted to, my bad. The first guy out was dressed as a cowboy, now he did not have a horse between his legs but he certainly looked like he had part of the horse between his legs! The next guy out was a total cute hottie, I am sure he is straight and I remember thinking, 'wow I am about to get to see this guy naked'. He was hung, no let me rephrase that, he was huuung, I did not think they could get that big. He had the total package, handsome looks, cute body and good dance moves. One guy came so close, that I whispered to Dave to cover our drinks as not to get any hair in them. The only thing I did not like, was I did not know the strippers come out and constantly try to get you to buy a private dance with them, it became a bit annoying at times, some were polite about it, some were pushy. Things were going fine until one guy reached down and began to caress Dave's hair and face, I instantly thought of using my beer bottle as an instrument for amputation, meow-rrrreeeeow! We stayed there and drooled... um I mean watched for a while, then we when to get dinner.
After Dave asked me if I wanted to try one of the dance clubs, it was only ten so they were still pretty much empty, he asked if I wanted to try another strip club, I was shocked, I could not believe he asked me that, well of course I wanted to try another strip club! The next one we went to was not as good as the first, the guys were really young or young looking so I kept thinking I wanted to give them bath robes. A few older looking guys came on and after they danced we left. We wandered around for a while, I wanted to grab something sweet to eat but I also needed to use a washroom so bad I thought I would explode. I had become pee-shy in all the strip clubs so of course I was not able to go. Dave and I laugh about this all the time, because he is the same way. We stopped into a Mc's to use their washroom, (it is the only thing I will ever do there, I never eat there) we were reminded that we are in a gay village by the people waiting to get served. A lot were in leather but the one that made us both smile was the old man dressed totally in a shiny, skin tight, rubber suit. It was cute to see that he was completely comfortable with himself and that no one really noticed him.
We tried to get into the dance club but by now there was a line up down the street (where did all these people come from) and we could see it was now full. I was a little ticked that you could tell there were a lot of straight couples waiting to get in as well, I know it is nice that they support the gay dance clubs but they have so many of their own clubs where gay people do not feel welcomed. Dave asked if I wanted to wait over half an hour in the freezing wind or try another strip club. I did not really want to try another strip club with hot naked guys dancing but I thought it would not be fair to those guys if I did not give them a chance and go to their club as well. Reluctantly I decided to go see more cute naked men. This third place had good looking guys more like the first place, we stayed for an hour or so and then left. There was still a line at the dance club so we decided to head back and pack it in for the night, it was so cold out and we were tired. Turning in for the night, I said to Dave, "this proves we are getting old" both in bed by one AM and going to sleep instead of rocking the bed posts.
The next day we had a nice time talking with the other guests at the B&B, later we did some sightseeing around the city and by noon we decided to head home. When we returned to Dave's house I was suppose to then go to my parent's place, but I just could not bring myself to leave him after our weekend together. He was also asking me to stay one more day and so I did. As respectful as I can be towards Dave, being so close and connected all weekend with him, we lay down, which then turned into a very fulfilling and intimate sexual experience throughout the afternoon. I feel as we take these steps, there are more ties that bond us, connect us, bring us closer together. The thing that makes me feel satisfied about this past weekend, is my best memories are not what we saw or did, it is all the little things that Dave and I shared, those are the memories that keep playing back over and over in my mind as I think of our trip. Okay, actually I wouldn't mind going to see the strippers again... oh I'm just kidding people... well sort of! ;)
It was awesome to be traveling together, I have never had someone that I could share these experiences with before. Being in the gay village there was also no awkward moments of who we were to each other, everyone got it right away. Dave is a little brat in that he likes to make me feel a bit uncomfortable at times, just for a joke. When we first started dating, we began this little ritual where we always kiss before we eat. He kept daring me to kiss him in the restaurants before we ate, I surprised him by doing it, I hoped by giving in he would grow tired of teasing me that way but it only made him worse. It almost caused a bit of a red face for me when he was trying to get me to kiss him behind a stained glass door of an old church we were touring through, later we discovered that not only was it not hidden away, but that actually dozens of devout Easter church goers were looking out through the windows of that door. That was a close call, I just had visions of being chased by people with crosses and holy water.
Sex shops, they really are a lot of fun to shop in and now extra fun because I had Dave with me. I think the best part is when there are other customers in there and they are completely serious in their discussions of which harness or rubber suit is the best. The 'dildo wall', I always think "ouch" when I look at that! Really, some of them are so big that I think the guy must be getting ready to park a small car in there to save garage space. Dave would not let me buy a whip, and what is worse, it was on sale! I mean where else are you going to find a good whip at 40% off! To be honest I could not tell what most things would get used for, I became a little frightened. I wanted a funny T-shirt but actually I could not find a funny one, most were just vulgar. We ended up not actually buying anything. We also looked in gay DVD shops, they were mostly just porn which is sad really, they are missing a chance to sell gay movies which can be so hard to get some times. Our B&B was right off 'The Village', so we took a break and came back to rest. The room was nice and warm, being in a gay friendly environment and with most of the guests out, caused me to become suddenly really... well raunchy, much to Dave's shock and delight, so we had a bit of fun at noon to help the day along, there was that excitement of being in a strange place.
The food was pretty good, even just going to a sandwich shop, you were given a bit extra attention to taste. The dance clubs were slow and empty as most are early in the night. I looked at Dave and smiled, he knew what I wanted to do. I have never been to a strip club in my life. My friends always have tried to get me to go but of course they were straight clubs, I just have zero interest in watching women strip. I am not into that sort of thing, I know it is using people and not adding to my growth as a person but it is just an experience that I wanted to try. I tried it, I liked it so much that we tried two other different places! To be honest, since I never played on any sports teams or have any brothers, I have not seen many guys naked in real life. We sat right up close to the stage, I wanted to, my bad. The first guy out was dressed as a cowboy, now he did not have a horse between his legs but he certainly looked like he had part of the horse between his legs! The next guy out was a total cute hottie, I am sure he is straight and I remember thinking, 'wow I am about to get to see this guy naked'. He was hung, no let me rephrase that, he was huuung, I did not think they could get that big. He had the total package, handsome looks, cute body and good dance moves. One guy came so close, that I whispered to Dave to cover our drinks as not to get any hair in them. The only thing I did not like, was I did not know the strippers come out and constantly try to get you to buy a private dance with them, it became a bit annoying at times, some were polite about it, some were pushy. Things were going fine until one guy reached down and began to caress Dave's hair and face, I instantly thought of using my beer bottle as an instrument for amputation, meow-rrrreeeeow! We stayed there and drooled... um I mean watched for a while, then we when to get dinner.
After Dave asked me if I wanted to try one of the dance clubs, it was only ten so they were still pretty much empty, he asked if I wanted to try another strip club, I was shocked, I could not believe he asked me that, well of course I wanted to try another strip club! The next one we went to was not as good as the first, the guys were really young or young looking so I kept thinking I wanted to give them bath robes. A few older looking guys came on and after they danced we left. We wandered around for a while, I wanted to grab something sweet to eat but I also needed to use a washroom so bad I thought I would explode. I had become pee-shy in all the strip clubs so of course I was not able to go. Dave and I laugh about this all the time, because he is the same way. We stopped into a Mc's to use their washroom, (it is the only thing I will ever do there, I never eat there) we were reminded that we are in a gay village by the people waiting to get served. A lot were in leather but the one that made us both smile was the old man dressed totally in a shiny, skin tight, rubber suit. It was cute to see that he was completely comfortable with himself and that no one really noticed him.
We tried to get into the dance club but by now there was a line up down the street (where did all these people come from) and we could see it was now full. I was a little ticked that you could tell there were a lot of straight couples waiting to get in as well, I know it is nice that they support the gay dance clubs but they have so many of their own clubs where gay people do not feel welcomed. Dave asked if I wanted to wait over half an hour in the freezing wind or try another strip club. I did not really want to try another strip club with hot naked guys dancing but I thought it would not be fair to those guys if I did not give them a chance and go to their club as well. Reluctantly I decided to go see more cute naked men. This third place had good looking guys more like the first place, we stayed for an hour or so and then left. There was still a line at the dance club so we decided to head back and pack it in for the night, it was so cold out and we were tired. Turning in for the night, I said to Dave, "this proves we are getting old" both in bed by one AM and going to sleep instead of rocking the bed posts.
The next day we had a nice time talking with the other guests at the B&B, later we did some sightseeing around the city and by noon we decided to head home. When we returned to Dave's house I was suppose to then go to my parent's place, but I just could not bring myself to leave him after our weekend together. He was also asking me to stay one more day and so I did. As respectful as I can be towards Dave, being so close and connected all weekend with him, we lay down, which then turned into a very fulfilling and intimate sexual experience throughout the afternoon. I feel as we take these steps, there are more ties that bond us, connect us, bring us closer together. The thing that makes me feel satisfied about this past weekend, is my best memories are not what we saw or did, it is all the little things that Dave and I shared, those are the memories that keep playing back over and over in my mind as I think of our trip. Okay, actually I wouldn't mind going to see the strippers again... oh I'm just kidding people... well sort of! ;)
Friday, March 21, 2008
Someone Is On My Path
For those of you who celebrate Easter in one way or another, I want to wish you a Happy Easter and to enjoy a good long weekend. For the many people in Canada and the Northern States who are suffering under this constant snow assault, just hang in there we are getting closer to a real spring..... I hope! Easter with the message of renewal, hope, life awakening and returning from the death of sin or winter, depending on your belief system, is a good time to reflect, pray, worship. I always see spring as a new beginning, to me it is the New Year.
Dave and I have decided to go away together for the weekend, we are going to a larger city with a better gay night-life, heck they even have a gay day-life! I'll try to get pictures and put them up. I am actually quite excited about this, going with another gay person to take in some gay culture. It is so nice not to have to go through things like this alone anymore. That is one of the really cool things about Dave, not only is he my boyfriend, he is also a really good friend. We are both easy going people, so if one of us points out a hot stud, the other is comfortable enough to say 'yeah he is a hot stud' and it is just left at that, we both know it has no other meaning. I always believed that would be important in a relationship, lovers but best friends as well. This will also be another mile stone for me, first time going away on a trip together. I have mostly travelled alone before or with family but never with a boyfriend. My first and only other boyfriend and I hardly had time to see each other in the first place, let alone getting to go away together. Sometimes it is hard for me to be in a relationship after being alone for so long, I often find that I need my 'down time' or 'alone time' to recharge, if that makes sense. Dave understands and has no problem with it, as I said before he is down to earth and we can work through most things so far. I am getting use to the idea of being part of a couple however, and I find that I can't be away from him too long. If I don't see him for a few days I quickly become on edge, lonely and feeling down at the same time. I am part of a couple now and it catches my breath so many times, while on this path of life, that I can look back and see I am no longer walking alone, that with a big smile on his face, someone is walking on my path as well now.
Dave and I have decided to go away together for the weekend, we are going to a larger city with a better gay night-life, heck they even have a gay day-life! I'll try to get pictures and put them up. I am actually quite excited about this, going with another gay person to take in some gay culture. It is so nice not to have to go through things like this alone anymore. That is one of the really cool things about Dave, not only is he my boyfriend, he is also a really good friend. We are both easy going people, so if one of us points out a hot stud, the other is comfortable enough to say 'yeah he is a hot stud' and it is just left at that, we both know it has no other meaning. I always believed that would be important in a relationship, lovers but best friends as well. This will also be another mile stone for me, first time going away on a trip together. I have mostly travelled alone before or with family but never with a boyfriend. My first and only other boyfriend and I hardly had time to see each other in the first place, let alone getting to go away together. Sometimes it is hard for me to be in a relationship after being alone for so long, I often find that I need my 'down time' or 'alone time' to recharge, if that makes sense. Dave understands and has no problem with it, as I said before he is down to earth and we can work through most things so far. I am getting use to the idea of being part of a couple however, and I find that I can't be away from him too long. If I don't see him for a few days I quickly become on edge, lonely and feeling down at the same time. I am part of a couple now and it catches my breath so many times, while on this path of life, that I can look back and see I am no longer walking alone, that with a big smile on his face, someone is walking on my path as well now.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Just Out Is Not Born Yesterday!
Dear Mr married man, eeewwww! I know what you are up to! When I wrote in my ad (months ago) that I am just coming out and new to this scene, it did not mean that I was born yesterday or just fell off the truck! I received an email the other day from someone that had contacted me before I met Dave, I'll call this guy 'Jeffrey'. It was through the same ad that Dave found me. I was clear in that I was new to the scene, that I wanted to get to know the person first, that more could develop later if we hit it off. I had received an email from Jeffery back in January a few days after I placed the ad, he also said that he was new to the gay scene, was a little younger than me, felt a lot in common with me and wanted to meet. I was happy with that reply because by that time I had received a lot of strange emails, actually some were a little scary. He never answered back again after that and I was a little disappointed. I even emailed to ask if I had said something that made him change his mind, still no reply. After that I moved on and began to meet people, thus leading me to find Dave (my honey bunny) and I did not think much of it. The week end where Dave and I finally talked about how we really felt about each other and started to officially date, I received an email from Jeffery again. It was strange, it had been two weeks since he first emailed me, he said that he was very busy with his work and that was why he could not get the time to contact me, that he was still really busy and that another email was coming my way, plus he is married. I was with Dave so I just ignored the email. Even if he was not married I would not answer him, how much time would it have taken for him to send a few emails in two weeks!
The married thing is not a shock to me anymore, I have been contacted by many married men looking to start a 'buddy' relationship. I guess they figure that someone just coming out, wanting to remain low key, would be more in line with their thinking. I used to get upset with that but now I just roll with it. I do not mind the guys who are honest up front about it, at least that gives me the chance to say no that is not what I am looking for. I don't like the ones that meet you and then tell you, it is not right to start that chemistry and then hope that they can hook me first and then tell me. I do feel a bit sorry for them if they are gay and got married out of fear (that could have been me) or bi and confused. I feel they need to work out where they will fit into life and hope no one gets hurt in the process. I can't judge because as a gay man I understand the constant pressure that people feel and are subjected to everyday to get married by their family and friends. I just happened to be lucky in that my parents never involved themselves in my personal life as far as who I dated or did not date, I had many uncles and aunts that did not marry until late in life or not at all, so it is normal in my family to be single.
After all this time, with Dave and I together as a couple, I received another email from Jeffery. This must have been the one he promised over a month ago. I think he really revealed himself this time. He said that he kept thinking about the email I sent, he said he found me to be genuine and funny, that he was sorry for leaving me hanging. He then said that even though he has never done this before, he does not have a lot of time for small talk, he thought we should "jump right in" meet and start having sex I guess, wow very brave for a guy that has never been with another guy before. He did not want to pressure me but wanted to know what I was doing this weekend, when we could meet and send him my picture. He went on to say he hoped his email did not creep me out but that he would make me feel amazing, really how would a first time guy know what would happen. Finally to show me that he was just a normal down to earth guy, he sent me a picture, with no shirt on, in what looks like a steam room or pool. First let me say yes he is not bad looking, just that he looks very gay-ish and not at all like a straight married guy looking to experiment, but most of all he also looks... well scary. I emailed the pic to a buddy, and without any coaching he became frightened of the picture and deleted it, mostly because of the eyes, he also thought that he reminded him of a very 'nasty' man who I shall not name but I was thinking of the same 'bad person' thus I called him 'Jeffery' in this post, yes that 'heads in the freezer Jeffery'!
Well, really here is what I am thinking, if he is married I think it might be to another guy, or to a woman that is not the sharpest tool in the shed. I don't believe this would be his first man on man experience, I think he has been with more men than any skank you could name in Hollywood. I think his other free call boys were busy this weekend (or he buried them all in his basement) so he had to go back through his list of emails to find a 'f*** buddy' for the weekend, probably because the wife is suddenly going away. I don't think he is so busy that he can't email, I think he has others on the go and only became friendly when they probably told him to take a hike (or were buried) and he needed to make new contacts. My friend and I know for sure he can't be younger than us, he has more wrinkles on his forehead than a Sharpie dog! This email offended me so much, it was so sleazy and it's intent to clearly take advantage of a lonely person just coming out makes me sick. When I compare the guy I found who loves me so much, that I feel like I am in a Disney fairy tale at times ('fairy' tale hahaha, that is funny), to this sneaky, sleazy, slime ball, they are just two worlds apart. I am not going to respond to his email, it is not worth the effort, but I would almost like to write back and say, I know what you are trying to do, I know that you want and just because I am newly out, does not mean I was born yesterday!
The married thing is not a shock to me anymore, I have been contacted by many married men looking to start a 'buddy' relationship. I guess they figure that someone just coming out, wanting to remain low key, would be more in line with their thinking. I used to get upset with that but now I just roll with it. I do not mind the guys who are honest up front about it, at least that gives me the chance to say no that is not what I am looking for. I don't like the ones that meet you and then tell you, it is not right to start that chemistry and then hope that they can hook me first and then tell me. I do feel a bit sorry for them if they are gay and got married out of fear (that could have been me) or bi and confused. I feel they need to work out where they will fit into life and hope no one gets hurt in the process. I can't judge because as a gay man I understand the constant pressure that people feel and are subjected to everyday to get married by their family and friends. I just happened to be lucky in that my parents never involved themselves in my personal life as far as who I dated or did not date, I had many uncles and aunts that did not marry until late in life or not at all, so it is normal in my family to be single.
After all this time, with Dave and I together as a couple, I received another email from Jeffery. This must have been the one he promised over a month ago. I think he really revealed himself this time. He said that he kept thinking about the email I sent, he said he found me to be genuine and funny, that he was sorry for leaving me hanging. He then said that even though he has never done this before, he does not have a lot of time for small talk, he thought we should "jump right in" meet and start having sex I guess, wow very brave for a guy that has never been with another guy before. He did not want to pressure me but wanted to know what I was doing this weekend, when we could meet and send him my picture. He went on to say he hoped his email did not creep me out but that he would make me feel amazing, really how would a first time guy know what would happen. Finally to show me that he was just a normal down to earth guy, he sent me a picture, with no shirt on, in what looks like a steam room or pool. First let me say yes he is not bad looking, just that he looks very gay-ish and not at all like a straight married guy looking to experiment, but most of all he also looks... well scary. I emailed the pic to a buddy, and without any coaching he became frightened of the picture and deleted it, mostly because of the eyes, he also thought that he reminded him of a very 'nasty' man who I shall not name but I was thinking of the same 'bad person' thus I called him 'Jeffery' in this post, yes that 'heads in the freezer Jeffery'!
Well, really here is what I am thinking, if he is married I think it might be to another guy, or to a woman that is not the sharpest tool in the shed. I don't believe this would be his first man on man experience, I think he has been with more men than any skank you could name in Hollywood. I think his other free call boys were busy this weekend (or he buried them all in his basement) so he had to go back through his list of emails to find a 'f*** buddy' for the weekend, probably because the wife is suddenly going away. I don't think he is so busy that he can't email, I think he has others on the go and only became friendly when they probably told him to take a hike (or were buried) and he needed to make new contacts. My friend and I know for sure he can't be younger than us, he has more wrinkles on his forehead than a Sharpie dog! This email offended me so much, it was so sleazy and it's intent to clearly take advantage of a lonely person just coming out makes me sick. When I compare the guy I found who loves me so much, that I feel like I am in a Disney fairy tale at times ('fairy' tale hahaha, that is funny), to this sneaky, sleazy, slime ball, they are just two worlds apart. I am not going to respond to his email, it is not worth the effort, but I would almost like to write back and say, I know what you are trying to do, I know that you want and just because I am newly out, does not mean I was born yesterday!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I'm Sorry, I Never Got Your Name!
This morning I returned to my place from a nice evening with Dave, (one where he gave me roses with a card telling me what I meant to him and yes I guess that is a very gay thing to do, one guy giving another guy red roses but still it touched me deeply, okay I'll stay away from that mushy stuff this time). The thing that sent me into shock was 'noooooooo don't go' my neighbour was moving out. Yes he is actually a cute little guy, handsome, probably around only 5'6 or 5'7, blond, blue eyes, about 30-ish but also very straight. The real reason I like this guy so much is that he was such a good neighbour. In the five years that I have been here, he has never had a wild party, never had a loud argument or blasted his music past ten. He was also very clean and tidy. I like my apartment because it is a good size but the problem is the walls are very thin. This allows me to hear the people on the other side of my apartment who are not quiet and love drama, so I knew how bad things could get if he was a loud person as well. The important thing was that his apartment was next to my bed room, so quiet is gooood! The only time that he made any noise was when his girlfriend came over, but judging from how long he could last and that he could go more than once a night, I was more impressed by him than annoyed.
The strange thing about being in the city that I find as a former country boy, is that people don't want to be bothered with each other. The result is that I have lived next to this guy for more than five years and never knew his name. Part of me finds that sad, however he seemed to like to keep to himself and I wanted to give him all the respect that I felt he deserved by never bothering him. I always thought I should take the time to just let him know that I appreciate his efforts not to intrude on others people's lives. Maybe he is like me and just shy, maybe he needed me to break the ice. I never got that courage and today as I brought in groceries I wondered if I should say something before he is gone for good, maybe he could care less, maybe it would make his day, he should be told that others noticed his efforts. I always have visions of some rapper-dude, college kid moving in who likes to party all night while blasting music, now I worry what is going to move in after he is gone. Time is running out, I know he will be gone soon, almost all of his stuff is in the truck. I thought maybe I could make a joke out of it and say something like 'oh no you are the quiet neighbor, don't go!' He walks past me but I just could not do it, as I brought in my last bags, I heard him say 'that is everything' he locked his door for the last time and left. He drove away with the moving van, and I left that line of thank you open forever. Strange to live next to someone and not know a single thing about them, I feel a little like I have failed as a member of society somehow. After he left I could not help think, I still never even got his name.
The strange thing about being in the city that I find as a former country boy, is that people don't want to be bothered with each other. The result is that I have lived next to this guy for more than five years and never knew his name. Part of me finds that sad, however he seemed to like to keep to himself and I wanted to give him all the respect that I felt he deserved by never bothering him. I always thought I should take the time to just let him know that I appreciate his efforts not to intrude on others people's lives. Maybe he is like me and just shy, maybe he needed me to break the ice. I never got that courage and today as I brought in groceries I wondered if I should say something before he is gone for good, maybe he could care less, maybe it would make his day, he should be told that others noticed his efforts. I always have visions of some rapper-dude, college kid moving in who likes to party all night while blasting music, now I worry what is going to move in after he is gone. Time is running out, I know he will be gone soon, almost all of his stuff is in the truck. I thought maybe I could make a joke out of it and say something like 'oh no you are the quiet neighbor, don't go!' He walks past me but I just could not do it, as I brought in my last bags, I heard him say 'that is everything' he locked his door for the last time and left. He drove away with the moving van, and I left that line of thank you open forever. Strange to live next to someone and not know a single thing about them, I feel a little like I have failed as a member of society somehow. After he left I could not help think, I still never even got his name.
Friday, March 14, 2008
How Did I Get Here?
Last week Dave and I were watching a movie together, during a boring part of the film my mind wandered off and I began to realize the awesome moment I was having. Here we were, lying on his couch together, me leaning back on him, wrapped in his arms. It was a little overwhelming for a few minutes and I actually had to concentrate to not tear up over it. How did I finally get here, what led me to take the steps and follow the path I was so afraid of.
Two years ago I was so lost, I would not even say the words "I am gay" out loud in case they began to travel on their own, getting louder and louder until the entire world would hear them. I did everything I could to play the part, the straight guy part that is. If I screwed up then I knew for sure it would be on the front page of the local paper, after that no one would talk to me, I would lose all my family and friends and life would pretty much be over. I felt sick inside, I was ashamed of being gay but no matter how long I waited, prayed or tried to forget about it, my being gay would not go away. I decided to go the other way, to try and accept it but I just did not know how to go about it. I felt a huge disconnect to the gay community, or as I know now, the louder part of the gay community that the media likes to show so that it can rake in viewers and readers. At the time I was not aware of the many other sides to the gay community, the many places for everyone to fit into. I have passed two mile stones in the last month that I want to share with you, two very important mile stones that really helped me get here.
When I first was trying to find out about gay life, everything seemed to lead me either to safe sex articles or gay porn. I wanted more out of gay life than just sex, I wanted to feel whole, completed in some way, I wanted a relationship. Flipping through gay sites one day I happen to come upon a gay blog, I sort of knew what a blog was and there were video clips of this person's life with his boyfriend. I opened one clip and was blown away by it, there was no porn, the guys seemed very normal, both were actually very handsome but the thing that really got to me was how they interacted with each other. I could see they were in love, they were joking around, doing something so normal as dipping cookies into peanut butter and ending the clip with trying to get it onto each other by kissing. Just two guys playing around and I just sat there soaking it all in. I thought that is what I want in life, to come home to someone who loves me, talk about our day, play around, be a couple, a loving couple and sex would just be an added bonus to this kind of relationship, not the main pillar to it. I began to read and follow this person's blog. I was very interested in his stories about his relationship, about his life. One day feeling very alone I sent him an email, as soon as I hit 'send' I regretted sending it, what if he thought I was pathetic, what if he said I was spineless for being in the closet, what if he thought I was letting other gay people down by hiding.
The reply I received was so welcoming, so understanding, so open and he made me feel at ease right away. He was extremely kind and I finally felt that I had started a connection with some one in the gay world. It was also safe for me, he was miles away and he never asked me for any information, he was very respectful to my situation. He was much younger than me but was wise beyond his years. I found a great sounding board to bounce ideas off of. Last week it had been two years since I first contacted him. I will forever be grateful for his blog friendship and I can't tell you how much this kid helped me get onto my right path. Some days now I feel bad about all the times I wrote to him because of a self caused crisis, when he had his own problems to solve, but he was always ready with a reply to help me work out my thoughts. Things may not be working out for him the way he would like at the moment, but I hope soon they will turn around as I will always have a soft spot him.
The second event was a one year mark of a friendship I made that is very important to me. I met him through his blog as well, we were in the exact same place in life and it was so good to find someone to be confused together with. We emailed and chatted everyday and eventually I began to feel good about being gay, I kept thinking if a good guy like him is gay, then it must be okay for me to be gay as well. It helped a lot to find we had the same fears, doubts and questions. We laughed about things that we both found gross about gay culture/sex and talked about wanting romance in a relationship. This friendship gave me the strength to feel good about who I am, to start to come out, to start a blog of my own, to move on and meet people, to finally find the right guy, to the relationship I am in today. I consider him as close to me as my real world friends like Eric, B or Elly, I will never let this friendship go, I love my blog buddy!
I have made many friends through my blog and you know who you are, you are all important to me, many of you have helped me greatly and often you got panicked emails from me from time to time, I have found each of you has a special gift to offer me from advise to humour so I don't want to make anyone feel left out. I did want to acknowledge these two 'blog friend anniversaries' mostly because through their support they really helped me feel comfortable enough to let me become me, and that started Steven on his path, to finally end up watching a movie in the arms of a great guy.
Okay who are these guys? I feel kind of bad bringing up their names since I did not warn them but I want the blog world to know I am so thankful for their friendships, thank you guys.
1) The BRAT who first had to put up with my ignorance and being afraid of my own gay shadow, but helped me so much!
2) My BUDDY who secretly helped me plot against the straight world and shared in the feeling that we were hovering between the two realities!
Two years ago I was so lost, I would not even say the words "I am gay" out loud in case they began to travel on their own, getting louder and louder until the entire world would hear them. I did everything I could to play the part, the straight guy part that is. If I screwed up then I knew for sure it would be on the front page of the local paper, after that no one would talk to me, I would lose all my family and friends and life would pretty much be over. I felt sick inside, I was ashamed of being gay but no matter how long I waited, prayed or tried to forget about it, my being gay would not go away. I decided to go the other way, to try and accept it but I just did not know how to go about it. I felt a huge disconnect to the gay community, or as I know now, the louder part of the gay community that the media likes to show so that it can rake in viewers and readers. At the time I was not aware of the many other sides to the gay community, the many places for everyone to fit into. I have passed two mile stones in the last month that I want to share with you, two very important mile stones that really helped me get here.
When I first was trying to find out about gay life, everything seemed to lead me either to safe sex articles or gay porn. I wanted more out of gay life than just sex, I wanted to feel whole, completed in some way, I wanted a relationship. Flipping through gay sites one day I happen to come upon a gay blog, I sort of knew what a blog was and there were video clips of this person's life with his boyfriend. I opened one clip and was blown away by it, there was no porn, the guys seemed very normal, both were actually very handsome but the thing that really got to me was how they interacted with each other. I could see they were in love, they were joking around, doing something so normal as dipping cookies into peanut butter and ending the clip with trying to get it onto each other by kissing. Just two guys playing around and I just sat there soaking it all in. I thought that is what I want in life, to come home to someone who loves me, talk about our day, play around, be a couple, a loving couple and sex would just be an added bonus to this kind of relationship, not the main pillar to it. I began to read and follow this person's blog. I was very interested in his stories about his relationship, about his life. One day feeling very alone I sent him an email, as soon as I hit 'send' I regretted sending it, what if he thought I was pathetic, what if he said I was spineless for being in the closet, what if he thought I was letting other gay people down by hiding.
The reply I received was so welcoming, so understanding, so open and he made me feel at ease right away. He was extremely kind and I finally felt that I had started a connection with some one in the gay world. It was also safe for me, he was miles away and he never asked me for any information, he was very respectful to my situation. He was much younger than me but was wise beyond his years. I found a great sounding board to bounce ideas off of. Last week it had been two years since I first contacted him. I will forever be grateful for his blog friendship and I can't tell you how much this kid helped me get onto my right path. Some days now I feel bad about all the times I wrote to him because of a self caused crisis, when he had his own problems to solve, but he was always ready with a reply to help me work out my thoughts. Things may not be working out for him the way he would like at the moment, but I hope soon they will turn around as I will always have a soft spot him.
The second event was a one year mark of a friendship I made that is very important to me. I met him through his blog as well, we were in the exact same place in life and it was so good to find someone to be confused together with. We emailed and chatted everyday and eventually I began to feel good about being gay, I kept thinking if a good guy like him is gay, then it must be okay for me to be gay as well. It helped a lot to find we had the same fears, doubts and questions. We laughed about things that we both found gross about gay culture/sex and talked about wanting romance in a relationship. This friendship gave me the strength to feel good about who I am, to start to come out, to start a blog of my own, to move on and meet people, to finally find the right guy, to the relationship I am in today. I consider him as close to me as my real world friends like Eric, B or Elly, I will never let this friendship go, I love my blog buddy!
I have made many friends through my blog and you know who you are, you are all important to me, many of you have helped me greatly and often you got panicked emails from me from time to time, I have found each of you has a special gift to offer me from advise to humour so I don't want to make anyone feel left out. I did want to acknowledge these two 'blog friend anniversaries' mostly because through their support they really helped me feel comfortable enough to let me become me, and that started Steven on his path, to finally end up watching a movie in the arms of a great guy.
Okay who are these guys? I feel kind of bad bringing up their names since I did not warn them but I want the blog world to know I am so thankful for their friendships, thank you guys.
1) The BRAT who first had to put up with my ignorance and being afraid of my own gay shadow, but helped me so much!
2) My BUDDY who secretly helped me plot against the straight world and shared in the feeling that we were hovering between the two realities!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Rescued One Month
Well people, one month down and hopefully the rest of our lives to go. It is hard for me to believe but it has been one month since I swallowed my shyness and asked Dave to kiss me, best move I ever made. That just goes to show it is true when they say to go for something that you want in life, or least try. Dave and I are getting very comfortable with one another, he is pretty much the person that he first presented to me and that is a good thing. How many times have people started a relationship (gay or straight) only to find out the guy was a jerk and just kept it hidden long enough to hook the other person into the relationship. My guy still is the easy going man I fell in love with, maybe a little less serious than I first thought he was, and a lot more playful which to me is honestly a bonus, I like a man with a sense of humour.
He genuinely really loves me, sometimes his attraction to me is so intense that I find it a little scary, partly I think it is because I am new to dating but for now I'll just relax, appreciate it and let things take their course. The times he goes out of his way for me, the details that he stores in his head about me, only to be used later to please me or as a sign of affection, make me feel so wanted that it takes my breath away. I am lucky, I am living in a romantic comedy where every day he does something so sweet for me, but some how we end up laughing until the tears come. This is everything that I wanted but thought I would never have. Dave makes me think of that song 'When A Man Loves A Woman,' only with the gay twist regarding our relationship. I think of the man in the song who will do anything for his woman and no one can come between them. Dave makes me feel that way, I clearly see it every time I am with him, his number one priority is me, not in just words but in actions. I don't ask for this, I don't expect or demand it, this is just how he is when in love and it makes me dizzy when I think the person making him this way is me. We are finding that we have a lot in common regarding how we were raised, things we like and dislike, what we want out of this. We can talk about any subject, we are becoming good friends besides being boyfriends and I think that is important to any relationship.
I really feel Dave rescued me, I had given up on finding love, on finding romance, on finding a guy that was more interested in a relationship than sex. I honestly believed that all those good men were already part of a couple and that I would have to pick through the guys that mostly wanted one night stands. He restored my faith in love, in commitment, in a connection between two people. I understand this is all new to me and that in a few months we may realize that a relationship between us will not work. I also know I probably would still have a good friend out of this, however mostly it would show me to hold out and search for that right person, not to give up and give in to what is easy.
I hope anyone reading this who is single, will set their mind to meeting someone. It certainly is true that it will probably happen when you least expect it, just go with it but be smart enough to get out if something does not feel right. Most of all I want you to be happy also, if I can find someone then so can you and sometimes, just maybe that knight does ride up on a white horse to rescue you.
He genuinely really loves me, sometimes his attraction to me is so intense that I find it a little scary, partly I think it is because I am new to dating but for now I'll just relax, appreciate it and let things take their course. The times he goes out of his way for me, the details that he stores in his head about me, only to be used later to please me or as a sign of affection, make me feel so wanted that it takes my breath away. I am lucky, I am living in a romantic comedy where every day he does something so sweet for me, but some how we end up laughing until the tears come. This is everything that I wanted but thought I would never have. Dave makes me think of that song 'When A Man Loves A Woman,' only with the gay twist regarding our relationship. I think of the man in the song who will do anything for his woman and no one can come between them. Dave makes me feel that way, I clearly see it every time I am with him, his number one priority is me, not in just words but in actions. I don't ask for this, I don't expect or demand it, this is just how he is when in love and it makes me dizzy when I think the person making him this way is me. We are finding that we have a lot in common regarding how we were raised, things we like and dislike, what we want out of this. We can talk about any subject, we are becoming good friends besides being boyfriends and I think that is important to any relationship.
I really feel Dave rescued me, I had given up on finding love, on finding romance, on finding a guy that was more interested in a relationship than sex. I honestly believed that all those good men were already part of a couple and that I would have to pick through the guys that mostly wanted one night stands. He restored my faith in love, in commitment, in a connection between two people. I understand this is all new to me and that in a few months we may realize that a relationship between us will not work. I also know I probably would still have a good friend out of this, however mostly it would show me to hold out and search for that right person, not to give up and give in to what is easy.
I hope anyone reading this who is single, will set their mind to meeting someone. It certainly is true that it will probably happen when you least expect it, just go with it but be smart enough to get out if something does not feel right. Most of all I want you to be happy also, if I can find someone then so can you and sometimes, just maybe that knight does ride up on a white horse to rescue you.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Madame Flu
The reason for my silence is I met Madame Flu last week. Oh she seemed harmless at first, almost funny really. She tickled my nose, then my throat, I told her to stop with some cough-drops. She asked me with a slight warning in her voice, 'sweety you didn't happen to get your flu shot this year did you'. That is when our relationship changed, that is when she became a woman scorned. Before I knew it she grabbed me and flipped me on my back with some exact ninja move, this left me stunned, weak, dizzy. 'Tried to get away from me did you' she sneered, 'well we will see about that'. She sent her punishments, stuffed up nose, pounding head, aching limbs and back, these banished me to my bed. I tried to take medication to ease the effects. 'What is this', she screamed into my throbbing head, 'pills to weaken my assault, oh you will pay now little man, mama flu is going to make you her bitch'! Grabbing me by the hair she drags me into the washroom throwing me into a heap on the floor, not having the strength to get up, I hear her laugh. 'Greasy food' I think to myself what is she doing, 'raw dough, sour milk, rotten eggs, swallowing lumps in your coffee', oh no stop, I know what you are doing! Her evil cackle tells me it is too late, 'bow I tell you, bow to the porcelain alter, bow for trying to defeat me, bow for going against me, bow to ask for my forgiveness'! She drags me back to bed where I lay in wait for her next torture and they come often. I try to fight her with rest, it is my only weapon against this evil Queen of sickness. Nothing will stay down, nothing will stay in. She thinks of new ways to torment me, sudden fevers that burn me out of my bed, then followed with chills that send me crawling back for the covers. Heat rashes that itch and spread, pain behind the eyes, pain in my muscles, pain in places I did not even know I had. I feel like my plug has been pulled out, energy drained, I am her bitch, she is winning, she owns me for three days and I am at a loss as what to do.
I search in my head, I have met this lady (who is no lady) before, the only thing that will beat her evil cunning, is the love of another caring woman. That is it, I think of my last hero who saved me from this villain before, I think "what would Mom tell me to do if she were here!" I go to the fridge and get out the ginger-ale. Madame Flu shrieks, 'what are you doing, no you don't want that, put it back!' I take the refreshing sip, 'no put it back you really just want to barrrrrf, come on Steve she pleads, think barrrrrrf, rrrrrrrrrrrrraalph, puuuuuuuke! Think of over cooked greasy bacon and eggs, half a worm in your apple, food from McDonald's, blaaaah'! Her tricks are not working, later I try the crackers, then as the day progresses I try soup, if she makes me angry enough I may give her the jello treatment! She comes at me with more fevers but they are not as strong as before, her grip is loosening and she begins to let go....however very slowly!
Well pretty much that is where I have been since last Saturday, I hope everyone else out there is doing fine, however if you were hit with this bug... oh I so understand your pain!
I search in my head, I have met this lady (who is no lady) before, the only thing that will beat her evil cunning, is the love of another caring woman. That is it, I think of my last hero who saved me from this villain before, I think "what would Mom tell me to do if she were here!" I go to the fridge and get out the ginger-ale. Madame Flu shrieks, 'what are you doing, no you don't want that, put it back!' I take the refreshing sip, 'no put it back you really just want to barrrrrf, come on Steve she pleads, think barrrrrrf, rrrrrrrrrrrrraalph, puuuuuuuke! Think of over cooked greasy bacon and eggs, half a worm in your apple, food from McDonald's, blaaaah'! Her tricks are not working, later I try the crackers, then as the day progresses I try soup, if she makes me angry enough I may give her the jello treatment! She comes at me with more fevers but they are not as strong as before, her grip is loosening and she begins to let go....however very slowly!
Well pretty much that is where I have been since last Saturday, I hope everyone else out there is doing fine, however if you were hit with this bug... oh I so understand your pain!
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