Goodbye Febrrrruary.

 Last day of February or Febrrruary, actually thanks to global warming the last week has been bearable. December and January were insanely cold and that plays with a person's mind a little. February was normal but everyone was waiting to be smacked down again by subzero temperatures. Luckily that didn't happen, the temperature now is similar to what we get at the end of March. I know we are not out of the woods yet, so to speak. March can be its own disaster but at least only one more month until spring starts to take shape.

 I look at the calendar and feel relief that spring is on its way, we made it through another winter but at the same time I am thinking how is this possible. It feels like three weeks ago a local radio station was excited because it was November twenty-fifth, time to start playing Christmas music, now it's been two months since Christmas already? Dr Spo reminded me of the word zenosyne, the feeling that time is speeding up as we get older. I never was a fan of winter, it always felt like winter dragged on for about two years for me, now I find myself wishing it would slow down because at this pace it will be fall again in two weeks. Well actually I won't miss February, the feeling is more along the lines of, goodbye February don't let the door hit your behind on the way out.

Fun until an eye gets poked.

 You know that old saying, friends with benefits is all fun and games until someone puts an eye out. Maybe I mixed my sayings, that doesn't sound right, I guess that would have to be some pretty wild and kinky sex. Actually I heard that a friends with benefits situation usually doesn't work. I guess there are two types, one would be friends that were comfortable enough with each other to engage in this type of relationship, the other would be meeting up with someone to start this type of relationship. I did the second, well sort of, it wasn't my intention to just meet for sex but it worked out that way, it was a lot of fun at first but soon I realized that we had nothing else in common other than having sex. The second thing that happened was he quickly fell in love with me or at least he was infatuated with me. He was a nice guy but at the same time he wasn't. He was also no where near the type of guy, personality wise, that I would date. This complicated things so I ended it, mostly because I'm not heartless, I hated the way I was making him feel.

 I heard as well, that many times when good friends become involved, one friend is usually secretly in love with the other person, they are hoping that after becoming involved the other person will return those feelings and a relationship will start. I think maybe the opposite happens, I think all the little things that keep you from loving your friend, are the little things that build over time and make you really not want to date that person. Maybe that's why a lot of guys just like one night stands or no strings attached type of sex. I would prefer to be in a relationship but if I can't have that, I could see having the complete opposite, (maybe). Not a stranger but someone that I could trust, just show up and have sex no strings attached. Maybe high five each other and go on our way, ok just kidding about the high five. Maybe that's describing a form of fwb relationship, I'm probably being brave because I am safe behind a keyboard. I don't think I could ever get into a friends with benefits relationship with someone I really liked, I know I would be the one to fall in love with the other person, I think it would be too emotionally dangerous. I am sure that it would make me wonder why that person doesn't want to date me.

 I think it would work out if everyone is on the same page, unfortunately people are not always honest with themselves let alone with a partner. I often didn't feel good about myself on my drive of shame home (lol), I would prefer not to do that again. I'm going to concentrate on a real relationship for now.

Now you see.

 Once upon a time, long long ago, when I was fourteen or fifteen, I remember talking with some of my buddies at school. The conversation was about gay men and homosexuality, like it often was, almost every day, sometimes four or five times a day. My friends were discussing how much they hated gay people, how they would like to beat or kill gay people if they could get away with it and how disgusting gay people were in general. I remember one of my friends, a friend since we were eight years old, saying that he could become friends with a murderer but he could never become friends with someone who is gay.

 Later that night, lying in bed I was really hurt by that statement. In his eyes, my buddy's eyes, I was such filth to him that in society, I was below a killer. I kept saying to myself, "if you only knew, if you only really knew me, you would see it's still just me, I'm not bad, I'm just Steve". I didn't cry, I was good by then to hide emotions like all the teen boys did. My friend was more open minded about things than the other guys, that's why I felt if only there was some way to sit him down and explain homosexuality, that he would eventually get it.

 The following year my friend transferred to another high school and we pretty much went our separate ways. I did have a lunch date with him ten years ago to catch up on what he was up to. He was in a lot of ways the same guy, it had been years since I last saw him but he was easy to talk to. He talked about how backward we were and how ignorant we were of the world. True but also I think we inherited that country politeness. He apologized for any stupid things he may have said, as did I. Our area was very white, we knew and laughed at a lot of not politically correct jokes; however we finally grew up and moved out into the world. I blogged about this meeting when it happened. Then he did something and I feel I know why. Just as I was about to leave, he kept saying, "I've really changed, I am really opened minded, you can say anything to me Steve, anything at all, I'm nothing like I was before". I am pretty sure he suddenly realized that I am gay and was trying to give me an opportunity to tell him. At the time however I was just starting to come out, I don't think I met Dan yet and most friends didn't know. What if I was wrong, I wasn't sure if he was gay positive, what if he acted shocked or laughed at me.

 This past week I decided to check up on him again. He has a business that includes high-end photography. He told me that his bread and butter is weddings. His pictures are gorgeous, they have an artistic flair to them. He tells them up front that he needs creative licence, he doesn't just get them to stand in front of the church and say cheese. His work really shows well, some sets are breathtaking. Many of the clients let him use their weddings as samples online, he wrote some beautiful paragraphs to go along with the photos. I was going through some of the pictures on line and suddenly there it was, he had photographed a gay wedding. It was beautiful, the pictures were great, the couple were very photogenic and the posts he wrote were glowing. He was saying that it was the most fun he ever had because of the sense of humor from the couple. It was so beautiful I was tempted to try and link up, but no, for personal reasons I decided not to.

 This time I cried, just a little, they were happy sniffles because I know now he has a positive view of gay people. He finally knows, he finally sees what I had hoped he one day would. I can finally tell him who I fully am, still just Steve but a little gay too. I want a gay wedding! I want a wedding like those guys, I wouldn't mind if my husband looked like either one of those cute men! The pleasant feeling that really overwhelms me, is the thought that if I do ever get married, not only will I have a soul mate, I can have my childhood friend there cheering me on. Something that I never dreamed could be possible one day.

I'll take boring for now.

 I know as far as the gay culture goes, I am pretty boring. I know that I'm missing out on a lot. I also know that I don't contribute much of anything. Some of this is due to my personality, some due to being lazy, especially in winter, I try to put everything off until spring or summer.

 I am curious about the way other gay men lead their lives. I like to read and watch videos about aspects of the gay culture, the parts of the culture that I would never take part in. One thing I became curious about is the popularity among gay men to mix drugs and sex. I don't personally get the idea, I have heard all the reasons, I guess our head spaces are on different planets.

 I happened to watch some homemade porn videos, the guys were using different types of drugs and having sex. I watched with an open mind, I figured it was probably going to be some pretty uninhibited wild gay sex. I could see the appeal of doing something like that. After a few minutes I noticed something in most of the videos, they were boring. The odd thing was these guys were saying things like "this is f...ing wild" or "f...ing awesome" but what I really saw was a bunch of guys that were so out of it, that they couldn't get hard or couldn't stay hard, all the while saying how hot the sex was because they were too stoned to know the difference. I am not writing this as judgment, it's just me thinking, maybe this is not as fun as you think it is.

 I used to wonder if the hook up and kink lifestyles in the gay culture had something to do with the way we were treated, the way we had to hide, the way we had to live in a very homophobic world. I don't think that way any longer, the new gay generations becoming adults have just as many people on the wild side as the older generations. It's just now the marry and settle down types get to be visible as well. I also am starting to no longer think this is a gay thing, it's a guy thing. There are a lot of straight men into hooking up or bizarre sex, just they were hiding it better until the internet showed up. I think a lot of the behavior is some form of addiction, it's not healthy or maybe I am wrong, maybe that is just their personality.

 It may sound strange but I couldn't help feeling sorry for those guys in the videos, their reality wasn't real. I think they are missing out on life but they wouldn't understand what I mean. They would tell me to f... off and think I am really boring, which I am and from what I saw in some of the videos, I'm ok with that.

Context, Wrong Text!

 A friend sent me a text, "hey that lady Alana is working here". The only Alana I knew was a really strange woman we used to work with years ago, so I answered, "you mean that European woman with one giant eyebrow and she never met a bottle of deodorant that she liked"? I am not being mean, if I was being mean I would have mentioned the cleavage hair. My friend text back doing an lol and said she was trying to text her husband, it was a totally different Alana.

 This led us to joking about text and email mistakes. She often sends me texts that are meant for her husband because our numbers are close. She knows that I want a husband as well so we can openly joke about everything. I asked her to please never send me a naughty text by mistake because it would be traumatic. I should probably mention that she is Asian so as not to sound like we're racists when she text back, that if I ever get a message saying she will love me long time, to just ignore it, that it would be for hubby. She said that actually because her kids like to play on mom and dad's phones, they usually keep all messages G rated. She told me a funny story about her husband thinking of her in a very healthy way one day, he didn't know however that their eight year old daughter was home. My friend was fixing dinner and hears "mommy why is daddy sending you eggplant emoticons"? For those of you who may not know, many eggplant emoticons look like an erection, hence the double meaning. Thinking on her feet like all moms do, she said that she had asked him to try and pick up some from the store, I said good recovery. Then I went on to text that eggplant was on sale and that I really love eggplant just incase her kids see our text, then she really started to lol over me saying that I really love eggplant... because of the double meaning which I didn't think of until I already sent the text, Steven smacks forehead!

 I have to say that I try to be very careful, not because I am wise, because of a mistake I made. This made me think of a situation that happened when I first started dating my last guy. I was really angry with him and we were taking a day off from each other, I was emailing back and forth with a friend called John, I was telling John about what a total jerk my boyfriend was being and how I was going to put my foot down blah, blah, blah! I hit send and the computer informed me that my email had been successful sent to my boyfriend.... O_O ..... I did a double take, a double check and yes I had somehow sent my boyfriend the message. Later we would both laugh about it, he said he knew I was just venting and was glad to see what I was really thinking. This time it worked out but I try to never make it a next time, I don't want one of my managers to accidentally receive an email saying how much I really, really enjoy eggplant.

Strange Steve Facts.

 Many of us have strange quirks, some quirks can be seen by other people, some we hide out of embarrassment and others we just live with. I have one strange trait I want to share, it's odd but it's completely true, I am not making this up.

 It can be just a normal day and maybe I do something very ordinary like call a neighbour for something. I will call Doug but his wife answers and says that Doug just got back from his hockey game with his friend Mike, they grabbed a beer and have gone down to the stables and she says they will just stay there talking about horses for hours, that she will get him to call me when he comes back. I thank her and hang up.

 Sitting down I will start to think about what a pair of hot D.I.L.Fs Mike and Doug are, ruggedly  handsome, typical guy next door good looks. What if they were not just talking about horses, what if Doug glances out the window while taking a sip of his beer. What if upon seeing the coast is clear, he playfully pushes Mike back onto a bale of hay and says something like, "three goals tonight bud, you were hot out there on the ice, but no where near as hot as you looked in your jock when we were changing after". Doug steps closer, both guys give each other a knowing grin. Then they start to kiss and..... and.... and it starts to happen.

 Aaahhchewww! I sneeze, then again aahhhhchewwwww! Uhh, ooh, eyes watering, I shake my head, try to return to my thoughts but the taboo idea of two straight young dads having forbidden gay sex overwhelms me and again an even more powerful sneeze, ahhhCHEWWW.... blasts out with enough power to extinguish a small forest fire, I have a slight spasm and give up. What the hey is that about??? It's like some little Angel is standing around and suddenly says, "oh no you don't buster, Doug and Mike are good guys, no dirty thoughts from you"! Then I am sprinkled with magic sneezing dust until I give up. Trust me, this is even too strange for me to make up, it's like I'm having sneezegasms! There you have it, a secret that I have only shared with members of the blog community, now don't you feel privileged.

Now it's your turn.

 I am not one to admire fame, I don't look at any actor or singer as some sort of hero or god. To be honest, I almost see them in a reverse light. I get annoyed by the way some will try to interfere with the livelihoods of regular every day people. I think most become activists with good intentions but sometimes the hypocrisy gets to me. The Hollywood crowd has no problem interfering with forestry, agriculture or the energy sector (and that's not always a bad thing) but now it's their turn.

  I watched tonight how some actors are going to help students in the US possibly get a movement started to get guns under control. However it's not enough to just donate money. You can't say guns are bad, let's have a vigil then tomorrow catch me in my new movie, "Shopping Mall Massacre", my latest work where I make the audience feel justified in killing people because I am seeking vengeance for them killing my family. It's a wonderful two hour romp of nothing but shooting, killing, blood and bodies everywhere. How about hash tag hypocrite. You don't have the integrity to point fingers at politicians, when  families are watching you running around all evening with a gun shooting at everyone on your latest show. America needs to change its culture, I think it's finally seeing that. As a Canadian I have no problem pointing this out, the American sickness is coming across the borders into Canada, there is a problem with guns being smuggled into our country. Even little Ottawa is starting to have drive by shootings every three to four days, something unheard of when I was younger.

 I hope the kids run with this, maybe they can start a movement like the "Me Too" movement, look how that is gaining power. The adults have thrown up their hands so sadly the kids feel they need to take over. Suddenly the government is talking about some changes, I think the kids have frightened them, the government knows with today's social media, this could suddenly turn into a tsunami of a protest. The powers that be, may be feeling that if they look like they're taking action, the kids won't organize and this will die down, then everyone can go back to doing nothing.  I hope they see through that, I hope the protests grow, I hope something starts to change.

 The entertainment industry has to be part of the solution as well and stop pretending they have no responsibility, just as people are no longer turning a blind eye to sexual harassment, people should not see extreme violence as just another ordinary day in America. There must be better writers out there than bang, pow, boom and like the Me Too movement, people should feel embarrassed if they are associated with the gun culture.