That other Steven.

 I was texting with one of my straight buddies and we were talking about us growing up etc, etc and about the people we have become. The odd thing is that our personalities are not really different as adults, it's just that we have more life experience that shapes how we react to certain situations.

 I said to my friend, that I often wonder what I would be like if I were straight. The reason I say that is because I was very much a believer in the establishment. I never questioned authority and did what I was told. People who protested, let their looks run wild or listened to crazy music were bad people. Anyone outside of the norm was a bad person in my eyes.

 When I finally admitted to myself that there was something VERY different about me, I began to question everything I was trained to believe. When my friend asked me to elaborate, I said being gay gave me an open mind towards other marginalised groups, I was interested to learn if I was missing something about them, I began to try and see issues from their point of view. Luckily I began to see many were not "bad" they were just misunderstood.

 If I was straight, I wouldn't have to think about these things. I wouldn't be able to relate to the non heterosexual white christian male, I wouldn't wonder about them or how they fit in. I probably wouldn't care that they didn't fit in, I would think that they just needed to try harder. I know that I probably would still be a nice guy, sadly however I think I would only be nice to certain groups. I would like to think that I would be a social justice warrior but the truth is I don't like confrontation and I was a people pleaser, I probably would go along to get along.

 The other thing that I fear is I would have been a complete monster towards my sister. We were like fire and gasoline growing up, I was also very envious of her, she did everything right, I did everything wrong. I imagine myself starting a little family like I was expected to, I imagine out of hatred and immaturity in my early days, driving a wedge between my parents and sister so that I could monopolize their attention. Grandma and grandpa would be happy with the grandchildren and daughter in law; however out of embarrassment, not speak of their lesbian daughter. The thought makes me sick.

 I have read in the last couple of weeks, ( including Bob's blog this morning) the statement that being gay is partly what shapes us as a person. At one time I wouldn't want to admit that but now I know that to be true. Maybe I'm a better person because I'm gay, maybe I'm being too hard on my hypothetical straight self, I will never know. My friend made an interesting point, he's straight and reached the same conclusions without being gay, he asked if that makes him a better person than if he was gay.

Morning call! Someone's dead!

 Snorzzz, snorzzz, snort, snort, snorzzz, snort, fart, snorzzz  -.-  snnnor RING!!! RING!!! O.O The phone is ringing!

 Jump out of bed, find light switch! What's wrong? Must be mom, maybe heart attack! Maybe my sister's partner, maybe something happened to my sister! Maybe a fire somewhere, someone needs help! Must get to phone, must get to phone! HELLO.. HELLO???

 What? What? I'm numb from what I hear! Numb from the white hot rage that builds in me when I realize that not only is it a telemarketer at this time of the morning, it's an automated telemarketer at that! What the hhhheck!

 I'm hoping this isn't going to become a trend, the phones here are close to sixty years old, there is no way to unplug them or turn them off, they are wired directly to the lines. I would have to call in the phone techs and that would be expen$ive.

 I can't believe the nerve of those companies, yet it must work or they wouldn't do that. I haven't had any calls for weeks now. About a month ago I received the call again from the psychic department of Montreal. I should have spoken to them to find out what it's about but unless they produce some winning lottery numbers for me, I'm not interested.

Speaking of people dying, I bumped into a young woman the other day, her mother was in the original home with my mother, her mom has a genetic disease that kills off parts of the brain, many in her family had it. I asked the daughter how was her mom, she said not well, that she was rapidly losing weight. She then said, "I wish it would be over soon, I know people think I'm horrible for saying that but I hate seeing her like that". I told her people can never understand that feeling until they are in the same situation. They don't know what it's like to watch a loved one suffer, they have no clue what it takes to reach the point, where you realize that the person is better off dead... and that wanting to keep them alive becomes selfish at that point. They have no right to judge because many of those thoughtless idiots would be sobbing messes if it was happening to them.

 She sighed a sigh of relief, she knew I understood, actually I could see it on her face that she was relieved that someone understood her. I was thinking she is not even thirty years old yet and already having to deal with so much... because to add to her tragedy, when they found out about her mother, her father was fighting cancer and died of a heart attack.

 Yesterday I heard that the mother died, at least she is not suffering but I can be sad over the fact that this woman was not even sixty yet. I'm sad for the daughter and I hope she doesn't feel any guilt over what she said to me. I actually feel a little envious because now she can fully grieve and then move on with life, whereas my sister and I are still trapped in the longest goodbye as they say.

 That's why I was thinking about the phone call this morning, maybe some day that could happen, maybe I would hear, "we're sorry to tell you Steven but your mother passed away last night". It would be conflicting because it would be sad... not sad.

Senior Kindergarten.

 I was in a store a few days ago and they were selling Christmas chocolates and cookies for a very... very low price. Not one to ruin his resolve of eating healthy, I couldn't resist the temptation. I bought a package of cookies similar to shortbread cookies. I thought they would be nice with tea when my neighbours drop in. On the package the label read, "no artificial colors, additives, corn syrup, fructose/glucose or nuts". That evening when I went to have one or five with my tea, I realized the label was not complete. I think the package should also read, "also does not contain any flavor, taste or enjoyment of any kind".

 Git off mah lawn! I try not to sound like a grumpy old man in the making, the grumpy part I can work on, the old part I can't lol. I was joking with friends the other day who are the same age as me, that we are becoming the junior-seniors, we are entering the junior kindergarten of senior life. It's that same trick as last time, "look Steve, you get to play big boy now, you can try being in school to see how much you like it"! However the trick is there is no alternative, when you say you don't like the new adventure... there's no going back.

 Why can't I have a nice meal dang nabbit! I went to a restaurant the other day, I was hungry and wanted real food, not grease in a box. I had been there twice before and both the food and service were good. This time I got a meal of bbq chicken breast. The mashed potatoes were delicious with a little onion and spices in them, the homemade coleslaw was probably the best I ever had in my life but the chicken... meh or even less than meh. The chicken was dry and the bbq sauce wasn't any kind of bbq sauce that I have ever tasted before, it was very bland, actually a bit worse than bland. To make matters worse, that day I had one of those invisible waitresses, no sign of her anywhere. I just wasn't enjoying my meal, the final touch came in the form of a small fly that was determined to do laps in my tea. I don't spend my time chasing flies away from the dinner table at the farm, I certainly don't expect it out at a restaurant in the city. I probably did the wrong thing, I just paid my bill and left, in my head I was thinking maybe the restaurant was having a bad day. I will give them another chance, I should have told them that I didn't enjoy the chicken. I was thinking later that it's possible they added zucchini to the bbq sauce, something gave it an off flavor.

 Anyway I didn't feel up to complaining, I still tipped the waitress like a goof, smiled, thanked her and left to continue my post Christmas shopping. Maybe I wimped out, I prefer to think of it as me not being a grumpy old guy in the making after all. Oh and as for my dinner companion the fly, he did an almost perfect 9.9 dive into my tea cup!

I think I'm lost?

 I have to be honest here and say I'm feeling a little lost at the moment and a little down. I've come to realize that certain people in my life are not who I thought they were. Some that I thought were going to be a strength to me, that I could count on, have revealed themselves to be unstable in character. I mean personality wise, I'm never sure which personality I will be dealing with, I find that unsettling and immature. There is nothing I hate worse than having to dance around a person or walk on eggshells around them so that they don't become offended by some little thing I said.

 I don't have the patience for this anymore, seriously grow up you babies. I don't do drama... I do driftwood, meaning like a piece of driftwood, I silently float away from you and before you know it, I'm gone from your life.

  Most heartbreaking is one of the people I lean on often, is now preparing to fight for her life. The prognosis looks good but she will need me to present everything in a positive light going forward. She will need to rely on me, I can no longer look to her for support.

 Well... so I'm feeling a little lost, a little alone... very alone tonight if I'm be honest.

Steve's DVD movie review. (Arrival)

 In past posts, I have spoken about movies that I have watched on DVD. The movie could be recent, it could be five or more years old. I was supposed to, at one point make it a feature but I don't really watch that many movies, so that type of post would become a sparse theme. The other issue as well would be that I don't have any understanding of the artistry that goes into telling a story. The only review I could sincerely give is that of my opinion alone.

 Past movies I enjoyed for example that I only saw in the last year or so include Sea Biscuit and The Big Short. This holiday season as I was picking up some stuff, I was going through a bin and saw some movies for only $5, a good deal if you can find something that you think might appeal to you. I saw the movie "Arrival" starring Amy Adams and I thought I might enjoy it, although I was hesitant because I heard many people didn't like it.

 Right away I felt that this was a good find. I have to say that I really, really enjoyed the film. I think the bad reviews were from people hoping there was going to be a space war with aliens and couldn't understand what the film was trying to say. I felt that the reaction in the film of the general public and the non western nations was sadly probably exactly how things would play out. Even with the current US government, the words "take me to your leader" could spell doom for mankind.

 There was a second movie and theme within the film. I suddenly realized what was about to happen at the end and that was an interesting twist, I am not going to mention it, in case someone wants to check the film out. There is the question at the end, if you could see your whole life ahead of you, would you change anything, not go back in time and change it but right from the beginning. That always cuts me deeply because I feel that I haven't lived, that I threw my life away. I would change a lot (hopefully)  but then again it's easy to see what is truly important now that I have life experience, back in my 20s and 30s I saw "important" as something completely different.

 I love a movie that moves me emotionally, makes me think, makes me question and this film did. I also see why I'm hearing the name Amy Adams over and over lately. Especially the scene where she is going to enter the ship and meet the visitors for the first time, she captured the incredible overwhelming feeling of numbing fear a real person would experience if something like this actually happened. This is a film that I'm going to want to watch again in a year or two.

Desire, as in I desire your affection.

 Getting back to my love life, or lack of love life, I'm still getting messages from Mr Right... now. A few weeks ago I had my breath taken away by him. He was getting ready to leave a party and was talking to the host. I suddenly saw him as the young man he once was. He was standing in the shadows and the darkness hide his age, it made his white locks look blonde, he still has a great head of hair. He kept doing that sexy thing guys used to do way back when, roughly run his hand through his hair from front to back, letting it all fall into place. At 6'2 he is a tall man. I could see the echo of the younger version of him.

 It caught me off guard, I couldn't help think of an eighteen years old me, meeting up with this twenty something young man years ago and getting together. He like me however; couldn't accept his attraction to men, so he married a woman and  had three children. Divorced now, he doesn't want to be out and about completely just yet.

 It's nice to be desired, it's nice to be found attractive but... I wish he would think of me at other times than just when he is feeling horny. I don't think he realizes that he wants more, I wish he would just let himself go and follow his heart, I think he is only listening to below the belt.

 As luck would have it, another gentleman is interested in me, unfortunately it's that age old problem, the guy that likes me, I have absolutely no attraction towards, typical! He started sending messages and I have to do that thing where I stay aloof, so that I don't seem unfriendly but at the same time I do not encourage any further connection, also gay or straight, I need to let him preserve his ego. Sometimes when a man likes another man, he can be a little relentless.

 I'm tired of being alone, I received an invitation to a party over the holidays and it read, "since your revelation to us, just know that going forward all our invitations to you are automatically 'bring a friend' for all events". I found that really sweet and there is nothing I would love more than to show up with a friend to an event. The thing is, it has to be someone that desires a connection with me and not just desires me.

Happy New Year!

 HAPPY NEW YEAR! Beep! Beep!

 Should old acquaintance be forgot blah blah blah blah... blah! I'm back! Did you miss me during my time away??? Okay that's it, party is over, knock it off people I'm going to bed now. Shut the lights off when you're done!