Don't touch that clock!

 Mehhhh, stupid time change! I hate it, leave the time alone. I'm going to punch every journalist and tv reporter in the face if I hear one more crap story about how it should be left to standard time. Are you FREAKING serious??? What is wrong with you people!!!! It's black dark at five now and it's only going to get worse, we have another two months of the days getting shorter to go. What good does it do in the morning, soon it won't matter if it's 5, 6 or 7 in the morning, it's still DARK! DARRRRRRK! Ahhhhh!

 Anyway, the grey gloomies are starting to close in, I'm starting to feel isolated already. I hate November, the coming winter feels daunting, like a mountain that I have to get over. Temperatures are supposed to really drop on Wednesday. Blah, stupid time change :( makes me a very sad wittle Steve.

Steve the jock! What?

 I have started playing sports again, it's something we athletes just have to do, ha just tricking you, no I'm not playing hockey or football, although I wouldn't mind being in the dressing room when they are all in their jocks or showering. I started curling again today, actually I was supposed to start last week but a cold kept me away. We were soundly beaten, there was no excuse, the other team were just really talented and handed us our asses on a plate! Yes... I actually do have a jock although to be honest... I bought it at an adults only store... sooo not really for sports.

 Stupid cold, it won't go away, I was on a coming out roll, it's easier to keep going once you have started. There are close friends up here that I want to tell but having learned my lesson, I want to do it in person. I want the life moments, I want to give people a chance to shine or crash, either way that's life and I'm okay with it.

November.. sigh...

Well it's official, we are firmly on our way to w.. ww.. wwwint.. winter, there I said it! Here it's the cold grey days, no leaves, no green anything and usually no sunshine. I was just thinking, jeepers almost time for Christmas lights! This morning it was snowing a little, it's not staying but that could change. Almost as if nature was saying, "okay everyone, Halloween is over now get yourself ready for winter".

 Look closely and you can see some of the white gunk.

 Some towns around here are having Halloween tonight, they cancelled it last night due to weather. Works for me because I forgot something regarding Halloween. Last night I heard a radio host asking people to send in what they thought was a perfect Halloween song. It was a repeat show from earlier in the day. There was the usual choices like, Monster Mash, Thriller, Ghostbusters but no one mentioned my favorite and I think the video also goes well with the "feel" of Halloween. Oddly enough it was "our song" between my first boyfriend and I. What better choice for Halloween than Love Song for a Vampire. Enjoy... muahahaha!
>:=

Scary Stuff, Scaaary Stuff!

 For the average person today is Halloween, now it's also a special day for people who follow a different path regarding religion and beliefs but I don't follow those paths so I can't speak about them. Debra from "She who seeks" and Leanna from "Can we have a new witch" are better at providing this type of viewpoint. Yesterday Maddie had some good thoughts about past Halloweens, they were about having fun, maybe we didn't have all the costumes etc that people have today but we had a lot of fun.

 I bought some of those little chocolate bars, I usually don't get kids coming to the door but it's better to be prepared.... and then eat them later if nobody comes. Unfortunately it's raining so hard today that there are weather warnings being given out, so I doubt if I will see one child. I have a scary movie lined up, it's "Get Out", I always wanted to see it and it was on sale for $4, so I bought it.

 Now I will turn this over to someone who understands Halloween better than I do. Mr Halloween himself. Hope this doesn't frighten you off!

Happy Halloween! Now remember... tomorrow is a work day so lay off the boos!

The Coward's way out.

 I did something minor last week that I truly regret doing. It caused me to miss out on one of life's good moments, and it also robbed someone of their chance to shine.

 After the meeting went so well with my school friend, I vowed this time it's going to be different. I waited a few days to let him get over the shock of seeing me again, then I started to text him. I think texting is one of the good modern inventions, it lets you drop in and out of someone's life without bothering them if they are busy. I hooked him into my texting vortex and he hasn't been able to escape yet. It's been great, we sometimes text until ten at night. One day he mentioned another school friend that he often meets up with, Chris. He said Chris was happy to hear we met up and also wants to see me.

 I already know that Chris turned out to be a really nice guy so I wasn't hesitant. My friend also assured me that he never said a word to Chris about my sexuality. I said I knew he wouldn't say anything. He also reassured me not to worry, he said Chris never judges anyone, he said that Chris is one of the nicest guys he hangs around with and also he knows for a fact that Chris is completely comfortable with the LGBTQ community.

 I hate the anxiety of going to tell someone that I am gay. I know it's not supposed to be a big deal but no matter what I tell myself, I'm still that confused and frightened teen back in the eighties. I knew it's time to tell Chris as well, I just wanted to get it over with so that it didn't ruin our reunion. In a moment of weakness I told my friend that I trusted his judgment, I told him that I hate telling people, it makes me anxious and I said he can tell Chris the next time he talks to him.

 That night I started to have regrets about saying that, I felt it was a coward's way out of telling someone. I felt that I had better tell Andrew in the morning that I would man-up and do it myself. It would probably be awkward, he might have questions but it wouldn't be a big deal. The following day however I got caught in things and completely forgot about my texting. Later that day I received a text from Andrew, he said Chris had popped by his work and they went out for lunch. He said he told Chris about me and about our conversation. I felt like, "oh well it's done" and was prepared to move on until I heard about Chris's reaction.

 Apparently when he told him, he said Chris actually lit up, he was so happy for me that I finally felt comfortable enough to tell them. Unlike my friend, he wasn't surprised and had it in the back of his mind all this time that I was probably gay, (that still bothers me lol). Andrew said to me, "I wish you were there Steven to truly appreciate how happy and supportive he was for you". That made me feel bad but then came more guilt. Chris told Andrew to say how proud he was of me and how brave he thought I was for telling them.. plus how happy he was for me.

 I knew in that second that I made a huge mistake not telling him, not only had I robbed myself of a life affirming moment, I also robbed Chris his moment to come through for me and shine, I took that away from him. I told Andrew that I felt later, I had taken the coward's way out, that I was trying to make it easier. I said in my defense that this doesn't come with a handbook on how to do it.

 Andrew said I shouldn't be so hard on myself, he said I am working through a lifetime of anxiety. He also said no one would blame me, he and Chris understand, they were there, they know exactly what it was like. He said the thing is now that I need to know, I have friends who are 100% behind me... and I must remember that.

 I was thinking to myself... don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... meh okay, maybe just a little this time!
;.)..

Bump... in the night.

Well it's almost here, this week Halloween will arrive. I feel it marks the end of fall and a beginning of an odd pre-winter time of year for us. I don't take part in Halloween but I think it's a fun event for those that do.

 In honor of the spirit of Halloween (or spirits) I want to ask you to recall something odd that happened to you. It can be anything, something strange that you can't explain. I will give an example that has followed me for years.

 When I was about six, one afternoon I lay down on the couch and fell asleep for a while. I had a headache and sometimes a nap cured it. When I woke up, I immediately started to look for my sister, there were just the two of us and I usually followed her everywhere.

 I asked my mom where my sister was and she said that she didn't know. I called her name and she didn't answer me. Then I heard her upstairs walking through the hallway. If you are standing in the kitchen and you look up towards the stairs, the midday sun shining through the upstairs  window, will create a perfect shadow of anyone walking through the upstairs hallway, there is no way to hide or avoid it. I saw what I thought was my sister, a short shadow walked from my bedroom across the hallway towards her bedroom. I heard her footsteps as well.

 I went to the bottom of the stairs and called her name a few times but she didn't answer. My mother suddenly said from the kitchen, "oh there she is outside with your father". I walked over to the door and looked out, to my surprise I saw Dad was fixing something and my sister was holding it for him. I asked mom who was upstairs, she looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face and said no one.

 I went outside and once my sister was finished helping dad, I told her what I saw. We went upstairs to investigate, of course there was nothing there. To this day I have no clue what that was but my memory of it is still clear. I saw and heard something walk through the upstairs hall. Being somewhat of an atheist and a skeptic, my only explanation is that I was some how still in a partial dream after my nap. That's my explanation and I'm sticking to that one.

 What about you, was there ever something that you just filed away because it was too nutty to think about. You can either mention it in the comments or take it as a blog string and post about it on your own blog.

Everything I wished for and more.

 Sometimes when I send someone an email, google takes part of the paragraph and places it at the bottom of the email. Almost like a quote from a book, to give you an idea of what's inside. It's a little unsettling at times but it gave me today's title. I will get to the title later but first the lunch with my school friend.

 I was finally able to have lunch last week with my old classmate. I was going to tell him about me being gay but something happened that caused me to decide to wait for another time. When I posted about him being successful, many of you replied that maybe he had issues I don't know about. He didn't have an easy life to be honest and that's why I'm all the more impressed.

 The reason for my meeting was that he lost an older sibling to a horrific and senseless accident. He had two siblings much older than him and due to family tragedy when he was little, he viewed them almost asparents. When I sat down with him, I let him drive the conversation, I didn't know if he wanted to talk about it or talk about something completely different.

 When he started to explain how he realized that the person killed on the news, was his family member, he began to tear up and get emotional. That's when I realized that this lunch should be all about him and that me expecting a big coming out moment was selfish on my part. I decided then to not tell him, I would do it another day.

  We started talking about other things, he asked about my parents. We talked a lot, there was much catching up to do. He asked about my sister, I told him she is doing really well on all levels and that.. no.. she's not married with children, she has a partner and they have been together almost thirty years. He said, "ah that's wonderful"! Then he started saying things like, it must have been hard growing up gay in our area for her, the constant torture with slurs and sick jokes, he felt that it must damage a person to have to grow up like that, he was wondering how she could just try to ignore it, he was saying, "remember how bad it was with everyone always saying "fag fag fag" or "that's gay", he was already getting everything that I wanted to explain to him.

 I just heard this voice saying, "oh my gawd, this is it, this is your moment, now's the time, go ahead do it". I wanted to do it in a casual way but I started to have a meltdown. I started to choke on my words and my eyes watered. He suddenly became quiet and I said, "sometimes when someone is gay, it's very common for them to have a gay brother or sister as well". He sat back taking in what I was saying. I said, "I am too, I'm gay".

 He asked how long have I know, I told him most of my life, he was surprised by that answer. I asked him if he knew or suspected. He said no but that it did pop into his mind sometimes because I had all the qualities that he admires about gay people. I asked what he meant and he said because I'm thoughtful, respectful, introspective, selfless and because I like to see the bigger picture in life. He said growing up that some of his more interesting conversations were with me. We talked a lot, I said that I feel after all these years, I'm finally letting him meet the real me.

 Then we laughed and joked and laughed and joked and had a great afternoon together. When we were in the parking lot about to leave, I went to shake his hand, he said, "nooo, I want a hug out of this" I gave him the hug I've wanted to give him all my life. When the embrace was over he looked at me in a serious way and said, "I am truly... so sorry for making you feel that you couldn't tell me, I know you keep saying it's okay but it's not and I want you to know that". I felt like I had just been given a huge injection of happy. Many times I have had daydreams where he said something like that... and here it was actually happening.

 My coming out to him was everything I ever wished for all my life.. and more. I drove away thinking, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. :.)..