Don't tie me down!

 I have come to the conclusion that I am no longer interested in a long term relationship. I find that I waste my time being loyal to an idea that just seems to tie me down without any benefits. Every time I meet someone and get to know them, it seems to end in hurt feelings, misunderstandings or confusion about the relationship. I also find that I explore getting to know the person instead of getting to know more about my community. Then when the relationship is over, I have nothing.

 I'm going to explore my sexuality more and just generally... how to be a gay man. I feel a partner.. or trying to find a partner, would only be a block to that. I'm meeting people in the gay community, finally I have one foot in the door. I have been trying to figure out how to find my "people" and I think I have cracked the code. If during my social meetings, I happen to find someone that presses all the right buttons, then I am open to dating, it's just that now I'm no longer going to pursue it.

 I was feeling a little bit, "late to the party" but I met older men in their sixties and some of them have only recently come out, married a husband and are leading their true lives. A little inspirational when you think about it.

 As for my datesaster last week, I sent the man a nice message the following day. I think there is truly something wrong with him and there is no point being mean, I don't do mean. I said that I felt we have very different personalities, so going forward I was just going to thank him regarding joining me for dinner and I wished him good luck in finding someone. He sent a message back thanking me and we left it at that.

Aaaah! He's naked! O.O

 My adventures going to a nude Halloween party. Well of course it wouldn't be a blog post by me unless something bizarre happened. First the machine for the parking garage was broken so I had to find alternative parking, then every time I tried to buzz in, the intercom would die before I could hear the room number. Finally I got in and made my way up. When I entered... I was so so shocked! There were guys there with not a stitch of clothing on!!! WTF!!!

 Meh, it wasn't that awkward, mostly because everyone else is nude as well. I used to swim daily and then shower after. There would be fellow swimmers plus two floor hockey teams so it's common for men to be nude in a setting together.

 I have often heard that nudists are a very friendly down to earth group. In this case that is absolutely true. I wasn't the only first timer there either. There were two other guys, plus two guys coming for their second time. Everyone makes you feel welcomed. I'm not sure how to put this... but they are those type of guys that within minutes, you feel that you have already known them for a long time and you want to know more about them. They are all about, conversation, joking, laughing and just being friends in a group setting. They also think that by being nude, it levels the field, there is no where to hide your flaws. Well unless you are the 6'4 soldier that showed up, I couldn't find any flaws... no matter how many times I checked him over.

 They were all ages and it was interesting how everyone mingled, they don't sort themselves out into age groups like most of gay society. There were some really hot guys there, I mean reeeeally hot. I was thinking to myself as they arrived, "OH MY GAWD... I'M GOING TO GET TO SEE THAT GUY NAKED"! AAAAAAH! :D

 One guy walked in, so cute and I suddenly realized, "uh oh, I know him from somewhere". He's a young farmer, very handsome in a masculine way, lives about an hour++ from me, he also has a family, I'm not sure if they separated, I just pretended not to know him. Everyone thought he was straight but he said no that he is bisexual. He certainly was a flame to many of the gay moths.

 We had pizza, drinks and watched scary movies. A lot of conversation, a lot of connecting with each other. I wish that I had joined this group years ago, it was so easy, I always have to see everything as a mountain and never try entering a situation, I need to learn to "try" and then move on if it doesn't work out.

 Many of the guys were in the pride parade, I wouldn't have been alone if I had moved my butt sooner, I would have had friends there. Anyway I'm here now. I will definitely keep going to these events.

 An hour or so into the party, everyone realized that none of the straight male members had come that night. This changed the dynamics of what people are comfortable with and very much changed the direction of the party, thus I'm going to have to end your journey with me to the party here. ;D

You better sit down for this.

 My next big adventure is this evening. I have been planning something for two weeks but I haven't been blogging about it because that might put pressure on the situation. This way if I backed out, no one would know. However I am excited about doing it. I am boring, I know I'm boring and I wanted to do something completely out of my comfort zone. So tonight I'm going to an all male Halloween party. A new friend told me about a group of guys that seem to be cool.

 We are expected to dress up (there's a huge joke in here). There are restrictions on the type of costumes, basically you can cover part of your face, head, arms or legs but keep it to a minimum. Well I know it may sound odd... but not if you are going to an all male nudist Halloween party! Yes I'm serious, no I'm not joking.

 Well you have to admit this is really "out there" for me and I want to do it. It's just guys hanging out (no pun intended) so it's not Sodom and Gomorrah. Some bloggers have known about this, I needed backing. Actually it is not as stressful as I thought it was going to feel, hopefully I will enjoy myself. What do I say, "hello, nice to SEE you"! Wish me luck.

Trapped in a restaurant.

 This week has been a really gay week for me. Meaning every day there has been interactions between me and the land of gays on some level like there hasn't been for years.

 Let me get this part over with immediately. I met with the guy who is partly disabled for supper this evening. The post was thumbs up, thumbs down. I'm not going to waste any time trying to write a thoughtful post. What a horrible, horrible person. He didn't look anything like his picture, I saw some scraggly guy looking lost and he called my name. When I went to help him into the car... there was a strange odor coming off him, not a human smell, like some chemical.

 Once we got to the restaurant and sat down, his true personality immediately came through, he hid that well. I was embarrassed to be seen with him in about one minutes time. Everything that started to come out of his mouth was like a bad Jerry Springer episode.

 He is probably one of the most negative, rude, crude, foul mouthed, bitter people I ever spent time with. If he wasn't disabled, I would have left him there before the waitress even brought us drinks. I kept trying to change the subject from his "poor me" attitude. He went on and on about how hateful his family is, how everyone abandoned him since becoming partly disabled. The truth is they abandoned him because he is hateful and from the stories he told, sounds like he was always hateful.

 I couldn't finish my meal, I hurried him up, he was actually making me feel nauseated, he's really gross as well. I certainly didn't see the evening going like this! I thought either I would make a new friend or I might find a needy person that would be too clingy. I never expected him to make me feel like I am trapped in a restaurant and dying to escape from this really classless person.

 I drove him home, he asked me if I wanted to come up, I think my skin crawled in seven different directions, I said no thanks. On my way back to the farm, I formed his rejection letter in my head.

Mr Bean (aka Steve) goes to lunch.

 Well.. so today I was supposed to meet my friend. I'm always running behind, it's a bad habit that I have gotten into. Anyway with a little luck (and plenty of speeding) I managed to arrive slightly ahead of time. That is until I realized that I was at the wrong restaurant, no problem however, it was just down the street. When I went in there was only one couple there, so whew, I arrived first. I ordered a soft drink because my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous and I was debating whether to tell him right away from the beginning about being gay.

 People started to arrive and I double checked the date and time of our meeting, everything was in order. I checked my email and there was a message there saying that he had to take his daughter to the hospital. He apologized and asked to make other arrangements. I never thought to check my email before I left, d'oh! I have become so used to my phone not working that when I am in the city, in the back of my mind it still doesn't work.

 He feels bad but I was too embarrassed to tell him that it's my fault his daughter got hurt. You see when you make plans to go out with Mr Bean (aka Steve) bizarre things happen and people get hurt... sometimes they get diarrhea or hives but generally it doesn't go well and plans get cancelled.

I lost a friend. :(..

 Ugh! I hate this. Sometimes I mention my friend James, the sweet but awkward gay man I met over a year ago. I was never attracted to him romantically but I liked him as a person. One thing about James that I loved was his trustworthiness, he is a standup guy. I kept an open mind towards a relationship with James because I know he would be really good to me and look out for me, the way a "real" man should.

 To be honest, I never found James that attractive and I think there needs to be at least some type of attraction. Sometimes his awkwardness and indecisiveness would get on my nerves but generally I found him to be a kind, sweet man. We never seriously talked about dating, I was hoping that he understood by now. I always said things like, "you're a good friend" or I would always sign off emails with, "your friend/buddy Steven" so as not to lead him on. We emailed each other twice a week but I have only met up with him about five times that I can remember, not exactly dedicated boyfriends. I do know that I held a special place for him, when he bought his new car, he never offered anyone a ride because he wanted me to be the first passenger. Also he was quite happy when I showed up to an event he loves to attend.

 Lately he has been saying to me, that he feels too old for me. That was another issue I did have with him, he is only seven years older than I am but I tell people as a joke that I think he is turning ninety on his next birthday, or that James is the nicest old lady that I ever met. He has that attitude sometimes, like he was raised back in the 1920s and not the seventies.

 Sunday he again mentioned thinking that he was too old for me. I felt he was trying to tell me that he wasn't interested in forming a romantic relationship with me. I felt we should clear up any misunderstandings so I responded. I told him that I agreed with him, in that we were not a match romantically but that I enjoyed our friendship immensely and his age shouldn't be a factor.

 He was clearly hurt by this because I received an email saying that he appreciated my honesty. That just because two people are gay it doesn't mean they will make a good couple. That giving it a year is a fair amount of time to see if we were a match or not. However he also said that it is time for him to move on, that he will say goodbye to me now and that he wishes me all the best in whatever I do in the future.

 I feel like garbage, I know I did the right thing but I still feel like garbage. He is socially awkward and obviously saw our friendship as something else. This is really too bad, I honestly didn't see it going this way. My practical side is screaming at me because I know that if we became a couple and something terrible happened to me, he would be at my side and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there are many gay men left out there like that. I also feel like crap because I liked him.. a lot!

 Ugh, uuuuugh, aaaaah, I hurt someone I care about, I hate this feeling and I'm going to really miss him. It's almost like I received a message saying James passed away.. and when you think about it, maybe it is a little similar... since our friendship suddenly died. Goodbye James I'm going to miss you, your buddy Steven.

Another coming out story.

 Today (actually yesterday due to download issues) is apparently national coming out day, so I picked this coming out video that I really like about a man named Brian and what he went through, but first a message from Teddy!

 "Teddy say, it okay to be gay"!

Let me know what you think?