Stick your thumb.. up.

 When I wrote the post earlier today, I was feeling overwhelmed and I was also feeling manipulated, like the person had an agenda. I didn't feel good about writing it later on however. I was thinking here is possibly a person in need of a friend and not someone out to use me or trick me with a sob story. I thought I should at least give him a chance before I reject him, so I called him to say hello.

 What a complete jerk! That total jackass made me so angry. Well at least that would have been easier to write, I could have said how smart I was to figure him out. Instead however I had a pleasant conversation with a really nice man that probably just needs a friend. I will keep my guard up because it is the internet after all but we are going to have dinner together in a couple of days. He will probably turn out to be a good friend and I will hate myself for writing the last post! That's how I hope it turns out... now what makes crow taste good?

Thumbs up, thumbs down.

 I have been more proactive lately in trying to meet people, I mean really it's not fair to expect guys to come to me if I'm not doing the same. Recently I contacted a guy that looked like a lot of fun to be with. He said he was looking for a boyfriend and also friends. His picture was cute, not Hollywood cute but cuddly guy cute, it shows him with a big smile on his face and two thumbs up. As well his profile was comical, almost smarty pants-ish, like someone else you all know. He wrote about meeting friends, going out and just enjoying life. I thought that is exactly the type of person I should meet.

 When I contacted him, right away I noticed the complete lack of humor. In fact there seemed to be none of the guy in the profile. Eventually I found out that he suffered a terrible event in his life that has left him partially disabled. He tells me about being lonely all the time, about being house bound unless I drive him places, about feeling abandoned by his friends because they are busy a lot of the time... and of course he is the one guy that wants to meet right away.

 I'm not here to rescue everyone, something similar happened with a relative recently that I was not closed to, (I have a large family). My life already consists of doctors, hospitals, appointments, illness, medications, sadness, tears and on and on. I'm not talking on another case, I wanted to find a distraction from that part of life. I just wanted some friends that I could say, "hey let's grab some dinner, movie, drinks" and not become someone else's caretaker. Maybe this guy is a really sweet guy but he has to look for someone else to attach himself to because lately I feel my cup is full when it comes to problems. I am not heartless, I have empathy for the guy I really do but I also give him a thumbs down for the completely misleading profile.

A Pale Life.

 Next week I will be meeting my high school friend for lunch. We have been exchanging emails and it seems that we are pretty much in the same frame of mind regarding what we feel is important to us now. It's almost like we can finish each other's thoughts and it's nice to reconnect. He understands a lot of my issues without me even bringing them up.

 One thing that I got from my conversations with him however, is my complete failure to turn my life around into something more positive. Yes.. I looked after mom and was a total saint but I didn't do anything to develop who I am. I buried myself in a crisis solving and a care mode lifestyle that I didn't see I wasn't living. He was telling me about the business he started, about how they take time to not only travel but to actually live in other countries for a few months and other things he did to grow as a person. He has accomplished a lot since we last met and even then he had already accomplished a lot.

 Last night I couldn't help asking myself what have I done. I felt my life was pale in comparison. I sentenced myself to a bleak life. My last years were spent in hospitals, nursing homes, social workers offices, doctor's offices. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, I discover years later that I'm wrong. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have looked after mom, I'm saying that I should have developed me as well. I keep feeling like I'm running out of time to do something, be somewhere, be someone but I don't know the answer.

Kindred Kin.

 This "no internet/cellphone" at the farm is making me crazy. I feel so disconnected from everything. Hopefully by Monday or Tuesday it will be back up. I worry because oddly enough my farm was a cut off line, once you drove past my farm, you had no more cell reception and I fear they may have shrunk the tower range instead of expanding it. Apparently there was damage to the tower and it needed to be repaired but I wonder if it's not as powerful as it used to be. Next they will be asking me to trade in the car for a horse.

 I'm getting some yeses to meeting for coffee, makes me feel giddy, like I'm in high school again, only this time they are saying yes instead of aaaah, aaaah, run for your lives! Steve's asking people out, ack!

 Yesterday my uncle came to visit, he has started to do that every year in the fall. He's my father's youngest brother. At first I was a bit put off by the visits because we were never close but now I enjoy them. He likes people but I think is a little awkward around them. Some people find him odd but generally like him. Umm, so yes.. I think you're probably seeing it too. I realized we have a lot in common, that's why I like his visits now.

 I think also we are having the same issues. He sees all his family and friends disappearing around him and he is becoming increasingly lonely. I sense that he wants to get close to me, I'm ok with that, I welcome it. He asked me if I would give him a tour of the house, he grew up in this house, as much as this will always be home to me no matter where I go, I suddenly realized it is for him as well.

 He took me out for lunch and told me a lot of funny stories about growing up on the farm, that I never heard before. Like my Dad playing tricks on him constantly as an older brother. Games the younger kids played, some my sister and I would later recreate unknowingly, using the same places to hide, climb, slide down when our parents weren't looking. The farm house here now is actually the third one, my Dad partly grew up in the second one but it burned down. I never realized the current one is the only one my uncle remembers because he was a baby when the fire happened. He had tears in his when we finished the tour, over my lifetime he would have only been in the kitchen or living room but not upstairs or the basement, he said he wanted to see it one last time before I sell.

 I felt a kindred spirit with that visit and I leaned a few new things. I loved hearing the stories about Dad before he was a Dad, or even a husband for that matter. We tend to forget that our parents were people that had full lives long before we came along. My uncle often notes the way I look out for mom, he gave me some good advice about not letting life weight me down. He also told me not to get involved with a woman who has children... very good advice that I will totally follow!

Some positive interactions finally.

 Today it's cold out, barely above freezing but it's sunny out and I find it makes for a better day overall when the sun is shining. They are saying the temperature will drop below freezing tonight, that will definitely be goodbye for the flowers. I grew tired of watching over the garden and so I harvested anything that could be damaged by frost.

 Still no cellphone or internet access at the farm, they are apparently working on it and said hopefully it will be fixed by this evening. If not, I know that means next week, nothing gets fixed on a weekend no matter how much they promise.

 I had two interesting things happen this week. One was, as I checked messages before returning home, I got a couple of messages from guys. I thought at first it would just be the usual, "hello, I'm going to say hello and then I'm going to ignore you". However instead I'm finally getting some communication back and forth. One guy even sent me his email address in case he is not on the site but is on line. Maybe nothing will come out of this but at least there is some possibility and not some mind game.

 The other thing that happened was when I contacted an old school friend. His family suffered a recent loss and I wanted to check in on him. He was important to me as a kid, he was the alpha male in our little group of friends. He was everything that I wished I could be at that time. I never felt that I was important to him however, I felt he tolerated me because he was mostly a nice guy. He replied saying that it's ironic I emailed him, that I would be surprised by how much he thought of me over the past year, how he was thinking about us growing up and about life. I was really touched, I didn't think I mattered, the kid from back then emerged and read those lines over a couple of times, just to be sure they were real. Strange that at my age, it still matters how people see/saw me.

 Like many guys back then, he was very homophobic and the slurs, jokes and vile words were plenty. I always felt that if I could just get him to see things clearly, he would understand that I'm still just me, not some crazed sex freak (no offense Maddie lol). I now know for a fact that he has really changed. I wonder if he knows about me or suspects. I wonder if he feels bad about things he said in the past.

 Yes... I'm going to try and meet up with him and yes.. I'm going to tell him my secret that I have wanted to tell him for years. I have a fall back plan, if I can't get the words out, I can show him something he wrote a few years ago in support of gay marriage, he will instantly understand what I'm trying to tell him.

The Landline.

 Everyone keeps asking me why I keep the landline. The main reason is technology.. or lack of technology. The old stuff works, the new stuff is never reliable. It's fine for people in the city but out in the country, we need reliability, plus $16 a month is not expensive for something you can always count on.

 Sorry I'm not reading blogs like I normally do, that is because I have had no cellphone or internet service since last Thursday. I check online when I get to work in the city but time is limited. Like this morning, I loved Sixpence's post from a few days ago about his skinny body. You could have been writing about me buddy.. excellent post as usual.

 It makes it so hard to stay connected, I did want to cut back on my internet usage but not reduce it to zero! I have to drive about fifteen minutes from my house to send an email or check for messages. It gets annoying because cars keep stopping to ask if I'm ok since I'm parked on the side of the road. Country people are helpful and they mean well. I do get upset with the people who I know are just trying to figure out what I am doing. It can get quite awkward however when I'm masturbating to online porn, hey a man has got to do what a man has got to do. Sorry, my bad, potty mouth and no I would never do that!!!

 I may not be around much because of this so not to worry.

October first, eeek!

 As far as October firsts go, this was a warm one so not too, too bad. We had a few baby thunderstorms go through but nothing bad. The host of a morning radio show was saying that typically today is the last day we will have days of 20° Celsius (70 Fahrenheit) or warmer, that from now on around the Ottawa area, the days will be cooler, whaaa!

 I went to see mom yesterday and she made me laugh. Most days she is unable to carry on any type of normal conversation now. Usually she says things that make no sense and I just agree with her. We were sitting on some couches by the main entrance and she said to me, "you know it's such a shame, they have these big beautiful doors and the only ones who use them are all the Jehovah's witnesses that come and go through here". I was startled, I laughed and said, "excuse me, what did you just say mom"? I though maybe I heard wrong. She said, "you know, all those Jehovah's witnesses that go back and forth through here... and they are always preaching about their.. their papers" and then she was gone again. I laughed, where did that come from? Even if one spoke to her during the day, she wouldn't understand what they were talking about, plus she would forget as soon as they walked away. The home wouldn't allow something like that either. It's funny the things our mind stores.