Something outside, wants in.

 Late in the evening, as darkness falls, you may hear a thump, "THUMP"! You tell yourself it's just a thump, the cold causing the walls to contract or the floor to settle. Why did you just lie to yourself? You know it sounded more like a knock, a soft knock, sometimes it's three quick knocks, "thump, bump, bump. Maybe you were having a nap and it woke you up, clearing your head, you then check your door but no one is there... which you already knew but didn't want to admit to yourself.

 Some people hear it and jokingly, with a touch of nerves yell "come in"! You must never do that, you must never say that... it wants in, it's looking for the invitation. In a clear voice you must say out loud, "you may not enter, you can not come in, you are not welcome here". It's important not to invite that spirit in, very hard to get out after.

Halloween is coming, everyone needs to have a little fun with it.

Late to the movie.

This evening there was goose egg worth watching on the tv. I fired up the VCR to continue my journey through old movies of my father's, some I just never got around to watching, I always would say next week, then next week becomes next month, year, decade. I was going through a handful when I came across the movie Sea Biscuit. I remember my sister gave Dad that movie for Christmas, I had forgotten about it, I do remember it getting good reviews.

 The movie is about the racehorse Sea Biscuit, my dad being a horse fanatic, would have loved watching it. I kept putting off watching it because I felt it would be the typical Disney type of animal movie, pull at your heartstrings then something bad happens and he gets put down. However I was completely surprised by the movie, it is not at all what I thought, it certainly deserves all the praise. I think it's more about the depression era and how people were struggling so hard, that they needed a good underdog story to follow. I also liked the way it shows the background of the characters, I think it lets us understand them better. The horse doesn't show up until well into the movie.

 I think I mistook it for another mushy, cheesy, feel good movie that came out a few years ago and that's why I wouldn't watch it. There are some feel good moments but that's what the movie is about. It has some familiar faces, although they look quite young. Reading the box I was surprised to see it came out in 2003, I didn't think it's been fifteen years since it was in the theater, which explains a young looking cast like Toby Maguire. Obviously it's been sitting there for a long time waiting for me to catch up. If you happen to come across it playing on the tube late some night or have a chance to see it, I give it two thumbs up!

Aaaacheww!

 I hab a code, "sniff, sniff, sniffle", my nose is runny, "cough, cough, haaaack", I wish someone would invent a snot vacuum, then I wouldn't have to wipe my snout so much. I wanted chicken soup for supper, I ran out, life's a bitch. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and watched Star Wars on my VCR tonight because it gave me comfort. Tomorrow I will unleash this plague on my unsuspecting coworkers because one of the little bastards gave it to me.

My Own Best Fan!

 I always say, if only other people found me half as funny as I find myself, I would be a famous comedian. I crack myself up with my own stupid sense of humour, giggling for hours over something I have said or done.

 Last night I had one of those proud moments. I was checking out a dating site that I was using.  I stopped checking in lately because the guys on there weren't even interested in learning my name, let alone forming a friendship or relationship. One guy sent me two message, "hi there" and "got pics", clearly a man of few words. I think if these guys could just use grunting to communicate, they would. He has listed the fact that he is nine inches and included a photo to prove it. I knew he was expecting something back like, "me no got pics" or "we do sex now"?  However that's not me, the smart ass in me can't pass up an opportunity to say something stupid.

 I'm sure some are shocked to get back full sentences. I thought since he put the effort into emailing me, I should at least send an email back, an email which went something like this, "nine inches holy crap, there is no way I'm letting you near me with that thing"!!! The funny thing is when I do something like that, they almost always want to meet me, as did Mr Nine inch nail, maybe they sense I'm not just another warm place to put it and they are probably trying to find something different as well. Unless that's your thing, it's all good, I'm not judging.

Losing the numbers game.

 Lately the media keeps throwing out stats and the results from studying those numbers. The one constantly ringing in my ears is, "if you are, male, 45 or over, gay and single, then you will remain single until the end of your days". I feel an overwhelming sadness at the thoughts of going the rest of my life alone. Somehow I know this will come true, I have always known.

 The heart wants what it wants, that keeps popping up in my head. I was emailing with another blogger the other day (a very handsome guy, hey my buddy "Mk" ) I was telling him about the two guys I have been in contact with the most. One is a little odd but a really nice guy, he is very loyal to friends, very family oriented, good financial head on his shoulders, trustworthy. He would make someone a great life partner, yet I have no attraction towards him. I have tried and tried to open myself up to the idea of dating him but it doesn't work that way, I feel nothing. In fact I think part of me it becoming annoyed with my practical side and is starting to dislike him in retaliation. Maybe punishment for trying to force the notion of being in an unwanted relationship.

 Guy number two pushes all the right buttons, I find everything about him to be attractive. Speaking to him makes my knees feel weak, I wish he would just grab me and plant a romantic kiss on my lips. He is nice to me but unfortunately he doesn't seem to have any interest in me. If I ask him to meet me somewhere, he will say yes and we have a good time; however unless I contact him, I never hear from him. I don't get so much as an email or text from him asking how I'm doing. The truth is, it's not because he is a mean person, it's because when he is busy, I'm nowhere on his radar, he never thinks of me.

 As a gay male the numbers seem to be stacked against me, even my "self" seems to be working against me, picking the wrong man to have a crush on. I guess if you are a male, are 44 years old and gay, then there is still hope for you but you better act fast.

Scent of a Man.

 I don't wear cologne, never have. I find most men that do, really don't know how to use it, they put way too much on and it over powers me. Sometimes it's the cheap stuff and I think it's made out of diesel fuel or skunks collected as road kill. The standard rule of thumb happens to be, if the paint peels off the walls as you walk by, then you probably used too much.

 Some guys however were made to wear it. There is some kind of crazy combination of natural scent, plus the cologne. When these guys work near or with me, it's hard to not let my mind wander and imagine all sorts of scenes from a personal gay porn, starring me and lover boy. I begin to wonder what they smell like naked, what would it be like to make love to them, breath them in as we kiss and caress. It's like they have some hidden sex pheromones pressing all my correct buttons. These days at work, there are a couple of straight guys torturing me, they smell so, so good, makes me feel very gay! :)

Spilling Time.

 I think as we get older we begin to appreciate time more, one day we wake up and realize that time is not limitless, it has an expiration date. I was thinking about all the things in life we do that are a complete waste of time, the odd thing is at that moment in our life, we often don't realize that we are wasting time, we may even think that we are accomplishing something. It's kind of like having a bottle of the most refreshing drink that you could ever imagine. Do you savor every drop or are you careless and spill it... gone forever when it soaks into the earth.

 I often feel that I was careless, that I spilled my bottle. Part was done on purpose, I was/am a master procrastinator, also I confess that I could certainly have been a lot more ambitious in life. On the other hand I try to tell myself not to look back, past mistakes and bad choices were from the inexperience of youth. I learned from the mistakes I made because I saw how things didn't work out.

 October already, how did the month sneak up on me so fast. Fall usually makes me melancholy, it gets worse as I age. A large part of it comes from my mother, she hated winter so much that she would get upset at the prospect of the last week of August. I think the problem with the perception of fall, is that it signals the end of everything before winter's grip takes hold. I try not to be like mom, I try to embrace fall, for example the colours, the cool nights, snuggling up with a hot drink, a warm fire place, Halloween and everything that comes with it, the fall harvests, especially apples, apple crumble, apple tarts, apple pie, well you get the picture, did I mention apple turnovers. Fall really is a nice time of year and I want to train myself to enjoy it, there is no use wasting time worrying about what season comes after. The cut off point here is Halloween, after that the colours are gone, like my mood everything turns a dreary November grey so I allow myself to grumble when the time comes. Until then however I am savoring the final drops of fall.