When the Gods Weaken.

Last night my neighbors invited me to go on a haunted walk with them. There is a lake side, bed and breakfast close to me and every fall they hold a haunted walk through trails in the forest. It was actually fun, I got to feel like a kid again. I was enjoying it in a detached, mature, adult way, until the guy with a chainsaw stepped out of the darkness and started the thing right beside me. Suddenly I was at the front of the group and don't remember how I got there. I joked with one of the owners later, if you find someone's heart in the bush, it's probably mine since it jumped out. ....................................... The other interesting thing that happened was the group I was with brought along some of my older cousins, they were up at their cottages for a last beautiful weekend of sunny weather. Some I haven't seen for a while. In their mid to late fifties, I felt a little sadness because time was winning the war against them. One of my cousins reminded me of my grandfather, his looks, the way he spoke and certainly that same sense of humour. I don't mean in an elderly way and it was also comforting as I miss my grandfather, but I can imagine now what my grandfather looked like in his fifties, shifting from the handsome young farmer to the role of grampa. For my cousins as well I felt a sadness, these guys were like gods to me, tall, handsome, popular, athletic but not jerks about it. Everything I wished I was, not some shy, awkward, clumsy, skinny kid. I remember once feeling very gay (lol), when between hockey games they stripped down to nothing but their long underwear, changing into dryer clothes in front of me. That site stayed in my head for a long time, also I insisted my mom buy me the same type of cotton long underwear since it was very cool looking long underwear, as cool as long underwear can be that is. I wanted to be like them. ............................................. Now here they were standing before me, I could see the elderly men they were about to become, I see my path as well, I think that is why I am more aware of people aging now. I no longer felt a sense of awe looking at them, I just saw some guys, they had lost the super powers I had assigned to them. The sense of time slipping away I have to admit, is probably the scariest feeling that I got from the haunted walk.

The wrong team.

What I am about to say here may offend some but that certainly isn't my intention. This gay thing...... just feels wrong to me. I don't mean being gay is wrong or bad, just for me it doesn't fit. It's like back in school when you were put on a team but all your friends have coincidentally been placed on the other team. I'm the square peg being hammered into the round hole. I just always wanted to be a husband and a dad, have my little house and live happily ever after. It just makes me really sad, this is what I have been given so I have to make the best of it. I was watching a story about a young gay hockey player, about how he came out, the reporter asked how he feels now, he said that he is much happier and then he had this cute grin and a spark in his eyes and said "I like being gay". I guess being a young gay hockey player would give you a lot of good experiences but that statement gave me a chill. At that moment I realized that I hate being gay, I know this may startle you guys but no point in lying, most of you seem to be thinkers so I am just being honest. I don't like being gay, I make due with being gay. Everything about it just makes me feel like I am going against the grain, there is still this hidden stress over it, not like it used to be but it's still there. I sometimes feel that it will cause me to die young. Sorry everyone, I just needed to say it.

Blame the victim?

When I was in my late teens, I went to a mall one day and after a while I sat down to relax for a minute. Keep in mind that when I was 20, people thought I was 15 or 16, so you can probably guess how young I looked when I actually was 15 or 16. Long story short, a much much older man troll tried to get me to go with him, he even said something about a van outside. I was so frightened but I never told a person until I was in my thirties. The reason I didn't say anything was because typically young people blame themselves. Did I somehow let him know that I am gay, was I too friendly, did I send a wrong signal? I felt people would blame me for sure. ............................................. I was thinking about this because of the scandal happening in Hollywood, actresses coming forward with allegations of sexual assault. The thing that upset me is I heard a lot of comments regarding many of those actresses being famous now and they said nothing, also comments stating that they stayed silent so that they could advance their careers. Even some implying a form of prostitution. I can see some of these points but why is the blame going on these women, the talk of fault should only be mentioned while using the name of the person that did this. Mostly I feel upset because of something a female commentator said. She said that it's typical for society to blame the victim when it is a woman. I totally agree with her, how much power does some unknown 16 year old aspiring actress have. Then years later who wants the embarrassment, because even if they did come out, people would still be blaming them as they are now. Mostly to my point let's compare apples to apples, famous males who were sexually assaulted. There are now some retired hockey players who have come forward, some wrote books, I am sure that there are other guys in some of the other sports who are doing the same. They spoke about having to perform sex acts for coaches etc from a young age, they felt they had no choice, that their careers would be finished. I don't ever recall someone saying that they were like a prostitute, exchanging sex for career advancement. I don't remember anyone saying the only reason they are coming out now is because they are retired and it won't hurt their bottom line, I don't recall anyone saying they were cowards for waiting so long and that any young people harmed will partly be their fault. I certainly do recall the men who harmed them being viewed as sick monsters. I also read an article last summer that shocked me, it was about this very thing happening in the military and how guys were given the choice, have sex with the person above you or end your career. Do we judge those guys, no one said they should be stronger because they are a soldier. It is so wrong to judge these women, we don't know what we don't know, even worse, you are judging that frightened young girl from years ago.

Life can be too ironic.

Speaking of stats, I heard some funny ones last month. There were something like 30 or 35% of Canadians that didn't think they knew or had met a gay person. Another 45% felt that they probably haven't spoken to a gay person in the last two weeks. This made me laugh out loud for real, this was my favorite stat. I could understand if you lived up north where your neighbor is Morris the moose but anywhere else is pretty much infiltrated by the homo crowd. Even the small towns and farming community, once people knew they were safe, it was surprising how many people came out. I wonder how the guys I eat lunch with would have answered that, how funny if they put themselves in the 45% group. ............................................ With the younger generation it's a non issue, I often see groups of young straight people that have gay friends in the mix. I am overwhelmed at times when I hear them being protective of their gay buddies. It's the older generations that are still working through their beliefs about the LGBT community, even then it is not that bad, just more comical than anything. Time has jumped forward for us, our parent's generation is fading away, our grandparents are mostly gone. The flower children have moved into the senior role and they are a much more accepting generation. To my point, I was at an event and speaking with two acquaintances, a man and a woman, they are nice people and are in their late sixties. We were talking about getting information from a guy called Ron, then the man suddenly said "you know Ron is gay". I said that I already knew, the man went on to say he was shocked, that Ron certainly didn't fit the stereotype, but that he didn't care. It was kind of cute the way he was trying to be accepting, you could tell that he was still uncomfortable with the idea. The woman was the same, she said similar things, she doesn't judge, not her business, nothing really wrong with a gay couple but there was still that awkward acceptance. The thing that was making me laugh like crazy inside, was the part where they were saying that Ron doesn't look gay, that you neeeever know, that you could be talking to a gay person and not realize it! I said, "I know, it's crazy, there could be a gay person standing right in front of you and you would never know it"!

Are Things Really Better?

I often comment that things are much better for the LGBT community in western countries and regarding acceptance that is mostly true. I read something a few days ago that made me feel sad for the gay community however. It seems the push for the gay community to be out and free is having negative consequences. There is a resistance towards being responsible and living a gay life. I witnessed this many times on the news when reporting on gay health issues. One evening they had on a man representing some gay men's group, he was livid with the reporter for suggesting that men having sex with strangers should use condoms. He informed the reporter that part of the gay culture was the excitement of having unprotected sex. Suggesting otherwise was being discriminatory towards gay men. Even now, many shows give the impression that HIV infection is just like getting a cold, take a couple of pills and everything will be fine in the morning. The stats that made me sad and were a little scary actually, were that young gay men no longer worry about getting infected, they said that if the infection rates amongst young guys stay on the same path as they are now, every second gay man in the U.S. will be infected with HIV by age 50! I will assume Canada will follow suit as I think our stats are the same. The other thing that got me was the age these stats now start, only 13 years old. How sad, boys 13, 14 and 15 already infected, kids really that are not ready for grown-up decisions. I think there is such a push on today to expose kids younger and younger to things of a sexual nature. I understand the idea of getting them to accept at a younger age their gay identity, I agree with that, it's probably a healthy thing to do but I think we better start saying there are negative aspects of entering into sexual relationships. It's ok to wait, there is plenty of time to be gay later, especially if you are only thirteen and it's certainly not bigoted to look out for the younger gay generation.

Funny but....

One Saturday I sat down to eat lunch and as I started, I noticed a car slowing down to a complete stop just below my house. Feeling a bit suspicious I grabbed the binoculars (every home in the country needs a pair) and checked out what was up. Nothing sinister, just two young guys, the driver was talking on his cell phone, oddly enough, cellular reception ends past my place so it's normal for people to stop. The passenger, becoming bored I assumed opened the door and stepped out to stretch. Still using the binoculars, I could clearly see he was a pretty good looking young guy. Six feet, handsome looks, nice shape. Yawning he stretched out his arms and scratched his stomach the way some guys will do. He looked back at his friend talking on the phone and still scratching his stomach, pulled up his shirt, then he fumbled with a drawstring on his pants and I suddenly realized he was going to do something else guys do when they stop to stretch their legs. I still had a clear view and I had the moral dilemma of giving a guy his privacy or since he was exposing himself near my house, stealing a look at the goods. I decided since he wasn't shy and my mom or sister could have accidentally stumbled upon this sight, he almost deserved to be watched. Well at least that works as an excuse for a gay man watching a really attractive guy, so I went with it. As the big reveal was just about to happen, the driver put down his phone and drove ahead about three feet. The guy stopped what he was doing and looked at the driver. Then the car jumped another ten feet with the driver laughing out loud. The cute guy ran for the car door and jumped in just as his buddy took off full speed. I was thinking, "CRAP, he car blocked me"! Whaaa, so close, just about to see the goods of Mr. Hottie guy, everyone has to be a comedian. Well it actually was kinda funny to see the guy scramble to get back in before he was left behind.

A Warm Hug.

I often wonder how people perceive me, I am painfully aware of my faults. Too shy at times, too quiet and I also know that I am a little odd compared to most people, I can't help that fact, it's who I am, my personality is not going to change now. I can feel insecure regarding friends, past and present, I hope often that I'm not just the mascot for our groups (past and present). I worry about the value I have with other people, do I bring something to the table, do I offer them something, do they even notice if I am around or not. It's hard for me to get close to people, I don't click with many, its a flaw on my part, I just don't relate to most people. ............................................... The father of a classmate passed away, she and I were together from kindergarten through high school, also during high school I became friends with one of her brothers so I felt it important to attend their father's wake. I hadn't seen them in years, especially the brother, he moved on to bigger and better things and I completely lost track of him. To be honest here, no shocker, I was quietly in love with him. I secretly had all these fantasies were he one day, would confess his love and affection for me, then we would begin a happy ever after life together...... not. I was a little nervous about seeing him, would he even remember our friendship, or was I maybe making it out to be a bigger deal than it actually was. As I entered, time warped, the adults were unrecognizable to me but the teenage kids were clones of my high school friends, it felt bizarre. I suddenly saw my old classmate, she hadn't changed a lot and she still had the same sweet personality, that gave me comfort. She began to point out her brothers and sister, then came the moment. One of her brothers stepped forward with a huge smile, he had changed a lot, I put my hand out to shake his but what happened next was something I needed. He pushed my hand away laughing and saying "no don't shake my hand, come here, give me a hug, I want a hug"! That lifted my spirit, because I knew even after all these years that my friendship meant something and lately I need to feel that. His personality hadn't changed thankfully, he was the same friendly, funny guy that I remembered. Then it turned out very comical for me, as a group of us were catching up on old times, he kept staring at me and would make comments like "you have not changed at all" then after a while "dude you haven't changed a bit" a little while longer "no I mean seriously man, you really look the same", something every gay man loves to hear (lol). His wife is gorgeous and seems nice, he knows a coworker of mine, our companies actually do business together. ............................................... A crowd was building at the wake and the family needed to speak with them so we said our goodbyes and I left. Looking back as I was leaving and watching them greet other people, it's strange to say but I felt as if I finished a chapter of a book. I also felt the importance of a hug.