Fear of Self.

What scares you? Most people I would guess have some type of fear. I think a lot of gay men maybe have fears, or are at least in touch with their feelings enough to admit it. Unlike straight guys who lie lie lie, they have fears as well no matter how much they shrug it off. There are all kinds of fears real and unreal, fear of losing your job, fear of getting cancer versus fear of bridges or fear of darkness. ....................................... Lately I struggle with fear of doing something stupid, as in meeting the wrong guy at the wrong place and time, then doing something stupid that I will regret later on. Fear of myself, fear of a bad decision. Yes, sometimes I don't think enough, just so far I have kept myself out of bad situations, I sometimes feel that is why I isolate myself from the gay community. I do not sleep around, my track record looks pretty good by most (actually almost all) gay standards but.... it has come close. I find there is that point of desire where a guy has one thing on his mind and it almost becomes tunnel vision, I don't know about any of you but I find it much stronger as I get older. I don't trust myself anymore, part of me wants to get swept up in the moment and stop over thinking everything. .................................. There seems to be a move towards no longer caring about your fellow man in the gay community, instead there is a drive for your own personal gratification. I don't like wearing condoms either but when did wearing one become some slight against the gay community's freedom, when did a person become a loser for using one and when did having HIV become cool. Even worse, when did spreading it become erotic. I hate hospitals, I don't want to be stuck going to one the rest of my life, I don't want to have to take pills all the time, that really frightens me. ...................................... Being in a gay relationship from my understanding is not a guarantee against any mistakes, I understand (or I'm told) gay relationships are more fluid (no pun intended) and guys often go wandering outside of the relationship for a moment of excitement. I confess I thought about it during my last relationship since sex ended up being about every four to six months. Just being honest so as not to pretend that I am perfect. .................................. I scare myself now sometimes, I think about hooking up, how hot it could be and I am afraid that if the opportunity were in front of me, I would take it. Later when I cool down I wonder what is wrong with me, that's not who I am, or is it me. I am not sure what I want to get out of posting this, maybe I want to show my darker side or maybe if I put this down in writing, I will see how stupid my thinking has become.

Role play.

The other day I was talking to someone about a couple we both know. The person I was talking to is straight, the couple is gay. The straight guy made the comment that since one of the men in the couple is a rugged construction type guy and the other man is more the fashion model type of guy, we should be able to see which of the two is the wife. No one has made that stupid statement to me in years, I used to be really disappointed in any of my friends if they asked me who was the wife in my relationships. .................................... I found with gay couples there are no set rules. One guy may be more into what is considered the traditional male role than his partner, both may be, neither may be or even each may compliment the other. As I get older however I am discovering that it's not just a gay "thing". I am noticing there are many straight couples where the traditional roles of each person are not that strictly followed. How many times do we hear someone say the wife wears the pants. ..................................... There are many couples around where the wife takes care of the car, fixes the drywall or removes the mouse from the trap because the husband is either clueless about fixing things or is squeamish. No one starts asking them who plays the dominant role in their relationship. There is still that implied way of thinking that if one of the men likes to cook, is into fashion or decorating the house, then he is a lesser man than the one who changes the tires or saws wood for the winter. ........................................ When I visit my straight friends I love to secretly observed this dynamic. Often the quiet guy, shy guy has a bold in your face wife or the comical, laid back guy has a serious and results driven wife. They compliment each other, maybe opposites do attract but often (I think) roles in a relationship are defined by the personality of each partner. If the woman swings a hammer and the husband is a file clerk, no one feels a need to figure out where they fit in that partnership. ..................................... In my last relationship, I was dating this six foot plus construction renovation type guy, we each had our strengths and he was always telling me to get comfortable with being gay etc but there was one thing I found a little funny. It was that he wanted to be seen as the dominant person in the relationship by others. Mr I am so cool with my sexuality was worried about not being viewed as the alpha male, strange for someone who was supposed to have worked all that out years ago. Me, I don't really care, I mean if they know I am sleeping with another guy, I think the picture of me as a ladies man has gone out the window. I would imagine if people talked about us, they would have assumed I was the wife in that relationship, according to their way of thinking. However they would be wrong, it was a partnership, we each stepped up to our strengths just like most couples gay or straight. I think the more we get to know about relationships the more we realize how much we all have in common, no matter what our sexuality is. Maybe one day there will be no more stupid questions like "who's the wife".

Halloween Fright.

Well it's over for another year, people ask me if we get any children because I live out in the country and I always answer yes we do, we usually get one or two every eighteen to nineteen years. That is the true fright about life around here, it's dying out. Every now and then a young family will move in but once the children reach school age, the parents realize their kids will not have access to the type of education that schools in the city offer and so they leave. Very sad actually, many of the small villages around here have no children, like some sci-fi movie where all the children have been taken away. ............................................ The other scary thing for me is that Halloween marks the beginning of the pre drab grey days before winter. Gone are the colourful leaves, the bright orange pumpkins, the ripe red apples, the cool nights with warm days. No, now it rains and rains and everything looks grey, the sky, the trees and the cold air runs down the back of your neck like ice water. .......................................... Scary as well, Halloween has become political, some places ban it so that people won't be offended or left out because they choose not to take part. I can't help feeling nostalgic about Halloween, it was a fun evening for us, back in the day when kids were constantly reminded to be seen and not heard, compared to today where they are expected to be spoiled and catered to. When did Halloween become a symbol, once upon a time it was just a fun activity for kids, to dress up, to meet their neighbours, to get treats, end of story. There is no great conspiracy behind the tradition. ...........................................I wanted to post yesterday but internet goblins prevented me, so more annoying than scary. Speaking of annoying, I was getting candy yesterday afternoon just in case some little lost child did show up at my door and I had to duck and weave around all the store employees putting up the Christmas decorations, too soon, too soon.

Grocery shopping thoughts.

Why is it that I think of all the craziest thoughts while shopping for groceries. Like for instance, there is some sort of universal conspiracy against me when I go to get my munchies. One of the reasons I dream this up is because inevitably I will always bump into someone who I can't stand, maybe even haaaaaaate. Oh there will be no warning, oh no, they're is no chance of escape, no hiding behind the broccoli and zucchini, it will be turn the corner and blammo, there they are, right in front of me. Oh hi, yes I would love to talk and listen to your bitter hateful rants about whatever and that exciting way you drone on and on but you know that sale on salad dressing is not going to last forever! Then the universe plays that joke where I keep turning into them at every corner, no matter how I try to rearrange my ile search. Finally I give them the slip and while looking over my shoulder, run smack into someone even worse. ...................................... Why do I never meet an old friend, why do I never meet some of the people I admire, why do I never meet a current friend who I just don't get to spend time with. Then I wonder, well worry actually, what if I am "that guy" to someone. What if someone is shopping and his wife comes running up, out of breath and whispers, "don't look now but Steve is to your left buying toilet paper". They nod to each other silently, knowingly, put down their groceries and quietly slip away. Later they tell a friend of the near mishap, "oh that guy would just go on and on". ........................................ I am back to noticing gay couples, I used to watch gay couples shopping together and wish that was me. When I finally had someone to shop with, I stopped noticing. I am funny like that, I never hear of all the wild and crazy stuff gay men get up to and think that I want that for myself. I get excited when I hear two guys get a house together, get married or even shop for groceries together, boring I know but I'm a family man, a gay family man that is. Need to work on that but I'm stalling stalling which is probably better as another post for another day. Anyway I broke down and bought a breakfast type pastry, so you know......

In Love with the Septic Guy.

Is it wrong that I'm in love with our septic system guy? Lol, it started last year, living out in the country we have no city sewage system, so people have to have their own tank which gets pumped out. Now normally I hate calling these guys, usually what happens is some guy shows up who is unshaven, adverse to bathing and hasn't washed his clothes since spring, resulting in more oil on his pants than in all of Texas. Conversation consists of grunts, uh huh and then silence. Sometimes there is a beat up cigarette hanging off his lips as well. I think you people probably get the idea now. ............................................ Last year however a new company started to operate in our area, when the truck showed up, I went to meet the driver, I was momentarily stunned by the GQ model that stepped out of the vehicle. Tall, handsome, with hazel blue eyes that penetrate, sandy blond hair and a natural tan. He was neatly dressed in clean work clothes but also added a little style to them as well. Instantly he connected with me as a person should do with a customer. Bright, funny, intelligent and really easy to talk to. I even teased him about his career choice. He just laughed it off. I think he is young, about twenty four so I don't imagine he will do this forever but I'm sure many people are pleasantly surprised when he shows up. .............................................. Is it wrong I wonder what my septic guy looks like in the shower, at night, running water, soap lathering up to wash away a days work. I can just imagine how crushed I will be if one day I call and some slob shows up again, lol.

Taking part in democracy.

Election day.Today is the day Canadians go to vote for the next Prime Minister of Canada. Many people could not be bothered to take part in democracy, it is not fair to always label the youth with this trend as I know many people of different ages who won't even be able to tell you who won by Friday. .................................... Then there is my mom, she has Alzheimer's, it's in the middle stages, she gets confused a lot, has no grasp of days or months, asks if her parents are still alive and yet she wanted to vote. She sees it as her duty, wants to know the candidates names, which party they represent, remembers the names, which is actually almost a miracle at this point. She is clearly on a mission. So I take her to vote, she marks her X and contributes to the democracy of Canada. She still grasps the importance of that X, no matter the result. Feeling a little proud at this moment.

The Bird of Paradise Falls Silent.

Strelitzia! Strelitzia! What an interesting sounding word. Almost sounds like a toast of joy at an Italian wedding. It is however a thing of great beauty. A flower no less and not just any flower, a flower so beautifully bizarre as to actually look like a little bird perched on a plant. Thus I assume it was given the common name of the bird of Paradise. I was able to see one when I visited the botanical gardens in Montreal, nature can be breathtaking. ........................ Even more wonderful is how I found out about the flower. It happened back when I was first blogging, when I was trying to get my gay legs under me. I was part of a group of blog writers who read and commented on each other's blogs. One day these kind and encouraging comments began to appear on our blogs. The odd thing was, it was a woman! She had stepped into our realm of gay men. Quickly she gained our trust and friendship with her thoughtful comments. She gave herself the blog tag birdie. ............................................ She eventually explained that she had lost a brother who was gay and was saddened by the fact he thought he had to hide his sexuality from her because she was a Christian, however she was a loving Christian, not one of those clobber you over the head with a bible Christians. I became friends with her and we exchanged emails, she was someone I looked forward to hearing from. Like most of my blog friends, I lost touch when I moved to the country. ...................................... A little while ago another past blog friend sadly informed me that birdie had died. She had been battling cancer and it was finally too much. I since have lost that email account so whatever was said between us is gone now. ............................................ I was not sure if it was proper for me to write a post about her. Meaning there are many people who would be devastated by her loss in the real world and I only knew her through the internet. However some of my old posts have been called up on my blog feed and I have been reading them as a way to look back at my progress over the years. Often in the comment section, there she is, supporting me, cheering me on, encouraging me, laughing with me and consoling me over the loss of my father. It may sound strange but I was looking for permission to blog about her, but from who? Then I think it came, strange to say but a post came up called Why Blog, and in the comments I convinced her to finally start a blog as she kept saying that she would one day. I had forgotten about that, it was my moment to realize that maybe in some small way I had affected her life as well. .............................................. I just have to say, Oh you beautiful beautiful lady, if there really is a paradise I hope it's filled with people like you, thank you for the support when I needed support, thank you for the validation when I needed validation, thank you for the friendship when I needed a friend. I am truly saddened by your loss and there is a noticeable silence in the world, a silence that happens when the bird of paradise sings no more.