Saints and Villains.

There are a few old sayings that I find usually ring true. One of the sayings goes something like, "there are no Saints, only undiscovered villains". It seems that every day someone is exposed for sexual harassment or assault and often it's someone we would never have expected. I used to feel sorry for women in less civilized countries, the men there seemed to be like pigs in heat; however it seems our pigs were hiding it better. Lately I hear a name exposed and wonder if it was just some misunderstanding, some bad joke played under the influence of alcohol at a party but no, once the shocking details come out it's clearly predatory behaviour. Does almost every man with a little power feel it is ok to force their will on people that are vulnerable? .............................................. Sadly I think a lot of men still don't get it. I was listening to a conversation between two radio hosts today, one was asking what kind of men are these perpetrators. He went on to say he didn't think any of his friends would do this. I say didn't we learn anything from when people opened up about being abused as children, often it was someone everyone trusted. How many times did we hear people say they would never believe that person could do something so terrible. ............................................... I'm not shocked by this, over the years things have happened at different places where I've worked. The last incident involved one of my closest friends. She was recently married to a great guy and was enjoying her new life. One day someone we had both worked with for years, someone we respected, someone older than us, someone we both trusted completely, cornered her and began sexually assaulting her. Fortunately she was able to get away but for years she was not the same person. The second assault was all the people who couldn't accept that he did this, even though he fully confessed, many people blamed her. Regarding our coworkers, I had a distrustful view of people before this incident, I can't even begin to tell you what I think now. She used to call me up in tears, not understanding why so many people were supporting him. I hate sheepeople, that is probably the reason I could just put a rock through my tv when I see people saying how much they love, admire and forgive the culprits. Easy to forgive when he wasn't groping you, plus do you forgive someone who is sorry for getting caught and not sorry for what they did. ............................................ When I was first coming out, one of my complaints about gay men was that I found so many to be too sexually aggressive. I would be having a great time with my boyfriend and friends, when suddenly some guy would place his hand on my private property! I thought this was a gay issue, clearly not. Many times I hear these straight guys trying to explain away their behavior, saying they didn't think it was inappropriate at the time. If we ad in the gay equation, how many of them would feel comfortable if they showed up at an executive's house and the guy, as big as a football player, stepped out of the shower naked, locked the front door, while saying how nice their ass look in those pants! Would they think that was inappropriate? .............................................. It doesn't have to be someone with great power either, when my sister was young, she had a job that shared space within a police station, we all felt happy for her, the safest place to be we thought. We were raised to respect police and thought of them as heroes. To this day she always says the most disrespectful, filthy minded, creepy pigs of men she has ever worked with was there. I think finally the light is getting through, I feel so sorry for women, we have really been letting them down. I hope this is a turning point, I hope the men who act this way will become a pariah, it will become embarrassing to associate with them. I have to wonder about the past Saints and Heroes, how many women suffered in silence knowing what true villains they were.

Remember Our History.

In the past few years I have noticed a push towards pretending that gay relationships are and have always been, exactly like straight relationships in society. Not so fast, there seems to be this dismissive attitude towards the older gay generations and the struggles they went through. Society was not always this inclusive, you would only have to live in the wrong country for a year to understand what it was like. I don't want to dwell in the past but I don't want things smoothed over either just to make people feel less guilty about prejudiced thinking they once had. Like many gay people, I was happy to see Will and Grace come back, interesting enough they touched on this subject in one episode, focusing on the importance of remembering our past. ............................................. Today in our Parliament the Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau will apologize to members of the LGBTQ community, specifically the older people who were persecuted for being gay. Yes I know this makes the younger people squirm but even in Canada you would be investigated and hunted down by the police if it was thought that you were gay. Your face would end up on the evening news and in the papers. You would lose your job, family and friends would abandon you, people would think of you as a pervert on the same level as drug dealers and thieves, you would be an outcast. Many people committed suicide once it was revealed that they were gay. ............................................. It is ironic to note that the past Justice Minister who stopped this from continuing was Pierre Trudeau, Justin's father, who would later go on to become Prime Minister as well. Pierre had a famous quote "the state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation" which makes perfect sense to most people now but many at the time were horrified by the thought of two people enjoying sex without some sort of rules being applied. People spread rumors that Pierre was a homosexual to try and discredit him, even though he appears to always have been a ladies man. Along with the apology will be compensation for lost wages and expenses brought on by the persecution of these people, that is important I feel because it's not just an "oops sorry" it's a "we were really wrong". It is important for gay people to finally move into their rightful place in society, just as important however is not forgetting the people who suffered to get us here.

Chicken soup, let's make some!

What is good for making chicken soup? I want simple ideas, no searching for some rare spices that haven't been available since Elvis was alive, a hair from Bigfoot or the eye of newt. I have done this before, actually about a month ago I made some. I am using vegetables from my garden, carrots, onions, celery, green beans the usual. I am wondering about spices, I don't want anything that will overwhelm the chicken, because the chicken I am using is my own, so very fresh and a lot of flavour, that's why it's important not to overwhelm the chicken. To honor the boys, it has to be beyond just chicken soup, it has to be "the chicken soup" of all chicken soup, delicious but not complicated. Last batch of soup, I just made up a recipe in my head, some of this, a little of that and it was pretty good but there was just some little thing missing. What can I use to enhance the flavour or work with it, any ideas? There is nothing better this time of year, than coming in from a cold day outside and having homemade soup and a sandwich. I'm so hungry!

Your Golden Boy.

There was an old expression in my area that people used to use in describing someone's favourite child, it was golden haired boy or golden haired girl. These days since most people only have one or two children instead of four or five, that saying is obsolete. I keep hearing some sayings being tossed around the gay community, "gold star gay" or "golden gay". Turns out this is a term for a gay man who has never "been" with a woman, if you know what I mean. That made me laugh, I finally get a gold star but it's not for something I have done, it's for something I didn't do! There are many things I haven't done in life, I should get a trophy! Sorry to my bi readers, you guys are disqualified automatically. People usually ask me that question sooner or later, have I ever dated a woman, have I ever slept with a woman, the truth is no. The next question is always so odd for me, they usually ask "if you have never been with a woman, how do you know that you are gay"? I always answer with a question, I ask them how do they know that they are straight? Sometimes they will ask if I am curious about what it would be like to be with a woman. Then comes the question, "if you had the chance to sleep with a woman, would you"? I have to be honest and I always say..... yes. If I knew her well, felt comfortable with her and she knew about me then yes I would be interested in the experience. I honestly don't know how it would go, if anything would actually work (lol) but I would give it a try. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I'm not bisexual, I would have no interest in starting a relationship, it would just be an experience for me. Sadly one of the side effects would be that I would lose my goal star; however I would have created a new title for myself, "gay curious" a gay identified man interested in straight sex, which is the opposite of straight curious, something we keep reading about but doesn't seem to exist in the real world. Maybe I would start a new trend, there would be a whole column on craigslist for gay men trying to hook up with women. Mostly I tell them that I have enough trouble finding a man to be with, so I am certainly not going to put a lot of effort into losing my shiny star.

Sign of the times "CLOSING".

I was in a store yesterday and I realized that they were playing Christmas music. At first I was thinking they must be nuts, then I started to realize that it's the middle of November already! Already? Middle of November already!!! How is this possible, time is just speeding by. The Christmas music had me thinking (as usual) about the way Christmas was so magical in my younger days. One of the first signs were the arrivals of two cherished Christmas catalogs. The Sears Christmas wish book and the Eaton's Christmas book. I believe Eaton's was a Canadian only store, it was an everything store, much like Sears. In my parents time, you could order a stove, sweater, furniture, horse harness and even a house. The house had some assembly required, this is not a joke, I have been in one. Leading up to Christmas, Eaton's also had a Santa Claus parade, it was tradition for us to watch it on tv every year. My sister and I agreed, Eaton's definitely had a better toy section in its catalog and we went over and over those pages of toys, imagining finding some of them under the tree. Sadly times change, the way people shopped changed and it was the end of an era, Eaton's went out of business. The city of Toronto saved the Christmas parade however, it still runs every year to this day. ............................................. Sears became our "go to store" for most things Christmas and it has been that way ever since. Again, times change and how people shop have changed. Sears has been struggling in Canada and has announced that they are closing their doors for good. It's almost unbelievable to me on one level but on another level I could see it happening. Even myself, I hardly shop there anymore. I will miss having a variety all in one store, from books to socks. I also will miss the fact they had items in many different sizes and colors, unlike most stores these days with the one size fits all policy or teal is the color of the year. Now in December it's almost like looking through an old store yearbook when I unpack the decorations, many of the ornaments came from stores long forgotten and I find myself showing people the boxes saying "remember these guys, remember this". My sister remarked that it's another tradition lost. I shouldn't be that surprised, about two years ago I was doing some last minute shopping on the 23rd, normally I avoid doing that but because of work, I was in a mall the eve of Christmas eve. I was so surprised with how thin the number of shoppers seemed to be. I remarked this to a cashier and she said that because of online shopping, she sees the crowds getting smaller and smaller each year. Maybe one day malls will start to close down as well. In the near future everyone will just do their holiday shopping online, convenient in many ways, no crowds, running around or stress. I enjoy the shopping part, a little hustle and bustle is part of the season to me and it would feel like something was missing if that were to completely change. Just sitting at my laptop ordering items seems too sterile. I just hope they don't figure out some way to send that awful "elevator music" version of Christmas songs over my smartphone.

I See (YOU).

I really believe that one of the reasons I am still single, is because I see people for who they really are and not who I wish they were. I also believe that my last relationship failed, partly because my then boyfriend had this image in his head of his ideal partner, suddenly one day he woke up and discovered that he was actually dating me instead. Even the guy I had a friend's with benefits type partnership with, got into a huge argument with me. He was angry with me because I wouldn't date him,frustrated because I wouldn't give an "us" a chance. The reason was simple, I could see him for who he was, not who I wanted him to be and I knew it would never work. I don't regret that decision. Too many people would feel like they have to follow the script, they would get into a relationship that they know deep down, they don't really want. I know that probably sounds like I'm being too ridged but to me save the romance for the person that makes you feel sparks in your stomach when you see them. I could never date someone, just to not be single, I think a situation like that would give me a claustrophobic feeling. Hopefully one day I will see a man for who he really is, my soul mate.

When Society Fails.

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada, a day to remember all the people who fought and died in service to our country. I usually don't take part in any ceremonies, not because I don't care, and not because I don't understand the sacrifice the people gave for us, it's the opposite. My empathy goes into overdrive, when I start hearing the stories of loss, I find it overwhelming. I can't stand the sense of waste regarding young lives, mostly boys killed in the process of becoming men. A lot of women also but especially in earlier times it was men. It makes me so angry as well that one or two idiots at the head of some government, causes the average person to lose their sons or daughters. I wish there was a world wide counsel of "regular" citizens that monitored governments, whenever one seemed a threat to our family lives, they would disappear. This will never happen and I no longer feel that humanity will grow. I once believed that people would begin to have an awakening with the improvement of communication technology, I no longer feel that way. Typical of us, we use it to hold on to our ignorance. It is such a shame that with the thousands upon thousands of deaths, we really haven't learned a thing. However as an average, regular person, it's still my duty to think of the other average, regular people, who paid the ultimate price for me. The men and women who came back but left a part of themselves behind and the men and women who never came back. The people who didn't come back paid a huge price, not only with their deaths but with the lives they never got to live.

Why are you hear? Looking inward II.

I caught you (me), why are you here Steven (me), what are you looking for? You know that when you are blogging it's because you are not functioning in the real world. You are trying to get back a memory, a feeling, a moment in time but that is in the past. You're looking for that friendship you gained when you first started blogging about wanting to come out. This blog served the purpose but times have changed. Look at the email you received yesterday from an old blog buddy, look how he has moved on to better, much, much better things. Time to try and do the same, every time you post from now on, will be a mark of failure. Your cell is not a buddy, your computer is not a buddy, they can't hug you or help you or have apple crumble with you, what are you doing here. Steven (me) you can't continue to do nothing and then whine about being lonely, your efforts are 100% of the results you will get, either successful or failure. Another thing, pick a better class of people than "you know", if a new friend requires that you be better, then be better and keep them around. If they require nothing of you, then that friendship is worth nothing, and you shouldn't be friends with someone, that you often try to figure out whether they are telling you the truth or not. Everything here is EVERYTHING that you already know and yet you avoid. Coward, you can't hide from me (myself) I know every thought dummy, you are afraid like with Dan, that once someone gets to know you, they will reject you. Big deal, that's life, poop happens. Like everyone else in the world you move on from there, you will never gain any kind of experience from trying nothing.

Chefboyarsteve!

This evening I am very pleased with myself, I was invited to supper and I made a perfect apple crumble. I used apples from my own tree, I don't know what kind it is, the tree is old and grew on its own, the apples need to be left on the tree late into fall before being picked to get the best flavour. The fruit is not that good to just pick and eat off the tree but is really good for baking with. I have been playing around with a simple recipe, adding sliced almonds on top and a couple of teaspoons of my secret ingredient. I also let it cook for about seven minutes longer than asked. On my way over I bought vanilla frozen yogurt to go with my creation. It was a hit, compliments all around. The funny part however and also the best compliment, was every time I looked over, one of my hosts was sneaking another mouthful of apple crumble, in fact as I was getting ready to leave, it was almost all gone. That gave me a satisfying feeling, my efforts were appreciated. I want to see if I can replicate my creation and then maybe, just maybe I will share the recipe, maybe.

Looking inward, I.

Wednesday my closest neighbors asked me over for supper. Living in a small town, I have known the husband my entire life, he is a little older than I am, I even looked up to him when I was a child. He pulled out old photos and an old high school year book from his time in high school. Looking through old pictures, at the hair cuts, clothes, plus the youth of the people, caused me to think about my younger days. I was thinking about what was running through my mind in my late teens to early twenties and that one of the most homophobic people I know of from back then, was me.

Straight, to the point.

I keep reading articles about "straight" guys who like to have sex with other men. Didn't we used to call that bisexual?

Dead Quiet for Halloween.

No children again this year for Halloween, out here in the country, Halloween is dead and not the spooky dead like ghosts, the boring end of an era kind of dead. It's what happens when the breeders don't breed, no children. It used to be that people would drive to the neighbors but not anymore, everyone heads for the nearest village and drops the kids off. Even people in the villages notice the difference. My aunt living closest to me, used to get around two hundred kids, a lot for a small village, now however she only gets twenty to thirty. Last year I had two kids but I cheated, I text the mom to stop in on her way past my house, not counting those two it has probably been twenty to twenty-five years since the last child. Oh well, I guess that I will just have to eat these delicious mini chocolate bars. I was a bit of a procrastinator getting them, just this afternoon is when I bought them. All the stores had moved the candy and Halloween displays near the doors... because as usual they were frantically filling the shelves with Christmas items. ................................................. I remember my last Halloween, I was ten or eleven, it was a rite of passage for us to stop around that age in my area, a sign of maturity, unlike the city kids, a person would be called a baby if they were in high school and still trick or treating. My sister had started high school so she was no longer interested in going and my father said he wasn't going to just take me. A friend living close by, invited me to join her and her brother. That evening I had a lot of fun, we rode in the back of a pickup and her mother would drop us off and just let us go to work, walking up and down the streets and then taking us to another part of the Village, this was new to me. My father would only let us go to seven or eight houses, he always seemed embarrassed by us trick or treating, to him it was almost a form of begging. I remember it being really warm that last night and the moon was shining. We finished our candy quest and decided to ride home in the back of the truck, (something kids would not be allowed to do now). I remember leaving the Village and looking up at the sky, hoping to see a bat or an owl, something Halloween-ish, maybe even a witch's silhouette against the moon light. I remember also taking in the moment that this was my last Halloween to trick or treat, I also remember thinking that growing up sucks!