Yup, so ten uhh.

Today is the day, no big hoopla or anything but today it's ten years since I started this blog. It started with a post called AWAKENING, I thought about reposting but I was afraid that I may accidentally deleted it. I had been communicating with some people in the blogosphere a year or two before starting the blog, so it wasn't totally out of the blue. I don't see it as an anniversary or milestone, more like "YIKES" has it really been that long. So much has changed in blogland, all my old blog buddies have vanished except for two. I miss the other people, they helped me so much way back then. I don't think I ever planned on blogging this long, I think it was more my intention to blog until I was comfortable enough to start telling people in the real world that I am gay. My plan was to start dating, get a boyfriend and then a blog about coming out would become obsolete. Plus once you are in a relationship, blogging is the least of your priorities. I certainly never thought about a ten year mark. Looking back, there has been a huge positive shift in the way Canadians accept the LGBT community from as little as ten years ago. ....................................... Like other bloggers, I have wondered about ending my blog; however this is not a novel or movie script, life goes on and people should feel free to leave and come back when ever situations give them something to blog about or not blog about. Makes me wonder about ten years from now, things will be different for me, I will be in a different stage of life, makes me a little sad actually, a little frightened to be honest. Will I be alone, will I be sick, will I be here? Lol, will I still be looking back and blogging that it's been ten years again already and whining about "where did the time go". My message to future me.... Hi future Steven, I guess you really miss your hair now, I hope all our plumbing still works ;) lol. I hope we have figured something about life out by now, I hope we found love again, I hope we are happy at least.

Spinning Moral Compass.

I was listening to a radio program and it was talking about how we change as we get older. The guest was also saying that most people believe they have changed little since they were 25 years old, even if they were currently 60 years or more. One of the questions was about morality, I have no problem admitting that I was very judgmental when I was younger compared to now. I will also come clean and admit my sense of morality has really shifted, I am way more accepting of people's private lives and what they do, actually I think the word is "turned on" more by certain situations than I was years ago. There are a lot of things I would do now that I thought were "wrong" just a few years ago. What ever two to five consenting adults do in their bedroom, is none of my business (lol). Lately I wonder about my choices, I wonder what I would be like if there were no STDs, especially the kind that can kill you. Now don't panic, I will never do this, but I find the clips of strangers hooking up really exciting, in a raw straight to it male doing what nature intended him to do kind of way. Sometimes society forgets that men are the stallions of the human animal. If there was no danger in this behavior, I know as little as ten years ago, there would be no way I could do something like that, now however, I am not so sure. Maybe I would try it once to have the experience but it probably wouldn't be for me because I like to have some type of bond with the person I'm being intimate with but you never know. I think also maybe that is the point of sex with a stranger or strangers, there is no effort put into a bond, it's just raw sex, no thinking just doing. I don't see myself thinking this way a few years ago, I now don't see it as something bad, just something different from the usual "person meets person" and falls in love type of relationship. I also am not worried that I no longer find things like this wrong. Anyway, as I said, don't panic, this will only happen in the world of daydreams.

Ten? Really?

I see that my time blogging is soon going to reach the ten years mark, I can't believe that, it feels more like three or four years ago that I started. Realizing this decade timeline, I was in a bit of a panic, I was thinking not much has changed, that I am still at step one, that I may have even regressed. Suddenly the little voice in the back of my mind said, "aaaaah shut up and quit that f#&$ing whining! You have come a long way and are happier for it." True, maybe my life is not how I wanted it to turn out, maybe it will get better gay-wise, maybe it won't but at least I am longer obsessed with the fact that I must hide who I am. Comfortable is a word I would use about being gay, I still have my "why me" days but mostly that makes me tired, why me gets me nowhere. Just going over past posts and reading some of my thoughts from back then, reminds me of where my mind was, I feel, or actually I know I have changed a lot. I forget most days that I am gay, it will almost startle me when I remember during a conversation regarding relationships, almost a "oh yes, now I remember why there is no misses Steve and all the little Stevens". Turns out that a goal of mine was not to be seen as a walking sexuality, I worried in the past about people seeing me as a gay man, gay Steven and not just a man who also happens to be gay, now I don't worry about that, I don't think I would really care much what people would think anyway. I think I am at that point, I think we're all at that point, people mostly see us as who we are and not as a homosexual lol. These days I have become more obsessive about time running out and other middle age stuff, ten years, how did that happen. ...................................That little voice just said "oh f#$&ing barf! You just had to end on a sad moaning whining note like the f###ing drama queen you can be at times, if you were out having sex with a hot guy like I keep TELLING you to, there would be no time for collecting sympathy... bitch!" Yeah it does have an attitude problem but it's attitude from a place of love, I hope.

Someone else's time.

My time is not my own, my time is not my own. Lately I feel my time belongs to someone else. I never get to have a day to myself. Work demands my time, mom being ill demands my time, Murphy's law unexpectedly steals a lot of time, neighbours requiring help need my time and it just seems to happen over and over. Every time I take a day off I seem to end up using the day for some issue that comes up. I can't get caught up, there is never enough time.

Man Boobs

When I get out of the shower or am changing my shirt, I really don't like what I'm seeing. I developed a little pot belly and worse are man boobs. I'm too skinny for man boobs, I guess it's an age thing. I don't really have the time to exercise properly but I should be doing that, after all I have no intention of getting a bra. I notice some older joggers, even though they have a great body, when they start running they often have saggy, swaying man boobs. Just as upsetting is my one asset, minus the "et", a once cute little butt is going flat, like a car tire that has been punctured. No wonder a lot of older people drink.