Friday, March 4, 2016

The Friend and the Benefits.

I had thought of many ways of easing my readers into my latest choice regarding my new friend but the heartbreak drama kind of put everything out there. I won't lie and say it just "happened". I knew he was open to a friend with benefits, it's kind of how I found him. I went over to his place the first time to check him out. I actually didn't feel any kind of connection to him the first night, other than he seemed very genuine and so I thought at least I would have a friend out of our meeting. I wasn't attracted to him, he said he was early fifties but to me I thought he was closer to sixties, it was dark and hard to tell. ............................................. The next time I went over was during the day, I noticed his blue eyes and in daylight he looked younger, after a while he excused himself and changed into a lighter shirt, that is when I saw his smooth arms and shoulders, I knew then he was being truthful about his age. ............................................... I have always considered myself to be a sexual person, even though I never ever seem to get to have sex. I think growing up in a time when gay sex was constantly being mentioned in the same breath as HIV, aids, hospitals and death, pretty much took away the desire to meet people. I never really had sex until my twenties, even then it was very little. My boyfriend and I at that time had roommates, we were both in the closet so time alone was rare. In my late twenties and into my thirties, I shut down my gay self, I threw away that part of my life which I deeply regret now. When I finally got back into a relationship, even though the guy was fantastic to me, things fell apart and to be honest it was in large part to the fact that he was one of those rare men that doesn't like sex. Near the end of our relationship I was lucky to get anything from four to eight months. ............................................ Enter my latest buddy, the second night I was there when I saw him with no shirt on, I was attracted to him but only in a sexual way. He was not shy but was very respectful towards me and that is just a huge turn on for me as well. He complimented me, said I was his type and I could see he was really attracted to me and not just saying he was, that's a good feeling, to be desired by someone. I felt so sick and tired of being alone, I was tired of always doing the right thing and mostly I just wanted to see another guy naked other than porn and be able to touch him. He could tell I wanted to ask him something but was unable to, so he invited me to relax in his Jacuzzi, I paused for a long time and said yes. This lead to more after and honestly it was pretty awesome, we seem to have some crazy chemistry between us and it was a perfect match. ........................................ He had all the right moves, he never tried to push me beyond what I was comfortable with and he was careful. So it surprised me with how awful I felt after. On my drive home I thought I was about to cry or something dramatic like that, like I lost a part of me or betrayed myself, maybe I did, maybe by having a friend with benefits signaled to me that I have given up on a real relationship. I noticed something right away, when I was with Dave my past boyfriend, I loved his scent, so much so that I could actually sleep better by cuddling with one of his shirts. Now however I could smell this guy's scent on me and it almost made me sick, I would scrub it off immediately when I got home. .............................................. I could end this post here, I could say I learned my lesson, friends with benefits is not for me. That wouldn't be what actually happened, the strangest thing occurred the next day, I woke up with an absolutely raging erection that stayed with me throughout the day, I kept having flash backs from the night before, not to be gross here but I was soaked by days end if you get my drift. It was a little exciting like back being teenager again. That night on my way home, I decided to give the friend with benefits thing a try, after all, I'm not seeing anyone, he is not seeing anyone, we live close to each other and we are both tired of being alone.


Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up too much.

Ur-spo said...

Perhaps you take the Liza Minelli approach. She was consulted once on a relationship and what it all meant. She replied:

"Gee, I don't know, does it matter so long as your'e having fun?"

Sooo-this-is-me said...

JP, that's my thing, do something then worry about my choice after.

Michael, actually I am trying to convince myself of the very same approach but it's a struggle.