About the gay thing.

I just have not had time to be gay, I have not had time to be Steven, there are many days were I don't even stop to eat. My days are filled with other more demanding things and sometimes I just fall into bed at night really exhausted. I do get to talk to Dave once or twice a week and he is very understanding having lost his mother less than two years ago.

I think the "gay" part of me wanted some attention as it came out in the craziest of dreams last week. In taking a break from hospitals etc, I thought this is the only place where people could laugh at this dream or at least understand it.

In my dream I was at my parents house, I was getting ready to go to the hospital as everyone else was already there. I ran down the basement stairs to get my boots and there sitting on the steps, completely naked was Tom Cruise. In the dream not only was he naked (the younger hotter version of Tom) but he was also..... how should I say this... he was stroking his top gun and was excited to show me the money (shot). I looked at him in shock, he turned to me and said "sorry but I didn't think you would mind, you know what it is like having to hide being gay and everywhere else I go you know the paparazzi will be waiting for me. I figured it would be more private here". He wanted me to watch as that was part of the excitement for him and so I did, well you probably would have too!

I woke up and thought "where the heck did that come from?" I guess it has something to do with putting my other life on the back burner. The funny thing is that I'm not really a Tom fan, I mean I will watch a movie that he is in but I never really think about him, there are many actors I would like to have found in my basement. Still let me just say that Tom was in very nice shape and built as well. ;)

Silly post I know but I just needed to think of something other than hospitals, cancer and stress. I have learned to give myself a day or two of happy thoughts so that I can go back and take on the day to day challenges that my family is going through.

"Dad"

It is hard to accept that one day very soon, no one will answer to "Dad" when I say it out loud. All test came back and the news was really bad. They said there is nothing they can do for my father except try to keep him from suffering. He came home last Thursday and I hope he will be able to stay there until the end. My Dad was a very strong independent type person, my biggest fear is for him to end his days in a hospital with tubes stuck in him. I stay strong around my parents but I don't do so well when I have a minute to myself. It is cutting to think he will no longer be around soon. It is also hard to see he is frightened of what is coming and there is not a thing any of us can do about it. I always felt the people who suddenly lost a loved one, were much better off than they thought, as hard as it would have been to have lost Dad suddenly, this is much harder.

Again, so many of you have sent emails and left kind comments, I deeply thank you as it does help. I'm sorry for not getting back to each of you personally but I usually just check emails while checking on my place. My parents do not have internet access at their place, actually they still are on the party line system, most of you probably don't understand what that is.

Steven