We can't change the past but I wish I could, people always tell me we can't go back and I know that but... I wish that I could go back and find a backbone to change many things. Not so much things that happened, more like things that I did not let happen. People I would not allow myself to meet, words that I did not speak, phrases that I did not say. I'm stuck again, in that rut of feeling sorry for myself in how I let my life play out, or should I say how I let time run out. Lately it really gets me down, perhaps it is the dark winter months drawing out problems that are lying under the surface. People can tell me maybe I was meant to wait for Dave, or that I could have wasted my time dating a few Mr wrongs first. Is that not however the way life is suppose to work, we have some experiences and learn from them.
Some days I feel sorrow for the young man that never got to live his life, how I kept him hidden away in a closet. I think of how he wanted friends he could be close to, someone to love him and him to love back, how he just wanted to go out and dance. Nothing strange, no heavy drinking just to go out and dance with a group of his peers. He was a nice young man and he should have had his chance, however that time is past now.
I had a dream the other night and it makes me think this veil is lifting. I woke up from it feeling good about myself. I dreamt that I was back in high-school, one of my friends was asking if I was seeing anyone. I proudly answered, "yes I am" they asked who and without any fear I said "I'm seeing a guy in the city, his name is Dave". They were surprised and said "you mean you're gay"! I just calmly answered back "well yeah, didn't you know". That seemed to make them feel stupid for saying something they should have known. We just went on from there like nothing happened. Of course that is probably not how things would have turned out if I really told them back then but still the dream speaks volumes. Normally in a dream I would still deny that I am gay, this time it made me feel good to tell the truth and not scared. I smiled when I woke up because of the feeling I had in the dream, of being proud to be in a relationship with a man like Dave and without second thought I wanted that person to know. I think it all fits into me accepting being gay and it gets a little better each day.
The dream also helped in that it went back to my youth and felt as if I was repairing the damage of hiding, maybe not so much the damage of hiding but the damage of not living that part of myself. We can't change the past but maybe we can go back and change the nightmares from our past, maybe we can dream life better... and move on from there. Maybe that young man's chance is gone now but he can say to his older self, "its your turn, live your life for the both of us.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Gay Bonding
Speaking of bonding, that would be James Bond-ing, I just watched Casino Royale for the first time with Dave the other night. As gay men bonding... HAVE YOU SEEN THE ASS ON DANIEL CRAIG!!! We just sat there drooling. Never mind that I'm not a big Bond fan, never mind that I thought Dalton and Brosnan were too soft to play Bond, never mind that I think Craig just breathed life back into the Bond character... just look at that ass and the way those pants cling to that butt! O_O
We liked Craig so much in that role that we went out to see the new movie in theaters. We had just missed the start of the film so we will go back another day to catch it. Dave and I were talking after and I wondered out loud to Dave, would it not be cool if one day there was a bisexual Bond. Not only would he end up sleeping with all the hot women in the movie, but being such a player he would also end up with some of the hot guys that often appear in the movies. I think that gay men also have that attraction to the 'bad boys'. We also joked that anyone who sleeps with Bond always ends up dead but looking at Craig.... hey what a way to go!
We liked Craig so much in that role that we went out to see the new movie in theaters. We had just missed the start of the film so we will go back another day to catch it. Dave and I were talking after and I wondered out loud to Dave, would it not be cool if one day there was a bisexual Bond. Not only would he end up sleeping with all the hot women in the movie, but being such a player he would also end up with some of the hot guys that often appear in the movies. I think that gay men also have that attraction to the 'bad boys'. We also joked that anyone who sleeps with Bond always ends up dead but looking at Craig.... hey what a way to go!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
One Day, One Year
This past weekend I spent with Dave (like most of my weekends now) because it was his birthday. Sadly our city picked this time of year to be asleep, entertainment wise that is. It also became bone-chilling cold so it was better to stay indoors and snuggle. We did have a good friend over for dinner Saturday, he like me, has only been out for a short time and it was fun to talk about the gay bloopers we both made. We also did some shopping Sunday and then I took Dave for his birthday dinner to a gay owned restaurant. The food and atmosphere were great but we were disappointed that it was a slow night because of the weather and we ended up being the only couple there. We wanted to be part of the herd, you know... sometimes we just want to be with other gay couples.
Today my Babe sent me an email from work, it was one of the ads I had put on line looking for gay friends, the date is a year ago today. This ad was my third attempt and I was about to give up. Little did I know that a super nice gay man was about to read it, feel a connection with me, contact me and offer a hand in friendship. The rest as they say is history, this would start a chain of emails and a few phone calls, later on February sixth we would meet in person for the first time, that evening I would have very strong feelings for someone I just met and that would kind of have me caught off guard. Dave had sent me a picture but I remember when he walked in and I saw him for the very first time, I thought 'wow he is so tall, I love tall guys'. He was easy to talk to and I felt relaxed with him. I can remember sitting there hanging on his every word, staring into his soft brown eyes and thinking he was such a nice down to earth kind of guy, the kind of guy I would love to date, I also remember thinking "he is perfect but a guy like him would never be interested in me".
The other thing that attracted me to him was his thoughtfulness, he was suppose to be a friend to help me experience gay life. We were on our way to my very first gay-bar visit, he was so understanding that he had us meet in a coffee shop first so that I did not have to go in alone. That spoke volumes to me about the kind of guy he is. I don't want to jump ahead too much here because I will probably blog about our first meeting again and also about when we decided to go out with each other. For now however I will take a moment and just think back to my message and to the lonely gay man who did not know he had just wrote the few sentences that would finally change his life towards the way he wanted to be living it.
Today my Babe sent me an email from work, it was one of the ads I had put on line looking for gay friends, the date is a year ago today. This ad was my third attempt and I was about to give up. Little did I know that a super nice gay man was about to read it, feel a connection with me, contact me and offer a hand in friendship. The rest as they say is history, this would start a chain of emails and a few phone calls, later on February sixth we would meet in person for the first time, that evening I would have very strong feelings for someone I just met and that would kind of have me caught off guard. Dave had sent me a picture but I remember when he walked in and I saw him for the very first time, I thought 'wow he is so tall, I love tall guys'. He was easy to talk to and I felt relaxed with him. I can remember sitting there hanging on his every word, staring into his soft brown eyes and thinking he was such a nice down to earth kind of guy, the kind of guy I would love to date, I also remember thinking "he is perfect but a guy like him would never be interested in me".
The other thing that attracted me to him was his thoughtfulness, he was suppose to be a friend to help me experience gay life. We were on our way to my very first gay-bar visit, he was so understanding that he had us meet in a coffee shop first so that I did not have to go in alone. That spoke volumes to me about the kind of guy he is. I don't want to jump ahead too much here because I will probably blog about our first meeting again and also about when we decided to go out with each other. For now however I will take a moment and just think back to my message and to the lonely gay man who did not know he had just wrote the few sentences that would finally change his life towards the way he wanted to be living it.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
My Secret Blog
I confess to you my readers that yes... I have another blog! I started one a few months ago, it involves a secret obsession I have, in fact it is one of the things Dave and I bonded over. He has had a liking for this, ummm shall we say... hobby for years as well. Okay perverts get your minds out of the gutter, it has nothing to do with chains, leather, sex, or anything to do with being gay. No I'm not telling you what it involves and no I'm not telling you the name of my other blog, mostly because you will laugh at me and also because I want to keep them separated. I talk about a hobby of mine but I do not talk about myself, I just did not want to get into the whole being gay and having a boyfriend and it is not the type of thing where you will find many gay people, or so I thought, I was just keeping it simple. How cool is this, I am starting to slowly attract readers, the second person who contacted me with a similar blog is a gay man living with his partner, I have not told him yet about myself and maybe I never will, also a woman who follows my blog then listed another blog she reads as well as mine, it is about a lesbian couple getting into the same hobby. That is so cool, watch out straight people...we are EVERYWHERE and we look just like YOU! Well for the most part that is, I mean there are a few lumberjacks in high heels.
P.S. Fuck you Dr Phil you dumb ass! Sorry had to get that off my chest.
P.S. Fuck you Dr Phil you dumb ass! Sorry had to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
In The Back Of My Mind
Accepting being gay seems to be a never ending story. I know I had no choice, I know this is who I am. I always believed that I was born this way as I have 'known' something was very different about me from the beginning. I am trying to do my best to live as a normal guy, that is a normal guy who just happens to also be gay. Every now and then however I hear something that hurts... deeply... no it is not some goof saying the word 'fag' or some religious nut spewing off at the mouth. It is when I hear something from a source that I thought I trusted. It seems that some Doctors believe that we may not be born gay but born with a gene that can trigger us being gay. That is why they say not all identical twins are both gay. Some are saying that to prevent this (being gay) young boys need to spend special time with their fathers, they said it does not matter what they do, but that the bond it formed with their male role model. Example being that if a boy likes to play with dolls or tea party, the father does not make him stop playing dolls but rather gets down on the floor and plays with the boy. Over time the child bonds with the father and this is suppose to keep the homosexual feelings from being triggered. I was shocked to see this also on Dr Phil, I thought he was big on helping people. It made me take a step back because I wondered if Phil would have a quack on his show.
This is another one of those arrows that pierces my very core. Back in circles again, about being gay, accepting myself as gay, feeling that I had no other choice. It hurts to think that maybe I could have been straight, with a wife, kids and all the other happy ever after story lines that go along with it. That was all I ever wanted, however now I finally started to accept that this is a version of life I will not have. To think only because of not being close to my Dad, if he had taken the time to just pay a little attention to me maybe things would be different. It is always there... in the back of my mind... my Dad never had any time for me, we were not close. He was a good Dad as in a provider for the family and he was solid, we always knew he would be there, but he was not affectionate, especially not to a son. It makes me wonder, do these people know this and try to take advantage of these situations, am I gay because my Dad would not let me get close to him, or did he not get close because he did not feel a connection with a son that was softer than other boys his age and had no interest in the same things.
I expected better from a show like Dr Phil. I guess I should have clued in that Phil is not about helping people like Oprah does when he showed up at the hospital with cameras in tow to make a scene with Spears, even when her family asked him to stay away. I even hear he is not an actual Dr because he ran into trouble for hiring one of his patience and then made a pass at her (or so she says). Even if they found a way to change people in their adult life, what am I suppose to do with this now, thank them for saying everything I struggled with is no longer valid, that finally being honest with myself was a waste, that I should say goodbye to my first love and find someone else, would they? Am I suppose to feel good about being call an accident or gay time-bomb, like a cell that turns cancerous or having DNA that causes me to have some genetic disorder later in life? Why change it anyway, if the trigger is there that turns some children gay, it must have a purpose in life, maybe to keep the population down, and no matter what you believe in regarding nature, God etc, you are tampering with something that probably was meant to be, I was meant to be.
This is another one of those arrows that pierces my very core. Back in circles again, about being gay, accepting myself as gay, feeling that I had no other choice. It hurts to think that maybe I could have been straight, with a wife, kids and all the other happy ever after story lines that go along with it. That was all I ever wanted, however now I finally started to accept that this is a version of life I will not have. To think only because of not being close to my Dad, if he had taken the time to just pay a little attention to me maybe things would be different. It is always there... in the back of my mind... my Dad never had any time for me, we were not close. He was a good Dad as in a provider for the family and he was solid, we always knew he would be there, but he was not affectionate, especially not to a son. It makes me wonder, do these people know this and try to take advantage of these situations, am I gay because my Dad would not let me get close to him, or did he not get close because he did not feel a connection with a son that was softer than other boys his age and had no interest in the same things.
I expected better from a show like Dr Phil. I guess I should have clued in that Phil is not about helping people like Oprah does when he showed up at the hospital with cameras in tow to make a scene with Spears, even when her family asked him to stay away. I even hear he is not an actual Dr because he ran into trouble for hiring one of his patience and then made a pass at her (or so she says). Even if they found a way to change people in their adult life, what am I suppose to do with this now, thank them for saying everything I struggled with is no longer valid, that finally being honest with myself was a waste, that I should say goodbye to my first love and find someone else, would they? Am I suppose to feel good about being call an accident or gay time-bomb, like a cell that turns cancerous or having DNA that causes me to have some genetic disorder later in life? Why change it anyway, if the trigger is there that turns some children gay, it must have a purpose in life, maybe to keep the population down, and no matter what you believe in regarding nature, God etc, you are tampering with something that probably was meant to be, I was meant to be.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Okay, being lazy again.
I'm being lazy about blogging again so here goes.
Little Holiday story........
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to - God - with
no actual address. So, he thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in
it, which was all the money I had until my next pension
payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of
my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you
are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and
came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the
rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.
The Holiday came and went. ... A few days later, another letter came
from the same old lady & , again, it was addressed to God. All the
workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Hope this made you smile, now I'm off to see my honey bunny! ;)
Little Holiday story........
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to - God - with
no actual address. So, he thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in
it, which was all the money I had until my next pension
payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of
my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you
are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and
came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the
rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.
The Holiday came and went. ... A few days later, another letter came
from the same old lady & , again, it was addressed to God. All the
workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Hope this made you smile, now I'm off to see my honey bunny! ;)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Just Joking.
Nothing much to say except I just saw something funny and I wanted to share. I was watching a comedy show and a woman was playing the role of a little girl. She sadly said to the crowd, "there are thousands and thousands of McDonald's restaurants in the world and you know how many cows have to die each day to supply those restaurants? Three!"
Monday, January 5, 2009
Happy New Year !
Happy New Year everyone! Hope your holidays were good. I'm around but not on the computer much these days so sorry for the silence. Nothing too exciting to report, just kind of cool to have someone special to share the holidays with. We went to a few dinner parties etc but mostly stayed around the city.
We did finish watching Six Feet Under after spending many evenings snuggled together on the couch when it was too cold out side. What a great show, as for the last few episodes I would just like to say WHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh yes, we both cried like babies but I'll never admit that out loud! It really moves a person and makes you think hard about life... as in what 'is really' important and what is not. I think I have been stuck in this train of thought for the last three years so the show just fit into my way of thinking lately. Okay now I have to see what you guys have been up to on your blogs!
We did finish watching Six Feet Under after spending many evenings snuggled together on the couch when it was too cold out side. What a great show, as for the last few episodes I would just like to say WHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh yes, we both cried like babies but I'll never admit that out loud! It really moves a person and makes you think hard about life... as in what 'is really' important and what is not. I think I have been stuck in this train of thought for the last three years so the show just fit into my way of thinking lately. Okay now I have to see what you guys have been up to on your blogs!
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