Friday, August 31, 2007

Selectively Out, or not.

Until very recently, even just the thought of coming out to anyone would start my heart racing. I saw it as the end if someone found out I was gay. I feared the finality of coming out, once the words were out they could never be retracted, if it went badly there would be no turning back I would have to take what ever was thrown my way. I also worried about the disappearance of "me", I did not want people to see me as just a gay man but as a man, who also happens to be gay. It is important that my personality is not perceived as just a supporting role for my homosexuality. Worse was the thought that someone would view me with pity, as if I were a second class member of society. I wonder if fear of people not accepting me being gay was really me not accepting myself as being gay.

Something finally began to change for me inside, I began to feel that I wanted to tell people, that I almost needed to tell people. I wanted to be honest with my friends and let them know who I really am. A blogger friend of mine told me he thought I was brave to want to start and tell people, I told him truthfully I am not brave just really tired of pretending. I feel this whole straight guy act is about to unravel and I don't have the strength or desire to keep it up.

Another blogger buddy of mine and I were once talking about my coming out and he asked me what would be the worst possible result that I imagined from telling friends. I told him that visions of angry villagers with pitchforks and torches pounding on my door would be one that comes to mind. Seriously I began to think this over, I realized that I have been grooming my circle of friends for this moment, over the last couple of years I began to cut people out of my life that were really bigoted towards gay people and keep those who were more open minded about things. I did not set out to do this as a plan, more like I kept the people I felt more comfortable with. I don't plan to be out and loud about it, more like being selectively out, I don't feel like people at work who are not close to me need to know or some older relatives that I love deeply but being from a different generation would just never understand. However not my friends, I will not be selective with them, if they want to remain friends then I'm a package deal. I had thought of being selective with some of my friends as well, however after some thought on this I just can't see having a friendship with someone that could not be happy for me if I were to find a boyfriend, that would never invite both of us for supper or squirm if I spoke of him. I think that would be only a partial friendship and I am at a place in my life where I don't want a partial life any more.


Big Lost Guy said...

I so know how you feel. I am going through this now and I know the more I talk and tell people the better and better I feel, but I have never been happier in years that I can now be my true self.

It is also nice that you have a group of friends that will be there to support you all the way.

Wayne said...

Glad your starting the process. good luck in your adventure!. I'll be reading.

Anonymous said...

I've still got my eye on you, even though my blog no longer exists. This is a long process... and a hard one. Your true friends will accept you just like you are, because it is what you have been the entire time.