Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Man I Never Was.

I would not want to give the impression that I have happily accepted being gay. The opposite would be true, I have said to my two blog buddies that I feel like I am being dragged into this against my will, kicking and screaming all the way. I can't tell you the rage I feel inside when I hear comments like "gays choose that life so they deserve what they get". I certainly did not choose this but I guess it is just easier for people to remain ignorant than to learn and become informed about a subject. On the road to accepting myself I often hit a stumbling block, that would be when I am with my friends and I see them married, having kids, starting a family. I often feel left behind and I find myself mourning the loss of the straight life I will never have. I feel a sense of living in a world of "in between" where I am not part of the straight culture but I also don't really fit into the gay culture either. I often hoped if I just ignored being gay that it might go away, many nights I have spent calling out to God to take this away from me, even hinting that time was running out for me, so to start a family he had better do something quick. I have finally come to the understanding that I will not wake up one day straight. There is no cure, pill, injection and I realize now that I will not be able to move forward until I accept this. This is who I am, a gay man and I can't go on missing the man I never was.

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