Dear Subconscious, I Hate You!

 Sometimes people talk about the subconscious part of our mind as if it were almost a different person from us. I feel that way most times, I am not familiar with any of the theories or workings regarding the subconscious mind but I often feel like there is another person inside working against me. Basically my subconscious mind is a prick! The little bastard usually likes to get me while sleeping.

 Over my entire life, I have almost never had an erotic dream. Yes I did have a lot of those "messy" dreams as a younger man (a lot) but in those dreams I was always alone doing what I did in real life when alone and feeling aroused. I never got to have the dreams I hear others talk about. Imagine my surprise to find myself dreaming last night that I was young again, early twenties. I was staying at a youth hostel (which never happened) and we were all sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags, again this never happened, this was my mind totally making something up. Most of the young people had either gone off on a morning hike or were eating breakfast.

 There was a young guy sleeping next to me, we had hit it off the night before. He was there with friends, they all seemed straight. He was a bit of a rogue and very good looking. He suddenly became playful and I sent him the right signals, he rolled over under my blankets, positioning himself gently on top of me and things got heavy. It was so real, his warm breath, his soft kiss, the erotic sent of his body, his strong embrace, oh wow.

 Unlike the usual torture my mind likes to play, I didn't wake up, nobody suddenly ran in to stop us, we were not attacked by aliens. Halfway through I went into the bathroom to get something and when I returned my lover was still there, lying nude across the blankets. However.... and I have no idea where the hhhh this came from, but he was doing something so disgusting that it made me start to gag, at first in the dream and then in real life. I woke up so ticked off. What the fluff was that about, am I supposed to learn something from this, couldn't I just for once have a really cool dream like other people. Life is bad enough at times and I certainly don't need myself to add to that. This is not new however, I have always hated my dreams, they have always been torturing, I guess that says something about me but I don't really know what. Way to go subconscious Steve, you jerk! Ruined another good dream.

Reaching out.

 Yesterday I had to go into the city for tax related purposes, it didn't take too long and soon I was on my way home again. I happened to pass by an arena that reminded me of my friend Eric, the straight guy that I first came out to. We had gone shopping together nearby and it made me think about him. I have been thinking a lot about him lately and I often meant to call him. We had actually been getting close, probably as close to another guy as I ever got. The friendship became even stronger after I came out to him, because now I had a male friend who knew the whole me and still wanted to be friends. Everything changed when I started dating, there was less time for him unfortunately, then dad got sick, then I moved away, then mom got sick, then life happened.

 I tried to keep in touch but eventually we drifted and to be honest, it was mostly my fault.  I really missed the guy, sometimes I don't know what was wrong with me, why I let that friendship go. As I was driving home I was about to pass the highway that leads to his town, when that little voice in the back of my mind said, "let's go visit Eric"! It was after two in the afternoon so I wouldn't be interrupting lunch and if he had guests I could just keep on driving.

 Things looked different, it's probably been nine
years since I was at his place. I recognized the landscape of all things. I knocked and his wife answered. He was so glad to see me,  he hasn't changed much, a little grey up top. I joked that I was hoping he was bald and fat so that I could tease him. He is one of those friends that you may not see for a while but you just click so well with, that it feels like last week since you saw each other. We exchanged new stories to get caught up, we laughed at old stories, we get each other's humour or should I say "lack" of humour. I didn't want to impose too much since I had just dropped in unannounced but he kept asking me to stay a little longer. He was actually a little excited to see me I think. When we were finally saying our last goodbyes, I said "I kinda miss you" and he said, "well don't stay away so long"! That's what I like about being gay, I can say I miss you or I love you and people don't panic, I guess they feel there might be a hidden agenda if a straight guy says it.

 Step one, reach out to an old friend, step two, after positive result don't be a dumbass and lose it again, step three, hang on like a mouse trap! It's a little strange but I am starting to think some people actually like me.

ABBA returns? Squeeeeeal!

 Not that long ago (ok it was long ago but my blog, my rules) when I was a little boy, I went on a long drive with my dad to go look at cattle he was thinking of buying. I was having guy time with my dad, very important to a little gay kid, just me and my dad, with no attention hogging older sister around to show me up. On our way back home as part of our big adventure we stopped into a restaurant for supper, where I probably got a hamburger and orange crush because when ever I ate out, that's what I wanted. While sitting there eating, an old fashion jukebox with the dome shape lights was playing music. If you are too young to know what a jukebox is, I hate you, go away never to return to this blog again. It's like a giant Walkman, if you don't know what a Walkman was, I hate you, go away never to......

 The jukebox played music on its own or you could put a quarter into it for a song you wanted to hear. While sitting there everything went silent, then as if from a distance, this absolutely beautiful song began to softly form in the air, it was Fernando by ABBA, the first time I heard an ABBA song, I half expected to see angels appear. As a little kid, I was spellbound by the beauty. My dad said to me something along the lines of, "that's a pretty song". Somewhere deep inside of me, my baby gay DNA went, "ahhh, we have been stimulated, activate endorphins". A few nights later we were watching a variety show, and they were introducing a band that was trying to break into the North American market. I heard the beautiful song starting again, I sat down and was dumbstruck as four of the most beautiful, tall blonde Swedish people I had ever seen came out and started singing, (they were all blonde at this time), they not only sounded like angels to me, they looked like them as well. Again my baby gay DNA was awakened, "activate pop group imprinting for life long devotion"! Thus started my love of all things ABBA, yes it wasn't cool but I couldn't hide it. I think in my teen years, it was almost as bad to like ABBA as it was to be gay.

 Imagine then when I heard that ABBA is about to release two more songs after 35 years. I try to be reasonable about it and wonder if they haven't gone senile. However that little boy from years ago is squealing with absolute delight in my head so I am not going to ruin it for him. I hope the songs are completely typical for ABBA, we could really use a good ABBA song lately. I hope it has that signature foot tapping, emotion building, pop filled chorus like all the old songs did. I hope it causes those happy, happy feelings! La la la.

Little Steven: "now can I"?
Older Steven: "alright go ahead".
Little Steven: "new ABBA songs, shrieeeek"!

Formula, 2Gay 4Me?

 Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, actually not sometimes, most times. I moan and whine about not meeting other gay people and then not only do I "not" go and meet people, I turn away a chance to meet people. I need gay therapy!

 Take for example when I went to see the gay film Love Simon, I was sitting there thinking I will be able to check out the "herd". It was very possible that there would be another one or two guys there just like me, watching it alone because most of their friends are straight or lesbians. I was a little early and so I got to watch people as they came in. Typical of Steven, the crowd began to file in and it was mostly middle aged women. There were some teenage girls, a few uncomfortable husbands that were dragged there by their wives, some daughters who brought their mothers, the usual life moments that make me feel like there is a giant conspiracy against me. Finally a gay couple came in, a little younger than me, they sat behind me, a little to my right. No joking I could smell bad breath coming from one of them, so I knew I wouldn't be trying to chat with them after. The lights went down and a few more people came in.

 After the movie was over I waited a little and left. Now here comes my smooth move on how not to make friends. As I was leaving there was a single guy walking out as well. Tall with average looks and about my age. I felt he was trying to keep an even pace with me, I saw him look over at me a few times as if going to say something. If I had stopped, if I spoke to him I know a conversation would have begun. I didn't because I pre-judged him, I never gave him a chance. I found him too well dressed, not like he was going out to the Royal Ball after but too gay style-ish. I felt he probably put too much effort into appearances. The way he dressed made me think a little of a cross between a futuristic space suit and a gay vampire. I know that sounds harsh but that was the vibe I received. I kept ignoring him and wouldn't slow down to give him any opportunity to speak to me.

 When I got home I realized what a dumb move that was. Maybe he was just a nice guy with a different sense of fashion. He may have been creepy but I will never know because I wouldn't give him a chance. Even if we became friends and nothing came of our relationship, maybe he knows someone who would be a better fit for me. It wouldn't have hurt to speak with him, if he came on to me in an inappropriate way, I could have just said no thanks and zoomed out of there. Maybe he could have become a really good friend, who suddenly realized that he feels empty when I am not around and one day nervously asks me out. I will never know because as usual I didn't ruin my chance, I sabotaged it.

Who did you tell first?

 I was reading about people's experiences with coming out and how much things have changed over the years. That of course depends on where you live, some places it's still dangerous to be LGBTQ but I mean western countries mostly.

 The latest coming out story I know of personally happened to my friend's nephew. My friend started to realize that her nephew was probably gay. She was a little worried because his parents were her older sister and husband. They came from another country, another culture and religious background so she wasn't sure about a reaction. He and his older brother were really good kids and never gave their parents any trouble. When the younger boy turned fifteen, he started to cry one day and told his parents that he is gay. The parents told him to get out and never come back.... actually that would have made for a good movie but what actually happened was the parents told him to stop crying, that he was the best behaved son anyone could ask for, that they love him and will support him and not to worry. He was afraid to tell his older brother, he was very much a typical straight man, into sports, cars, sports, women, sports, university and sports at his university. Although he loved his little brother, he was sometimes stricter with him than the parents. The mother and father decided to tell the older son, when he found out, he pounded his first on the table and said "he's dead to me" ....... that also would look good as a movie scene but here is what really happened. The parents told the older brother, he started to cry and said if anyone touches his little brother he would break their..... well you get the idea, a straight young man's way of saying that he loves and supports his little brother. Later the younger boy wanted to get into designs, fashion etc and the parents gave him their full support.

There are happy endings now, it's important that we hear about them. It also shows how important it is that parents be supportive. He is now a vibrant young man in a relationship and exceeding in his career path. Everyone is excited when he is home to visit, he is allowed to be himself and that let his personality flourish. Compare that to what could have happened if they tried to change him, reject him and not support his dream, the results would have been pain, suffering and distance from each other.


 This had me thinking about the first time I told someone that I'm gay. Not counting my first boyfriend, that doesn't count lol. There is an old post about it here somewhere. It was a straight male friend, I was getting to the point of being ready to tell someone. He asked me one day, I knew I could trust him, it was my moment so I closed my eyes for what seemed like an hour and said yes, yes I am. That was my first step out. I never thought the first person I was going to tell would be a straight guy. It was a really good experience, he was so good to me after. Some people I know, decided to come out to the friend with the least open mind, not sure why, I suspect deep down they wanted all the drama that followed. That certainly wasn't me, I wanted my coming out to go smoothly, I hate drama.

 Who was the first person you ever told and what was the reaction like? First boyfriends or some guy you were having sex with from the sixth grade doesn't count. Maybe you never really came out, maybe you just started living a gay life and people just suddenly clued in, that is common as well.

That's me.

 I was shopping for a husband on line and I came across a description that made me laugh. The guy said that he wasn't over weight but didn't work out either, he said that he is "doughy" and the rest of the ad was quite comical as well. Nobody however will answer him because he was telling the truth and that is forbidden in gay land. That describes me, especially after winter, I'm very thin but as I age I am getting doughy from not keeping in shape. One of the head engineers asked if I was forty, that made me feel good, I said that I'm a little passed that mark.

 The local paper started a free section for dating, I kept thinking about placing an ad, you only need to give an email address so I could stay on the down-low. This week I was beat to the finish line, a gay man advertised looking to meet someone. Now before you all start weeping with joy and clutching your pearls, he is a young man looking for a young man. Worse still, he wants someone to go mountain biking, hiking, climbing, camping, canoeing, surfing. No.... that's not me, I needed a nap after reading that ad. Sounds fantastic in theory and wouldn't we all love to watch two sweaty masculine guys breeding in the woods but that is what porn is for.

 I think if I am being honest, I should advertise for a guy who thinks hiking is fun (in theory) but we accidentally miss out on the hiking because we get hung up at the garage sales on our way to the country. That the smell of fresh air is from the bakery we stop at on the way back. I hope the only climbing we do is onto the couch so that we can snuggle up while watching "This Is Us", the bonding will be the two of us trying not to cry in front of each other. No surfing, snowboarding, skiing or anything else sliding out from under my feet. I don't do any of these things now, why should I look for someone who is addicted to them. On a serious note, I would like to have someone to be more active with, just for a healthier lifestyle.

 A little cultured is nice but not too much of a museum nerd. Relaxing at home is good but dressing up every now and again to go out for an evening is fun, it's uplifting. He can be doughy too, he can be balding, he can be shorter than me, older than me, darker than me (everyone is darker than me) but he has to be nice, friendly and being a little funny helps a lot as well. He can play sports as long as it's ok with him that I don't, plus also I get to see him wear his jock every now and again.

Swinging, weee!

Today I wore boxers, that's the first time I ever wore boxers to work on purpose, sometimes I wear them to sleep or around the house but never to work. I may have worn some when my boxer briefs were all in the laundry. It was a very freeing experience, just letting everything hang naturally, very comfortable. It wasn't that cold today so a lot of swinging was happening. I just got a new pair, seems to be a new habit for me to get into.