The Final Thank You Unsaid.

Today was father's day, I can imagine there were many ugly ties, shirts and socks given as gifts along with cards, maybe even breakfast in bed for some. We never really think about what it means until the time comes when one day you say "dad" and there is no longer anyone to answer. Sitting in my drawer is the last card I bought for my father, we knew he was going to die at the time I bought it but he had been strong those days leading up to that weekend. I was extremely annoyed trying to get him a decent father's day card, everything I read was either jokes about drinking beer, farting or golf which would not be suitable, or the complete opposite with mushy poetry and the I love you so much type of sentiment, also something that wouldn't really relate to my dad. I finally found one that was more meaningful, it was basically a thank you for steering me in the right direction type of card. I was happy with what I bought and felt good about giving it to him. However the day before father's day, my dad had a really hard day and into the night, that morning he was really weak, drifting in and out. My sister and I wanted to give him our cards and little gifts later that morning but the reality that we were about to lose him was heavy on us. Every time we tried to enter the room, we could not keep from crying, the words on our cards took on a new meaning, they were not just words of thank you, they were a final thank you. After many attempts, we decided to let dad rest. Two weeks later he died and the card not given sits there waiting. Sometimes I think that I will burn it on the ten year mark of his death, at other times I think I should read it to him by his graveside, sort of finally giving him the card, but that would be just torturing myself, plus I never feel he is there in any way. I will just say this, thanks Dad for everything and I miss you almost every day still.

Hole Eee Cow!

Today while grocery shopping, I saw the cutest guy I think on the entire planet, this guy was so cute, that he was achingly cute. I wonder what it must be like to be like that. Every time I turned a corner and got to see that incredibly handsome face, it felt like little jolts of electricity in my stomach. To add to his looks, he was also some sort of athlete on a team, oh man did that guy ever show his workout results, there were other guys there shopping with him, they also were easy to look at.... but this guy, it was an event to look at him, even better, he seemed like a nice guy, just from the way he joked with the others. He must have been only about nineteen or twenty, a whole lifetime ahead of him. Some where out there, some lucky woman or man, is going to someday, get to strip down with that body and touch it in ways that I can only dream of. Lol

Size Matters? Yup!

No, not what you people are thinking, you have a dirty mind, I really admire that in a person. I work in an industry that is mostly male dominated (lucky me), most of the positions require you to be an engineer or technician and no matter what the politically correct peanut gallery keeps shouting, most women for their own personal choice, are not interested. This leaves me with a lot of male coworkers. The Hollywood stereotype of a clumsy nerd with thick glasses being an engineer, is so far from reality, it's thankfully beyond belief. Many many of the guys are alpha male hot! Good looks, keep in shape, out going, funny, basically all around well rounded. ............................................. One thing I have noticed, especially with the younger men, is how tall many of the guys are, maybe it's genetics, maybe it's all the chemicals we lace our food with but there are giants at my work. I like a tall man, I wouldn't turn someone away for being shorter than me but if I am talking about attraction, I get that extra spark from a tall guy. I am only around 5.9 so being taller than me is not a great challenge. However I think there is such a thing for me as being too tall. I noticed on my "spark meter" when guys approach six feet, it begins to really beep, six one is so so hot for me, six two is off the charts. After six two, believe it or not, it begins to go back down. My ex was a little over six three, that was hot, I loved the feeling of his embrace and reaching up to kiss him. Some of the men at work are way above that, they must be six seven, I think that would be awkward, I don't feel that attracted to them. This post is just about preferences, not about reality, I am not that shallow (or stupid) that if some handsome man 6.7 or 5.6 for that matter, came up to me and asked me out, I would turn him down based solely on a measurement. No, as of now I would probably handcuff him before he changed his mind, if lucky enough, maybe he would like that sort of thing. Unfortunately when a person works in an all alpha male environment, they are only interested in females to mate with, so I window shop only. Man watching, one of my favorite hobbies.

Remember, it's about love.

Sometimes I completely forget that I'm gay and there are times when I say to myself, "oh that's right, I'm a little different from other guys". Other times I get so hung up over the politics of being gay, the actions of being gay, the pornography associated with being gay, that I forget what the real goal of being gay is. Lately I have been googling images of guys kissing, snuggling, holding hands, getting married and other every day normal things that couples do. Sometimes it just gives me a boost, a reminder to say, "you are off track, find someone to share your life moments with". I see couples and think, that is what I want. I remember now, it's not about bars, six packs or rainbows, it's about finding that special someone to cuddle with on the couch. It's about having someone to complete your circle, it's about love.

One Wrong Question.

I often say to my good friend and neighbour, that I think I have a mild form of something like PTSD. Not that I have done anything as serious as people in combat or first responders but I have damaged my inner self. When my dad first became ill, we thought it was just the flue or some type of virus. I had been laid off of work at the time so I came home to help run the farm. When we realized it was cancer, I stayed to take care of him. He was slowly starving to death and the hospital insisted on feeding him greasy, fatty foods absolutely laced with salt, salt, salt. Everything made his stomach sick so we felt it was better to bring him home where we could at least give him something he could eat. There comes a point where you lose every battle, every day, every minute and you watch someone who you once idolized, die in front of you. That changes something inside, you are never the same after. .............................................. After my dad died, I took on the role of looking after my mom who was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's disease. Again there comes a point where you are losing every battle, every day, every minute. I had to make some of the hardest decisions ever in my life. In some ways this is worse than losing someone, when a person dies, at least you have a starting date when you pick up the pieces and begin to live a different life without them. It's also hard to watch that person slip away, even harder to see them realize something is going terrible wrong and are in stress over the confusion. Again this changes a person, it damages something inside. I tell people I'm fine, I'm ok but not really, at least not all the time. Yesterday at work one question blew a hole in the wall that I put up. A guy I work with was asking about my mom and how she was doing. He was asking me about Alzheimer and its effects on her. The question was, "does she suffer from the confusion, it must be difficult for her, she must really suffer from it" I said that she really does, I see her struggle...... suddenly the full weight of what I just said hit me. Nobody wants to see someone they love more than anything in the world suffer. I began to tremble, my hands were shaking, I was trying to change my mind, my face was trying to screw up into cry mode. I apologized and headed for the door, I was in full on emotion overload. I held it together, jammed those feelings back down to where they belong and went back to work. I was really rattled, I didn't see it coming, just one wrong question and the floodgates nearly opened, I was shaking for a long time after. Really embarrassing for me as well to lose it at work, I also don't want to be that cliche of an emotional gay man. Now I know for sure, something has changed for me, I think I have taken on more than I could cope with and something is broken inside.

I hab a code, I'm sick. :(

I hab a code, my nobe is blocked, I feel zick, I started working in a different department last week and I think every second person there was coughing and sneezing. Now I have a cold, my instructor infected me with his plague. I am freezing, my chills give me visions of icebergs, polar bears and penguins, no wait, I'm not cold, I'm hot. I could start a fire by touching a stick of wood to my ear, I could boil water by placing the pot on my forehead, nope now I'm freezing again. I am awake at night, sweating, coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose so much that financial advisors are recommending people buy shares in companies that make tissues. I have turned into such a mucus factory, that I think I should be incorporated. I want soup and tea, I'm exhausted when I get home from work. I get excited when I can crawl back into bed and it's not for an exciting reason, I want to sleep.... for a week. On the plus side I'm able to sing Barry White songs because my voice dropped so low, I can legitimately get out of helping people on the weekend and I can drive off certain people with my shield of germ spray, but most importantly, one of my neighbours brought me supper tonight because I earned some sympathy. See you in the morning.

Stopping to smell the flowers.

Take the time to smell the flowers. One of those sayings about taking a moment to appreciate life. Friday evening when I got home from work, as I stepped out of my car, I was washed over by a wave of fresh warm spring air, the birds were singing the last songs to the setting sun and the peeper frogs were in full force. I tossed everything into the house and was determined to take a walk before it became too dark. Across from my house there is a large pond and I went for a stroll around it. Winter finally let go of its firm grip here and it was like getting an energy boost. Sometimes that's what we need to do, leave everything behind and just get lost in the moment. Walking around that pond not only fills the senses with sights, sounds and smells, it also takes me back to when I was a kid, doing the same thing, taking a walk around with one or another of our past dogs, plopping stones into the water, trying to find the little frogs that were making so much noise, using sticks for boats, sitting quiet to watch the ducks swimming. A momentary get away, then and now, having made my way completely around to my point of beginning, I am almost tempted to keep going around. Take some time, stop to smell the roses.