Out, for the evening.

Well we had planned to go out for the evening Friday but two of us had to cancel, so we scrapped the night until we could all get together. I was so ready to tell my friends that I did not want to wait. I figured, start with the hard one first. So I told Bea that her friendship was really important to me and then told her I was gay, I also said I hoped she would not feel deceived by me pretending to her that I was straight. She said that I had not deceived her and that she was glad for me to be able to tell her and feel comfortable enough with myself to say it out loud. She also said who I pick as a partner has no bearing on our friendship what so ever, then she joked and said unless she hates the guy! She said she feels privileged to be my friend and that nothing will change between us except that now she knows me and understands me better and plus she thinks I'm a sweetie. I had to ask the question, you know the one where I ask if she sort of knew. She said yes that she sort of always knew, she said that it was not a question that she was ever going to ask and if I wanted to keep it to myself, she felt it was my right. I want to kick myself about the hiding thing but I am learning to let it go. As a side note, how can people say we are not born gay, when people can 'tell' we are gay sometimes even before we fully understand ourselves that we are gay. The last thing I heard from her was last night, she sent me an email saying "we love you just the way you are Steve, you're perfect" (sigh) - makes a person feel so mushy and warm inside!

I was not able to get a hold of Elly, I don't feel the pressure to tell her, I know she may be a little surprised - or maybe not but she is cool with the whole gay culture. I worry that she will blab, actually it is her husband that I worry who will blab most. Elly is like my little sister but the guy she married is a bit of a (blank), you fill in the blank. He would not feel loyal to me and I still want some control over who knows and who does not. Bea and Eric said if I am going to be worried then why not hold off until I am a little more comfortable. I think I will do that for now. Eric joked and said that he knows Elly will be OK with it but the only problem is that she is really going to be "pissed" (sorry his word not mine) that she was the last to find out! I had to laugh, that will be so true, I used to be closest to her out of all our friends. The thing with Eric and Barb is that what I say to them in confidence will always stay with them. I knew even if Barb had a bad reaction that she would still hold my secret.

There is another friend that I will try to see this weekend, we are not as close as we used to be but she is also cool having gay friends. she is another person I can trust. It feels so good to just be myself around my sister and friends, I should have done this years ago but better late than never. I am still thinking over the situation with my parents, that will be a hard one and honestly I don't have the answer yet. At least now if I start dating I don't have to worry about bumping into my friends, in fact it would be a good thing because we could ask them to join us. Opening the closet door seems to also open a lot of other doors as well.