Me, The Frog Prince

My closest blog buddy and I were joking once about having a life theme song. I think if I had to pick a theme song for my life, right now it would have to be "The Frog Prince" by Keane. Not all, but some of the lyrics in the song speak to me when I listen to it. The story runs alone the lines of a guy trying to pretend everything is running smooth but you can only pretend for so long. I fought against being gay, coming out for so long. I was too worried what others would think. I so wanted to be the "good son", the "nice guy" and being gay just did not fit into that image for me. I really like the following lyrics.

Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
Cos now we all know

Like a false crown, playing a role of someone that I am not, would eventually crumble and become too hard to hold together. Always having a wall around me made people think I was cold or aloof. That was far from the truth, more due to the fact of being self conscious. I never let anyone get too close to me, I always use to think that way if they found out I was gay, it would not hurt so much if they no longer wanted to be friends. Until one day I realized that yes my "castle" or life was hollow. I was alone and continuing on this way did not make sense anymore. I finally understood that I would be better off telling my friends, if they accepted me then I could take down this crazy wall and let someone in for a change. If they rejected me, there would really be no loss because the friendship was built on a lie in the first place, plus since we were not close it was only superficial anyway. I figured out it would be better to have three or four close friends who accepted me, all of me, than to have a group where I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I am a gay man, I had really wandered too far from the person that I am. Who this other guy was I tried to be, is someone that I don't know. " Let go brother, let go" alright I know it is time, I can't keep this false story together any more. It had started to unravel for the last couple of years and I'm just too tired to keep it up. As I tell people I get a relaxed feeling come over me and it stays with me whenever I talk to those people again later on. "Cos now we all know" that speaks volumes to me, so far most people I have told said they either were starting to suspect or almost knew I was gay. Now I see that even though they suspected me a gay man, none of them ran away screaming.

I mentioned that I was thinking of being selectively out to some friends, however I changed my mind, I just don't have the energy to put it into always worrying about who over hears what so I will tell all my friends and be happy with the ones that stick with me. There are going to be some awkward moments coming up soon. Lately I have been hanging out with two guys from time to time, we have a lot of fun together. They use to work with me, I was not going to tell them because I thought we would just drift apart but they want to continue a friendship. One actually said to me once "I used to think that you might be gay, it would be OK with me as long as you don't hit on me" well straight guy ego aside, I think he would probably be OK with it. The other guy is very Christian and he is a "don't tell and all will be well" sort of person but that does not work for me anymore. I want to make it clear to him from the beginning. I just don't feel like investing a lot of energy into building a friendship with someone that could turn on me later. It is getting easier to tell people because now I understand that I can be "the good son" and "the nice guy" just that I'm gay as well.