Sunday, September 30, 2018
You know the old saying about a red sky at night, a colorful sunset gives the promise of a better day to follow. That's all anyone can hope for, that tomorrow will be a better day if you have been having trouble in life. I am happy to say that things seem to be settling down with mom, each night she sleeps a little longer and each day she eats a little better. The New medications seem to be working, I understand that this is temporary, one month, six months or a year until she becomes immune to their effect and we will be back to step one but for now, she is becoming contended again, I can only hope it keeps progressing towards a more comfortable life.
The other evening I went to go outside and was greeted by this colourful sunset, one of the beauties of life, a sign of a better day coming. I had spent time with mom and things were changing on the positive side for once, I finally saw a glimmer of hope. I thought the sunset was a fitting end to my day. As with most things of beauty in nature, the colours were fading quickly, I snapped a few photos and suddenly everything was gone, maybe just like our time here, we have moments of beauty and suddenly it's over.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
I sometimes surprise myself with how comfortable I have become with being gay. This didn't happen overnight it was years in the making. I think back to a time when I would have completely denied being gay, even if you walked in on me having sex with two guys while gay porn played on the VCR to pumping dance tunes..... and wearing glitter, well you get the idea. As a side note, how sad is it that the spell checker doesn't recognize "VCR" but auto corrects Kardashian.
A few days ago I was getting medication for my mother and the pharmacist technician behind the counter, came out to speak with me. This man is very, very gay, he is a cute little guy of about 5'6, he has a comical perky type of personality. He came up to me and said "Hi Andrew, Mike, Denis"? I laughed pointing to myself saying Steve! I was wondering what he wanted, I didn't realize he came out to take my requests as there were people ahead of me being served. I asked what he wanted and he said as a joke, "I'm wondering if you are free tonight" then he laughed and asked for the prescriptions. I handed him the prescription and said "why yes I am free tonight", he looked at me startled! I figured now it's my turn to catch him off guard. Again I said, "I am free tonight", he didn't know what to say, he was a little taken back, he blushed a little, he was probably wondering if I was joking. Actually I was half joking, if he became bold and asked me out, I was ready to go out with him, I think he is adorable, like a carebear.
I went to sit down and wait for the prescription to be filled. After I paid for the medication at the cashier, I watched for him as I was leaving, I didn't see him which was sad because I had an answer ready for him, should he asked could he do anything else for me, I was going to say, "yes, why don't you give me your phone number". I would have really rattled his cage, that would have been funny. Either way I figured there would be no harm in it, he would either say he was with someone and no thanks or we would have been going out.
Later that evening I was thinking about our flirting, I was doing it with people around, in the area where I grew up, plus even just the fact that I did it was a huge leap for me. I didn't feel worried after, about who may have overheard or saw what was happening, I don't care. A few days later I was back, as I started to request my order he pretended not to understand me, then he said to me that I have to speak French to him. I did speak French to him, he seemed surprised, he said "I'm impressed" I said thanks and then told him he is a brat! He said "I'm a what"? We both burst out laughing.
He is around my age but is a small guy, I find him cute, he's slightly effeminate but it works for him. I'm usually attracted to masculine men, I like to think that I'm masculine-ish in personality, slightly nerdy, slightly awkward; however this man presses all my alpha male buttons, I would like to be the top to his bottom. It felt good to flirt and I never even thought of it as a gay thing, just me teasing another person I was interested in... who happened to also be a man. Maybe I can get myself a good deal on drugs as well... lol.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Thanks to climate change, Monday was a tornado so I was off work. A tornado day is like a snow day, you can't go to work because of the bad weather, only this time instead of snow banks blocking us, the city was trashed and many places were shut down. Friday we had a high F3, a high F2 and an F1 tear through the Ottawa area. Amazingly since most people were still at work and school, there were no deaths. Many areas look like a war zone or like we live in tornado alley. Many of you are probably thinking, "I didn't know Canada gets bad tornadoes like that in September", we don't. Tornados this powerful have never happened before anywhere in Canada in September. A few in summer out west but we used to get mostly F0 or F1. It will be interesting to see how the deniers will scramble to explain away this. I feel so bad for the people who have no home to return to, actually many don't even have a street to return to.
It's after one in the morning and I am sitting in the hospital with mom. She thought she was having chest pains again and so the home is obligated to treat it as a heart attack. We have been here since 8 p.m. and we finally saw a doctor. My diagnosis was anxiety, I know because I know mom. She still hasn't slept and I think her new medications are too strong for her system even though they don't work. I predict that they will do nothing, it's a wasted night. After many test they said it's anxiety, that there is nothing they can do, a waste of time. Welcome to my life.
I don't know how she can keep this up, I'm exhausted and want to sleep, she has been walking non stop in circles around the room since 8 p.m. no exaggeration, I can't even get her to sit down. We are waiting for a final blood test and then we can go home after two in the morning. Guess I will miss work tomorrow.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
I appreciate all the support, I have always known how awesome the people in the blogosphere are, both readers and bloggers. The truth is I don't always feel sad about the events happening regarding my mom's health and dementia, I had to stop constantly feeling sad years ago, I just feel drained. I was talking to my sister yesterday and we both agreed that as hard as it was taking care of my father when he was dying, at least we could see a light at the end of the tunnel. With mom it's all tunnel and no light, we have no time line, she could go on like this for weeks, months and most likely years.
I spent part of the day with her yesterday, she ate for me on her own, we watched "I Love Lucy" I know she is much more calm with me around, I'm probably her only anchor left to her former life. I often wonder what she thinks regarding her situation, the confusion must be torture at times. The other day she said to one of residents who is still sharp as a tack, "I don't think they are ever going to let me go home". That made me feel sorry for her, she doesn't see her place as a home, more like a hospital and she thinks she is recovering, often asking when are we coming to pick her up.
I am stressed at times but there is nothing new here, this is my new normal, everything goes off the rails, we keep trying different medications until we find one that works and then we are good for about four to eight months until they suddenly no longer work and then back to square one. Sometimes I just lose interest in things because of the stress I guess. Anyway everyone has problems in life, mine are not any more important than any one else's. I'm just letting you know that is happening with me, I'm not going to turn this into a "poor me" blog, I try to take in my own moments even between crises.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Life steps in and pulls you away from blogging or other things that can be set aside. I received a call that mom being rushed to the hospital with a possible heart attack. We were worried about something like this, fortunately it wasn't her heart but mom's health has completely gone off track. Something changed in her patterns suddenly, common for people with dementia. She stopped sleeping, she hadn't slept for days but instead of being tired she was acting like a person who drank ten cups of coffee. Her health seemed to be coming off the rails and no medication was helping. I text a friend one night that I thought mom was going to die. She also stopped eating and developed an obsessive drive to go home, even though she doesn't know where home is anymore.
Most of my time lately has been taken up with hospital visits, phone calls, doctors appointments etc. Typical of life, my work has really ramped up at the same time. I have a lot of long days there as well. I'm trying to avoid the optics of always taking days off when I am needed the most at work. It's important to be thought of as the "go to guy" and not the "he's off again" guy, that's just a fact of work.
There's something else as well, I can't put my finger on it but I seem to have lost interest in most things, including all things internet. I never think about dating sites, emails, blogs etc. I just woke up to the sound of geese flying south in the dark, they should have left sooner before nightfall, I wish I could go with them.
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Today the roofers are supposed to come to replace the shingles, they are looking a little worn and definitely need replacing. I actually have been having trouble finding someone to do it, I had people promise to come and then not show up. I was supposed to have it done last year but the guys over booked themselves and backed out at the last minute, leaving me with an ageing roof for another winter.
I met with one of the guys last week, he came to do the measurements etc for an estimate. I was given good references about these guys from friends so I said l wanted them to do the job. I hope they send the HOT one, this guy is what you are thinking in your head, the type of guy that when he stepped out of his truck, made me think to myself, "whoa shhht" drool, drool, drool! Hopefully there are one or two more like him, "can I hold the ladder for you"? The good news is that it's going to be sunny all day, so no rain to stop them, the bad news is that it's going to be unusually cold all day, so probably no taking their shirts off. :(
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
There should be a word invented for the feeling a person gets when after having an exhausting day and have nicely drifted off to sleep, you wake up to the sound of rain. You don't want to have to move but you realize that you have to get up from your cozy bed and close all the windows in your house. There should also be a word for the feeling you get when after flopping back into bed, you realize that you left your car windows open and need to get up, get dressed and go outside in the pouring rain to close them.