It only hurts when I answer.

A couple of months ago while at work, we were having a slow day. Everyone was in a dazed lull at their desks and to pass the time someone started to ask that dreaded question, "if you could go back in time, would you do anything different and change the life you have now"? Most people will say no, some in hindsight will add in something small like devoting more time to their studies or maybe saving better for a rainy day; however all said they were content with what they had. I remember thinking please don't ask me, pass me by, I already know the answer and it stings to say it out loud. Too late, it was my turn! They asked "Steve would you"? I took a deep breath, turned to them and told them the truth as I felt is was the truth for me. I told them I would change everything, that I wasted my life, that I was not true to myself, that I let time slip away which I can never reclaim. I told them there were people I let go that given a second chance I would hold onto tightly, that there were other people which I would not worry so much about their opinion of me. I said that I feel I missed out on life and somewhere along the way I gave myself permission to take a back seat while others around me experienced living.

Sometimes I think of what I want out of this blog, it is therapeutic to put one's thoughts down. I have heard from people that it can help you sort out stuff running through your mind. I also noticed a lot of the blogs that I used to read almost daily, are starting to fade away. I assume people post, work it out after a year or so and then life kicks in and the blogger has less and less time to post. I thought I would give this a try, sort of a pass the torch situation. It was nice to know I was not the only one out there who found coming out so confusing and frightening at times and I hope I can gives others a place to bang thoughts around. I am so amazed at the large number of people in their late teens and early twenties coming out, men and women, I am in total awe of them and so proud of them. Keep going guys you are doing the right thing, I only wish I had your courage when I was your age. I guess that would be the one important thing I could hope someone would take away from this blog. Younger gay people in big cities will have a little easier time coming out but for someone out in the small towns or country side, remote and feeling alone, I would like to say, work at getting to a place where you will be safe and welcomed and then be who you are. Take it from someone who made the mistake of taking the other path and hiding in the closet, you will regret it. A lot of you would be able to hide being gay from most people but you can never hide from yourself. I just hope for a lot of gay people out there, that if someone were to ask "if you could go back in time, would you do anything different and change the life you have now" their answer would be a clear "no, I'm happy with the way it turned out". I say this because whenever someone asks me that question, I have never even once thought to myself "I would have hidden better".