Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Yesterday I had a small injection of normal in my life. I received an email that work could be starting up again. I'm trying to find a new job but I would certainly take on a contract if one came my way. I was so excited to receive the email, at least some small thing back to normal. I think getting out and being around people again would really help me (just not too close). Also I find it easier to find a new job when I am already working. It shows ambition to be trying for better. I never thought I would be so happy to see work!
My American friends, please stay safe, I know it's getting bad there. November is coming soon and you will finally have a leader.
Monday, July 13, 2020
Saturday morning I got up early, I seem to do that now, it's how I knew something was wrong, all my life I've been a sleepy head, I could sleep nine or ten hours if I let myself, now six hours is a lot if I even get that much.
I sat down and opened up my email, to my surprise there was an email from a blog friend from back in the early days of this blog. Apparently he still checks in from time to time and saw that I'm struggling. To cheer me up he sent me a video clip he made for me years ago, he was singing along to what I called my theme song from back in the day. It's "The Frog Prince" by Keane. I was so touched that he would put the effort into doing that for me, it overwhelmed me but with joy and also a relief that there are kind, thoughtful men out there.
I put on my headphones and cried buckets as I sang along with him and Keane. It really was a positive boost to start my day. Thank you my friend, it was nice hearing from you.
I was emailing with a regular blogger friend. I was saying that I unfortunately realized there is no moving on for me now, that will have to come later. I have to heal myself first, I'm not ready to date, I'm not well. Next step is to get out of here and also find a new job. I have to get back my life before I can have someone else in it with me.
I find it so unfair and I feel a lot of anger because I have to pick up the pieces and start over, while the person who caused this is having the time of his life. Unfortunately since Ottawa is a small city, the gay scene for older men is a close community. Everywhere I turn, Mr X is there, turns out most of the gay people I have been meeting over the past two years are either good friends of his or know of him, I don't want to sound like a bitter ex, so I never say that we dated or even let on that I know him. I said to my blogger friend that I will have to stay away from the community for awhile, I can't have memories constantly brought back to the surface. As for Mr X, he has already burned through my replacement and has another new love in his life, I think he should come with a warning label... hahaha!
Wednesday, July 8, 2020
Sunday, July 5, 2020
During this pandemic our provincial governments often talk about having our "bubble". The meaning is that at first people had to imagine themselves creating a bubble around themselves for protection. For instance a married couple and maybe children living in the house. No one else would be allowed to have contact. Then we were told we could expand the bubble to one other family and one only. Now we are told we can expand to ten people. The news showed families and close friends embracing each other in joy but also in sorrow from the isolation.
There lies one of my problems, I don't belong in anyone's bubble. Nobody thought of "me" when they began to expand their bubble. In times of crisis like this, only really close family or friends count. There are no hugs for me, no kisses, no sobbing saying how much they missed me. I'm on the outside looking in and the loneliness caught up with me. It's one of the reasons I took the break up hard, when my time came up, instead of a much needed reunion, my bubble was burst.
I was listening to a TED talk yesterday on the radio, it was about loneliness. They were nailing it with everything they were saying while explaining the symptoms of loneliness. They also said it actually affects longevity, people surrounded with close loving relationships, tend to live longer... oh boy. Actually I can see that, right now my sleep and eating patterns are way off, I can see this shortening a person's life.
They talked about the need to interact with other people, like I suspected, online is not enough. The closer you are with someone, the more positive chemicals your body releases. The best being hugged by a friend that you love, it actually releases healing chemicals into your body. I know that to be true, there is a world of difference between being awkwardly hugged by someone, to being hugged by someone you love, you can just feel that warm change flowing over your body.
That's why I sometimes get frustrated with this blog, it's not just about breaking up with a particular person, it's all the perks that vanished. One day you are finally being hugged again, kissed again, being caressed lovingly. It's a total recharge of the batteries when someone you adore is cuddling with you, then one day it's gone and you feel like you have just been dropped off on a lonely stretch of road in the middle of nowhere. That's where I am now, I'm nowhere looking in at other people's bubble.
It's not hard to understand, I just want someone to care about me, someone to love me and I love them back. The other pressure is time is running out, stats show that gay men who don't have a partner by age 45, will usually never find a partner. Stats are stats, they have no emotions or agenda, don't try to dismiss them in the comments section. I read a quote the other day I found true, it was by an older male actor, he said, "dating in your fifties is like trying to buy a coat at a thrift store. You no longer look for a perfect fit, you look for the least damaged one". Sad but true, any of the good guys that want to settle down, have usually settled down by now.
From frogs to a Prince, I know the saying you have to keep going down the line of frogs until you find your Prince. However I think, what if the time comes when the Prince at the end of each line is already taken, all you have left are the frogs, do you look for the best frog? I didn't intend for this to happen, I was hoping to cross paths with a Prince one day but here I am. Now I realize that sometimes you have to go find that Prince but the lesson may be too late.
I just want to be part of someone's bubble, I just want to be on the inside for a change.
Friday, July 3, 2020
Well... so it's been a month now since I got dumped, by text just to remind everyone. A text, that's really cowardly and just rude, he knows that I'm not the type to yell and scream at him, he just wanted the easy way out and I let him. A real man doesn't break up by text, at least a phone call for Pete's sake.
I have to say that it's really hard to shake this off, I know everyone says "get over it" but easier said than done. My relationship was my main social interaction since February especially with covid around and now I basically have nothing. The only thing I have is a lot of time alone to think about being alone. I often wake up in the morning and my first thought is, " oh that's right, I'm alone again".
It didn't help that everything turned into a shit show. If Mr X had just told me long ago that he no longer was interested in dating me... and then we parted ways, I would have been sad but eventually I would move on. When you find out the person who has become an important part of your life and who is supposed to care about you, actually no longer cared and was just leading you on until he found someone else, it totally shakes a person to their core.
I should point out since I came out late in life, this was only my third real relationship. A straight friend said, "when the anger starts, the healing starts". I hope that's true, I have a lot of anger towards Mr X now. At first he could still do no wrong in my eyes, I was enraged with this other guy. I was sure that Mr X was innocent and didn't see this coming and eventually was won over. However the curtain begins to lift and you start to see all the flaws that you have been ignoring on purpose. Bob at "I Should be Laughing" once commented that a man can't be led away if he doesn't want to go. I was angry with Bob for saying that but I knew he was right. Even worse though Bob, is when you discover that your guy was the one who made the first move.
Like father like son, maybe it's a family thing, Mr X told me that his father left his mother when she was pregnant with him. That same year he had two other sons, one about two months before Mr X was born and one about four months after Mr X was born, so...
I think about the night I met him at bowling, it was totally by chance. He wasn't going to go that evening but his cousin asked him to go. However the cousin couldn't make it, was tied up at work and unable to tell Mr X to cancel. If he hadn't gone that week, the next bowling night he would not have been there because he went to California, after that night everything was shut down due to covid, so I would have never met him. We often joked about how lucky it was to cross paths.
When we broke up, I was unaware of everything that I know now. I wanted to be mature about the break up and so I said to him that I had no regrets about meeting him, that I only regretted our relationship didn't work out. I take that back, I completely regret meeting him, I wish he never made it that night. This is not like when I broke up with Dan, I never regretted that relationship, I still cherish it to this day. However regarding Mr X, I wish I never met him. I wish that I just went bowling and met some nice guys that night and again two weeks later, then covid happened and I hid out on the farm and life was just the usual day to day for me. It also hurts that today is a month since our breakup but I know that for him.. today is just a Friday.
Thursday, July 2, 2020
Today I go for my first haircut, I'm excited and not scared anymore. It's a local person and so far there has been no virus in this area. Also happily even the larger cities have been steadily going down. It's been a long time since I had a haircut, March the ninth! I would have gotten one sooner but the lady who usually cuts my hair from this area, fell and broke her fingers on one hand. This lady was recommended to me but since she is the only one that cuts hair in the area now, she was really booked up.
Wow.. March ninth, that just shows how totally blind to this virus we were. I remember I was going to head home and people were talking about a possible shut down for a week or two on the radio. I was going to wait but then I thought to myself that it was a nice night, I still had time so I went and had it cut. Never did I imagine that we would be hiding out for the next four months.
I'm a little worried about it actually happening, just because of my luck, I fear some disaster will happen and my appointment will be cancelled. I mean you know... Mr Bean (me) goes for a haircut.
I was able to see my mom on Tuesday, I was a little worried that I would become emotional, I haven't seen her since the end of February. I had missed one visit and I didn't think that much of it. The homes decided as a precaution to stop all visitors, we were told it would be for a couple of weeks, that was back in March. I was a little surprised by her appearance, she has lost a lot of weight. Part of her dementia is that food tastes bad to her so she has no appetite. Her hair was more grey and she seemed weaker but she was still getting around. She always wants to help, she feels bad for the people in wheelchairs and so takes them up and down the halls.
At first she didn't recognize me, unfortunately I have to wear a mask. She was even afraid of me. After about ten minutes it started to sink in who I was and I could tell that she knew me. She actually said, "I didn't know where you were, I waited a long time for you". I never know if she is just saying that or if somewhere deep down she understands that I haven't been around for a while. Still the coincidence of her saying that is interesting. The visit went as well as could be expected.
Of course the day couldn't just end on an okay note, not for Mr Bean. I decided to head to a local store nearby and as I was driving, I saw a piece of metal on the road. As I avoided running over it, I heard a loud thump and then hisss, obviously there was a second piece hiding on the road. Within seconds my tire was flat. I can change my own tires pretty quick. It was especially tricky since I was on a fast moving highway. Four nuts off within seconds... however the fifth nut... no way it wasn't coming off. No matter what I did. Two guys came to help, one guy was a pretty solid guy, even standing on the bar, the nut wouldn't move.
Turns out he has heavy equipment and a lot of tools. He got me to slowly drive into his yard. Still nothing would work, finally we gave up and called a tow truck. The garage couldn't get it off. In fact a heavenly being appeared before us and tried... but nothing. He/she said, "I'm-ith so sorry-ith, I created all the world before you but I can't move that #!&$ nut! Anyway eventually they had to cut it off. It was an entire afternoon adventure, $50 for the towing, $120 for the removal and I haven't paid for the replacement tire, nut and stub yet... but you know, another adventure for Steve. No wonder my nerves get shot! What should have been a few minutes turned into four hours.
Apparently Ford has stopped making the focus, just as well because I would not recommend the latest versions. They put tin caps on the tire nuts, so you have to be really careful. If you apply too much pressure, the corners will smooth out and instead of a nut, you now have a round pipe and your tire iron has nothing to grasp.
Finally I had to limp home using that tiny spare tire they give you. The piece of metal had sliced a good chunk of my tire so it couldn't be patched. I'm waiting to hear back from the guys when my new tire comes in. Hopefully I get to my appointment today... but stay tuned. *Sign*
Wednesday, July 1, 2020
Last night I was invited to a picnic with neighbours. A group of us sat outside, ate, had a few drinks and relaxed. It was a last minute thing and sometimes those are the best. I don't really have any plans for today but I'm ready to go with the flow.