Friday, May 24, 2019
As I said in my previous post, I stopped in to see mom on Wednesday. I usually stop in a couple of times a week, the senior's residence is actually on my way home so it's easy for me to drop in. Sometimes I stay for only an hour or so, sometimes I stay until bedtime. I am pleased to see that mom has been getting her strength back. She had to be prescribed medication for seizures and that took away all her energy. Now however she likes to walk up and down the hallways and it's good to see her up and about again. She is also generally in a good mood lately, the workers say she always seems happy and is easy to work with, that's all I can ask for, that she is happy in her reality.
I let her walk, I just followed her around and we talked, sometimes it made sense, most times it didn't. There was one hallway on her floor that I have never been down. I asked her to walk down it with me. Mom said, "no, we shouldn't go down there, it's not good to go there". I found that odd because every hallway looks new to her no matter how recently she has walked down it so usually she will check it out, also odd because her answers are usually not so elaborate.
I walked down it anyway and I suddenly regretted my decision. This was where they put the people who have lost every last bit of their humanity. The rooms have those half doors like at racehorse stables. This way staff can look in but the people can't get out. Most are in wheelchairs, they no longer walk, they no longer talk, they no longer look human. They are frightened, eyes wide with fear and they plead for your attention at their door, in a language that makes sense to only them.
As bad as mom is now, a chill went down my spine when I realized that there is worse coming, much worse. That's why I say I won't be too sad if she were to suddenly pass away. Sometimes I think selfishly that I hope she passes away before she completely forgets who I am. My little mind has these visions of me telling people at her funeral, how the disease couldn't erase the bond between us.
After yesterday however, I hope she never reaches that stage and it has nothing to do with me. I don't want mom to become a frightened infant locked in a room, holding her hands out... pleading to passing strangers. No matter how sick mom is, she still was frightened by that hallway, at some level she understands what it means to be moved there.
It seems that our destination with mom's illness is "worse" because no matter how many times we think it couldn't get much "worse", it seems to top itself.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Yesterday I received help with my internet addiction from a higher power, it was clearly divine intervention, the all mighty... phone company had a glitch and my service was down last night, so no online time at all! I was ok, the world didn't end. I think if I wasn't on this quest to curb my usage I would have been really upset (sounds like missed) but I did some other things that needed to be done.
I got home late because I was visiting mom, I felt really really tired so I snuggled into my la-z-Steve chair and fell asleep. I woke up at 3 a.m. and went straight to bed. I'm taking the advice of setting a limit, I like structure so that will work for me. The big test will be this weekend to see if I resist the urge to "just check a few messages" or listen to the little voice that says, "stay away from sites called Straight guys with their shirts off... together... wrestling". Yes... so anyway we will see.
Lurkey poo part of me saw the humour in your comment but part of me felt empathy for what you were saying, this is my second battle with an online addiction, my first was before I met Dan. I missed a couple of huge opportunities because of getting sucked into the online world. Meeting Dan was what pulled me out at the time. It will take a bit of intelligence to get you out, don't get a big head over this but you have that ability.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Like going to an A.A meeting, maybe we need an I.A meeting; however I think yesterday was more like an enabler meeting... lol. I thought that I had problems, you poor bastards need help! Just teasing, forgive my potty mouth. I think structuring a time limit is probably a good way to go. Last night I was trying not to go over my limit, I was doing ok but then I decided to "just check for messages" and fell down a rabbit hole, not too long but I realized that I had gone past my bedtime, "ahh mayochup"!
Day two of doing better, hmm we shall see, I am actually posting before work, hmmmm but this will be short. Anne Marie said a person is healthy if they admit to watching and liking porn. I'm a very very very healthy person then because WHOO WEEE do I like porn! I used to think that was mainly the problem; however I soon realized that if I cut porn out of my online experience, then I spent hours looking at other things on line to fill the void. Also to be honest porn is not a large part of what I am doing, I email, text and chat mostly, that's why I feel loneliness is a huge part of getting lost on line.
The online time has wiped out my television time and that doesn't worry me because television is 80% garbage since they have been cutting out more and more educational programs. Being part of a nerd-ish herd I did prefer watching things like science type shows but most programs are fluff now. What does worry me is my "real world" time that the online activities cut into. Like doing laundry, checking a few emails, then suddenly realizing that three hours have past, it's bedtime, the clothes are still soaking wet in the washing machine and I need them for work the next day. My time is up, see you tonight.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Today becomes my Monday since it was a holiday yesterday. I know everyone says it's a shorter week blah blah blah but I sometimes find it feels even longer.
This past three day weekend that was a complete write off because of my playing on the internet the whole time, tells me something that I have known for a while now. That I have a problem, a big problem of being addicted to being on line. I think part of it is due to loneliness and feeling disconnected but what good is it to email and text with people all the time but never spend actual time with another person.
The weekend was beautiful, sunny but not too hot, no bugs out yet surprisingly and it would have been a perfect time to get the yards and gardens ready; however I never ventured outside for more than twenty minutes. I'm in trouble, it's starting to affect my life, I have to get myself back under control. The house is a disaster, it's one of the reasons I can't get this place ready to sell. My brain is like a kid with A.D.D I think because the internet does the thinking for us and is always trying to grab our attention. Anyway I have to go to work, at least I can keep away from it there.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Today was a holiday so I had a long weekend to get caught up on things... which I didn't because of my addiction to the internet... but that's another post for another day. Keeping things light for a Monday, the company Heinz has been patting itself on the back for creating a new condiment, a bottle of ketchup mixed with mayonnaise. They called it.... you guessed it Mayochup, I haven't tried it but I'm thinking they should have named it upchup! I can mix my own combination if I want to.
In Canada however they are getting publicity for all the wrong reasons. There is a large Cree population in parts of Canada and apparently the translation of mayochup into their language means shitfaced, some other close dialects also translated into sh#t in your eye or sh#t on your face. That's not a good image you want people picturing in their heads when they are choosing a condiment. The company said that they will review the name but for now they will sell out the stock first. Hmmm, maybe I should get a bottle of shitface as a collector's item, it would certainly be a good conversation piece!
Sunday, May 19, 2019
I was texting back and forth with a friend yesterday (he's a straight guy but I don't hold that against him, I'm open minded). He responded to one of my texts with "TMI", that means "too much information" for the non hip/cool people. I was telling him about being over at an Indian friend's house for supper. The guy is a really good cook, he was worried that the food might be too spicy for me. It didn't seem to be, I found it spicy as in flavorful and not spicy as in too hot to eat. I really enjoyed it. The TMI came as a result of explaining that my Irish Canadian heritage began to disagree with me the next day regarding the level of spiciness. I said that it didn't seem that spicy going in... but that it seemed a lot spicier coming out.
After the supper we had a little wine and conversation. Also by accident we all suddenly fell down a rabbit hole that caused us all to enjoy ourselves and laugh and laugh. Even though there were people of different ages and from different countries we started watching something that united us with its shear genius. Yes... you guessed it, we started watching old episodes of Mr Bean. For those who grew up with him and followed him, it's a cult like thing, I can't explain it, especially not to Americans (tehe).
It speaks volumes in today's climate about that simple evening get together, when you consider that some of us were not wearing turbans and some were. At the time I didn't even notice this fact; however I was thinking about it today listening to more stories about homophobia, racism etc on the news. People really are good at creating turmoil when there is no reason to. If they would only take the time to sit and speak with someone, they might learn something.
Regarding a different topic, there was a moment at the end of the night that caught me, it was when the credits were rolling after it was over. Many of the episodes that I did remember were produced in 1990, that stunned me for a second. I remember talking about them with friends and one of my family members also loved watching it with me, I think it was mom. Wow 1990 and some 1993. Almost thirty years ago, the show was created before some of the people watching it with me were born.
Anyway back to over sharing. Have you ever reached that point where you just want to stop wiping. Sometimes you gently half wipe, hoping that the extra absorbent material in your underwear that is supposed to help keep you dry... actually does its job. This is one of those times that I'm glad I never joined the thong wearing gay crowd. You know that mind game, where you say, "don't think of a pink elephant" and then everyone thinks of a pink elephant, well don't think about rim...g, I couldn't help it eww.. sorry lol. There is that point where you feel that you could light a match off your butt because it's burning so hot, you start to wonder what it would be like to place an ice cube up there. Imodium thou magic elixir is a god send.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
I consider myself lucky in that I find many different types of men attractive. All over the scales of feminine to masculine to race to age to frame size. It's not something that I pretend in order to sound politically correct, it just happens when I see an attractive man and think to myself, "well hello there handsome", and then I quietly check him out. I like that about my sexuality, I allow myself to enjoy it.
I am often surprised by the way many gay men limit themselves. I'm not surprised by the prejudice towards a man's age and looks, unfortunately that seems to be common, I am surprised by the racism that seems to also be common in the gay community, especially in large cities. It's too bad actually because they are missing out.
I was thinking about this because of two guys that pressed my buttons yesterday in a sexual way. I think having that sudden arousal feeling is enjoyable and is one of the perks in life, almost like the high we get from seeing a perfect sunset or gorgeous work of art in a gallery but at the same time very different from those feelings, it's raw desire.
The first happened early in the day at my bank. While waiting in line there was a young man at the teller in front of me. He was about twenty eight and holy-old-moly... was he ever freaking hot. Clearly he was probably an athlete of some sort because he was in nice shape, not a gymbot, just naturally in good shape. He was African Canadian decent and was just dripping with male sexuality, every muscular curve was in the exact right location in my mind. He was one of those guys that sends a gay man's sexuality into overdrive, you just feel your desire to be with him in every part of your body. I sometimes wonder if as a gay man I'm picking up some kind of sex pheromones from guys like this in their prime. The way he carried himself, the confident but polite way he spoke to the teller had me in dream land. The building suddenly felt empty when he left and I felt I needed to sit down until my knees turned back from trembling mush.
The second time it happened was later in the day, I was driving and had to stop for construction. Two young men were jogging towards me wearing only t-shirts and shorts. Again they were in nice shape, one man in particular was really attractive, he had a less polished handsome appearance to him, a rugby player type of body. Like me I could see he was a ginger but more of a reddish blond. As he approached however I saw that he also was a man of special needs, he had a slight look of a person with down syndrome or something along those lines. I felt ashamed of myself for being sexually attracted to this man and quickly looked away; however then I gave myself permission to look again. Here was a man, he is attractive, he is taking the time to stay in shape and look attractive, I felt there was nothing wrong with enjoying his efforts and looking at him like I would look at any other attractive man.
These were two moments of appreciating life that I would have missed out on if my outlook was narrow. I'm not perfect, I'm always catching myself and trying to make better choices but I think if I'm "trying" then at least that is progressing but most of all it pays off by creating positive moments.