Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Yesterday I had a small injection of normal in my life. I received an email that work could be starting up again. I'm trying to find a new job but I would certainly take on a contract if one came my way. I was so excited to receive the email, at least some small thing back to normal. I think getting out and being around people again would really help me (just not too close). Also I find it easier to find a new job when I am already working. It shows ambition to be trying for better. I never thought I would be so happy to see work!
My American friends, please stay safe, I know it's getting bad there. November is coming soon and you will finally have a leader.
Monday, July 13, 2020
Saturday morning I got up early, I seem to do that now, it's how I knew something was wrong, all my life I've been a sleepy head, I could sleep nine or ten hours if I let myself, now six hours is a lot if I even get that much.
I sat down and opened up my email, to my surprise there was an email from a blog friend from back in the early days of this blog. Apparently he still checks in from time to time and saw that I'm struggling. To cheer me up he sent me a video clip he made for me years ago, he was singing along to what I called my theme song from back in the day. It's "The Frog Prince" by Keane. I was so touched that he would put the effort into doing that for me, it overwhelmed me but with joy and also a relief that there are kind, thoughtful men out there.
I put on my headphones and cried buckets as I sang along with him and Keane. It really was a positive boost to start my day. Thank you my friend, it was nice hearing from you.
I was emailing with a regular blogger friend. I was saying that I unfortunately realized there is no moving on for me now, that will have to come later. I have to heal myself first, I'm not ready to date, I'm not well. Next step is to get out of here and also find a new job. I have to get back my life before I can have someone else in it with me.
I find it so unfair and I feel a lot of anger because I have to pick up the pieces and start over, while the person who caused this is having the time of his life. Unfortunately since Ottawa is a small city, the gay scene for older men is a close community. Everywhere I turn, Mr X is there, turns out most of the gay people I have been meeting over the past two years are either good friends of his or know of him, I don't want to sound like a bitter ex, so I never say that we dated or even let on that I know him. I said to my blogger friend that I will have to stay away from the community for awhile, I can't have memories constantly brought back to the surface. As for Mr X, he has already burned through my replacement and has another new love in his life, I think he should come with a warning label... hahaha!
Wednesday, July 8, 2020
Sunday, July 5, 2020
During this pandemic our provincial governments often talk about having our "bubble". The meaning is that at first people had to imagine themselves creating a bubble around themselves for protection. For instance a married couple and maybe children living in the house. No one else would be allowed to have contact. Then we were told we could expand the bubble to one other family and one only. Now we are told we can expand to ten people. The news showed families and close friends embracing each other in joy but also in sorrow from the isolation.
There lies one of my problems, I don't belong in anyone's bubble. Nobody thought of "me" when they began to expand their bubble. In times of crisis like this, only really close family or friends count. There are no hugs for me, no kisses, no sobbing saying how much they missed me. I'm on the outside looking in and the loneliness caught up with me. It's one of the reasons I took the break up hard, when my time came up, instead of a much needed reunion, my bubble was burst.
I was listening to a TED talk yesterday on the radio, it was about loneliness. They were nailing it with everything they were saying while explaining the symptoms of loneliness. They also said it actually affects longevity, people surrounded with close loving relationships, tend to live longer... oh boy. Actually I can see that, right now my sleep and eating patterns are way off, I can see this shortening a person's life.
They talked about the need to interact with other people, like I suspected, online is not enough. The closer you are with someone, the more positive chemicals your body releases. The best being hugged by a friend that you love, it actually releases healing chemicals into your body. I know that to be true, there is a world of difference between being awkwardly hugged by someone, to being hugged by someone you love, you can just feel that warm change flowing over your body.
That's why I sometimes get frustrated with this blog, it's not just about breaking up with a particular person, it's all the perks that vanished. One day you are finally being hugged again, kissed again, being caressed lovingly. It's a total recharge of the batteries when someone you adore is cuddling with you, then one day it's gone and you feel like you have just been dropped off on a lonely stretch of road in the middle of nowhere. That's where I am now, I'm nowhere looking in at other people's bubble.
It's not hard to understand, I just want someone to care about me, someone to love me and I love them back. The other pressure is time is running out, stats show that gay men who don't have a partner by age 45, will usually never find a partner. Stats are stats, they have no emotions or agenda, don't try to dismiss them in the comments section. I read a quote the other day I found true, it was by an older male actor, he said, "dating in your fifties is like trying to buy a coat at a thrift store. You no longer look for a perfect fit, you look for the least damaged one". Sad but true, any of the good guys that want to settle down, have usually settled down by now.
From frogs to a Prince, I know the saying you have to keep going down the line of frogs until you find your Prince. However I think, what if the time comes when the Prince at the end of each line is already taken, all you have left are the frogs, do you look for the best frog? I didn't intend for this to happen, I was hoping to cross paths with a Prince one day but here I am. Now I realize that sometimes you have to go find that Prince but the lesson may be too late.
I just want to be part of someone's bubble, I just want to be on the inside for a change.
Friday, July 3, 2020
Well... so it's been a month now since I got dumped, by text just to remind everyone. A text, that's really cowardly and just rude, he knows that I'm not the type to yell and scream at him, he just wanted the easy way out and I let him. A real man doesn't break up by text, at least a phone call for Pete's sake.
I have to say that it's really hard to shake this off, I know everyone says "get over it" but easier said than done. My relationship was my main social interaction since February especially with covid around and now I basically have nothing. The only thing I have is a lot of time alone to think about being alone. I often wake up in the morning and my first thought is, " oh that's right, I'm alone again".
It didn't help that everything turned into a shit show. If Mr X had just told me long ago that he no longer was interested in dating me... and then we parted ways, I would have been sad but eventually I would move on. When you find out the person who has become an important part of your life and who is supposed to care about you, actually no longer cared and was just leading you on until he found someone else, it totally shakes a person to their core.
I should point out since I came out late in life, this was only my third real relationship. A straight friend said, "when the anger starts, the healing starts". I hope that's true, I have a lot of anger towards Mr X now. At first he could still do no wrong in my eyes, I was enraged with this other guy. I was sure that Mr X was innocent and didn't see this coming and eventually was won over. However the curtain begins to lift and you start to see all the flaws that you have been ignoring on purpose. Bob at "I Should be Laughing" once commented that a man can't be led away if he doesn't want to go. I was angry with Bob for saying that but I knew he was right. Even worse though Bob, is when you discover that your guy was the one who made the first move.
Like father like son, maybe it's a family thing, Mr X told me that his father left his mother when she was pregnant with him. That same year he had two other sons, one about two months before Mr X was born and one about four months after Mr X was born, so...
I think about the night I met him at bowling, it was totally by chance. He wasn't going to go that evening but his cousin asked him to go. However the cousin couldn't make it, was tied up at work and unable to tell Mr X to cancel. If he hadn't gone that week, the next bowling night he would not have been there because he went to California, after that night everything was shut down due to covid, so I would have never met him. We often joked about how lucky it was to cross paths.
When we broke up, I was unaware of everything that I know now. I wanted to be mature about the break up and so I said to him that I had no regrets about meeting him, that I only regretted our relationship didn't work out. I take that back, I completely regret meeting him, I wish he never made it that night. This is not like when I broke up with Dan, I never regretted that relationship, I still cherish it to this day. However regarding Mr X, I wish I never met him. I wish that I just went bowling and met some nice guys that night and again two weeks later, then covid happened and I hid out on the farm and life was just the usual day to day for me. It also hurts that today is a month since our breakup but I know that for him.. today is just a Friday.
Thursday, July 2, 2020
Today I go for my first haircut, I'm excited and not scared anymore. It's a local person and so far there has been no virus in this area. Also happily even the larger cities have been steadily going down. It's been a long time since I had a haircut, March the ninth! I would have gotten one sooner but the lady who usually cuts my hair from this area, fell and broke her fingers on one hand. This lady was recommended to me but since she is the only one that cuts hair in the area now, she was really booked up.
Wow.. March ninth, that just shows how totally blind to this virus we were. I remember I was going to head home and people were talking about a possible shut down for a week or two on the radio. I was going to wait but then I thought to myself that it was a nice night, I still had time so I went and had it cut. Never did I imagine that we would be hiding out for the next four months.
I'm a little worried about it actually happening, just because of my luck, I fear some disaster will happen and my appointment will be cancelled. I mean you know... Mr Bean (me) goes for a haircut.
I was able to see my mom on Tuesday, I was a little worried that I would become emotional, I haven't seen her since the end of February. I had missed one visit and I didn't think that much of it. The homes decided as a precaution to stop all visitors, we were told it would be for a couple of weeks, that was back in March. I was a little surprised by her appearance, she has lost a lot of weight. Part of her dementia is that food tastes bad to her so she has no appetite. Her hair was more grey and she seemed weaker but she was still getting around. She always wants to help, she feels bad for the people in wheelchairs and so takes them up and down the halls.
At first she didn't recognize me, unfortunately I have to wear a mask. She was even afraid of me. After about ten minutes it started to sink in who I was and I could tell that she knew me. She actually said, "I didn't know where you were, I waited a long time for you". I never know if she is just saying that or if somewhere deep down she understands that I haven't been around for a while. Still the coincidence of her saying that is interesting. The visit went as well as could be expected.
Of course the day couldn't just end on an okay note, not for Mr Bean. I decided to head to a local store nearby and as I was driving, I saw a piece of metal on the road. As I avoided running over it, I heard a loud thump and then hisss, obviously there was a second piece hiding on the road. Within seconds my tire was flat. I can change my own tires pretty quick. It was especially tricky since I was on a fast moving highway. Four nuts off within seconds... however the fifth nut... no way it wasn't coming off. No matter what I did. Two guys came to help, one guy was a pretty solid guy, even standing on the bar, the nut wouldn't move.
Turns out he has heavy equipment and a lot of tools. He got me to slowly drive into his yard. Still nothing would work, finally we gave up and called a tow truck. The garage couldn't get it off. In fact a heavenly being appeared before us and tried... but nothing. He/she said, "I'm-ith so sorry-ith, I created all the world before you but I can't move that #!&$ nut! Anyway eventually they had to cut it off. It was an entire afternoon adventure, $50 for the towing, $120 for the removal and I haven't paid for the replacement tire, nut and stub yet... but you know, another adventure for Steve. No wonder my nerves get shot! What should have been a few minutes turned into four hours.
Apparently Ford has stopped making the focus, just as well because I would not recommend the latest versions. They put tin caps on the tire nuts, so you have to be really careful. If you apply too much pressure, the corners will smooth out and instead of a nut, you now have a round pipe and your tire iron has nothing to grasp.
Finally I had to limp home using that tiny spare tire they give you. The piece of metal had sliced a good chunk of my tire so it couldn't be patched. I'm waiting to hear back from the guys when my new tire comes in. Hopefully I get to my appointment today... but stay tuned. *Sign*
Wednesday, July 1, 2020
Last night I was invited to a picnic with neighbours. A group of us sat outside, ate, had a few drinks and relaxed. It was a last minute thing and sometimes those are the best. I don't really have any plans for today but I'm ready to go with the flow.
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Today it seems unbelievable to me but my Dad died eleven years ago. My life really changed after that, some positive things but mostly negative things. It's about those life choices, they seemed to make sense at the time but now looking back, I made a lot of mistakes.
Sometimes it feels like he was just here, like I had just spoken to him last week... and other times it does feel like eleven years ago. I don't feel sad about it now, that was something I had to let go of, I do still miss him. The reality is that he would be 84, soon going on 85, so if he was still alive, he would be a different version of "Dad".
I remember a week after he died thinking it was one week, then it will be one month, then one year, five years, ten years. Now it's past ten, life marches on. I'm not going to dwell on it, especially now seeing that I'm feeling better.
Everyone warned me about being back on fakebook, they said "try" not to get into it with people on line. Well... so I was reading that one in four homeless children is a member of the LGBTQ community. That made me sad, they were kicked out for being gay or bi or trans etc. Then some religious nut started making all these comments about LGBTQ children and adults... the usual nutty ignorant garbage with lots of bible quotes and writings of religious groups and finally I couldn't take it. Basically I pointed out why the bible was a bunch of made up stories and added in the text to prove it. I think their mind fried, they didn't know what to say except the usual goop. Sometimes "stupid" needs to be challenged.
Last day of Pride month, everyone eat some skittles!
Monday, June 29, 2020
Last night I had another good night's sleep, I think that's very important, lack of sleep can begin to break you down. The pills seem to be working wonders, I take one around ten and I'm off to dream land. Usually I don't wake up until six in the morning. I really feel that was 90% of my problem, I was averaging about three and a half hours of sleep a night, usually I need at least eight. Not enough sleep means you can't think straight (no pun intended), my hands and feet begin to cramp up and twitch constantly. I become emotional, everything makes me cry. I feel my rhythm is coming back, I even take short naps during the day now, something I couldn't even think of a few days ago. My appetite is returning, no significant crying today, my dry mouth is gone, so is that sick feeling in my stomach. It's frightening how one thing going off kilter can cause a chain reaction. If the sleeping pills didn't work, I would be in serious trouble.
Also the socializing, that's important. My brain needs to interact with another person, without it the loneliness hits. I need to be sure and get out at least every second day. I have talked to people on the phone but that doesn't seem to fully cut it, I need to interact with people even if we are six feet apart. This day was a much better day, thank you everyone who left comments, sent emails, sent phone numbers or ecards. Some day I would love to meet many of you.
As Pride winds down I have a few thoughts. I know there were a lot of online parades but honestly I'm so sick of "online anything" now that I'm going to scream. I saw where one country did a Pride Parade walk. I think that's the way to go, no spectators on the streets, everyone took part, they wore masks, kept their distance and walked in the parade. The numbers in Canada are showing that the Black Lives Matter marches did not contribute to rising cases because people were still for the most being cautious while marching. I wish Ottawa would do a Pride walk.
Sometimes we forgot about the people who hate us, until we are reminded that they are out there. This year seems especially tense, some people are going out of their way to show us their hate. Some of the smaller towns painted rainbow coloured crosswalks. People have been going at night to spin their tires on the crosswalks so as to leave marks and damage the paint. One crosswalk they set something on fire to scar it and Pride flags have been stolen or damaged from town halls.
It surprises me sometimes that there are still people out there that hate us this much. To actually go out at night and do this. I always imagine in my head some guy that never finished high school and doesn't shower, doing this. The other thing that surprises me is when this is mentioned in the media, the comments of people who you think would know better, are very disappointing. Many think this is funny, many put up pictures of a laughing face. When you trace back, a lot of the time it's ordinary people and not some thug.
One of the worst is Facebook, many people want to let you know what they think. Thanks for showing me how narrow minded you are but actually no one asked you. I usually stay off Facebook, actually for years at a time, I made the mistake of reading a few stories.
I'm really glad there is a movement to boycott Facebook by companies. They are telling Facebook to clean up the hate and false information or they are dropping them as advertising. At first typical of Facebook that said "stuff it, we're not doing a thing"! However it's becoming a movement and now Facebook is pooping their pants! Not so cocky when your revenue starts to dry up. Karma is a b... well you know.
Last fall as I was starting to meet more gay people and was even starting a relationship at one point.. this is definitely not how I imagined Pride was going to be in 2020!
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Thank you everyone, the kind responses were overwhelming. I had a better day today, less crying. I worked in my garden all morning and forced myself to eat a good lunch. I don't have any appetite and my mouth always seems dry.
I went for a drive and as I was passing the cottage of my aunt and uncle, I saw they were up. I stopped in and we sat outside and had a good afternoon visit. It really helped me. They are also my godparents, so nice to see them happy and healthy.
I think another problem is that I don't sleep, three maybe four hours a night, I think that also makes me over emotional. I bought some over the counter pills to help you sleep. It seemed to work well last night, I got close to eight hours sleep in total.
I'm going to get help, I don't think I can get rid of this on my own.
Saturday, June 27, 2020
Why did I do that? I posted something cheerful today, I'm not cheerful that's a lie, I'm in a dark place. I did it so that people wouldn't become bored with me. I'm struggling here, I'm not sure what is wrong. Well yes I do, I'm trying to keep depression at bay, it's happened before only this time I think I'm losing. Sure covid didn't help and my break up didn't help but this was coming on long before the virus, long before Mr X.
Starting in the winter I would suddenly feel very alone, almost panicked about it. It would make me feel dizzy and like the weight of the world was crushing me. I've been having these episodes since I placed mom in a nursing home four years ago, I think it's because she was my last anchor. It's part of the reason I was trying to socialize more. I hadn't been working much lately, contracts had dried up. I need that interaction with people. Sometimes to keep the loneliness away, I would drive to a coffee shop half an hour from the farm. I would sit there with my phone reading blogs and eating, just so that I have people around me.
Getting into more and more clubs, meeting more and more people, meeting Mr X... it was really helping me stay out of the darkness. I was really happy, I felt I had a lot to look forward to, I felt selling the farm was a move forward for me and not an ending. Then covid hit... I wasn't allowed to see mom, my work place shut down, my social groups shut down, the restaurants shut down, the roads shut down, everyone went into hiding. All I had left was Mr X and then he left me. I was at my breaking point, I was really struggling to keep the darkness out. Discovering Mr X had replaced me... broke something inside.
I try to keep busy, to keep my mind off things but my brain has all these sad thoughts or unfinished moments and like PTSD, they flash in my mind and trigger me. Also I get these waves of absolute sadness, they make me sob and sob uncontrollably. If I can't get this under control, I'm going to have to see a doctor.
Friday, June 26, 2020
Here in Canada all governments did a pretty good job handling the virus. Also credit is due to the Canadian people, we trusted the officials and most people listened. Going forward however; now that things are opening up and we can get out, there is a complete bungling regarding wearing masks.
The main stream media and health officials are constantly telling us that masks don't actually work, they say the virus can easily penetrate a mask. They also say that people get a false sense of security while wearing a mask and put themselves into situations with a higher risk of exposure. Plus it was found that people touch their face a lot more while wearing a mask than when they were not wearing a mask, one of the worst things a person can do while out. The main stream media and health officials are also extremely puzzled as to why a lot of people are not wearing a mask. D'uh!
I'm not sure how accurate the above chart is, I don't know the source. However if the numbers are anywhere close to those numbers, I think the answer is clear. The point of a mask is that it stops an infected person from sending out droplets infected with the virus. Something like 10% - 20% of people show absolutely no symptoms, so they are walking around feeling fine not realizing that they are spreading the virus to others. Maybe simple education is needed, I was watching an interview with a man who owns a hair salon. He was so happy to be able to open back up, he was talking about how serious they take wearing masks and protecting their clients. In the background, we could see one of his stylist, working away... no mask on and talking to customers.
I think health officials need to stop sending mix messages, we should just start to say wear a mask, most Canadians will comply. Data shows countries that always wear masks when there is some kind of breakout, managed to get this under control sooner. We are actually at this moment telling people that masks are ineffective but you must wear one to protect yourself if you have to take the bus or train. Confusing? My belief is let's do everything we can to avoid another lockdown! We don't want another lockdown!
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Only six months left until Christmas! Better get started... you want to beat those large crowds! Also it's been six months since last Christmas, my how far we have come.
I was thinking, what if you happen to go somewhere warm last Christmas as a vacation and as you are walking under a coconut tree, one falls on your head, "BOINK"! Then you end up in hospital with a comma for six months (hey it happens). Now imagine that you wake up today and after you get your bearings, you then want to know what is happening, if you like sports, who won what? What's happening in politics, films, music etc. Then your friends look at each other and say, "you better lay back down".
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
I had plans with friends to do a "social distance chat and swim" for Monday. Of course that's the day the dry spell ended, clouds moved in and thunder changed our plans.. typical! I really needed the distraction, I could have used the company but that's what happens when you are me, Mr Bean. Oh no? You don't think so? Well then I decided that I felt comfortable enough for a haircut, I haven't had my haircut since March 9. Suddenly it dawned on me that I didn't need to go to the city, the young woman who used to do mom's hair is really good and cuts men's hair as well.
I called to make an appointment and she said, "I'm sorry Steve, I had to close down, I went for a walk along the river, tripped and fell, I broke my fingers on one hand". Poor lady, finally allowed to open her business and now she can't.
Fortunately we decided to try the swim and chat for the following day. It was a go! I brought my own drinks, lawn chair, sunglasses and Speedo... not. We sat around under the trees having a good conversation. There were two rules however; no political talk (especially that name.. ugh) and no virus talk (especially that name..ugh). After a while there were some dark clouds in the sky so we decided to go swimming.
It brought back many memories, I often swam in this lake as a child and up to my twenties. I couldn't help feeling like a kid again. Once I got in, the water felt great, there is always that moment where (for men) "the boys" try to convince you that submerging them in cold water is a bad idea.
Eventually the day turned into evening and it was time to go. I said my thanks, packed everything up and left. Last night I had one of the best sleeps I've had in a long time.
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
This year when I was deciding what to do about the garden and flower beds, the decisions were difficult. Unfortunately with everything being shut down, there were few plants or flowers to be found anywhere. All the markets where I normally buy from, were not able to plant seeds and so were shut down. I had to search far just to find tomato plants. Almost all of the seeds were sold out. There were some things I couldn't get like onions to grow.
I had to make due, I always resow my potatoes and this year I used old onions from last year to regrow new ones.
One thing that was annoying was I couldn't get flowers. Most places were sold out by the time I was allowed to travel. The flowers that were left didn't look so healthy. I was thinking about letting the flower beds return to grass and just mow. I decided to try something, there are still old heritage type petunias growing here, they actually get quite large. I found some growing in clumps and transplanted them to spread them out. Unfortunately they won't start blooming until July but that's almost here and something is better than nothing.
We will see what happens, this picture was taken on June 14 a few days after transplant. They are starting to fill in more now, later I will do an after shot.
My Spiraea came back this year thankfully, last year I trimmed it to the ground to give it new growth, it had been half killed by winter winds. I didn't realize how slowly they grow back so there were no flowers and no bush last year.
I love saying Spiraea, people always think you said another word... lol.
Almost like tiny apple blossom.
I also did the same to the snow ball bush, I forgot the proper name, I cut it to the ground last year and now it's coming back.
Right now we are going through a crazy heatwave with high humidity, no rain as well, the lawn is crunchy like breakfast cereal without milk.
Monday, June 22, 2020
Often at night I love to leave my window open, the fresh air and the humming night symphony make for a good night's sleep. The summer and fall have the constant soft sounds of crickets and other night insects that creates a gentle white noise to help you drift off. My favorite however is the spring frogs, suddenly the dead winter nights with only an occasional mournful wolf howl burst forth with life.
The first to start are the peeper frogs, together they make this beautiful chorus, almost a song. Nothing makes me sleep better than to drift off with them singing in the background. Also they signal better days ahead. The peepers peep until about the last week of May. While their song starts to fade out, another type of frog takes over, it has a more of a humming song. By the first week of June they make an almost hypnotic night theme. It goes in soft waves of intensity.
After these frogs start to fade out for another year, comes the last ones. I have no idea what they are called but some nights I have to shut the window. These guys make an annoying sound and if you are having a bad night of sleep, they certainly don't help. They make a sound like, "GULP... gulp, gulp gulp! GULP... gulp, gulp, gulp! Some times it can sound like "Derp... derp, derp, derp"! Most times however you learn to live with it, I mean at least it's not like listening to traffic.
The one night event that I don't like is when you wake up and hear only silence. That's a signal fall is on the way, same with no bird songs in the morning, another bad sign. I will worry about fall later, we have just started summer and I will take the gulp gulp frogs over anything that has to do with fall. Now where's my ear foams... grumble grumble.. stupid frogs.
Today I saw a silly game to play, it says that your stripper name is the colour of your underwear and then the last thing you had for breakfast. Ooh la la, today I'm "Black Coffee" which sounds really sexy, much better than yesterday which would have been "White Porridge".
Sunday, June 21, 2020
This morning when I turned on the news they said it was father's day. Obviously it made me think of Dad. Many times I could really use his strength right now. I can't believe it will be eleven years this June 30. It feels like four or five, it still feels very wrong that he is not here.
I would feel sorry for him now, he would be separated from mom because of her dementia, most of his friends are gone and now with covid, he would be restricted socially, which would be hard for him.
With all the silliness going on in my life, I couldn't help think... "Dad, now there's a real man"! Loyal and always trying to do right by people. Absolutely trustworthy beyond description. It's too bad more men couldn't be like him. We had become close the last ten years of his life, I toughened up and he mellowed down, so we met half way.
I still have the last father's day card I bought him unopened in my drawer. He was so ill that day, my sister and I couldn't give him our cards. We knew they would be the last cards we gave him and so started crying every time we tried to walk into the room.
Those are not the memories we recall now however. Fortunately the happy ones eventually win. Miss you Dad.
To be honest it would not be correct to let people believe that Mr X and I had this perfect relationship and some guy suddenly came along and stole him. The truth is we were having issues, I didn't know this until the bridges opened up. I was so excited and called him, I was expecting him to be as excited as I was... not. I knew he was going to open up his summer place that Monday. I asked if he would be back Tuesday or Wednesday, it's only about 45 minutes away from the city. He said no, he wasn't coming back for two weeks. I was stunned... like being hit with a 2X4, the old Mr X would have jumped through hoops to get to me. Clearly he no longer felt the same way, I knew it was over for us in that moment. Especially when he wouldn't even come into the city for one day to see me. Even though he kept saying that he just needed a break from the city and covid... I knew we were finished.
From what I know, the other guy started chatting with Mr X much later after that. They announced their feelings the day after our breakup and made plans to be together, so clearly they had been talking before our breakup but he didn't take X from me, I was already losing him. Now that I have calmed down, I see a lot of things I should have done, like go and pin down Mr X and get him to make a decision. Even when he kept telling me things were fine, I have to admit I knew that they were not. I was just too afraid of the answer if I kept pressuring him. Still being replaced the following day was very unexpected and extremely painful.
I have also come to the conclusion that my having a hard time getting over Mr X, has more to do with covid than Mr X. I suddenly realized that I am still in lockdown, unlike most people, nothing has changed for me since March. Mr X was my last thread of normal, his phone calls every day meant a lot to me. I don't see people for days on end, I lost my job, I can't visit people, there is no place to go, everything is closed. Losing Mr X was that final straw. Today I realized I need to get out of here, I can't spend another winter here alone. Yesterday and today I frightened myself with how emotional I kept getting, I don't sleep at night, I can't concentrate on anything, not even a tv show. That's not because of Mr X, that's something else.
I will also have to agree 100% with that advice we always hear... stay away from your ex's social media. I disagreed at first, I thought finding out that he immediately replaced me would help me get over him faster. WRONG!!! Today a thought hit me, that today was the day they had arranged to be together, the guy was to stay with X at the summer place.. the place where I wasn't welcome. What good did it do me to know that!!! It didn't make me angry and get over him faster, it just made me picture them at the camp grounds having fun with his friends and then later them being intimate together. Now forever the memories of this relationship will be tainted, instead of knowing I was replaced the next day... It would have been better to go on in life just thinking Mr X was a nice guy but our relationship just wasn't meant to be.
Saturday, June 20, 2020
Today I'm going to write about some things in anger that I have noticed over my time out as a gay man. Especially during this last relationship I felt almost under attack. First I would just like to say to a large portion of the gay male community.. that the next time I'm dating someone.. KEEP YOUR DIRTY FILTHY PAWS OFF MY MAN! I actually had to clean that sentence up, I really wanted to use other words!
I first really started to notice a problem with gay culture and attitudes back when I was dating Dan. There is this desire for another man's boyfriend or husband, there is also this attitude that if you can turn his head, then he is fair game. What the HELL? I used to get angry when Dan and I went out to a function with other gay people. Actually it was usually me that got hit on, sometimes even while holding Dan's hand or cuddled up watching something. He thought it was funny, I think he took it as a compliment that other guys found me attractive. I felt differently, I felt it was an insult to Dan, I felt they were saying, "I'm such a gift to the world, I can steal your boyfriend away". Also because I loved Dan so much at the time, he was a prince to me while that type of guy who would do that, made me view him as a shallow STD infected Petri dish.
Sometimes the opposite would happen, Dan was this tall ruggedly handsome man that rode motorcycles, did home renovations, liked leather jackets and was very outgoing. The masculine gays heard the dinner bell ringing, they felt I shouldn't have Dan, this preppy dressing office boy type who drives an economic Ford Focus. I often felt under threat and that's not a good feeling. We both were annoyed by the same experience because it only started happening regularly after we were in a relationship. Even now when I think back to my very first boyfriend, there were guys trying to move in on us but I was too naive to see it.
This last relationship with Mr X really took the cake however. Mr X had been single for over a year, he has a large network of gay and gay positive friends. He was constantly saying that he was ready to date. Nobody stepped up to ask him out, nobody said that "they have a friend he should meet"... nothing.. there was silence, then we started dating... look out. Mr X started telling friends that he was dating someone. I guess everyone suddenly thought, oh I should have acted sooner, I want to date Mr X.
The first assault on our relationship came when covid closed the bridges and I couldn't see Mr X, his best friend for years (who is a catch) came over one day and crying told Mr X that he has fallen in love with him, that they were the perfect couple instead of him and I. That night Mr X assured me not to worry but when I hung up the phone, the stress made my eyes tear up. There is nothing more dangerous than a "best friend" in love with your guy. The reason is they think if he can't have him, then nobody should. They start to say little negative comments when you are not around. Sure your boyfriend will defend you but the "friend" has planted the seeds. This happened with Dan as well. The next assaults on our relationship came from two other friends of his, they kept saying the right words that people like to hear. Add in our separation plus the fact that our relationship was new and eventually it wasn't me Mr X started listening to.
It doesn't matter whether we would have eventually broke up, it makes no difference if we were a match or not, the thing is this attitude of, "I want that guy, so I'm going to take him". Also this attitude of, "oh someone is dating John, Mark or Tom, obviously he is desirable so I should date him". Mostly however amongst a lot of gay men, there is just this absolute horrible stinking filthy attitude of, "he's already dating/married.. so what"? What the hell is that about? Why should anyone take our relationships serious when obviously many of us don't.
It seems to be a gay male thing mostly, my straight friends have told me there is something similar with young married fathers, some women are really attracted to a young dad and will hit on them even with his wife nearby. However it just seems so common with gay men. You would think now that Mr X and I are older it wouldn't have been such a problem; however I feel it was worse this time around than when I was dating Dan.
I can tell you if I ever get the chance of dating a nice guy again, I am certainly not going to be so laidback this time. I won't act possessive, that can turn a guy off but I will certainly show my dark side to anyone that starts that flirtatious gay crap!
Friday, June 19, 2020
Just in time, dawn arrives and it's going to be a new day.
Regroup, restart, rewind, I have to take control of my emotions again, I have been torturing myself since Wednesday night and that's completely pointless. I thought Wednesday was going to be a good closure day, I felt good about letting go of everything and moving on. My plans were to write a goodbye post on Thursday to my last relationship, delete our pictures and move on, like people do. I certainly wasn't prepared for the wound of breaking up to be ripped open again the way it was. I feel a calmness this morning, a feeling of "there's nothing I can do about what happened, just let it go".
I had told a blog friend last week, that my sadness was no longer about Mr X, it was about the idea of being part of a couple, you could insert any nice guy into that picture and I would be happy again. I was thinking that as a couple, I no longer have to go alone to places, that I will finally have someone again to be with at Christmas and other holidays. All that comfort is lost now, plus with covid, how can I meet anyone, go anywhere?
I think back to my happy moments, he seemed like such a good guy, I sometimes can't believe it's the same man that has hurt me so much. I was hurt in my last relationship so I was cautious with this one, I often asked if he felt good about our relationship, he would say yes absolutely so I would venture forward. Some people have said it would have been better not to find out but honestly I wish I knew the truth sooner, at least I wouldn't have spent the first few days wondering if he was going to call and try to work things out. He was on the phone alright but with boyfriend number two.
I know, I know, I know what I need to do, it's the exact same thing I would tell anyone of you guys to do if you were hurting like me. I really appreciate the supportive words, you gave me what I needed so thank you all. I'm not depressed about it but I am very sad, don't worry, actually I'm more angry and disgusted now by the whole adventure, it definitely did not turn out like I thought. All the good moments we had have become tainted and that's unfortunate. Although I also didn't think society would end either.
Yesterday I couldn't think clearly but today is different, I have a lot of other serious things I need to take care of. This guy has just wasted a lot of my time. Love and relationships are funny, your life is empty without them but it can be overwhelming when the emotions go the wrong way. Nothing good will happen if I just sit here, I need to change things up again and again and again until I am in a place where I no longer need that change.
Thursday, June 18, 2020
It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. I was feeling sleepy and went to check for emails, of course that's always a big mistake as I will often start playing on the internet. Yesterday had been two weeks since Mr X said he didn't want to date anymore. I try to brush it off, move on but the truth is that I find it hard. He was very romantic with me in the beginning and that created a strong bond to him. Plus it had been so long since I felt those feelings, to lose them was heartbreaking. I know at the time, he said that he was having a hard time during lockdown with the isolation, not just from me but from all his friends as well. I felt that probably had something to do with our outcome.
I had stopped checking his social media sites, there hadn't been any activity since we broke up. I have been wondering how he is doing. Seeing that he has become so quiet I finally felt that maybe he was actually moved by our breakup or he just really wanted a quiet summer and I could accept that.
Today I checked one last time and nothing had changed, he hasn't posted anything since we broke up. I guess I was hoping to read something like, "I made a mistake in letting my boyfriend go and need to win him back"! However there was nothing, there will be no phone call no matter how often I stare at the phone. I know covid separating us was a big factor no matter how many times he said it was okay. I thought maybe I would check, delete my pictures of him and say a final goodbye. Still I felt something was odd, one minute I was so important to him and suddenly he had no interest in me or anything I did.
I was playing around on one of his sites and started reading gay jokes on another page belonging to a friend of his. I came across one post where his friend was excited about his new boyfriend, he joked about the guy being the hottest guy on earth and everyone replied how happy they were for him. Then Mr X replied, "awww you're pretty hot yourself... going to bed now, talk in the morning". What??? What was that??? I felt like I had just been slapped! I started reading comments on other posts of this friend... the guy's new boyfriend is Mr X!!!
YOU RAT BASTARD!!! There is just so much wrong with this my head felt like it was going to blow!
I can't help think that we called and text constantly to stay in touch, sometimes he would say that he's really busy with work, so I would call him later. He certainly found the time to work on getting a second boyfriend. Not being into me I could accept, having my replacement ready is hurtful beyond hurtful. Maybe if he put that much effort into "us" it would be different. Although I guess I don't want a boyfriend like "him", I want a boyfriend like the way I thought he was. Also how hurtful to let me think I wasn't good enough for him when in reality he had found someone else.
I can't believe he did this, he has ruined the entire memory of "us". My stomach feels sick, I can't sleep, he broke my heart a second time in the worst way.
How could you Mr X.
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
Yesterday I was congratulating American LGBTQ members for their supreme court's ruling, that people who are members of the community are now considered full humans with workplace rights. They certainly didn't have a problem taking your tax dollars like everyone else. I heard the utter disappointment in your fake president's voice over the decision. I guess for him love is between a man and his current wife.. and mistress.. and porn star.. and playboy model.. and daughter.
I hope the evangelicals were up all night running around a field speaking in tongues and lightning candles over the decision. I assume this decision will be the new sign of the coming apocalypse.
People often gripe about the younger generations, I personally hate that. If there is something wrong with younger people... then seriously who's fault is that? I think it's a case of youth jealousy, many of the people I hear complaining now.. let me tell you were definitely little jerks when they were young.
Sometimes it's really awesome to hear the pure thoughts that come from children. I don't mean little kids, I mean from ten years and up. The reason I say this is because of the reaction some parents viewed while explaining the LGBTQ court ruling to their children here in Canada. Basically the children were shocked that in the year 2020, LGBTQ people didn't have rights in the U.S. "What do you mean they could be fired for being gay"? "They're not allowed to say they're gay?" "Why don't they have rights"? "They were allowed to be discriminated against"? "Their leader is against them"? "Why aren't they treated like other people"? "That's just wrong"! The little darlings, almost makes me regret trying to bring in leash laws regarding children under fourteen.
It will be amazing when these kids are adults, to them the decision was a "no brainer". Especially here in Canada within the larger city schools. Parents are proud of their children for having a more open mind than they do. I remember guys at work happily talking about their children's conversations. "Remember that girl in my class Taylor, tall girl, reddish hair, she used to be Mike before grade nine" or a son says to his father, "no dad I'm not dating Julie, I'm dating Sarah, Tom is dating Julie and Brian is dating that guy Nick". The dads were amazed by how seamless that was for their children.
Every step forward is a step in the right direction and little steps add up over time. Remember to keep pushing that gay agenda to the point where evangelical Christians feel comfortable enough with gay people that they start having gay sex in their bedrooms and not in public toilets like they do now!
Hey... well Maddie is going away for a little while so someone has to be the smarty pants around here!
Monday, June 15, 2020
I would like to take a moment from your daily disaster, death and destruction to remind everyone that it's pride month. If anything can show us that things can get better, it's pride. I never thought that I would see the day when gay people were getting married, starring in tv shows and movies, taking same sex partners to high school proms, even running for president of the United States. Yet here we are, it gets better. One day there will be a vaccine and you can go out again without fear of death, one day people of colour can fall asleep in their car without fear of death. It will get better, I think change is in the air.
We need a little Rainbow Power!
First off.. people still ask, "how do I know if I'm gay". You must take the official test, it's quite easy, no studying required.
Before you begin the celebrations, you must always remember our main goal is to push our gay agenda onto everyone else.
Once you have reminded yourself of the agenda... wait.. what was that? Yes, yes Debra #4 could be kittens as well. *Sigh*
Anyhoo, everyone is welcome to pride month, not just all the people under our rainbow but straight people as well.
Of course with pride comes the religious wingnuts, so you need to be ready to totally rattle them.
I want to see some romantic gay kissing, smooch smooch smooching!
Let the homokissual begin.
Ewww girls kissing, actually I find these two women kissing kinda hot, you go girls!
I think these two are so cute, my type of guys.
More lesbians eww no joking awww, I wish someone would look at me the way these two are looking at each other.
Meeting up after a separation? Going on a journey together? What is your story gentlemen.
This kiss looks so romantic, I swear that I can feel it. Mmmm.
Of course there can't be anything gay happening without Teddy, he is a very proud gay bear and wanted to be included.
Remember to have fun but we still have to be cautious. I'm being extra careful, in fact I had three covid tests today alone and two yesterday.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
The other day I went outside to check on my garden. I wanted to see who was peeking up and who is still sleeping in their beds. You see what I did there, seed beds, garden beds? Get it? It was a nice warm evening and as I walked around the corner I was gently enveloped by a fragrance in the air. The apple trees and lilac were in full bloom. The spring scent was uplifting, washing away any stress.
I love the smell of lilac, I once heard that part of the beauty of lilac, is that it's fleeting, pretty and fragrant and within a few days gone for another year. I love the smell so much that I wrapped up some of the flowers and froze them. I want to see if I can enjoy them in winter. These lilacs have been growing in this spot since the 1800s, we are not sure if my great grandparents planted them or if they were already here when they bought the farm. An elderly neighbour told me that long ago, one way to know if a farm was owned by an Irish family was to see if lilacs and rhubarb were growing on it.
Apple blossoms, so pretty and they smell so good as well. All the apple trees growing here grew naturally, we didn't buy them.
A day or two after the first lilac picture, I went out one morning and the bushes were covered with these yellow butterflies.
I haven't seen these guys in years and definitely not in large numbers like on this day, not since I was a teenager have I seen the flowers covered with them, so beautiful.
It made me wonder if everyone having to stay indoors resulted in the abundance of the butterflies, especially when you see how so much wildlife had started to take over in the absence of people. It was hard to get a picture of a bunch together, they were really active and darting everywhere.
Finally a little waterfall that is on the farm. It's fed by water (melting snow) that is trapped on a small mountain (hill) and the water seeps out from between the rocks over time and runs down. However since it's actually melted snow, eventually by July it stops running.
Tonight the temperature will drop down to near 0 Celsius, I have a fire going to stay warm. This is not normal for this time of year.
Wednesday, June 10, 2020
I thought that I probably should mark my one week anniversary of being
Well time keeps marching on. It's been a week since I received my little text surprise. I was stunned, it's like that moment back when you're a child and your ice cream hits the floor.
There is a moment of disbelief and you can't help seeing all the great times you had together start flashing through your mind. Like feeling alive again, feeling that you are connecting with someone on a totally different level.
Then suddenly your dream is over, sometimes it's a long time coming but sometimes it is an abrupt end and you're numb inside at first, turned to stone.
I was walking around in a fog the first day but eventually I started to realize what it meant. No more hugs, no more kissing, no more snuggling, cuddling, talking, joking, laughing or even seeing each other. No more "us" just me, and the full meaning sinks in.
He is no longer a part of my life.
I didn't tell anyone at first, I was embarrassed that I lost my partner. Like messing up and losing a dream job. I couldn't blog, I just wanted to be alone.
Breaking up has that really awkward moment, the one where you really need the support of your partner... but it's that person you're no longer able to ask for help.
Sometimes I feel angry with myself, that I let him off the hook too easy, that in trying to do the right thing, I gave him the smooth exit he wanted and I'm doing all the heavy lifting. Many times I want to be able to just yell at him, "look what you did to me"!
Then at other times I think being mature is the right thing to do. It's the best way to pretend that he really wasn't that big of a deal to me, sometimes I'm tired of always doing the right thing. I could even wish him good luck with his next relationship, maybe even with his buddy that tried to cut in on me.
Hey, I said that I usually am mature about these things, I didn't say I'm always mature about these things.
This will take a little while but I'll survive, most people do. Surprisingly I'm not bitter or angry about this, nor do I feel like I should just give up. I feel like I have gained more experience and I want to get back out there and try this again and again until hopefully one day it works out for me. I know people say there is an ocean out there, it is a little daunting to start at zero again... especially now. I feel very alone and I don't want to.
Sooo this is me...again.