Progress Report.

Today I was thinking back over the last two years, with how far or not how far I have come on this journey. I had planned to write about spirituality and the conflict I feel between it and being gay but something else surprised me today while I was thinking of what to write. One of my friends that is evangelical came to mind and how strict his beliefs are. I used to always think to myself, how easy it is for him, to be born straight, tall, blond, blue eyes, smart and it is so easy to dismiss anyone else who is a little different. That was the one thing that caught my attention today. I had no feelings of envy towards him as usual, no wishing that I was straight and had a perfect family also. I had finally let that go, the wanting to be straight. Normally thinking about someone like him would send me into thoughts of regret, a missed straight life but it did not happen. I just feel he is one type of man and I am another that has to lead a different life. When I began to accept being gay I'm not sure, so I wanted to take stock of where I am. Two years ago I knew something had to change, I just could not go on living a lie like I was, two years ago I would not have said the sentence "I am gay" out loud.

I guess this is my gay report card! Well I still can't believe that I told people, that I came out, only five people so far but I am trying to add to that list. If you asked me even six months ago if I would come out sometime this year, I'd probably answer no. I guess then I should get an "A" for that but part of me feels I should get a "D+" for waiting too long! I feel good about the fact that I do not regret telling them, more like I feel I should have told them sooner. That was one of my worries, that the next day I would want to take the words back and could not, so I think an "A+" for that one. I'm starting to "like" being gay, it is kind of cool at times to be in this club, to get the jokes that go by straight people completely unnoticed, to look at pictures of men and not feel guilt and to meet people in gay blogland. I have started a few friendships and it is awesome to be able to talk about guys, what I want from a relationship, to go to your blogs and see who you think is cute, read about your dates, see what you are up to etc. Even the fact that I started this blog is so different from the guy who nearly had a heart attack from contacting his first blog friend almost two years ago. I'm thinking a "B-" because there is still a lot of work for me accepting being gay.

My close straight friend always brings me back to earth though. He points out that while I am playing on the net, I am not actually going out to meet other real gay people here. He says I am probably using the blogs as an excuse to avoid putting myself in the uncomfortable position of meeting people. Dang! He knows me so well I can't really hide anything from him, so it is an "F". I remind him that I am coming out and that I have made close friends on the net. He reminds me that the people I am coming out to are mostly straight friends and that how can I network to meet someone from all straight groups, also he asks where my blog friends are from and then tells me that one of the reasons I have friends hundreds of miles away is so that I can avoid actually having to meet and go out. Double dang! Another "F" why did I have to get the straight guy friend with so much insight! I am at the point where I would like to go out to a bar or restaurant with a group of gay friends but to be honest I would be very uncomfortable if one of those friends was really effeminate, I hate that I have that prejudice towards another gay man but I would be lying if I said other wise. For that another "F" until I can work it out. Some people are afraid of clowns, well for me drag queens scare the crap out of me, partly because there is the feeling of the wolf under the sheep's clothing and partly because of the fear that maybe if I were to try it , I might like wearing a dress to, so another "F".

It would be misleading for me to let people think that I have accepted being gay, I still struggle with it. Almost everyday there are still the old feelings of "why me" but they don't have the tortured power over me that they once did. I no longer feel that I will just be gay until the change over comes, now I work towards how can I be happy while being gay. Like I often say, it is not that I found strength and will charge into this like a hero, it is more like I have become tired of fighting against who I am and in order to find peace, I need to lay down my sword and shield.