Friday, June 30, 2017
Today at lunch I witnessed something that happens a lot these days but it's something I never thought I would hear in my lifetime. I was sitting with a group of engineers and the usual, casual conversations were going on. Some were getting caught up on the latest news from their phones and making comments. One man remarked that Germany had voted to allow gay marriage. He said it in a matter of fact tone, not like twenty years ago where everyone would have started hyperventilating, and the none reaction spoke volumes to me. Even better was that the news was received by the rest with a "it's about time" type of attitude and they moved on to the next story coming up on their screens. Sometimes the smallest things are really the biggest, it gives me such a good feeling to see and hear positive attitudes towards gay people. A day that at one time, I could only dream about.
Thursday, June 29, 2017
I have an idea as to why I am having so many upsetting thoughts this last year, I just need to figure out how to stop them. I am having one right now, it's been coming all day. I tried to go to bed but I feel as if I'm drowning. I will write it out here, maybe when I see it written down, the effect will go away. It's a memory of what happened eight years ago (eight already, unbelievable). My car had to go in for minor repairs, and my sister came to stay with dad while I was away. I still had the apartment so I was going to stay overnight in the city and come back the next day. I figured it would be a long time before I would get another chance as dad was really sick by this point. I was ready to go and I walked in to tell dad that I was leaving; however he was sleeping and I decided not to wake him. He seemed to be more content when I was around so I figured not to upset him, he sometimes slept all day and may not realize I was gone until it was the next morning when I returned. I also didn't want to say goodbye, it became hard to say that word. I stood there for a few seconds watching him sleep, he seemed peaceful, those few seconds are haunting me now, that would be the last time I would ever see my dad alive again, he died the next day before I came home, that memory is the last time I saw dad.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
This spring/summer season here has been anything but nice so far. At this moment I have the furnace running, I came home to a damp freezing house again, some days are like weather we usually get in May instead of almost July. Yesterday in the evening we had a little break, sunshine and decent temperature. Driving home, I couldn't help notice the very attractive men and women jogging and biking along the many paths this city has. Very healthy looking people, that fit nicely into their shorts and t-shirts. ............................................ This reminded me of something that happened years ago and it always makes me smile. I was driving with a female passenger and we were traveling along a beautiful parkway. It had a path along the Ottawa river and the sun was getting ready to set. It was warm like last night and we passed a very attractive male/female couple jogging along the river. My friend said something along the lines of, "wow nice body, easy on the eyes"! Inside I had a little self "hehehe" moment because I agreed, "oh yeah, nice body". She was probably thinking that I was talking about the woman jogging, and wouldn't know that I was actually agreeing with her on the male jogger. I used to love those inside jokes. Years later however, we would reveal our true sexuality to each other, yes she is actually gay and lives happily with her partner. Now when I think back to that evening, she was having her own private inside joke and probably just as tickled with herself as I was about me, an inside joke that would reveal itself many years later and often makes me smile to this day, ok yes... also while staring at hot joggers, that's something to smile about as well.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Today was father's day, I can imagine there were many ugly ties, shirts and socks given as gifts along with cards, maybe even breakfast in bed for some. We never really think about what it means until the time comes when one day you say "dad" and there is no longer anyone to answer. Sitting in my drawer is the last card I bought for my father, we knew he was going to die at the time I bought it but he had been strong those days leading up to that weekend. I was extremely annoyed trying to get him a decent father's day card, everything I read was either jokes about drinking beer, farting or golf which would not be suitable, or the complete opposite with mushy poetry and the I love you so much type of sentiment, also something that wouldn't really relate to my dad. I finally found one that was more meaningful, it was basically a thank you for steering me in the right direction type of card. I was happy with what I bought and felt good about giving it to him. However the day before father's day, my dad had a really hard day and into the night, that morning he was really weak, drifting in and out. My sister and I wanted to give him our cards and little gifts later that morning but the reality that we were about to lose him was heavy on us. Every time we tried to enter the room, we could not keep from crying, the words on our cards took on a new meaning, they were not just words of thank you, they were a final thank you. After many attempts, we decided to let dad rest. Two weeks later he died and the card not given sits there waiting. Sometimes I think that I will burn it on the ten year mark of his death, at other times I think I should read it to him by his graveside, sort of finally giving him the card, but that would be just torturing myself, plus I never feel he is there in any way. I will just say this, thanks Dad for everything and I miss you almost every day still.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Today while grocery shopping, I saw the cutest guy I think on the entire planet, this guy was so cute, that he was achingly cute. I wonder what it must be like to be like that. Every time I turned a corner and got to see that incredibly handsome face, it felt like little jolts of electricity in my stomach. To add to his looks, he was also some sort of athlete on a team, oh man did that guy ever show his workout results, there were other guys there shopping with him, they also were easy to look at.... but this guy, it was an event to look at him, even better, he seemed like a nice guy, just from the way he joked with the others. He must have been only about nineteen or twenty, a whole lifetime ahead of him. Some where out there, some lucky woman or man, is going to someday, get to strip down with that body and touch it in ways that I can only dream of. Lol