Tuesday, May 31, 2016
What is it about you, it just makes my day to see you. I look at you and sometimes I catch you looking at me. I think you are the cutest guy ever, not movie star cute or model cute but "cute as a bug" sort of cute. A lot of people might even overlook you, but not me. Now life keeps putting us together, you came to my area one day, I couldn't speak to you, what is it about you. I have been moved to another area, I feel electricity in my stomach when I realise that this is your group, I joke, laugh and talk to the other guys, until you come around, I lose my voice when you are near by, what is it about you. I wonder, am I picking up on an invisible vibe, some secret pheromones, are we compatible on some hidden level in nature. I would like to talk to you but now I am afraid, (I know) that I will get tongue tied and screw up my first impression. You worked near me today, I couldn't speak to you, I know my ears will burn bright red and I will be discovered, people will know how I feel about you. I heard you speaking, you just had to have that sexy voice, very masculine. ................................................ The end of the day comes, everyone leaves, I'm working late, the place is empty, I could hear a pin drop. Suddenly from behind a pillar you appear, you have been there this whole time, I quickly run through my mind wondering if I was talking to myself or worse.... singing to myself because I thought I was alone. This is my chance, just the two of us, say something clever even witty maybe, think think think, what is it about you, I feel you unplug me. That's it, I could joke about you startling me, say something Steven say something. My mind is blank, I open my mouth to say something but no sound comes out. You check your messages and leave, I missed my chance and I am completely off kilter, I didn't say a word, what is it about you, why am I so thrown when you are around.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
I can't be the only one, I can't possibly be the only gay man at my place of work. Granted it is technology driven work so a lot of engineers and maybe not a huge calling to "the gays" but that's me being stereotype-ish implying that gay people don't want to be engineers. If one more super fem guy, fabulously floats up to me saying look at the pictures of my wife and children.... I am going to SCREAM! Is the world playing some sort of joke on me, little me versus the world, the land of the straights. I am going to be captured and placed in a gay zoo, alone without a mate and "gay Steve" rights activists will pity me and demand my release. Well maybe I won't be totally alone, after all there are a lot of women engineers at my work and I think they might belong in a gay zoo, we would know for sure by their Home Depot frequent buyer's card
Sunday, May 8, 2016
I'm not sure if it's because I am getting older but I'm a lot more emotional than I used to be and I really hate it. Especially since my father died, it will be seven years this spring (unbelievable to me, time flies) and I found that it changed me, or more correctly, I found that his dying damaged me emotionally. I seem to cry or more correctly almost cry at every strong emotion, happy or sad and it's really becoming annoying. I am almost embarrassed to watch any kind of movie at a friend's place and certainly uncomfortable in a theater. I was raised to hide our emotions and while that is wrong and unhealthy, I also don't like when people feel the need to share every emotion with everyone, that makes me really uncomfortable as well. I don't see crying as a weakness anymore but I see it as a weakness in this case. I find emotions are like flooding wasters to me, rushing forward with the power of a river, pressure building up behind a dam, building building until I can no longer hold back and then boom, it breaks through. I worried this was a gay thing but I'm not sure, I see it in straight guys as well but I have to admit that I notice it a lot more in the gay men I have met. ............................ I wish I could control it like back in my early years, maybe that wasn't really control, maybe it was emotional ignorance, still I would like to get back to a place where I didn't have to worry about falling apart in front of someone.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Is it okay to lie about my age, I mean in the world of the gays? In Gaydoneah age is a horrible thing and a gay man must have done something terribly wrong to deserve getting old, once you get past thirty, you might as well be ninety. Looking young is my super power, I don't have any talents really, I am a very average person, but I have this gift of looking much younger than I am. Many times at work guys in their thirties will say "I thought you were my age". I love to tell the story of my fortieth birthday, I was asked for id by the bouncer when we went out dancing, many witnesses were there to hear the whole thing (I love making sure everyone knows that story). ............................................ So like a super hero, is it wrong to use the power I was given. Is it wrong to maybe tell a teeny tiny little fib sometime about my age. I don't do it, I would feel guilty but I know a lot of people would dismiss me for my age. Depending on the crowd I want to run with, I am thinking about holding back the truth. I wonder if I would be the only gay man out there lying about his age?