My intention when starting this blog was to write about my fears of coming out as I built up enough courage to crack open the closet door and take a peek out. Hugely surprising to myself I suddenly jumped the gun and did it before I started writing. August 11, 2007 was the day I finally came out to someone for the first time. I had been wanting to tell my friend Eric for weeks, he seemed pretty open minded about things and I was hoping he would be ok with having a gay friend. There were many evenings while over at his place, sitting in the dark watching a movie, where I would go to say something, open my mouth but the words failed me. The movie "Beautiful Thing" has a great line, a mother is angry with her son because he won't talk to her about whether he is gay or not, he responds "some things are just hard to say" and when in the moment, it is one of the hardest sentences to get out. I have know Eric almost seven years, we met through work and I will always remember the first day we met. While trying to get to know me he asked if I had a wife or girlfriend, when I said "no" he very casually asked if I had a boyfriend. I faked being insulted by the question but in my mind I remember thinking "wow is this guy cool, I know we are going to be friends". My worry was that some straight guys say they could have a gay friend but things change when confronted with the real thing.
One evening he was given tickets for a show plus supper after and since his wife could not go, he asked me instead. I planned on telling him that night but I was going to wait until the end of the night in case it did not go well. I was worried all night how to start off and the evening was drawing to a close which was making me frustrated. Then the funniest thing happened, we bumped into a woman I know, she is a lesbian and she was with her partner, however she did not know that I am gay. We talked for a bit and after she left, Eric said to me that they seem like a nice couple and he sees nothing wrong with gay couples. We were walking and then he turned to me and said "what about you" pause, "you gay"? Wow my brain exploded into a thousand thoughts, I felt this is it, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said "yeah, yeah I am" and that was it, I was out. He asked twice more because he thought I might be playing a trick on him. He said he did not care and that nothing would change between us regarding our friendship, so far it has not, if anything we are probably more open with each other now than before. It is true when people say there is a freedom to be gained by it and that a weight is lifted from your shoulders. Oddly it does not feel awkward to begin coming out but more like this is where I am suppose to be, sort of like finally coming home.
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4 comments:
It is nice to hear that went well for you. I hope when I tell my best friend it goes over as smoothly.
also, thanks for the comments, I appreciate them!
I'm so glad that it went well for you. More stories about coming out like this should be told. It's inspiring to hear that there are people who view us as normal.
Congrats, on it going so well. I know how you felt afterwards, but I can tell you this I have never been happier since I have started this process.
good on you (whatever your name is - 'stim' perhaps as an acronym) for coming out. what a great relief to come out of a (self imposed) exile and find that the people you know and love actually know and love you back. i'm concerned about how many people there are out there who are still in the closet. in canada for god's sake! (which we view as some sort of gay mecca from distant australia)
this john person's comments are so self-deprecating. 'people who view us as normal...' of course we're normal! that's not even a question for discussion. we shouldn't be living our lives apologetically as if we're a burden to the rest of society - we should be bold and passionate and live our lives however we want to, and tell people to go and get fucked if they have a problem with it. most people really don't care.
stim, you haven't wasted your life - you can explore every aspect of what it means to be gay now, but it's not everything, so you haven't invalidated all the other things you've done in your life just by staying in the closet. better out than in nevertheless.
the good news is that coming out starts off great and just keeps getting better, until you start to ignore your sexuality completely as it's no longer an issue. i came out when i was 16 to my friends and 18 to my family. i wasn't concerned about friends too much, but i thought telling my family would be a disaster. initially there were some bumps in the ride, raised voices, denials etc etc, but a few years later it was a complete non issue, and now it doesn't even register and my relationship with my boyfriend is seen in the same way as my sister's with her boyfriend. i don't live in the same city as my parents (melbourne), but am moving back next year for work and am going for a week-long holiday later this year to show my new boyfriend around in the hope that he'll move there too. my family is so excited that my sister and her partner are flying in for a few days to meet him, and my parents are moving out of their big room at the front of the house into the room i had as a kid for that week just so my boyfriend and i have more space and can feel more comfortable when we're there. my mum's already asking me what he likes to eat and my dad has reckons he'll wrestle my mum so as to hug my boyfriend first. could never have imagined this 10 years ago what i was in the closet.
i'm a doctor in a medium sized north australian town with lots of rednecks in it, but i'm openly gay and no-one has ever had a problem with it. i think if you are unapologetic and accept it as just another part of who you are, everyone else is going to accept it too. only difference it makes at work is that the nurses have stopped trying to set my up with their daughters and now try to set me up with their sons (or hairdressers)!
anyway, enough ranting. just wanted to say congratulations, keep going, and don't worry if there are minor set-backs. living your life true to yourself is the only way to be happy, and the experiences you'll have from now on will be so much sweeter for the fact that you've come out so late, in a way that people who haven't been through this form of hard-ship and self-analysis/criticism would never be able to appreciate.
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