Hey Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, that is a sentence which I don't think I will ever be able to say in my life. It has nothing to do with the fact of not having anyone at the moment, but over the fact of the situation I have put myself in by waiting so long to come out. I know hiding from my parents was wrong and that I should have told them but took the cowards way out instead. Now I have put myself in a corner due to time and age. My parents had me in their thirties so now they are well into their senior years. I know if I only had the courage to have told them in their fifties, they would have been upset, angry, there would have been yelling and probably a lot of tears from me and my Mom but I know they would have come round and we would have worked something out. My parents grew up and stayed in a small farming community in a remote part of Canada. They missed the wild sixties and disco seventies, nothing changed much for them until the eighties. Their view on life is very different from most people and yet a lot of times that is one of the things I am proud of them for. They have always been old fashioned in their thinking and in their younger days they were strict with us but not totally narrow minded. If I had told them back then, they would have gotten angry but they are not the type to say "get out and don't come back". They are reasonable enough that if a doctor or counsellor told them there was nothing wrong with me and being gay can not be cured, they would accept that. They would still expect me to be decent and lead a respectable life and you can't beat that guidance. I don't think they would ever have gotten comfortable enough to accept a boyfriend as just that, my partner and lover but they would accept him, if they could see that he was good to me, as someone important to me.
I am close to my parents, they are a big part of my life, in fact they are my life. I try to see them at least once a week or call them, they are less than a two hour drive from me. While driving up to see them this weekend, all I could think of was that I have that barrier feeling between them and myself. The one similar to the feeling that I used to have between my friends and I before I told them. I hate that feeling that they might find out, that I have to hide things from them, I feel dishonest, like I am lying to them and it weighs on my mind. The corner that I have backed myself into as I said earlier is one of age. When I visit them, it now feels like I am visiting my grandparents, because of time they have become their parents. I miss the strong people they once were, don't get me wrong they are still active but a person in their seventies does not handle life like a person in their fifties. More and more I see the rolls reversing, where I have to watch out for them and this brings me to my dilemma. I don't think I can now tell them I am gay, that would be such a blow I really fear how it would affect their health. They are at the point where small things to us are huge to them and I can see them not being able to understand and process what it means for me to be gay. The stress would play on them for weeks and the results of that scare me. They kept the monsters away from me so I could sleep in peace at night, now I feel it is my turn to do the same for them.
The other side is that it will affect me getting out and dating, starting my own life. I can't ask a boyfriend to live the life of a bad sitcom where the parents come to town and everyone scrambles to make things appear not out of ordinary according to straight people. I told a friend of a situation that happened recently with this being a small city. One day while off work, I took a wrong turn that lead me to an old mall I had not been to in some time. I thought I would go in and grab something to eat. I saw a gay couple, you could tell they were in love and I wondered what it would be like to be able to just walk around and "be" with someone you loved, as I rounded the corner there was my Mom, and she pointed over to my Dad eating ice cream with a big grin on his face. All I could think of was, if I had a boyfriend with me then "busted"! I asked my sister what she thought about me telling them, her reply was "nooooooo"! She reminded me about their deep denial of gay couples that we sort of know. Somewhere in their mind they know certain couples are gay but always pretend that the people are just really good friends.
I am really torn over this subject but I can't do anything that could cause them harm. Part of me also wonders how they would see a gay son, they have made anti gay remarks and it does hurt. It could put up a bigger barrier in that they would feel they don't know me anymore or never really knew me. If I never tell, I will come away with one incident last year that does give me some peace of mind. I was with my Dad and a man that I knew since we were boys drove by. My Dad said "that is Lou" I said the last time I saw him we were teens and asked what was he up to now, Dad replied "he has a good job with the government and he bought a house in the next town with Rod, they are partners, they live together". Shocked I asked "you mean they are gay" and he said "yes but you know they both are hard workers and never bother anyone so who is to judge them". It may not be fair that I never gave them the chance to really know me, and the opportunity to show me how they would have coped with it, but I can't change the past. For now I will have to take my Dad's words as a stand in for what I hoped he would say if I had of told him, "who is to judge".
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9 comments:
Wow. I remember having the same feelings about coming out to my parents at 35 years old. Yes, there were tears and questions. (I was actually married at the time) References to the bible were also thrown around. That was 7 years ago next month and even though my parents were in their 60's then and 70's now, I can take my partner with me comfortably to all family gatherings and he is welcome just as I am. Go for it, Steven. If you think about it, you really have nothing to lose. If you think you're close to your parents now, telling them will, if not at first, eventually bring you closer to them. It was the hardest thing I had to ever do, but I also knew it would lift that weight off my shoulders that I had carried my entire life. Good Luck.
Coming out is something that you have to do on your terms, and in a way that you feel comfortable. I'm not one to give advice since I myself am not out of the closet. But other bloggers have advised me to do what feels comfortable to me, that coming out should be on my terms.
I concur with what John said. "Coming out" is always a journey and is never a "one-stop" shop event. You come out when you feel the time is right. I came out to my parents 12 years ago at the age of 27 (when I too thought I was too old), yet there are a lot of people who still don't know.
Mom was the one who forced me to come out. Like you, I am very close to my parents. Literally too close. I live 2 blocks from them. I see them getting up in their years and I fear the day when either of them will pass. My other brothers moved away from home early on and as a result, their emotional/sentimental attachment isn't as strong to my parents as it is with me. When I came out to Mom, the first thing she said was, "So what! So's your brother." What I thought was going to be a shock to my mother ends up rebounding in my face.
I don't know where you are (yet) on your journey, and I am NOT saying you should do this, but I have met some people who regretted not "coming out" to their parents before their parents died. As if they never got to reconcile with them. But I wish you courage and wisdom when and if you make that choice.
I have to say, I don't really envy your situation. I also can relate to it, as my parents have yet to know. In my case I know with time they will be fine with it.
Both you and your sister know your parents. You would know if something like this would really hurt them, or if they might be happy for you realizing who you are. I don't know the answer.
Hey there. I know (like so many others here) exactly what you're going through. I'm 38 and I only told my parents (mum in late 60's, dad early 70's) in February of this year. I thought I was going to throw up. Mum was a little stunned but remained in control, whilst dad wobbled a bit and most definitely wasn't happy.
I'd heard my dad make comments about gay people in the past and it basically brought all thoughts of telling them to a halt for years. However we're close and I hated feeling like I was lying to them.
They're both great now. It's my partner's birthday on Friday and there is already a card (and present!) waiting for him from them.
Everyone's experience is different, so there's no formula for dealing with it. My parents kinda feel that now they're older, they're less shockable these days and all they want is for their kids to be happy and settled.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you as I do understand how bad this can make you feel.
I'll stop by often to see how you get on.
Steve
I can definitely relate to your situation seeing as though I have relatively older parents for my age (60's).
It also doesn't help the situation that I am an only child on top of all that...so I definitely am extremely nervous and confused as to what is the best way to come out to them.
Like another poster said though, we really just have to do it on our own terms and do it in a way that we feel is most comfortable. After that, we just have to pray for the best. I try to stay optimistic, albeit cautiously so.
I wish I had a story to share here. I never told my parents (my Mom died when I was 15, my Dad two years ago), and I understand not wanting to make them unhappy. I figured that if I told my Dad, it would only be for my benefit and would push him away from me - and he was very sick for quite a while.
I do want to tell my two brothers - and I'm sure they know - but I'm sick thinking about possibly alienating the only family I have left. Probably a big part of the reason I moved 2,000 miles away from everyone.
I miss my family.
I want to say thank you to all the thoughtful responses to this post, I really appreciate it guys. I am also impressed with everyone's honesty here. A lot to think about. I have been working it over in my mind how to tell them in a way that will cause the least shock.
I never told my parents either. But they know. I always had a male roomate. Would sometimes bring him to family get togethers. Was always introduced as a friend. Over time, I'm sure they got the picture. I've had the same "roomate" now for 30 years.
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