David, My First Fantasy.

Over the last few weeks as I came out to some people, one of the questions they often ask is when I realized that I was gay. I tell them there are multiple answers to that question, as I don't think many of us woke up one day and said to ourselves "hey I'm gay, didn't see that coming"! One of the earliest memories I have is when I was around ten years old, I was in a mall and while my parents were shopping I came upon a replica of Michelangelo's statue of David. I remember being totally fascinated by it, the handsome male body, smooth muscles, genitals and it seemed so life like that it drew me in. I remember being so hypnotized by it that my sister had to take me by the arm and peel me away from it. Later that week while at school we were in the library, one boy found an art book with nudes and when the teacher was not looking, the rest of us boys circled round to get a look. I remember feeling annoyed that almost all the pictures were of women and the other guys kept staring at the pages forever. As they turned the page there he was again, David and I felt a slight tingle in my stomach. There were a few other nudes of men and I absolutely stared at them. The bell rang and out we went to play, while outside we were talking about the pictures and I was frustrated at why my friends would not talk about the pictures of men. I thought I would start the conversation and said "I liked the men pictures better" after that statement you could have heard a pin drop! One friend said he liked the pictures of women better, I did not understand I thought they were boring. I said to him "don't you find there is more to look at with the men's pictures" some of the guys started laughing, one said "you are not suppose to look at the pictures of men" in that instant I knew that what I had been feeling all along was real, that somehow in someway I was different from my friends and I had better keep it quiet from that day forward. When people say that little kids are not gay and that they turn gay later, I have always known that was not true, kids are smart, they see everything in black and white, know how to manipulate adults and learn what they need to do, to survive. I happen to see the picture of David on the net the other day, and this childhood memory always comes back to me when ever I come across it.
I think most of us probably go through steps of starting to realize that we might be gay and then trying to reassure ourselves that we are not. I think the next light bulb moment came to me around fourteen years old. I remember lying in bed, fantasizing about my friends like I always did every night, but for the last couple of nights, I had wanted to stop. I had been trying to think of girls instead but after a few minutes guys would make their way back in. I felt it was not right, it scared me, I thought I had better try to change it now before it was too late. Every time I tried to only think of girls I failed, I was really wondering what was wrong with me. I remember that little voice in the back of my mind clearly saying "Steve, you're gay". I sat bolt upright, I was so frightened, I wanted to call out to Mom and Dad but then I thought what could I say. I felt sick, I could not sleep, I had finally admitted to myself what I had known for a long time. The next day at school I remember feeling like I was in one of those sci-fi movies where the alien was disguised as a human and was always worried that people would find out his true identity. From that day on I felt every gay joke and slur, I knew they were making fun of who I was even though they did not. I often wonder, after years of that bigoted second hand mental abuse, if that is why so many gay people suffer from addiction problems and self abusive types of behaviours.
I have heard of some people who did not understand until they were twenty that they were gay. Basically I say I admitted it to myself at fourteen but had known something was different about me for years before that. Telling people that, seems to help them understand, it reassures them that I was not straight and one day switched over. Maybe they need to hear that, maybe deep down they are afraid that one day they will wake up gay, but really I think it is because the people who support us believe we were born that way and that answer helps to affirm their belief.