Tuesday, May 28, 2019
I didn't do well staying off the net after I came home from work yesterday. I keep finding myself back on here. I'm not sure why or maybe I am. I need to make some serious decisions and I think I'm like an alcoholic, instead of hiding in a bottle, I hide myself online, I keep saying to myself that I will think about XYZ later, only later never comes. As long as I waste time online, I don't have to make any decisions, that way no decisions, no stress.
Also I think I'm looking for a connection, some unknown sort of connection but I'm not sure what kind. Sometimes I feel like I want someone I know to reach out to me, it feels like I'm on here waiting for a message, "hey Steve it's me, it's going to be ok now Steve, I'm here for you, we are going to be together, you're no longer alone".
Sometimes when I shut the phone off, the world feels empty, like I'm the last person on earth and even though there has been no sound most of the time, I only notice the silence once the screen goes dark. When I think about the time online that I have wasted in the last twenty-four hours, I feel shocked, embarrassed, stupid and almost like I have woken up from a coma since yesterday.