Now where do I go?

 Often we hear the phrase, "life is a journey, not a destination". I always liked that statement because I feel we are always on a journey, it's the only way our little minds can cope with constant change and if I have learned anything... it's that life = change. Alternatively if you believe that life is a destination, there is only one destination that we all reach sooner or later and that is a depressing thought regarding life.

 On our journey through life, we have many side journeys. I had become obsessed with my sexuality and placed a lot of focus on that journey. I think we often have to forgive ourselves when we get to a place where we are finally comfortable with where we are. We can't beat ourselves up (which I do) for not arriving sooner, it's healthier to think, "how did I get here, what correct steps did I take". Looking back we will see that it usually wasn't an "ah ha" moment, it was probably many little moments that add up over time.

 One of my side journeys, like many of you, is spirituality, I was raised in a Catholic home, we went to church every Sunday and holy days, I attended Catholic school, almost every neighbour around me was also Catholic. I can't tell you the suffering I had, the hatred, bigotry, homophobic bullying... no actually I'm kidding, I know many expect me to say that but it's not true. We were also lucky to have many kind priests and nuns like the Julie Andrews character, not those ruler beating kind. My parents, (especially my Dad) were very religious but it was more about a personal relationship with God than being a self righteous butt wipe.

 I always found religion interesting, I wanted to learn about it but not just my religion, I loved hearing about other religions. Sometimes I felt inside that it was cute in an innocent child like way, how people in other religions just accepted their stories. It would make me smile when people started telling me that a crow or a turtle would do something like open a clam or an egg and two people jumped out and started humanity. There comes a time however; when all your own stories that don't add up... start to add up. Talking turtles, talking crows or talking snakes with apples stop making sense to practical people.

 Suddenly the path I was on ended but instead of a fork in the road, I found myself standing in an open field. What direction am I supposed to take from here? I often read about people saying that they choose to follow "this particular religion" or they choose to be an atheist. I didn't "choose" anything, if it makes any sense, as I go through life, I feel like something is choosing me. I'm a realist, I prefer to rely on evidence based results, I "believe" in facts. I do however; have an open mind because I like to learn. If an angel suddenly appeared in downtown Ottawa, during the day, when everyone is sober, to all people religious and non religious, with cameras around that didn't conveniently stop working and said, "hey guys we are the real deal", my belief system would not collapse.

 I know that science is studying things like dark matter and dark energy, some say that what we perceive around us may only be about ten to twenty percent of reality so there is a great unknown. One day maybe there will be a discovery that will shock us. Until then I find myself standing in this field feeling a little lost but also at the same time... a little free.