It is, what it is, that's my new mantra, I use it repeatedly. I didn't realize how much until lately some of my friends started quoting it back to me. It's my way of saying that life is in control and all I can do is hang on for the ride. I went out with friends for a local fund raising supper and some people there told me that I had just missed mom, her nursing home is really good to the clients they get them out into the community and they had them there for the early sitting. People know it's hard having a parent with Alzheimer's but I tell them I take whatever little gifts I get, it's all I can do. The other night I had to drop off something at the home and when I walked in, mom was snuggled up in her comfy chair with the other ladies enjoying their last tea before bed. That's a gift, I don't have to worry about her safety and she always has company, she is not alone anymore. They can laugh and repeat all the same stories to each other without getting upset because every story is new each time it's retold. A little funny to us maybe but it's conversation for them.
I am trying to accept that many things are beyond my control and to just let it go. There is no benefit to worrying about situations I can't change, I have to accept that some things are just not going to get better, they are going to get worse. People will look at me as if expecting me to say something that can magically make everything go back to the way things were, that is never going to happen, all I can do is shrug and say "it is, what it is". Work on things we can change and just accept things we can't. It's not because I have become some enlightened person, it's for my own survival.
* I was a little tired when I wrote this and my intention was not to focus on mom's dementia and dealing with it. It was about dealing with life in general, the constant garbage that life deals out that is completely out of our hands. The dementia issue is part of it but also getting older is another thing I have no control over, losing family members and neighbours, my work structure changing etc, etc. I was starting to feel broken until I adopted the attitude of just saying whatever, forget it, there is nothing I can do about "XYZ", that's when I started to say "it is, what it is", this phrase also lets my friends know I no longer want to talk about the subject.
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14 comments:
Sadly, developing Alzheimer's is an excellent way to magically make everything go back to the way things were.
I hope that eventually dementia will be one of the things we can change, so that people in the future can be spared this particular ordeal.
It would be great if one day....they will have a cure won't it?
Mr Lurker, yes a cure because it starts to look pretty bleak for children of people with dementia as well.
Maddie, I know I shouldn't think this way but can you imagine if they discovered a way to cure it and people with it could recover. I would have my mom back. Anyway, I was a little tired when I wrote this and I didn't mean to just focus on the dementia. Life throws crap at us in general and I am coming to the point where I just don't care anymore, I just use my little saying as another way to say screw it.
It's good to recognize the things you can't change. I learned a long time ago that I can't change other people. I can only change the way I react to them. I wish there was a cure.
RJ, yes I learned that long ago as well, that's how I know certain relationships will never work.
The AA Serenity Prayer comes to mind, the trick is being able to tell the difference between what you can change and what you cannot. I think you have the ability already, Steven.
When I lived in the Middle East Muslims had a way of looking at life that brought them peace. They would say Al Maktoob meaning it is written. You have no control it is pre-ordained, I thought how Calvinist of them. Then at another time King Hussein of Jordan towards the end of his life, he knew he was dying and had only a month to live, gave a speech and told people that he was not afraid of death because it was God's Will and he accepted it. When you look at your life and all the good things in it compared to so many who have no hope nor future but go on anyway, I think it puts things back in perspective, it does for me.
Yes it is what it is but... In the case of your mother, she suffers from the same thing my mom suffered for 14 yrs, it was
very hard for us all and draining for my Dad. It is good that your Mom is so well looked after, if she is contented that is what matters, she is not suffering, that is all we can ask for.
As for you, the government job etc. if you can get out and retire I say go for it.
Mike, I used to worry about everything, it wears a person out after a while, so I have to be cold to things I can't change.
Laurent, mom has had this 15 years now, she is entering the humiliation stages but her illness is slow in progression so this will go on for years to come.
As for the job, I'm in the private sector, what's a pension?
In the 1970s I worked with a young woman whose watchcry was 'I can't help it.' She said her grandmother taught her the expression. I'd be bouncing off the walls goin on about the stupidity of management, etc. and she'd be all 'I can't help it.'
Mike, back in the 1970s I liked to watch Sesame Street before I went to kindergarten in the afternoon. My anxiety then was that my teacher didn't understand my need to colour outside of the lines as a way of expressing myself. I also feel her hostility towards me was a result of me informing her that women with such large thighs, shouldn't be wearing miniskirts.
Miniskirts, oh my. So you didn't have a crush on your kindgarten teacher?
Mike, at a very young age I felt girls were yucky, I just never outgrew that phase like the other boys did.
I should also mention that my favourite subject was cookies and juice.
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