Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Freedom vs loss.
It's interesting as we age, we often think back and can't understand why we made certain mistakes. The problem is we are looking at something in today's bubble, we arrived here while learning and experiencing life along the way. It's not really fair to judge our younger self who hasn't had those experiences yet.
I was thinking back to a time when I first started wondering about coming out. I used to think that I would be secretly gay, out only to my closest friends and that one day when my parents were no longer around, I would be totally out. I imagined a total freedom of living a full gay life, happily ever after. What I didn't contemplate was the sense of loss and the feeling that a part of me was gone. The young man in the bubble at that time, couldn't grasp the feeling of not having them around. Even more importantly, he also couldn't grasp that having his parents around, wasn't really the issue of whether he would be fully out or not.
My parents are gone now basically and I didn't gain freedom, I experienced loss instead. Even with them gone, I really suck at being gay. Sometimes I wonder if it would be a lot easier to have remained naive, thinking that staying in the closet was a success. Being that clueless was easier in some ways. I imagine myself on my deathbed thinking, "I did it! No one figured it out, I will die as a straight man". I think however what would actually happen is that I would realize... I totally threw my life away and there are no second chances.
I stop myself from going down that road, I remind myself of the good times. I think of dating Billy and dating Dan and those were some of my best life moments. Even being with my fwb, I learned from him. I don't regret one second spent with any of them, if I had a chance to do it over, I would. The only difference would be for me to do my part better. The three years with Dan, were my richest life experiences ever, to be able to find my way back there is my ultimate goal. It's just that I seem to have forgotten how to get there.
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19 comments:
A story I've told no one, other than my sister many years ago.
Years back, I was already out, and using AOL--I said YEARS BACK--and when you signed onto AOL a Buddy list appeared of people you know on AOL. I saw my uncle's anme, and when I clicked it, I was told he was in a Men for Men chatroom.
My uncle; married with two children. And every time after that I saw his name online, he's be in a different Men for Men room.
He passed away a few years ago, having, at least to my knowledge, never coming out.
I feel sad for him whenever I think of that.
We all owe it to ourselves to be honest, at least to ourselves, and live honestly. I'd hate to be on my death bed and realize i was a liar the whole time.
I don't think you threw away your life. You may have had a life different from what you wanted to have. It's time to take control of the rest of your life. Make it the life you want to have. You can't change to past but you can learn from it.
We do the things we do when we do them because at the time the choices seemed right. I get where you are coming from. I look back at my life and think: "I should have accepted who I was, I should have embraced who I was, I should have been "me"". But I didn't. And I can't change that. And when I really really think about waiting so long I realize that I wouldn't have had my children, and I cannot imagine a life without them. So I try to get advice from my dog, Murphy. Live in the moment and don't look back.
Steve-o, baby. Hindsight is 20/20.
And there’s not a Gay 101 we can take at the nearest college that trains us on how to be a good gay. Everybody’s experience is different. When you get in a relationship next, you’re going to bring all that experience with you and that’ll make it richer.
I can totally empathize with the idea of not having parents around anymore. Mine passed away, too, but I had been living on my own for awhile so my experience may have been different. I love the memories I have of gem, but that’s about it.
XoXo
I read the title of this and knew it was going to be serious. I prepared myself to give it its just due, until fwb! What the frack is fwb? I'm old and don't speak in initials! I still use aol, dagnabit! FWB? Forking With Batteries? Forking being a euphemism of course. Feeding Whale Babies? Flying With Bees (or Butterflies)? I had to google it. Boy is my face red! Anyway, I've got nothing, not being gay closeted or decloseted. Whatever we've done in the past has brought us to the present. Kumbaya, and all that.
I'll put "He Was A Queer" on your grave marker.
Future Steven called and left a message. He said that he was very proud of you for finding every excuse you could to avoid Ottawa Pride and other LGBTQ+ activities happening in your area. He is very glad that he never got to meet other LGBTQ+ people in less sexualized settings than Grindr. Now that he is older and grayer he is especially happy that you avoided going out to dance clubs because you were too self-conscious of dancing in the presence of young gays. Being single was an excellent reason to stay home; everyone knows you can only go dancing if you have a boyfriend.
Doing your best to stay closeted at work also turned out very well; all that energy you poured into hiding your true self around coworkers who would have supported you anyways was well worth the trouble. It totally worked, too -- nobody suspected a thing!
If Future Steven had one regret, it was that he did not spend more time fiddling around on the Internet when he was your age, particularly during the two months of nice weather each year.
BOb, that was a good story, I bet that is happening over and over especially with the older gay and bisexual men. No I don't want to be that guy.
Richard, you know something, some days I feel down about trying to met someone and then I read about you or Michael meeting guys and going on dates and I admire you guys and draw inspiration from both your blogs.
Michael, I think you received the best gift ever by having them and I think you did everything right, now you're just making a more correct choice. I could try to live like my cat, she is fixed however... so come to think of it, maybe I am already following her lead... not so sure about eating mice.
Sixpence, that sure would have been easier if there had been a gay course I could have taken. Although I probably would have earned an "F".
Jimmy... and I will put, "he was a loyal republican" on yours! Lol
Well... since you put it that way... Ok ok I'm going outside, gee whiz... no wait it's nighttime, I mean, ok, ok I will go to the frigging pride thing. I wonder if there will be any other gay people there?
Make sure you go! No excuses this year. I have half a mind to go to Ottawa and make sure you are in attendance, then to go to your farm and kick your butt if you aren't.
Also you are going to pick a weekend in the near future and go out dancing whether you want to or not.
OL, what if I put my hip out dancing?
Steven, put both hips out dancing. It's called twerking!
Deedles, I thought twerking was bending over and shaking the booty! Anyway there would be a cloud of dust coming off this booty now!
Steven, the booty's connected to the hips, biology 101, if I remember correctly.
Deedles, don't confuse me with facts. :p
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