As I make my way through the land of gays, I have come across a very common problem. I have started talking to a few guys in my city. They all say the same thing, how they have no, (or not many) gay friends. How hard it is to meet other gay people and how lonely it is. I suddenly came up with this terrific plan, what if that person and myself meet, maybe even better, what if I met a few of them and helped them to meet each other. Apparently however that is not the answer, silly naive me, I need to learn more.
The trouble is I have no interest in maintaining an email friendship with someone in this city. I already have some of you guys as email friends, one friendship is going on to twelve years. I want real world friends as well, I want to grab a meal, catch a movie or go enjoy a concert with real friends. If I fall in love or get to shag one of them, that's an added bonus! What a great word "shag" cracks me up saying it. I don't want to put the effort into another friendship that keeps me looking at a computer screen.
The solution seemed clear to me but not so clear to the others. If I ask to meet, they say yes and are excited to meet me but there is always an excuse, long day at work, have to do laundry, feeling tired, have to do some errands etc etc etc. I am just asking for a coffee date, I'm not asking them to show up to our wedding ceremony! Am I missing something here? Do you see the problem, guys feeling lonely and wanting to meet more people but staying home
and not going out. I think they are lonely because they have become lazy about meeting others or maybe people have become so soft, that they don't want to have to deal with the little bit of anxiety which comes from meeting someone new. Maybe they need those pink kitty hats.
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26 comments:
Hey darlin, glad you stopped by my blog. It's always great to see a new reader. I think the reason why some of your potential friends are putting off meeting for coffee is that they are either not ready to come out or they are afraid of something happening to them crime wise. Cheer up. Give it time. BTW, I added you to my daily blog reading list.
Keep trying... Finding the right person is like winning the lottery. I think Leeanna is right also. There is a lot of fear out there. It is much easier for some to hide behind a computer screen. I know if you keep at it, it will happen. Good Luck!
I agree with Leeanna and TGA. Also, it seems to me that in this electronic age (or whatever it's called), that a lot of folks can't seem to relate to others in face to face situations. The computer, or phone or tablets are shields against true intimacy. Then again, there are a bunch of nuts to be wary of out there. Just my lack of experience two cents.
I gave up. I tried. I used Match, Scruff, Chappy...you named it. I showed up; they didn't. I said, "Just friends," they said "Great!" and I never heard from them again. I've been ghosted, lied to, and told I was: too fat, too old, too boring; too handsome; too many excuses to remember. I've worked on myself and keep trying, but to no avail. So I gave up. I find I'm happier reading a book than hoping someone will say yes to a movie, a cup of coffee, or brunch on Sunday.
I'll give you the same advice I give to all gay men who complain to me about this situation. Don't rely on apps and emails to make friends. Those only work for hookups. Instead, go out and get active in the LGBTQ+ community -- volunteer at one or two of our organizations (pride centre, pride festival committee, HIV support, whatever's available) or join a GLBTQ+ activity group (choir, sports team, whatever). If you have to go to a nearby city to find such organizations and groups, do it. It takes time, work and effort to network and develop friendships. They just don't happen by magic. While you're participating in a community organization or group, you'll be interacting with others on a regular basis and friendships will develop organically and naturally. Plus you'll be helping out our community at the same time. Trust me, this works. Give it your best shot and good luck!
I understand what you are saying. Though sometimes the right person comes along when you least expect it! As the first person commented, maybe they are not ready to come out.
Here's another thing that popped in my mind. Another reason I think some guys don't follow through is because they haven't gotten so use to communicating online, text, email and the sort. I was just discussing this last night over dinner. We were both in agreement the people have gotten socially awkward now, and have no idea how to talk and communicate in person.
I have a friend who used to be extremely social, but has since stopped going out. Busy. Now he has gotten reclusive and talks a storm up on line and such. But when he had a date, he panicked and had no clue as to how or what to talk about.
A sad commentary really that's it's got to this point. I've seen a packed bar, and half the people are there to be social, yet on their phones, not talking to anyone. Then they complain no one talked to them.
It's another reason a like to go out and meet face to face, or gay events It keeps my social skills on par. Debs is on the right track too. I don't care what app it is....they all get a negative stigma to them, unless for sex.
I think this is not just a gay thing but a modern man thing viz. people are lonely but they don't know how/have the commitment to do something real about it.
I think many people have lost the art of social interaction. It's also easy to ignore a person you met online because you never made a face to face connection with them. You're just a person on the other end of electronic communication.
Came back to read comments. Sounds like technology is a problem for many. It's sad when people can't even interact in person. Im heading to the pool today, I always make myself talk to one new person when I go.
I think I agree with many people here too. My own son spends so much time on line and sites, that when the time comes, he admits to clamming up and choking, and doesn't go. He says he is so nervous he doesn't know what to do or say I shutter to think of the new generation and how they will mingle in person?
It's not just our devices and dating apps that sabotage our real lives. It's the media and advertising. Why aren't I as happy as those people in the dog food commercials? Maybe there's something wrong with me. I haven't owned a tv since 1990. When I see tv running (this weekend at my sister's house there was cnn all day) I feel like I'm on a different planet.
Maddie: I like talking with dog-walkers on my daily runs. But my favorite place to practice being a human is the fruit and vegetable section of the grocery store. Everyone has an opinion on ripeness, etc. Today the vegetable clerk was particularly chatty, kinda cute, too!
Leeanna, I love your sense of humor, it comes through on your blog. Ottawa is a pretty accepting city on gay issues but some people are still low key. I think it's some new kind of reality phobia vs the online world.
TGA, yes don't worry I'm not giving up. I just need to figure out a way to get Mr right to come out from behind the computer screen!
Deedles, that's ok because two cents American is something like four hundred Canadian lol. I agree, shields against true intimacy.
Walter, gee man were you trying to cheer me up!?! O.O
Just kidding, I remember you posting about this as well. I have a joke about one nice gay guy in each city and they all blog.
Debra, I think this is really good advice and deep down I think I have always known this to be true. I feel the guys on line are the ones who can't connect, that's why they are there. Anything good comes from effort.
Michael, these guys are already out, they just don't seem to have the ambition to make gay friendships even though they complain that they want gay friendships.
Maddie, you are proof that getting out and meeting people works. I think you are graced with the gift of being outgoing.
Dr Spo, you are correct, my straight friends complain about the same thing. It's worse for us however because we have a lower number of people to pick from, so if they lower that number even further by staying home, it becomes beyond difficult to meet anyone.
RJ, that's true and I have been feeling the results of that thinking over the last two weeks.
That's an interesting idea, I can see you pulling that off... meeting a new person each time.
I have the best commenters on any blog hands down!!! ;)
Agnes, I actually know of young married couples who text each other when in different parts of the house.
Mike, did you comment on the size of his cucumbers? How his berries looked, any banana jokes.... nuts? Darn, now I'm hungry.
No, not cucumbers, bananas!
Mike, just back away from the zucchini, that's it, just back away slowly.
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