Friday, July 3, 2020

A month worth of hurt.


 Well... so it's been a month now since I got dumped, by text just to remind everyone. A text, that's really cowardly and just rude, he knows that I'm not the type to yell and scream at him, he just wanted the easy way out and I let him. A real man doesn't break up by text, at least a phone call for Pete's sake.

 I have to say that it's really hard to shake this off, I know everyone says "get over it" but easier said than done. My relationship was my main social interaction since February especially with covid around and now I basically have nothing. The only thing I have is a lot of time alone to think about being alone. I often wake up in the morning and my first thought is, " oh that's right, I'm alone again".

 It didn't help that everything turned into a shit show. If Mr X had just told me long ago that he no longer was interested in dating me... and then we parted ways, I would have been sad but eventually I would move on. When you find out the person who has become an important part of your life and who is supposed to care about you, actually no longer cared and was just leading you on until he found someone else, it totally shakes a person to their core.

 I should point out since I came out late in life, this was only my third real relationship. A straight friend said, "when the anger starts, the healing starts". I hope that's true, I have a lot of anger towards Mr X now. At first he could still do no wrong in my eyes, I was enraged with this other guy. I was sure that Mr X was innocent and didn't see this coming and eventually was won over. However the curtain begins to lift and you start to see all the flaws that you have been ignoring on purpose. Bob at "I Should be Laughing" once commented that a man can't be led away if he doesn't want to go. I was angry with Bob for saying that but I knew he was right. Even worse though Bob, is when you discover that your guy was the one who made the first move.

 Like father like son, maybe it's a family thing, Mr X told me that his father left his mother when she was pregnant with him. That same year he had two other sons, one about two months before Mr X was born and one about four months after Mr X was born, so...

 I think about the night I met him at bowling, it was totally by chance. He wasn't going to go that evening but his cousin asked him to go. However the cousin couldn't make it, was tied up at work and unable to tell Mr X to cancel. If he hadn't gone that week, the next bowling night he would not have been there because he went to California, after that night everything was shut down due to covid, so I would have never met him. We often joked about how lucky it was to cross paths.

When we broke up, I was unaware of everything that I know now. I wanted to be mature about the break up and so I said to him that I had no regrets about meeting him, that I only regretted our relationship didn't work out. I take that back, I completely regret meeting him, I wish he never made it that night. This is not like when I broke up with Dan, I never regretted that relationship, I still cherish it to this day.  However regarding Mr X, I wish I never met him. I wish that I just went bowling and met some nice guys that night and again two weeks later, then covid happened and I hid out on the farm and life was just the usual day to day for me. It also hurts that today is a month since our breakup but I know that for him.. today is just a Friday.

30 comments:

RJ said...

You learn for the experience and you move on. There's a good guy out there for you.

John Going Gently said...

When I split from my husband I went through a phase of overthinking everything
It was exhausting
I wantied answers to questions
Questions I'd never get answers to
It was exhausting

Deedles said...

Stevie, sweetheart, lovey, please don't be mad at me for saying this. It is said out of love and caring. I'm not channeling Lurkster (he's a lot more eloquent). I know that it is hard to just get over it, but if you keep picking at the same scab over and over again, it will never get better, let alone heal. I've never been "dumped". I hate that word used this way. I have, however, had to learn how to cope with child molesters and a statutory rapist, not to mention a mother who sent me to the same uncle who molested her to babysit me while she partied in Tijuana. I didn't think about this crap until I was in my thirties. I took a good look at the pieces, mulled over them, realized why I am the way I am (don't ask), not perfect but who cares? I forgot where I was going with this. Oh, yeah, stop picking at that scab and mop a floor!
We all survive, sometimes by the skin of our teeth, but we are all worth it. I'll get off of this sanctimonious sounding soapbox now. You can be mad at me if it helps. Love you. Hugs?

Anitia Moorecock said...

with the border still open? i will come up there and slap you.maddie taught me some things. if he knew how much energy you put into replaying this, he'd probably be tickled.

as cher says snap out of it.

Bob said...

Sorry, Steven, but I'm kinda with the Stunning Deedles on this one. If you keep reliving it, and reexamining it, it will never go away.

And I stand with Ms Moorecock, too!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard, what's his name?

Old Lurker said...

Lurkstr sez: No 1 sez "get over it". U R "geting over it" now. It ok 2 hurt. Hurt iz wurking thru it. U hurt bcuz Mr Ex wuz gud 4 U and U 2 didnt wurk out. But U need 2 stay safe 2. Dont B 2 down.

No: txt not gud way 2 brake up. No: Mr Ex with other bf not feel gud. But Mr Ex didnt string U along. He cud hav strung U along mor bcuz of plandemic. He didnt do best but he didnt do wurst.

Mr Ex wuz not 4 U. But U did lotz of gud by having a bf. Im sry it didnt wrk out but U made alot of progres. You hav 2 bleev me cuz Im elokwent.

U call Dr yet? Do it soon plz.



Sooo-this-is-me said...

John.. exactly! You hit it dead on! It's so confusing, there is stuff I never said on my blog. So much doesn't make sense and it's frustrating.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, why is it every time you say you don't want to hurt my feelings... you're about to hurt my feelings! Hahaha!
In my defense, putting down in my blog, helps get it out. I'm exhausted, I want to move on but my inside voice won't let me. It is getting better, just so you know.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anitia, you're young, attractive and have a good career, you would have people lining up for you. Walk in my shoes and see why I am upset.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bob, now I'm angry with you again, also again you are right but I don't want to hear right.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurker, I am completely aware that when I need a shoulder, you always come through for me.
No I didn't call but I'm going to have to, the sleeping pill isn't working anymore. I'm afraid what will happen to me.

Deedles said...

Sooo you're right. It is your blog and you can write whatever you want. I need to learn that I don't have to state my opinion on everything. I don't have to read all posts, either. Win-win. Sorry that I hurt you, sweetie.

John Going Gently said...

What I was trying to say is that overthinking was a bad thing for me and I suspect for you
It's hard but divert yourself from the questions you will never answer

Old Lurker said...

Deedles: we love you and your opinions and your comments. You are one of the least sanctimonious commenters I know. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad with my comment. I was just being cutesy. I know you have been struggling with fever and depression lately and I did not intend to make things worse.

Sigh. Every time I type I step in it.

Deedles said...

Lurkster, there is no way whatsoever that you made me feel bad at all! Heaven's no, Stevie did that *snicker*! My eyes aren't doing too well today so it took me a minute to figure out what you were saying. Eloquent as ever, even in what I'm assuming is Textonese. Also, very clever. Lurkster, I love you and even if you did "step in it", which you didn't, all will always be forgiven. Hon, don't waste another minute with that kind of thought. I'm doing well, by the way. No worries. Big hugs, big guy!

Dave R said...

It's time to let it go and move on.

Michael said...

John gives good advice Steven, and he speaks from experience. I know it is hard, and this Covid thing sure doesn't help matters.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Emotions DO have to be processed, not just buried or ignored, or they will come back later to bite you in the ass again even worse. The best way to process them is with the assistance of a trained counsellor. I hope you make that phone call soon and get set up with an appointment.

HuntleyBiGuy said...

Steven, yes this is your blog. We are guests in your stream of consciousness postings, getting a glimpse into that marvelous mind of yours. You don’t ask for advice, but you do get it. I’m NOT bashing anyone, I’ve done it too.

This is something you need to work through. There is no timeline. But there are things you can do, and know you need to do, to help yourself. (Warning: more advice ahead!) The sleeping pills seem to have run their course. Now it’s time to bring in the professionals so us armchair Dear Abbys can step aside.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

No worries Deedles, it's all good.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Yes John that's what I took away from what you were saying, thank you. It must have been so painful for you, that would have crushed me.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, thank you for pointing that out, I hadn't thought of that... no I'm just teasing you. I know you're right, I thought I was doing that but I had a flashback.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael, yes this covid garbage certainly doesn't help.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, yes they definitely lie in wait to pounce when least expected.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

HuntleyBiGuy, this made a lot of sense to me. Yes I feel that I'm losing the battle this time, I need help. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I'm embarrassed by it.

Ur-spo said...

people move forward at different rates and times. good luck .

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dr Spo, I seem to be moving forward in "R" on the gear shift lol.

HuntleyBiGuy said...

Feeling embarrassed is natural. We feel we should always be in control. But there is no shame in seeking help. On the contrary, it shows great strength.

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