Friday, July 3, 2020
A month worth of hurt.
Well... so it's been a month now since I got dumped, by text just to remind everyone. A text, that's really cowardly and just rude, he knows that I'm not the type to yell and scream at him, he just wanted the easy way out and I let him. A real man doesn't break up by text, at least a phone call for Pete's sake.
I have to say that it's really hard to shake this off, I know everyone says "get over it" but easier said than done. My relationship was my main social interaction since February especially with covid around and now I basically have nothing. The only thing I have is a lot of time alone to think about being alone. I often wake up in the morning and my first thought is, " oh that's right, I'm alone again".
It didn't help that everything turned into a shit show. If Mr X had just told me long ago that he no longer was interested in dating me... and then we parted ways, I would have been sad but eventually I would move on. When you find out the person who has become an important part of your life and who is supposed to care about you, actually no longer cared and was just leading you on until he found someone else, it totally shakes a person to their core.
I should point out since I came out late in life, this was only my third real relationship. A straight friend said, "when the anger starts, the healing starts". I hope that's true, I have a lot of anger towards Mr X now. At first he could still do no wrong in my eyes, I was enraged with this other guy. I was sure that Mr X was innocent and didn't see this coming and eventually was won over. However the curtain begins to lift and you start to see all the flaws that you have been ignoring on purpose. Bob at "I Should be Laughing" once commented that a man can't be led away if he doesn't want to go. I was angry with Bob for saying that but I knew he was right. Even worse though Bob, is when you discover that your guy was the one who made the first move.
Like father like son, maybe it's a family thing, Mr X told me that his father left his mother when she was pregnant with him. That same year he had two other sons, one about two months before Mr X was born and one about four months after Mr X was born, so...
I think about the night I met him at bowling, it was totally by chance. He wasn't going to go that evening but his cousin asked him to go. However the cousin couldn't make it, was tied up at work and unable to tell Mr X to cancel. If he hadn't gone that week, the next bowling night he would not have been there because he went to California, after that night everything was shut down due to covid, so I would have never met him. We often joked about how lucky it was to cross paths.
When we broke up, I was unaware of everything that I know now. I wanted to be mature about the break up and so I said to him that I had no regrets about meeting him, that I only regretted our relationship didn't work out. I take that back, I completely regret meeting him, I wish he never made it that night. This is not like when I broke up with Dan, I never regretted that relationship, I still cherish it to this day. However regarding Mr X, I wish I never met him. I wish that I just went bowling and met some nice guys that night and again two weeks later, then covid happened and I hid out on the farm and life was just the usual day to day for me. It also hurts that today is a month since our breakup but I know that for him.. today is just a Friday.