In Search of???

 First I want to say thank you for the supportive comments and emails, I appreciate them. I also wanted to say that I'm doing okay, no need to "worry" about me. I'm actually surprised at how fast I'm getting over being dumped... by text.. and I wanted to let you know. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him and I'm still sad at the idea of being single again but I realized a few things and it changed my thinking.

 I had questions, I wanted some answers as to what happened and so I decided to snoop a little. I am aware that Mr X has a few social media sites, I had seen one when we first met because I googled his name. After that I gave him his privacy. For a few days after the breakup, I tracked down his sites. I was looking for something but not sure what. One of my straight friends said, "okay look but don't torture yourself".

 I didn't expect to find another man, that's not really him. I was wondering however if we had been sabotaged by a certain guy. Something upsetting happened during lockdown that I never mentioned. Mr X has a gay best friend, they have been friends for years, the man is a catch but they never dated. About two weeks into lockdown, the friend asks Mr X to go for a walk with him, while walking the friend confesses that he is in love with Mr X, that he is finally admitting it to himself, that he has felt that way for months. He cries, he makes Mr X cry, he wants "me" dumped so that he can date Mr X... that little b...h, c..t, f....r!

 That night Mr X tells me what happened and reassured me that he has no romantic feelings for this man. After I get off the phone, I'm on edge because I am trapped far from my boyfriend, while this guy lives a few blocks down. I guess that was part of the searching, I needed to see if there were any posts saying, "look we are finally together" but that didn't happen. I also wonder however if little negative comments were not often said to Mr X by this guy while I wasn't around. Like I'm too far, or we have different interests etc. That also happened when I was dating Dan, he had a friend that liked him and that guy would always get Dan upset with me when I wasn't around.

 I did notice something however that is helping me move on. It's not what I found but what I didn't find. He is a somewhat private man but he does post about things happening in his life. On all his sites there is no mention of dating, no mention of a boyfriend or eventually a break up, absolutely nothing. When we were dating, his friends made comments to him about still being single and he never corrected them. Within a couple of hours of breaking up with me, he was playfully flirting online with male friends. That's when the fog of sadness began to lift, I realized he saw things completely different. He probably was giving our relationship a try but wasn't that into me, he was just going through the motions.

 I realized that this is not like my breakup with Dan where we still loved each other but Dan was too stubborn to work things out. No, this was completely different, there would be no phone call asking me to forgive him, no wanting to get back together. He wasn't even thinking of me by that evening, he had already moved on days ago but just forgot to tell me.

 There is no relationship to mourn over, maybe there never was. I see everything very differently now, it's like last year when my friend Phil wanted to date me but I felt nothing towards him. I can't make someone like me, the sadness feels very pointless now because I can understand where he is coming from. I have a few more thoughts to get out but I will be okay. Tomorrow it will have been a week already, time flies.